Free-Range Chickens
Page 6
GOD: I wanted to see the look on the waitress’s face.
ANGEL: That’s it? That’s the only reason?
GOD: That’s the only reason I do anything. To see the look on people’s faces.
ANGEL: Really? What about World War I?
GOD: I wanted to see the look on Woodrow Wilson’s face.
ANGEL: So you never take anything else into account?
GOD: Hey, look, there’s a guy riding through the desert. I’m going to strike his horse with lightning.
ANGEL: But he’s fifty miles away from the nearest house! If you kill his horse, he’ll be stranded!
GOD: (Strikes horse with lightning.) Oh, man, did you see the look on that guy’s face? He was all like, “Hey, what happened to my horse?” (Laughs.) I’m sorry…what were we talking about?
ANGEL: (Sighs.) Nothing.
Intelligent design
GOD: Check out this human I designed.
ANGEL: Wow, that looks incredible. How does it work?
GOD: It’s pretty complicated. Point to something and I’ll tell you what it does.
ANGEL: Okay. What are these?
GOD: Teeth. They’re for chewing up food.
ANGEL: How come there are so many of them?
GOD: I threw in, like, three or four extra. If they don’t like them, they can pull them out somehow, I guess.
ANGEL: What about this weird bag thing?
GOD: That’s the appendix.
ANGEL: What does it do?
GOD: It explodes.
ANGEL: Really? That’s all?
GOD: Pretty much.
ANGEL: What causes that to happen?
GOD: It just happens randomly. Like you’ll just be walking down the street or driving a car and boom.
ANGEL: Geez…that’s terrifying. Does it kill the person?
GOD: (Shrugs.) Sometimes.
Why do bad things happen to good people?
GOD: Who’s that guy swimming in the lake?
ANGEL: Joshua Alpert.
GOD: Really? In that case…(Strikes lake with lightning.)
ANGEL: Whoa… God…why did you do that?
GOD: Oh, he was a horrible human being. He shot his own parents when he was twelve years old. In fact, he was the youngest murderer in the history of Nebraska.
ANGEL: But…that guy was from Vermont.
GOD:…
ANGEL:…
GOD: Don’t tell me there are two Joshua Alperts.
A miracle
After nine nerve-racking months, an Iowa woman gave birth to septuplets yesterday. All seven babies survived and are currently being treated in the hospital’s intensive care unit.
“It’s a miracle,” Dr. Albert Ea said.
“An honest-to-God miracle.”
—evening edition
ANGEL: God? Can you help me stop this forest fire? It’ll just take a few minutes.
GOD: Hold on…I’m busy giving this woman extra babies. I’ve already got her up to four.
ANGEL: Whoa…sir…no offense, but that looks pretty unhealthy.
GOD: What do you mean? She asked for babies and I’m giving them to her. It’s a miracle.
ANGEL: I know, and it’s very noble of you to answer her prayers. I just…I don’t understand why she needs so many babies all at once. I mean…wouldn’t it make more sense to space them out?
GOD: Hey, look, I got it up to five.
ANGEL: Aren’t you at all nervous about medical complications? I mean…these babies will almost certainly be delivered prematurely. And if that happens, the risk of birth defects will—
GOD: Six! Check it out—six babies!
ANGEL: Sir…this is really impressive…but I really think you should focus on the forest fire right now.
GOD: One more baby.
ANGEL: Don’t you think six is enough?
GOD: Seven’s the record. I want to try to at least tie it.
ANGEL: No offense, sir…but I’m not sure if this is the best use of your time.
GOD: Trust me: people are going to love this.
Saint Agnes the martyr
SAINT AGNES: Oh Father, what a delight it is to finally be in your presence!
GOD: Do I…know you?
SAINT AGNES: Well, we’ve never met, but…you might’ve seen me recently.
GOD: Where?
SAINT AGNES: In Rome?
GOD: I’m not…I’m sorry.
SAINT AGNES: The Colosseum?
GOD: Wait a minute, I was just watching the Colosseum! Are you one of the Colosseum dancers?
SAINT AGNES: No.
GOD: Were you before or after the lion thing?
SAINT AGNES: During. I was fed to them, for your greater glory.
GOD: You mean…that was a religious thing?
SAINT AGNES: Yes.
GOD: Are all the lion things religious?
SAINT AGNES: Yes.
GOD: Wow. Well, listen…great job out there.
God has a plan for all of us
GOD: Did you start that war over in South America?
ANGEL: Yes, sir, just as you specified.
GOD: And you gave Fred Hodges that migraine? In Fayette, Maine?
ANGEL: Yes, of course. I followed all your orders to the letter.
GOD: Okay, great. So the next part of my grand sweeping plan is…the next part is…um…
ANGEL: Yes?
GOD: Wait, hold on…I know I was going somewhere with this…
ANGEL:…
GOD: It’s the damnedest thing. I had this giant, all-encompassing plan, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was.
ANGEL: Did you…write it down somewhere?
GOD: Nah. It was all up here. (Points at head.)
ANGEL: Well…maybe if I say some of the things you’ve done so far, you’ll remember?
GOD: That’s a good idea. Let’s try that.
ANGEL: Okay…um…the assassination of Julius Caesar…the great San Francisco fire…World War I…World War II…is anything coming back?
GOD: I know all those things are connected somehow…they were all part of this awesome plan I had…I just can’t remember what the payoff was.
ANGEL:…
GOD: Guess I bit off more than I could chew.
Made for each other
ANGEL: Look, there’s a wedding in St. Patrick’s Cathedral!
Max and Jenny… wow, they sure seem happy.
GOD: Yeah, that looks like a really nice event.
ANGEL: Did you hear the vows? Max said the two of them were made for each other. It was so romantic.
GOD: Yeah. That’s nice that he thinks that.
ANGEL: You mean…they’re not made for each other?
GOD: No. I made Max for a woman named Alice Fishbein.
ANGEL: Who’s she?
GOD: She lives in Peekskill. She and Max have identical senses of humor and the same taste in furniture. They’re both obsessed with baking. Their sexual organs are mathematically proportioned to provide each other with the maximum amount of pleasure. It would have been incredible.
ANGEL: Wow. How come they didn’t end up together?
GOD: I thought it was going to happen. Max lives in Croton. That’s only two towns over. I figured they’d run into each other sooner or later and it would be love at first sight. Guess it never panned out.
ANGEL: What about Jenny? Who is she made for?
GOD: I made her for this guy Tom, in Calgary. He loves red and purple Life Savers and she loves the citrus flavors, so if they ever bought a pack, it would work out perfectly. Also, Tom plays the violin and Jenny plays the upright bass, so if they ever wanted to jam, they could just go ahead and do it.
ANGEL: But Calgary…that’s all the way in Canada.
GOD: Yeah. I should have put them closer.
(Church bells ring below.)
ANGEL: Oh, no—it’s too late!
GOD: That’s okay. Who knows? Maybe they’ll be happy.
ANGEL: Really? Is that possible?
GOD: Stranger things have happened.
acknowledgments
I want to thank Daniel Greenberg and Dan Menaker for taking these jokes so seriously. Their advice and encouragement drastically improved this book. I’ve learned so much from both of them these past few years and I feel really lucky to have found them.
I also want to thank Julia Cheiffetz, Thomas Beck Stvan, Evan Camfield, Emily DeHuff, Lee Eastman, Shari Smiley, Billy Hawkins, Gregory McKnight, and my friends and family, many of whom appear undisguised in this book, often without permission.
Last but not least, I want to thank my friends at Fishkill Farms: Josh Morgenthau, Jake Luce, and Josh Koenigsberg. You gave me more than a place to live last year, and I am forever in your debt.
For quality you can taste, choose Fishkill Farms, the last word in premium free-range chicken products. Available at fine markets throughout the New York area.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
SIMON RICH was born in New York City in 1984. He has written jokes for Mad magazine, The New Yorker, Saturday Night Live, and The Harvard Lampoon. His first book, Ant Farm and Other Desperate Situations, was published in 2007.
ALSO BY SIMON RICH
Ant Farm
Copyright © 2008 by Simon Rich
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Random House, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
RANDOM HOUSE and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
“What I Imagined People Around Me Were Saying” was originally published as “Hey, Look” in The New Yorker, July 23, 2007. “Actor’s Nightmare,” “Amusement,” and “Free-Range Chickens” were originally published, in different form, in The Harvard Lampoon.
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA
Rich, Simon.
Free-range chickens / Simon Rich.
p. cm.
1. American wit and humor. I. Title.
PN6165.r54 2008
818'.602—dc22 2008003036
www.atrandom.com
eISBN: 978-1-58836-732-7
v3.0