By Way of the Rose

by Cynthia M. Ward

  Jennie and Bettie still stood in the open doorway with their eyes stretched wide.

  “Let's get in the house.” Marion ushered everyone in.

  Sarah, held steady by John, walked inside. Shane followed them closely.

  John sat Sarah down at the table. “Jennie, would you bring Sarah some water?” He asked.

  “Yes, sir.!”

  “What happened to you, Sarah?” John asked. “What's wrong?”

  “I— I thought you were dead. I thought you were dead. I needed something, someone of my own, I thought you were dead!”

  “Don't worry, I understand. Don't worry about anything anymore! I'm here.”

  Sarah sipped on the water. She looked into John's face and then Shane's; they were both staring back at her. Their eyes seemed to plead with her to choose one of them over the other. Her heart ached. She could not bear hurting either of them because she loved them both desperately.

  She closed her eyes to shut out their glares. What am I going to do now? Oh, Dear Jesus, what am I to do?

  Chapter Twenty

  * * * *

  That evening, right on time, Nathan came proudly lumbering into the house with his brood of children. But his face quickly went pale when he saw John sitting there in the parlor. Sarah smiled at him vindictively. She loved seeing the horror in his evil eyes. She wanted to laugh at him and point and ridicule his fear. She did not take her eyes off Nathan, lest she miss a moment of his shock, discomfort and nervous fear.

  “W— What's this?” he stuttered.

  “John's back.” She looked into Nathan's eyes and glared at him. “I feel as if I called for him loud enough and he came back to me.” Everyone looked at her blankly, not knowing what she meant. But Nathan knew and he also knew and she could see that he also knew she was enjoying his discomfiture.

  “How? What happened? We thought you were dead for sure.”

  “It's a long story, and I've told it about fifteen times today.” John said. “I'm back now, just believe what you see.”

  They sat down for supper. Sarah glared at Nathan every now and then, gloating. Oh, how she enjoyed it! How she loved torturing him. The torturer was now being tortured! Nathan knew that all she had to do was tell John what he'd done and he would be a dead man. Sarah could almost see his thoughts. But, Sarah would never tell. She didn't want to hurt John that way nor see him hung for killing this vermin. Yet she would hold it over Nathan's head and taunt him with the possibility every chance she got. Oh, yes she would!

  After supper, Shane played his harmonica while Jennie and Bettie danced.

  When he began to play ‘Beautiful Dreamer’ John went to Sarah. “Come on and dance with me.” John held out his hand towards her.

  “What?” Sarah looked at Shane.

  “Dance with me! Come on, let's show them your big city moves!” he grinned. “Remember the ball, that night we first danced?” He looked into her eyes.

  She did remember. Did he think she would ever forget? She took his hand. They danced as they'd done that night in Mr. Tyson's grand ball room until Shane's tune began to falter.

  Shane put the instrument in his breast pocket. “I've got to get some air.” He left the room.

  Sarah knew he was upset and followed him outside. “I'll come with you.” She grabbed her wraps and went out the door.

  John sat in a chair next to the window and watched them as they talked.

  Nathan came over and sat beside him. “Nice boy that Shane... shame he's been caught by that one.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You honestly think he'd give her the time of day if he knew she was a savage?”

  “Nathan, don't start! Please. I don't need this. I've just got home. Give me some peace.”

  “Come on, John. It's all in fun.”

  John suddenly recalled that day so long ago. A soldier dangling a Cherokee baby by its foot, It's all in fun, he'd said.

  “That's not fun to me.” John looked out the window to see Sarah and Shane walking and holding hands. He'd waited too long. He'd lost the most precious being in his life. His darling Sarah was in the arms of another man!

  “It's such a beautiful night.” Sarah stared up at the stars.

  “It is,” Shane answered then he blurted out, “What's going to happen now? What's going to happen with us? Are you going to marry me?”

  Sarah felt her heart sink. She didn't know what to say. “I'm sorry, Shane. You know I can't say yes... not now.”

  “I thought you said that you loved me and that all this was behind you!”

  “I did say that and I do love you. It's just that John's back, he's not dead. How can you expect me to make a clear decision right now? It's unfair.”

  “You aren't saying no to me though, are you?”

  “No, I'm saying I have to think it over. I don't know what to do. You know how I feel about you and John.”

  “I love you, Sarah. Remember, I've never left you, and I never will.”

  “I love you too, Shane... and I know. Thank you for that.”

  “I suppose I'm going to head on home. I know you and your family have a lot to talk about.” Shane slapped his hat on his head and started towards his wagon.

  Sarah stood alone for a while. She looked into the night sky, at the stars glittering overhead. A faint sound of crickets chirping soothed her. Sarah touched the spot on her chest where the locket use to hang. Oh my God, the locket! We buried the locket! Just then she heard footsteps coming up behind her. She turned and saw John.

  “Sarah,” he spoke softly.

  “John.” She turned her face from his and looked back towards the sky. “Isn't it a beautiful night?”

  “Yes, but Sarah, I didn't come out here to talk about the weather or the beauty of the night.”

  “What do you want to talk about?” She knew what it was about, but now, she didn't want to talk about it.

  “There's something I should have told you a long time ago.”

  “I know. You're in love with me. Doug told me. And John, I loved you too. There was a time when I would have given anything to hear you tell me your feelings but not now. Now it's like a curse or a cruel joke. Shane was here for me when I needed someone most. He helped me through some hard times. I thought you were dead.”

  “Do you love him?”

  “Yes. Yes I do.” Sarah looked toward the ground.

  “You don't love me anymore?” John looked wounded to the core.

  Sarah turned to him quickly. “You know that I'll never stop loving you! Never!”

  “When I got back here and I found out that you were with that man, I wanted to be dead! I wish I had died.”

  “John, don't say stuff like that! I almost lost my mind several times over the past few months, and if it hadn't been for ‘that man’ you would have come back to a woman slobbering in the corner, not knowing day from night! He's been here. He's helped me. He's loved me. Oh, John if you only knew what I've been through, if you only knew you would be thanking Shane a million times over for what he's brought me through! That is, if you love me at all you'd thank him.”

  “I know I have no right to be angry, but I can't help it. I love you. I'm so angry right now I could hit Shane.”

  “I'm angry too! I'm angry about a lot of things. I've never been so angry and bitter in my life! For the first time in my life, I can't get this hate out of my heart. I don't want to get this hate out. I want to hate... it almost feels good to hate! My jealousy of Tad was nothing compared to the hatred I have now.” She trembled in anger her words were bitter and crude. Her simple, loving innocence smothered in this venom she spoke.

  John walked toward her. “What's wrong? What's happened to you?”

  “A lot has happened to me. And still more is about to happen to me,” she snapped.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I'm just so tired of being hurt. When I saw you tonight, I didn't know what to feel. I wanted to run to you and feel you holding me close,
but then thoughts of Shane kept me from it. You think you're bitter, John? You don't know what bitter is. I've been through hell and now I have to hurt one of you and I love you both dearly. Why couldn't you have come back sooner? Why now, John? Why couldn't it have been four weeks ago? Just four weeks! Four little weeks! Damn it, John! Damn it!”

  He grabbed her by her arms. “Do you want me to leave?!”

  “No, no I don't. I don't ever want to go through this again. I've buried and said good bye to you forever once already. I don't ever want to do that again.”

  “Well, what do you want? I can't rewrite the past.”

  “I've always wanted you. You must know that you were the one I've always wanted. The one I've always cried for. The one I've always longed for. But things change and now I don't want to hurt Shane. I love him dearly. Now my heart also calls to him!”

  “Sarah... ” John looked deep into her eyes as he edged closer to her and gently took her face in his hands. “There will never be a time that I don't want you. You are like the sun and the moon to me. You are my breath and life's blood, I can't live without you.”

  “You were my sun and moon and I had to learn to live without you. Every day was a struggle to survive. Shane saw it because he was there. I would break down and cry all of a sudden when I remembered something you and I did together or when I'd picture your face. I'd touch the locket and cry. Finally, I buried it. A sort of funeral for you. I was ready to move on and try to build a life. I wanted to smile more and cry less. I wanted to be safe and loved again. And oh, God, how I wanted out of here!”

  “I'll take you anywhere you want to go. I'll do anything you want me to do. I love you and I want you to be my wife.” He took her in his arms. How long she'd waited for this moment! It felt so wonderful to finally feel him holding her but she pushed away.

  “No, John. I can't do this. I can't say yes while I'm so confused. You both need to give me time. This is too much to take in.”

  “I'll wait. I'll give you all the time you need. I want to show you how much I love you. I want to be here for you.”

  The next morning, while Sarah was gathering eggs, she saw Shane cutting through the fields. She walked to meet him. He looked tired and haggard, as if he hadn't slept at all. Her heart yearned to ease his mind, to tell him that she would marry him, But now John pulled at her heart too. Her mind was in such turmoil she felt like running from them both.

  “Thought you weren't coming today.” She looked at Shane inquiringly.

  “I changed my mind. I wanted you to go for a walk with me this morning.”

  “Just a minute. Let me put the eggs up and take off this apron.” Sarah walked slowly toward the house.

  “I'll be back after a while,” she told Marion.

  “It's awful early to start gallivanting. Where are you going?”

  “Shane is waiting for me outside... we need to talk.”

  “Why do you need to talk so early?”

  “I don't know Momma, he just said he needed to.” Sarah knew why he'd come and that she'd have to be strong.

  “Is this about John?”

  “Why, what would John have to do with it?” Sarah tried to look nonchalant.

  “I'm not completely blind nor am I dumb. It's plain as the nose on your face. You and John have always had a special relationship, but I never knew how special until he came back this time. I hope you're not planning on breaking your engagement with Shane for this nonsense. It's shameful, that's what it is!”

  “Momma, it's really none of your business. This is between me, Shane and John.”

  “Leave my son out of this mess! I just got him back. You and Shane should go on like you had planned it. Just marry him and leave us be.”

  “'Leave us be?’ ‘Leave us be?’ What does that mean? You talk as if I'm an outsider or some sort of horrible curse that was visited on you all.”

  “I didn't mean for it to sound like that. You and John will never work and I don't want any more pain for him or for me.”

  “The last thing I want to do is cause anyone any pain. But someone is going to be hurt; that's life, Momma. There's no way out of it. I'll see you later.”

  Shane held Sarah's hand in his as they walked slowly along the old trails they use to run and play on when they were children.

  “Have you made a decision?” His question was almost a whisper. He asked as if he really didn't want to know.

  “No, Shane... I haven't. I— I can't marry you right now.”

  Shane stopped, jerked his hand free from hers and looked Sarah straight in the face. “Well, good for you. I wouldn't have thought the decision would have been this difficult for you, especially since you said that you loved me so deeply. I can't believe you. I really can't!”

  “Shane! You know I do love you. If not this decision would be easy. What's so hard for me is the fact that I do love you desperately!” She'd expected bitterness, but his doubts of her feelings for him shocked her.

  “What has that man ever done to make sure you were safe? He took you up north where you could have been killed too. He ran all over the countryside leaving you here with Nathan and a family who overlooked everything he did to you, while I did my best to protect you from him! And now, you are going put me on hold just because John has waltzed back into your life? How long will it last this time? A week, month, year before he leaves you crying again? Leaves you for me to put back together again! I'm just warning you, I may not be here the next time he tears your heart out.”

  “Shane, don't do this to me! I'm sorry. I didn't plan for any of this to happen! But it did. I love you Shane, but... ”

  “But, you love John more.”

  “No, but I do love him. You knew that.”

  “I have to go. Let me know when your head clears, if it ever does. I'm done playing this game.” Shane stomped off through the woods back towards his place.

  “Shane wait... don't leave mad.” But he kept on going. Sarah walked home slowly. She didn't feel right. She felt sick... very, very sick.

  John came in a few days later fairly bursting with happiness. “Come with me, Sarah.”

  “Where to?”

  “You have to see it! You just have to see it.”

  “See what?”

  “Just come on! It's a surprise.”

  “All right, all right!”

  John drove quickly out to the limits of town where the Simpson's house was. “There it is.” John pointed towards the white-washed farm house with a picket fence surrounding it.

  “What?”

  “Our new house! Should you come to your senses and marry me as you know you want to.”

  “John, you didn't!” She felt repulsed.

  “I did... I bought it today!” He smiled proudly.

  “John, you didn't listen to a word I said!” she huffed bitterly. “You never should have made an important decision about our lives together without including me. I told you I haven't decided, and that I wanted away from here! If you had listened to anything I said you would have known better than this!”

  “I thought you'd love it.”

  Suddenly Sarah felt a wave of sickness come over her. Her face grew pale.

  “Are you ill?”

  “I'm not feeling well. I think I'm going to be sick.” She clasped her hand over her mouth.

  “Just take it easy.’ he wrapped her in his arms and helped her back to the wagon. “It was very foolish of me to buy a house without asking you about it first,” he agreed in disappointment.

  The shaky ride toward home and the swaying motion of the wagon made Sarah feel even sicker. Her head swirled and her cheeks began to tingle. She knew she was going to be sick. “Stop!” She groaned. “I need to get out!” John pulled back on the reigns and Sarah leapt out even before the wagon had stopped. She ran to the bushes to throw up.

  John rushed to her side. “Do you need a Doctor?”

  “No, I think I just ate something that didn't agree with me. I feel fine now.”
<
br />   “You look pale. I'm sorry if I upset you about the house. It was so thoughtless of me, but I thought it'd make you happy.”

  “I'm fine.” Sarah rubbed her face in her hands. “Just please consult me before making big decisions about our life. I think we should be together on such things.”

  “I understand what you mean. You're right.”

  The next morning, Sarah couldn't even get out of bed. Her face was pale and she was purplish around the mouth.

  “There's something wrong with her,” John insisted. “I'm going for the Doctor.”

  “There's no use in wasting money on a Doctor for this. She just has a little upset stomach!” Marion threw her eyes toward the ceiling.

  “Momma, I'm getting the Doctor. I know something is bad wrong with her.”

  Sarah turned over in bed and the room began to spin. Everything got blurry and came back into focus. She felt the odd stirring in her stomach again. Her cheeks tingled and her mouth began to water. She swallowed hard but she knew it was futile. She crawled out of bed, pulled out the chamber pot and leaned over it. “Oh.” She groaned as she vomited. Her eyes watered. She smoothed the wet rag over her face that Marion had given her. She shoved the porcelain pot back under the bed to be cleaned later, then lay back down and closed her eyes.

  Before she knew it, John was waking her. “Sarah,” He lightly shook her “wake up, the Doctor's here.” Then he turned and left the room as the doctor sat his bag on the bed.

  John anxiously waited for the Doctor to come back and tell him what was wrong with Sarah while Marion went about doing the chores.

  Suddenly, John heard Sarah cry out. “No, oh God no!” The blood curdling scream made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. He felt the same odd feeling he'd felt that day when he'd come back home. Something eerie and dark was in her screams and it frightened him. He ran into her room. “What is it?”

  “Are you going to tell him, or should I?” The doctor glared at Sarah.

  “You tell him... I can't.”

  “John, get your mother in here. This isn't something I want to say twice.”

  John rushed into the yard calling for Marion. “Momma!” he yelled franticly. His mind raced. Something must be terribly wrong. Was the doctor going to tell them that Sarah was dying? All he knew was that it was something horrible.