The Songs We Remember: A Young Adult Romance (The Songs in Our Hearts Book 2)

by Chantal Gadoury

  “You can wait in here. The doctor will be out shortly.”

  As the door closed behind her, I felt a sickening twist envelop my stomach. Was this really happening? Was this…?

  I felt nauseous as I stared at the blue chair. How many other families had been brought here? I tugged my phone out of my pocket, glancing at the time: 6:45AM. Would Micah be awake? I wanted to call him. I wanted to tell him to come right away.

  CHARLIE: Micah. Are you awake?

  “Mrs. Blake?” A voice startled me, causing me to sit down in the chair behind me and forget all about my phone and my message to Micah. A tall, elderly doctor stood in the doorway, a clipboard in hand. He seemed tired, almost as if he had been up the whole night. I wondered how many patients he had seen before my dad.

  “Yes?” Mom replied, standing up. Her eyes were searching the doctor’s face for answers. For the first time, I began to see panic creep on her face.

  The doctor looked down at his clipboard and flipped a few papers to reveal the information he needed, and then slowly peered back at the three of us, one by one. His icy blue eyes were almost apologetic, but not quite. I needed to know what was going on with my dad, now. We all did.

  “What’s going on?” my mom asked. “How is my husband?”

  “Did your husband appear to be all right this morning? Anything peculiar?” His eyes narrowed on her, seeming to ignore her question. My mom shook her head.

  “I didn’t see him this morning. He leaves before we get up. I heard him get around. Nothing sounded abnormal. He got up and got dressed. He didn’t make a lunch because he normally eats with the guys at work on Fridays.”

  “What did he eat last night?” asked the doctor, flicking his pen.

  “What?” My mom looked confused. “What does this have to do with anything?”

  This felt odd. There was something unusual in the way he was speaking to my mother. Where was my dad? Why was the doctor being so cryptic? Why couldn’t he just tell us where he was?

  “These questions are just normal protocol, Mrs. Blake. What did your husband eat for dinner last night?”

  “Hamburgers?” My mom looked to Josh and me. I could tell she was beginning to fret. “Right? Hamburgers?”

  I couldn’t even think about what we ate the night before. All I could remember was Dad sitting at the dinner table and laughing over a few jokes Josh shared with him. Listening to our conversations about TV shows and new movies coming out. We ate hamburgers and a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. It had been a normal evening in the Blake house.

  The tension inside of my body was building, as though I were a volcano about to explode. The doctor clicked his pen again and wrote down a few notes. What was he writing? Why wasn’t he talking to us? I clenched my fists and began to chew my bottom lip nervously.

  “Was he sick? Did he complain of anything?”

  As my mom shook her head again, he tucked the pen behind his ear. He slid his clipboard underneath his arm and looked at the three of us solemnly.

  “I’m not sure how to put this…” The doctor continued. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Blake. He’s gone.”

  Gone?

  This was wrong.

  This was so wrong.

  There was something wrong with all of this. He couldn’t just be ‘gone.’ What did that even mean?

  “Gone? Gone where?” Mom glanced around. Everything began to move slowly. The room became blurry. I felt as though I were spinning.

  “Don’t say it,” I gasped softly. Don’t say the words. Don’t say it. Don’t say he died. Don’t say he passed away.

  The doctor’s face remained distant and somber as he nodded. I knew exactly what he meant.

  Tears rolled down my cheeks as I shook my head. This is not happening. This could not be happening....

  “Your husband had a massive heart attack this morning. He…died upon arrival to the ER.” He sounded stoic—almost robotic—as he said the words.

  I lifted a hand to my lips and fought the urge to argue. My dad was not supposed to die this way. He was only fifty-seven. As much as I teased him about being “old,” he wasn’t old enough to die. Dad was supposed to live into his eighties or nineties, and only die with all of us around him.

  “W-what?” My mom’s voice broke. “What did you say?”

  “We have him ready for you in the room across the hall,” he continued. “Would you like to see him?”

  Josh’s arms were around her instantly. The reality of the words pierced into me deeply. I felt like someone was stabbing me over and over again in my gut. This had to be a mistake. It had been less than ten hours since I last saw him. He had said goodnight to me…and now, I was supposed to say goodbye? I stared blankly at Josh and Mom as tears rolled down my cheeks uncontrollably.

  Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad….

  My life would never be the same again.

  I knew, as I sat there, nothing would ever be the same for any of us. I glanced at the doctor, wishing it could be my dad in the doorway instead. I knew I’d spend my entire life wishing for my dad, looking for my dad…and be greatly disappointed each time.

  This couldn’t be happening. This had to be a nightmare. There was no way my dad was just gone…gone. He didn’t leave on a vacation. He hadn’t gone away because he didn’t love us anymore. He had been stolen, taken. His body was still present, still here…but the part of him that made him my dad was gone.

  Josh’s arms wrapped around me as his hand pressed my head against his chest. The doctor left and a nurse came in swiftly to hold my mother.

  One by one, the nurse allowed us to go into the room across the hall, to where my father was laid out. I was nervous; scared, even as I watched Mom and Josh enter. Their eyes were red as they emerged minutes later.

  As I walked into the room, I stared at his unmoving body. This was my dad. I watched his chest, waiting to see him take a breath. But he never did. He had been living, breathing, laughing…and now he was gone.

  The nurse closed the door behind her, leaving me alone with him. I crossed the room slowly, until I was beside his bed and carefully took his hand.

  Dad had held my hand my whole life. He had been there to guide me, to give me advice, to love me. None of us had been there when he needed us the most. We hadn’t been there when he had a heart attack. Guilt filled me. Sadness, remorse. I wish I had been there.

  I sniffled as I brushed a strand of his hair from his forehead. His skin had become so much cooler than what I was used to. How was I supposed to live from this moment forward? How was I supposed to go home and keep going? How would we all go home after this? What did ‘keep-going’ even mean now? How could I go to sleep tonight, knowing he wouldn’t be home?

  I looked over him as tears filled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I squeezed his hand, unwilling to let go. I never wanted to let go. This has to last me my entire life. This final moment….

  My dad had taught me so many things. He had taught me how to fly a kite, ride a bike, and paint a wall. He had taught me how to fill my gas tank. He had even taught me how to change a tire. He had taught me about second chances. He taught me how to be a good person. But never, in all the lessons, did he ever teach me how to live my life without him.

  With the sleeve of my sweatshirt, I wiped my eyes and nose. I sat down in one of the nearby chairs and stared at him. I wish I knew how to wake him. I wish it were as simple as breaking a spell in a fairy tale.

  “I love you,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry I didn’t say that more, Dad.” I closed my eyes and lowered my forehead to the bar of the gurney. “I wish you’d come back. Wake up, Dad. Please…wake up. Please…. I’m so sorry, Dad. I love you. I love you. I love you…” I hadn’t noticed a hand on my back until I heard my mom’s voice behind me. Her arms held me as I sobbed into her, in the open, quiet, cold hospital room.

  9:00AM

>   JENNIFER: CHARLIE!!!!!! :(

  JENNIFER: My mom just told me what happened. She said she found out by your aunt.

  JENNIFER: WHAT HAPPENED? OMG ARE YOU OKAY?!?

  JENNIFER: …have you called Micah?

  JENNIFER: What can I do!??!?! I want to help!!!!!

  10:30AM

  MICAH: Charlie…

  MICAH: Charlie, I’m so sorry.

  MICAH: Babe. I’m here for u. Please know that.

  MICAH: Jennifer just called me. She said she heard from her mom.

  MICAH: What happened?

  11:36AM

  JENNIFER: Micah told me you’re not responding.

  JENNIFER: Charlie.

  JENNIFER: I’m so worried.

  JENNIFER: Talk to me

  12:37PM

  RACHEL: Charlie <3 I’m so sorry. I’m praying for your family.

  1:24PM

  MICAH: I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to u.

  MICAH: I drove all the way to the hospital.

  MICAH: I’m in the waiting room. I tried to see u at the ER but…I’m not family.

  MICAH: They won’t let me in.

  2:04PM

  DAVID: I’ll be over later.

  DAVID: My mom is baking a meal for you and your family

  DAVID: You and your family are in my thoughts, Charlie.

  2:24PM

  MICAH: I guess…ur not here

  MICAH: I wish I could get u a slushy and just make it all better

  MICAH: I wish I could play u a song in my car and just make it all disappear

  MICAH: where r u

  MICAH: let me comfort u

  3:52PM

  JENNIFER: What can I do???

  JENNIFER: Please let me help you!

  JENNIFER: Can I stop by? I want to hug you! Tell me what I can do to help you!

  4:47PM

  MICAH: U don’t deserve this. U don’t deserve this at all.

  MICAH: I’ll stop by when u want me to. Just say the word.

  MICAH: <3 I love you Charlie.

  5:58PM

  JENNIFER: I’ll never forget that time when your dad made that car for Physics

  JENNIFER: and we told him it looked like a penis.

  JENNIFER: I don’t know why, but I keep thinking about that.

  JENNIFER: he was such a great guy, Charlie.

  JENNIFER: You were so lucky.

  7:42PM

  MICAH: <3

  I FELT NUMB.

  I sat quietly in the dim light of my dad’s workshop, glancing around at the tools left out on his desk. All of his jackets still hung on the walls. Everything was as though he could walk in any minute.

  This couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t how my life was supposed to go. I felt even more numb when extended family began to arrive at our house.

  I wanted to avoid everyone. I wanted to be left alone.

  I didn’t know what to say to all the faces that appeared at our door over the span of an entire day. Some carried large trays of food, all appearing like unspoken condolences of how sucky our life had become so suddenly. I knew after the third tray of baked ziti that I’d never eat or touch the dish again. An uncle peered at me and patted me on the back with a smile—a smile that I wanted to wipe off his face.

  “You all right, there Caroline?”

  I decided the best way I could respond was by not responding at all. Of course I wasn’t all right. I would never be fine. My dad is dead. Doesn’t he understand?

  The first night had been hard. I had barely slept and ignored all my texts and incoming calls. It was too overwhelming. Too many ‘I’m sorrys.’ Too many moments of staring at the front door, wishing he’d appear. Josh had stayed up the entire night with my mom, while I tried to drone out my thoughts with Dance Moms. It didn’t work.

  The morning brought a dreaded sense of reality. When the doorbell rang for the hundredth time, I was ready to tell both visiting family and neighbors to get lost, and to take their stupid baked ziti with them. I pulled the door open, doing what I could to keep my breathing steady, when I saw Micah’s face staring back at me.

  Micah.

  My heart felt as though it were shredding into ribbons. As if I were just dissolving into sea foam. Micah’s arms were around me in one fluid motion, and he held me against his chest tightly.

  “Micah,” I gasped, gripping him.

  “Shhhh…” he whispered against my ear as his hand glided over my hair. I didn’t care who might be watching. I didn’t care about anyone in the room or in the house. They were only there for the food anyway.

  “Hey, Micah,” Josh murmured behind us. “Come on, Charlie. Let’s go back to your room.”

  I felt the soft hum of Micah’s voice against my ear as he agreed.

  “Yeah, it won’t be so overwhelming,” Micah agreed. Didn’t he understand he was wrong? No matter where I was in the house, the pain of the loss was all consuming. Micah’s hands guided me down the hall, toward my bedroom. As I sat down on the side of my unkempt bed, I tried to remember when I had seen him last; when things had been normal. Micah knelt down front of me, his hands gripping mine as Josh stood in the doorway. We all were quiet until Micah cleared his throat.

  “I’m so sorry,” Micah said as he looked at me.

  “Yeah, it’s shitty,” Josh replied, sliding a hand through his hair. Shitty wasn’t even close to being enough to describe what this was like. I kept my gaze on my lap as tears dropped on my jeans.

  “I came to the hospital as soon as I heard…but they wouldn’t let me go back to the rooms. I waited for a few hours, but no one came out.”

  “We all left after a bit. It was hard.” Josh looked down at his feet. “I think we all felt extremely guilty leaving him there. Kinda like…” But he stopped. I knew exactly what he was trying to say. As my mom drove away from the hospital, I felt badly leaving him there too. As if we should have stayed to hold his hand and guide him through all of this. He would have done the same for me…for Josh…for Mom. I couldn’t stop thinking about the time my dad had told me about a nightmare he’d had of being buried alive. It was a fear of his.

  “How is your mom?” Micah asked softly, interrupting my thoughts.

  “I think it’s safe to say that we’re all shit right now,” Josh murmured. “I don’t think it helps that we have all these people in our house. If you want baked ziti, I think we have enough to last us a few months.” Josh let out a sigh. “Mom is in shock. I think we all are. We’re all waiting for him to come home. Like it’s some big joke.”

  Micah’s eyes drifted back to me. I felt as though my entire world was over. I had spent years listening to my dad tell me stories about his life, about things he enjoyed, about how to live my best life as an adult. He had never told me how horrible and traumatizing losing him would be. He had sometimes joked that we’d never miss him if something were to happen to him.

  Do you see how wrong you are, Dad?

  What if I forgot what he sounded like? What if I forgot his stories? I’d never be able to ask him to tell them again. I’d never be able to know…. There would be things that would forever die with him.

  My chest tightened as my thoughts overwhelmed me. Micah didn’t say anything; there was nothing to be said. There was nothing he could do to change it.

  “What can I do? What can I do to help you?”

  Josh shrugged. “You know, man, I don’t even know. There’s a cluster of aunts and grandparents in the kitchen handling the feeding part. People keep coming and going. We kinda have a big family.”

  “I’m sorry that I have to meet them under these circumstances.” Micah’s fingers traced over my palm gently. “When are the services?”

  “There’s a viewing tomorrow morning. Kind of short. The funeral director actually gave us a limit on how many guests we could have. It’s only for family.”

 
Micah nodded with understanding. But I wanted him to come with me. I needed him to come with me.

  “The funeral will take place the next day. We’re cremating the body so…they just need enough time to…”

  “You don’t have to be so cryptic,” I said, wiping my tears with the back of my hand. “And it’s not just a ‘body,’ it’s Dad!” I had lost count of the number of times someone had referred to my dad now as ‘a body.’ He was still my dad. He was still the guy who made the best crepes in the morning. Who laughed at all of my lame jokes. Who fixed cars and made projects in his workshop. Why did they have to call him ‘a body’ just because he had died?

  My chin trembled. Micah sat down on the side of the bed and pulled me to his chest. I just wanted all of this to be over. I wanted the pain to either eat me alive or just leave me to die. I wanted a resolution. I didn’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life. But I knew that I always would. There was no reversing this loss. Dad would never come home, no matter how much I wanted him to.

  “Jackie is coming over, so…” Josh nodded at us. Quietly, he shut my bedroom door behind him.