Invisible Tears

by Abigail Lawrence

  I had them eating out of my hand. They explained that despite the image, they never had the nerve to do the kind of things I did. I began to like them even though they were skins. It felt good to have someone look up to me.

  Dinner was served in the dining room, which was full of kids ranging between eight and 15. With the exception of one boy, I was the eldest. I wasn’t very hungry and left most of my dinner even though it was my favourite, Bangers and Mash. I went to my room but as yet, I had no clothes to change into. They had offered me some, but I told them I wouldn’t be seen dead in them. Albert said he would fetch some from Maggie and deliver them tomorrow. I lay on my bed and wondered what I had done to deserve this? Why me?

  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t feel sorry for myself in that sense, but I was left wondering where it had all gone wrong? I had only just figured out what I went through as a kid wasn’t normal. I wasn’t really a bad person. I just wouldn’t allow myself to be good. It was some kind of self-preservation thing. I enjoyed the attention I got from being a rule breaker. It was my way of fighting back at the treatment I received as a child, unlike Alex, who did his best to hide his emotions.

  When I woke up it was light, and there was a knock at the door.

  “Get up, come on, wakey wakey,” I could hear the voice banging on all the bedroom doors, one after another. I threw the covers off. I hated everything and I was in a bad mood.

  “I’m sick of this fuckin’ place already! I’m sick of people making me do things and I’m sick of my shit fuckin’ life!” I screamed.

  I looked up into the mirror as I passed. A voice in my head yelled at me, it was mum telling me all over again. “You’re Ugly!” My fist flew at the mirror and it shattered. Little shards of glittering glass flew around me to the floor. The razor sharp pieces cut my skin and my knuckles were bleeding.

  “Why can’t I just die?” I bellowed at the top of my voice. A line of blood trickled down my arm. I threw my fists into the wall causing the pictures to shake.

  It hadn’t taken long. Once again I was back into my world of hatred and pain. Almost every day I slipped back to my childhood, when my stepmother tortured me for fun and did her upmost to destroy my spirit. From the moment I left the Court and arrived at the kid’s home, the feelings of rejection and loneliness built inside of me. My tantrum was the anger coming out. It felt like I had hit rock bottom. I could feel the pain and violence whenever I thought about Sue as if it was yesterday, and I knew that the feelings of anger raging inside of me were because of her.

  Looking back, I saw fists coming at me, blood dripping from my nose and ear. She walked patiently around me waiting for me to break down. It was her game. Whenever I spoke of my real mum I was punished. It was her way of controlling me and making me suffer. She would stop hurting me only when she got bored of it. I believed I was worthless, she told me every day. Who was I to argue? My thoughts, hopes, dreams and memories of my real mum had been totally beaten out of me. I could control it no longer. It was usually at this point that I wished I could go back in time. If I was there now, it would be her getting the beatings. I imagined myself beating the crap out of her just to let her know what it felt like.

  I grabbed the bottle of perfume Dave had bought me, which Maggie had brought to the Court for me to freshen up. I slung it as hard as I could against the door. More jagged pieces of glass flew everywhere. I was shocked when it bounced straight back at me. I threw my hands up to my face and felt the glass showering the back of my hands. Apparently no-one heard the smash, because no-one came. It was my temper and it was aimed at me only. I wiped the cuts on my arm and wrist, pulled down the sleeves to hide my hands and left my room. I felt a whole lot better.

  I could smell bacon downstairs and the sound of kids giggling in the room below me. It sounded like a holiday camp, but I had already figured it wasn’t. It seemed that every day there were different staff. I learned there were several shifts. Some I got on with and others I didn’t, but for the most part we ignored each other.

  It was at least five days before Albert arrived with some clothes. Apparently he had been ill. I wore the same two sets of clothes for almost a week. Apology or not, I wasn’t impressed and let him know it. Dave had been sent on a last minute exercise with the army the day after I arrived at the children’s home. A sigh of relief, That’s why he hasn’t been to visit me. He was due back in three days and would come and see me then. Albert didn’t stay long, but gave me more cigarettes and more money in case I ran out while they were sorting out my pocket money allowances.

  The days dragged. I would have to start back at my regular school on Monday. They would drop me off in the van and collect me. Part of my care order was education, and so I had to attend school as part of the deal. If I don’t go to school I’ll never come off this damn “Ward of Court” crap, I thought. I was not looking forward to school! I hadn’t been there for over two months. I really couldn’t be bothered with all the catching up or the constant explanations as to why I had been absent.

  I sat in the garden smoking and heard that familiar sound, a bit like a hairdryer, and my ears perked. Dave! I ran around to the front of the house and saw him pull into the drive. I had never been so happy. He was all I had. Even my own brother hadn’t bothered to ring me or find out how I was doing. But I knew I could depend on Dave. I ran over hugging him so hard. I knew it was totally not cool to do that in public, but I couldn’t resist. I was bursting with excitement!

  I turned back and saw the employees watching out of the staff room window as Dave arrived and got off his scooter. He was 17 now and I knew they didn’t like the fact I was seeing someone older. One lady came out to remind me of my curfew as I hopped on the scooter and we pulled away.

  “Where to, my lady?” his Yorkshire accent yelled above the roar of the engine.

  “Anywhere but here. How about the beach?” I shouted, hugging him tight. I could smell him through his coat, and it was wonderful just to smell something familiar.

  Chapter 16

  Dave headed toward the beach in Dover. After about twenty minutes along the coastline, we arrived in the middle of nowhere. It was fantastic to have the wind in my face, to feel free again.

  The beach was mostly pebbles, not much sand at all. We hobbled our way over the loose stones towards the sea and sat ourselves on a mound of boulders. It wasn’t very comfortable or romantic really, but we sat for about 30 minutes and stared at the sea saying nothing. I studied the waves breaking on the rocks trying to make sense of what the heck occurred over the last couple of weeks. It all happened so fast, I couldn’t make sense of it. Dave had his arm around me and suddenly asked me why I had been so stupid? I didn’t know what to say. I just always seemed to have the self-destruct switch flipped to ON.

  I felt safe and I knew I would be while Dave was around. He was so sensible. We lay back on uneven rocks and I rested my head on his chest. We thought up ways we could be together. Maggie and dad had told him they didn’t want him around me for a while. They felt I needed to sort myself out, and they didn’t want me back home until I had.

  “Well that’s a never then,” I sighed. “I can’t be what they want me to be. I’m not what they want.” It was at that moment I realised and said to Dave, “I don’t think I will ever be going back home again.”

  Time was ticking away. I knew I had to be back for curfew, and I didn’t want to spoil the first time in a while I had seen Dave. We arranged to meet the next day, exchanging contact phone numbers. I gave him the children’s home phone number, and he gave me his friend’s house phone number so we could stay in touch.

  The next few days started feeling better. Dave was around a lot of the time, much to the annoyance of the home staff. They told me, “Dump him, he’s no good for you.” They thought he was putting pressure on me all the time. If anything, it was the other way round. I was getting pretty fed up. The staff had left me alone most of the time, but it soon changed when Dave came on the scene again. I told them
I would think about it and to “just off my back while I decide what else I can do.”

  Dave picked me up the next day. It was Saturday afternoon by the time we got away. We rode down the coast as usual, and although Dave was tired having been on guard duty all night, we decided to find somewhere quiet to be together. Sex was high on the agenda but we weren’t really that bothered where. We found a disused railway and followed it for a while. We came across an old bridge with a metal gate underneath. Dave looked around and found a metal pole and struggled but managed to wrench the gate apart with it. We seemed to have this uncanny knack of finding really glamorous places to spend time together. I was getting used to these up-market locations for sex. Why don’t we just do it in the dirt, I thought.

  “We don’t have much time,” he said as he hurriedly took off his green parka and laid it on the ground for me to lie on.

  “But, can’t we. . ?”

  “You don’t want to get in trouble for being late,” he sounded concerned. I knew what was coming but was totally powerless to resist. I had smoked some happy backie and felt really cosy and relaxed.

  When Dave rolled off of me and dozed off after his fierce five-minute shag, I lay there in a world of my own. I could feel the sticky mess oozing between my legs and wondered if he had any tissues. I was blissfully unaware that I was past my curfew. I dozed off too, and when I came to, it was pitch black. Dave was fast asleep and I could hear rustling nearby. It seemed far too loud for a fox or a badger. Had someone found us? Had they been watching us all along? Fear dug in between my ribs. It went silent again for a few minutes then the rustling and moving around got louder. I grabbed Dave shaking him attempting to wake him quietly.

  “Sshhh,” I whispered into his ear, “there’s someone there.” My eyes were wide in fear and I was breathing heavy.

  “Who’s there?” He called out into the trees. It fell silent again.

  “It’s not fucking funny, now, come out,” I shouted into the dark.

  Dave grabbed for the metal bar for and we warily tip-toed back to the gate. Scrunch-a-boom! A loud crashing noise exploded in front of us and large tree branches snapped. We both flew back from the gate scrambling and grabbing at each other in the black tunnel straining to see in the dark. Suddenly, a big, black and white cow came through the hedge and stared at us like, What the hell are you two doing here?

  “Shit!” Dave said throwing the pole into the back of the tunnel in disgust. He muttered under his breath while I burst out laughing. The poor cow ran off into the black of night, charging through another hedgerow. I couldn’t stop giggling for ages. I honestly thought it was the boogieman and it was a milk cow.

  “My hero,” I threw my arm around Dave imagining how he was protecting me.

  “Aah shit!” he cursed looking at his watch. “Shit, shit, shit!” was all he could say. “Come on,” he said grabbing my arm, more or less dragging me back across the tracks, through the undergrowth to his scooter.

  The house was dark, not a light on and not a sound. Dave had stopped his scooter around the corner so he wouldn’t draw attention to our arrival. As I sneaked up the metal stairs which led to my room, Dave took off. I hoped and prayed the window wasn’t locked, but no luck. Sealed! Alone and totally frustrated and annoyed, I hadn’t thought to unlock the window before I left, so I had no choice. I went back downstairs and sat on the door step. I couldn’t risk waking everyone so I sat on that cold, hard doorstep until the sun rose in the sky and staff turned up for work.

  “Wakey wakey,” Jane appeared up the walk. “What happened to you last night? You had everyone worried. They reported you to the police as missing,” she said with her back to me, unlocking the front door and picking up the milk bottles. I must have slept through the milk delivery. She walked inside.

  “Missing?” I repeated parrot fashion. I pulled myself up off of the doorstep and followed her in. I climbed the stairs to my room, feeling shattered and not caring less if I was in trouble. I didn’t want Dave to get in trouble, so I would keep him out of it whatever it took.

  I lay on my bed trying to think up some amazing cock-and-bull story that might clear him, but I came up short. No one would believe me for a minute that we had fallen asleep in a tunnel or even that we fell asleep anywhere. No one on Earth was fool enough to believe the cow story. I thought, See, even when I tell the truth no one believes me so what’s the point? I could feel the anger rumbling inside me like a volcano. I felt cornered. Four members of staff were there telling me how I was grounded, and how I worried everyone sick. Obviously, Dave couldn’t be trusted so I was banned from seeing him ever again.

  “Oh, you reckon do you?” I screamed. “Who the fuck do you think you are? You can’t tell me what to do! And don’t fucking look at me like that or I will wipe that look off your face!”

  I was livid, blood boiling, adrenaline rushing through my body like a snort of cocaine. How will they stop me? They’ll have to lock me in my room! I marched out of the office. Phil followed me out into the hall and put his hand on my shoulder to stop me walking away. I just flipped. I don’t know what came over me. I started hitting him, kicking him, and punching for all I was worth. It was seconds, really, before other staff came to his support. Before I knew it I was on the floor being pinned down by four staff members. It took a while before I could feel anything, like the pain in my neck from being kneed to the ground. I guess they had no choice but to protect them and me from myself. Fingers dug into my arms to hold me down and the pain started to get more and more real. I couldn’t breathe and my heart was racing, full panic mode.

  “Just calm down,” a male voice tried to reassure me.

  “Get off me!” I screamed shifting to move the bodies. I finally got tired from the struggle and started to give in and calm down. Phil was talking to me softly, trying to calm me down and advising me or rather telling me how this sort of behaviour got me nowhere.

  Oh yeah, I thought, like I had intended to flip out or something. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. It was just a switch that turned on in my head when I got scared. It was the time in my life when my thirst for fighting worsened. Anything was an excuse for a good fight. Kids at the home began to avoid me and I started to rebel even harder.

  I would sneak out at night in order to meet Dave. We would find somewhere to go and be together, meeting up with friends in a café or just going for a ride on his scooter. I really didn’t care what we did. I was his as long as he got me away from that kid’s home.

  Chapter 17

  I hadn’t been to see Maggie and dad for months, and they still hadn’t been to see me since I was put in care. Alex was 17 now, and he hadn’t bothered with me either. He knew where I was and he had transport. He was far too busy being the good boy, I guess. Dave told me he had seen Alex out quite a lot recently, but Alex was popping a lot of pills, so he stayed away from him.

  I felt totally abandoned by my family. Dad finally got what he wanted, kids out of his hair. He had Maggie waiting hand and foot on him, and Alex at home occasionally. Of course I was bitter, but there was a part of me that still missed home. I missed little things like cleaning out dad’s truck at the weekend and blaring out the radio. I missed seeing dad but I had a “stuff them” attitude. I don’t need them. I don’t need anyone. I will just look after myself thanks!

  Dave was away with the army, training for something or another, for several weeks. During that time, I had ran away and been fetched back to the home by the police more than three times. I lost count how many times I ran away or ”absconded” as the home staff called it. If I heard of a gig or a weekender off, I went. I didn’t give a toss if I was allowed to or not.

  “Just give me my own place!” I would whine in meetings with the home and social workers. “I’m not a kid anymore, so stop trying to treat me like one.” Month after month I sat through the same meetings, mapping my future. Strangers decided what they thought was best for me. How can they know what’s best for me when they don’t even know me
? All they knew was what they had read in a file.

  The following Saturday evening arrived and the staff were well aware that I wanted to go out clubbing. I couldn’t contain the excitement I felt at the prospect of going to this particular gig. It promised to be a good one. I had let slip about it during our meeting and been told, “No, under no circumstances will you be allowed to go!”

  I knew Dave was back today and he would be there waiting to see me. The night staff had just changed shifts and Phil was on with Anna. I had missed Dave so much and was looking forward to seeing him. I spent hours getting ready. My hair was freshly dyed black and had been cut into a fresh five point Quant style bob. It was slightly backcombed and sprayed heavily into place. My skin was white with pale foundation. I had used white eye shadow and thick, black liquid liner to do my trademark bitch lines. The look was finished off with white lipstick.

  I had new underwear too. They had taken me out that day shopping for clothes and underwear and to have new bras fitted. I was growing almost by the day, my boobs were a 38DD. For 15 years old they were pretty big. It helped me get into clubs as most girls at 18 wouldn’t have a chest my size. I wore stockings underneath my dress which was my black and white, dog-tooth, checked mini. It had four large, black buttons down the front and I wore black calf boots and a short, black jacket. I was looking good.

  On my way down the stairs I met Anna who was on her way up.

  “Why are you all dressed up? You’re not going anywhere,” she said with a sarcastic tone in her voice.

  “I beg to differ,” I said as I continued down the stairs. She grabbed me and yanked my arm. In a blinding flash I went after her swinging. I could hear Phil shouting stuff at me, but I couldn’t make it out and I couldn’t stop. Anna was trying to drag me upstairs and before I knew it, she tripped, tumbling head first down the whole flight of stairs. Frozen in place, I was powerless and all I could do was stare. Her body banged off of the wall and off the banisters crashing down in summersaults. Arms extended she pulled pictures off the wall, glass shattering down the stairs. In a blind panic I ran right past her as she finally stopped in a crumpled heap.