Free-Range Chickens

by Simon Rich

BATMAN: I just don’t have any confidence in that asylum. Last month they released the Penguin and three days later he tried to kill me. I was able to capture him and have him recommitted to the asylum, but they released him again the very next day! He tried to kill me this morning. I barely escaped. He’s still on the loose.

  MAYOR: Believe me, Batman, I sympathize.

  BATMAN: Listen. I’ve been crunching the numbers, and if we eliminate the Gotham Symphony Orchestra, we can hire four extra guards and build a watchtower.

  MAYOR: Batman, the orchestra is one of the jewels of our city.

  BATMAN: I know, I know…but don’t you think we’ve reached a crisis situation?

  MAYOR: It’s just…less costly to keep things the way they are. And besides, you can handle these guys! You’re Batman. You don’t need some fancy, expensive new prison.

  BATMAN: Is that new? That flat screen TV?

  MAYOR:…

  (Phone rings.)

  MAYOR: Excuse me, Batman. (Picks up phone.) Mayor Hayes here…really? Kidnapped? What did the note say? Huh…it sounds like some kind of riddle. Nah, don’t worry about the signal. He’s right here. (Hangs up.) It seems the governor’s daughter has been kidnapped.

  BATMAN: Again? That’s the third time this month!

  MAYOR: It sounds like the work of the Riddler. Apparently he’s…um…escaped from prison.

  BATMAN:…

  MAYOR: Hey, at least you’re already dressed, right? I mean, that saves us a call on the red phone.

  BATMAN: You know what my red phone bill was last month? Eleven hundred dollars. That money comes straight out of my own pocket.

  MAYOR: Do you want a key to the city?

  BATMAN: I already have seventy-four keys to the city. I don’t need another key to the damn city. All I want is some accountability here.

  MAYOR: I’ll tell you what: I’ll talk to that philanthropist, Bruce Wayne. I bet I can convince him to donate us a prison. That guy’s a real pushover.

  BATMAN:…

  MAYOR: You know there’s a rumor going around that he had a face-lift?

  BATMAN: Really? Who’s been saying that?

  MAYOR: (Shrugs.) Everybody.

  World’s oldest profession

  If prostitution really is the “world’s oldest profession,” that means there was a time when it was the only job on earth.

  20,000 B.C.

  MAN: Hey.

  WOMAN: Hey.

  MAN AND WOMAN: (in unison) You want some action?

  MAN: Damn. Thought I had a sale.

  WOMAN: Me too.

  MAN: Hey, do you mind if I go after the next customer? It’s been a really slow week for me.

  WOMAN: Go ahead.

  MAN: Thanks. Hello, sir!

  SECOND MAN: Want some action?

  MAN: (Sighs.)

  SECOND MAN: (to woman) Want some action?

  19,000 B.C.

  MAN: Guess what? I came up with a new profession. It’s called “carpenter.”

  WOMAN: Is it sort of like “prostitute”?

  MAN: No, it’s a totally different thing. I make things out of wood and sell them to other people.

  WOMAN: Sell them? For what?

  MAN: Sex, usually. I mean…my customers are all prostitutes.

  WOMAN: Oh. Want some action?

  MAN: Do you want some action?

  WOMAN: I thought you said you were a carpenter now.

  MAN: I’m not quitting my day job.

  Worst nightmare

  POLICE OFFICER: Mr. Rich? We need to speak to you.

  ME: Is there a problem, Officer?

  SECOND POLICE OFFICER: Your neighbor Mrs. Hamilton was murdered today, and you match the witness’s description. I’d call that a problem.

  ME: Officer, I swear, I had nothing to do with it!

  SECOND POLICE OFFICER: We’ll need an alibi. Where were you this afternoon?

  ME: At what time?

  SECOND POLICE OFFICER: From eight A.M. to six P.M.

  ME: I was here. In my apartment.

  POLICE OFFICER: Really? On a Wednesday?

  SECOND POLICE OFFICER: Why weren’t you at work?

  ME: Well, I’m a writer, so I work from home.

  POLICE OFFICER: So you were writing. What were you working on?

  SECOND POLICE OFFICER: I don’t see any writing materials around.

  ME: Well…actually…I didn’t really get much work done today.

  POLICE OFFICER: So what did you do all day?

  ME: I watched TV.

  POLICE OFFICER: For the entire day?

  ME: Um…yeah.

  POLICE OFFICER: What did you watch?

  ME: Does it really matter?

  POLICE OFFICER: Yes.

  ME: Okay…I watched Nanny 911.

  POLICE OFFICER: What’s that?

  ME: It’s a reality show about a group of British nannies. They visit American households and try to get them to be more organized.

  SECOND POLICE OFFICER: What else?

  ME: That’s it. Just…that one show.

  POLICE OFFICER: You watched Nanny 911 for ten straight hours?

  ME: There was a marathon.

  SECOND POLICE OFFICER: Jesus. What about meals?

  ME: I ordered in pizza. Once at noon and then again at around five.

  POLICE OFFICER: You ordered pizza twice in one day?

  SECOND POLICE OFFICER: (picking up copy of TV Guide) Hey, it says here that the Nanny 911 marathon was only five hours long. Your story doesn’t hold up.

  ME: Well…the thing is…they ran the marathon twice. Once from eight to one…and then again, from one to six.

  POLICE OFFICER: Wait a minute. You’re telling us you watched five episodes of Nanny 911, from eight to one. And then you watched the same five episodes again, from one to six?

  (long pause)

  ME: I murdered Mr. Hamilton.

  POLICE OFFICER: You mean Mrs. Hamilton?

  ME: Whatever.

  The only e-mails I could receive that would justify the frequency with which I check my e-mail

  Hey Simon,

  It’s Danielle, the quiet girl you said “hi” to once at Academic Camp the summer after junior year of high school. I’d explain how I tracked you down and got your e-mail address, but there just isn’t enough time: in three minutes, I’m leaving on a jet plane for the Bahamas. (I know—I should have e-mailed earlier!) Anyway, I’ve been secretly in love with you for the past six years and I want you to come live with me in paradise. If you write back in the next three minutes, I can get the pilot to wait for you. If you don’t respond by then, I’ll have no choice but to assume that our feelings are not reciprocal.

  Danielle

  Dear Mr. Rich,

  This is the IRS. We have a feeling that you may have accidentally exaggerated some of your business expenses this year, but we don’t want to trouble you with something as unpleasant as a tax audit. Can you do us a favor and just send over a quick e-mail confirming that you told the truth on all of your forms? You don’t have to explain your specific expenses—you can just put “It’s all true” in the subject heading, or something to that effect. If you write us back before the tax deadline, which is in three minutes, then we’ll consider this matter closed. Otherwise, we’ll have no choice but to take your silence as an admission of guilt and send you to prison.

  IRS

  Hey Simon,

  How’s it going? It’s Craig from high school. I just wanted to say hey and see what you were up to. I just started working for a company called Skylar Labs and it’s been really exciting. In fact, I’m actually on my way to a press conference right now. In three minutes we’re unveiling a really cool new product to the public. It’s hard to explain, but basically it stops the spread of cancer cells while simultaneously giving patients the ability to fly. I wonder if the announcement will have any effect on our company’s stock prices? Anyway, hope everything’s cool with you and I’ll talk to you later.

  Craig

  Dea
r Mr. Rich,

  Three minutes ago, NASA confirmed that a moon-sized asteroid is on a collision course with Earth. In preparation for this day, the government has built an escape pod, called simply, “The Ark.” You are among the ten humans who have been selected to board the pod and serve as the progenitors for a new race of men which will live on after our planet has exploded. The other humans going into the pod are Jack Nicholson, a brilliant scientist, and the seven most beautiful women on the planet. Please write us back in the next few minutes to confirm that you’re willing to take part in this mission. If you’re uncomfortable with this level of power and celebrity, just ignore this e-mail and in three minutes your seat will be given to someone else.

  God bless you,

  The President

  An interview with Stephen Hawking

  REPORTER: I just want to start off by saying what a huge fan I am.

  STEPHEN HAWKING: Thank you so much.

  REPORTER: How does it feel to know that your seminal work, A Brief History of Time, has sold over two million copies worldwide?

  STEPHEN HAWKING: It’s an incredible honor. I’m still shocked, to be honest, that it was published in the first place. It isn’t very often that I Love Lucy fan fiction makes its way onto the shelves.

  REPORTER: I’m sorry…did you say “I Love Lucy fan fiction”?

  STEPHEN HAWKING: Yes, that’s what my book is: a series of stories that I wrote using the characters from I Love Lucy. They travel around the world together, having zany adventures.

  REPORTER: I thought it was about astrophysics. Like…black holes.

  STEPHEN HAWKING: That’s only the first three chapters. In the middle of chapter four the narrative spirals off into I Love Lucy fan fiction and stays there for the remainder of the book.

  REPORTER: Really?

  STEPHEN HAWKING: Yes. I must say, I’m pretty surprised you didn’t notice. It’s almost as if you started to read my book, got bored, and then quit after just a few pages.

  REPORTER:…

  STEPHEN HAWKING: Oh my God. That’s what happened, isn’t it? You bought my book, because you wanted to look smart, but you never even read past page fifty! I’m right, aren’t I?

  REPORTER: I’m sorry, Dr. Hawking.

  STEPHEN HAWKING: Has anyone finished my book?

  The final moments of the Titanic

  According to legend, the Titanic band continued to play music as their ship went down. They never abandoned their instruments or sought places in the lifeboats. Instead, they used their final moments to calm their fellow passengers with popular melodies and lovely waltzes.

  CAPTAIN: You gentlemen are an inspiration, even to an old sea dog like me.

  CELLIST: Thank you, sir.

  CAPTAIN: While there’s still time, I’d like to make one last request. Would you play “Nearer, My God, to Thee”? It’s my favorite hymn.

  VIOLINIST: Of course, sir. That’s my favorite hymn too. A-one and a-two and-a…wait a minute…what do you mean “last request”? I thought we were getting paid to play until six.

  CELLIST: Yeah, our contract says “midnight to six.”

  CAPTAIN: Well, yes…but I imagine the end will come by then. I mean, if the ship continues to sink at this rate.

  VIOLIST: If the ship continues to what? (Looks up from his sheet music.) Holy shit! Guys, look!

  DRUMMER: Jesus Christ! Is that a fucking hole in the ship?

  CELLIST: Oh my God. Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God…

  CAPTAIN: I don’t understand. Didn’t you men hear the collision?

  VIOLINIST: We couldn’t hear anything over the sound of our instruments!

  CAPTAIN: What about all the crowds of screaming people running by? You must’ve noticed them.

  DRUMMER: I thought they were just excited because we were playing so many waltzes! Why didn’t you tell us that the ship was sinking?

  CAPTAIN: I assumed you knew and were playing anyway. You know, as a kind of…gesture.

  CELLIST: Are you insane? (turning to his bandmates) Guys, listen, I have a plan: the rule is usually women and children first, but if we dress up as women, then maybe we can sneak onto the lifeboats!

  VIOLINIST: It’ll never work! We all have beards!

  DRUMMER: Maybe we can kill the women and children, to make more space!

  CELLIST: (nodding seriously) I have a revolver in my room.

  VIOLINIST: It’s too late! The final lifeboat is leaving!

  VIOLIST: (sobbing) What are we going to do?

  CELLIST: Let’s keep playing! Maybe if we do it loud and fast enough, one of the boats will hear us and come back!

  DRUMMER: It’s our only chance.

  Acupuncture school

  According to the U.S. Bureau of Medical Statistics, it can take up to four years to obtain a degree in acupuncture.

  FIRST YEAR

  PROFESSOR: Okay, at this point, you’ve learned how to diagnose patients and insert needles into their bodies. But you still haven’t learned the most important acupunctural skill: keeping a straight face. Remember, if you start to laugh during a session, the patient will realize he’s being scammed. That means, somehow, you’re going to have to do all of this crazy stuff without laughing. Now, repeat after me: The full body needle treatment costs two hundred dollars.

  STUDENT: The full body needle treatment…costs…it costs…(Laughs.)

  PROFESSOR: I know. It’s not easy. Try this: Your pathways will soon be cleansed by flowing energy.

  STUDENT: Your pathways…(Laughs.)…I’m sorry…it’s too crazy.

  PROFESSOR: It’s okay. You’re here to learn.

  SECOND YEAR

  STUDENT: Goddamn it, it’s so hard to keep a straight face!

  PROFESSOR: I know, once the New Age music starts, it’s pretty hard not to completely lose it. Let’s take it from the top.

  STUDENT: (Clears throat.) Hello, Mrs. Berman. I’m going to put on some soothing music to help you cleanse your mind. Then I’m going to take these needles and…(Bursts into hysterical laughter.) Damn it.

  PROFESSOR: Don’t get discouraged.

  THIRD YEAR

  PROFESSOR: Okay, I’ll be the patient. When I complain about a symptom, you tell me there’s something wrong with my “chi.” Ready?

  STUDENT: Yes.

  PROFESSOR: I’ve been really stressed out lately. What do you think the problem is?

  STUDENT: There’s something seriously wrong with your chi.

  PROFESSOR: What’s chi?

  STUDENT: (Laughs.)

  PROFESSOR: Okay, everybody, listen up. This is something you have to be prepared for. Sometimes a patient will ask you to define “chi” and you’ll have to give them some kind of answer without losing it. Otherwise, they’ll figure out that it’s a nonsense word. I always define it as “the flowing of life energy through the body.” Everybody try saying that.

  STUDENT: The flowing of life…of life energy…(Laughs.)

  PROFESSOR: Let’s take a breather. This has been a lot for one day.

  FOURTH YEAR

  PROFESSOR: I’ve tried every other treatment in the city. Do you really think this acupuncture thing will work?

  STUDENT: Absolutely. I believe there’s something seriously wrong with your chi.

  PROFESSOR: What is chi?

  STUDENT: The flowing of life energy through the body.

  PROFESSOR: Life energy? What’s that?

  STUDENT: A steady pulsing, as old as time, that lives inside our chakras.

  PROFESSOR: (Bursts into laughter.)

  (pause)

  PROFESSOR: My God…you have become the teacher and I have become the student.

  STUDENT: (blushing) Thank you, sir.

  The official rules of boxing

  Here is a list of what is legal and illegal in boxing according to the official rules.

  Hitting someone in the leg: illegal

  Hitting a man in the ears, neck, and face as hard as you can, over and over again, for forty minutes strai
ght: legal

  Elbowing someone in the stomach: illegal

  Hitting someone so hard in the head that part of his brain dies: legal

  Grabbing someone’s gloves to stop him from hitting you in the face for a few seconds so you can take a breath and think things over like a reasonable person: illegal

  Punching someone so hard in the eyes that blood shoots out of his eyes, ears, and mouth and he dies right there in the ring: legal

  Wrapping your arms around your opponent to try to get him to stop murdering you for just a couple of seconds: illegal Hitting someone in the brain so hard, over and over again, that his brain stops working and he becomes unconscious. Then, the second he regains consciousness you start hitting him again, in the same part of the brain: legal

  Biting someone’s ear: illegal

  Hitting someone 150 times in the face in under half an hour: legal

  Secret Service

  In order to become a Secret Service agent, you need to fill out a lengthy job application describing your academic achievements, military background, and foreign language skills. Here is the secret service job application I would give out if I were ever elected president.

  1) How wide is your body?

  2) How tall is your body?

  3) What is the total surface area of your body?

  4) How thick is your body?

  5) When you’re standing up, do you keep your arms pressed flush against your sides? Or are there little gaps between your arms and your body?

  6) When you suffer a serious injury, do you instinctively fall to the ground? Or do you kind of rear back while remaining more or less upright?

  7) Say, hypothetically, you were lying on top of me. Is your body constructed in such a way that it would cover up my body entirely? Or would there be little bits of my body that weren’t covered?

  8) Would you describe yourself as having a “hero complex”?

  9) Draw a diagram of your body, marking exactly how thick each part is.

  Logic problems