The Songs We Remember: A Young Adult Romance (The Songs in Our Hearts Book 2)

by Chantal Gadoury

  Coming home after school meant helping Josh with the log pile in the backyard and putting dishes away. It meant thinking about what to help my mom cook for dinner. It meant trying to find a piece of the life that had once been, to fit into the life that we all were living now.

  Nights seemed to be the worst, the time when all of us were in our rooms, holding our breaths, waiting to hear his footsteps come through the door. But they never came. He never came home.

  The mindlessness of school and friends and groups were no longer important to me. I could barely stand to listen to the banter at the lunch table. I hated everything and everyone. And in response, everyone gave me space. I had seemingly become someone no one knew how to talk to anymore. I had become tainted with the death of my dad.

  One day after school, I hadn’t even realized Micah wasn’t on the bus with me until I saw him standing in my driveway. He smiled as the bus pulled away and extended a bouquet of colorful flowers out to me. They looked really fancy. Almost like the flowers that had been in our house for weeks after the funeral. I drifted my gaze back to Micah.

  “What’s the occasion?” I asked as I slowly approached him. He shrugged as he adjusted the zipper on his heavy winter jacket. It was cold. A chill ran down my spine as an icy breeze blew between us.

  “I just wanted to do something nice for you. A guy can do that once in a while, right?”

  Oh. I bit my bottom lip and gazed down at the variety of flowers. They were blooming and beautiful.

  “They’re really pretty,” I commented and tilted my head, gesturing for him to come inside.

  “Actually, do you want to go on a drive? I was thinking that maybe getting you out of the house might be a good thing. Just to get some fresh air. A change of scenery.”

  “Where were you thinking of going?” I asked. I didn’t like to be away from my mom and Josh for long periods of time. The idea of having fun while they were miserable sent ripples of guilt through me.

  “The Mini-Mart, for starters,” Micah said with a hesitant smile. “Then, I thought we could go up to the lookout. It’s a really pretty day for it.” The sun was only just beginning to descend, changing into a soft twilit night. If we went soon, we would be able to watch the sunset. Micah raised his eyebrows curiously.

  “Does that sound all right? I’ll have you back in time for bed.”

  I nodded, trying to conceal my uncertainty.

  “Let me put the flowers in some water and I’ll be right out,” I replied. Micah nodded and took a step inside as I walked to the kitchen. Finding a vase wasn’t hard; we had far too many of them now. I avoided any of the ones I recognized from the viewing and funeral. I wanted these to just be mine. To be something that I could look at and think of Micah instead…of everything else.

  After taking care of the flowers, I went back to my bedroom and slipped a sweatshirt on. I knew it would be chilly outside. I tied my hair into a low pony tail to keep it out of my face. Moments later, I met Micah by the front door.

  “Ready?”

  “I guess,” I said with a sigh. As ready as I could be. At the last minute, I grabbed one of my dad’s jackets from his workshop, then followed Micah out to his car. I slipped into the passenger side and buckled in. Even being in the familiar space felt odd, foreign. The normal Charlie—the pizza-loving, witty, happy girl he had fallen in love with—belonged here beside him. Not me.

  “I’m glad you agreed to come along,” he said as he reached to touch my knee with his warm hand. I stared at that hand with empty eyes. I swallowed and responded with a silent nod. Micah seemed to accept my silence and started the car. He backed out of the driveway and pulled his hand away from me. Did he feel the difference too?

  “Want some music?” He flicked on his stereo. None of my family had turned on the radio in weeks. If we were driving, we drove in silence. I tried to tune out Micah’s music until we pulled into the Mini-Mart. He left the car running to keep it warm as he rushed in to grab a ‘surprise.’ The twinkling of piano keys filled the car just as Micah returned.

  “Grabbed you a cherry Coke,” he said with a gentle smile and flopped the bag of snacks near my feet. “I thought we could have some munchies as we watch the sunset.” I absentmindedly nodded as I stared at his stereo. Micah pulled out of the parking lot and drove out toward the mountain range just outside of Grand Lakes.

  “Is…is this that song from the Furious 7 movie?” I asked, glancing at Micah. Micah turned up the music and nodded.

  “Hmmm…yeah, I think it is. It’s a good song.”

  I listened to the lyrics, paying special attention to how it made me feel. The singer sang about remembering a lost friend, and telling the lost friend about all the things that were important to them when they saw them again. I’ll have to wait to tell my dad everything that’s happened to me since he died. I’ll have to wait till the end of my life. That’s when I’ll see him again.

  “I don't want to listen to your stupid music,” I snapped, leaning forward to turn off the stereo.

  It was too much. I did everything I could to keep from crying. Not here. Not in front of him. Not again. I crossed my arms and turned to face the window. I suddenly didn’t want to be in his car. I didn’t want to be here at all. I wanted to close my eyes and have the world go back to the way it had been, the way it should have remained. My heart was aching; it felt so tightly wound up in my chest.

  Neither one of us spoke as Micah drove. I did my best to swallow back my rising emotions and focus on the trees—the dead, silent trees.

  What was my dad doing now? Was he thinking of us? Was he watching me? Did he see me in Micah’s car from above? Why did God do this to us? If God is so good, why did he do this to my family? A million questions raced through my mind.

  I heard Micah suck in a breath, as if he was about to say something, but decided against it. I wondered what he was thinking. I wondered if he regretted meeting me in the Grand Lakes Library and telling me that he liked me. If he had known this was going to happen, would he have still chosen to be here with me? I wouldn’t want to be here. I wouldn’t want to deal with me.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered as I looked down at my lap.

  “It’s fine,” Micah said. But his voice said everything but. It wasn’t fine. He was trying to help. Everything that he was doing was to help me. The flowers, the car ride, the snacks. They were all part of a plan to help me focus on something else other than the pain. Why couldn’t I see that?

  “It’s not,” I replied. Micah flicked his gaze to me for a moment and shook his head.

  “It really is. It’s okay. I understand.”

  We sat quietly as Micah drove up to the lookout. When he finally parked the car, facing back out over the valley, I was shocked to find the landscape so beautiful. I had been here at different parts of the year, but never in the winter. Never when the area was completely covered in a majestic layer of white. Micah left the engine running, to keep the heaters blowing at our feet. He grabbed the plastic bag at my legs and opened it to reveal a selection of snacks: gummy bears, potato chips, chocolate bars.

  “Were you planning a getaway?”

  “If need be,” he said with a smile. “Have to keep you on your toes, you know.”

  “Right,” I said with a snort as I grabbed the bag of gummies. Micah sat back in his seat as he opened a bag of Middleswarth BBQ chips. He crunched as we gazed out the windshield. Twilight had fallen with its hazy purples, blues, and greys.

  “Thank you for bringing me here,” I said softly. I pushed a gummy bear into my mouth and chewed. Micah slipped a potato chip between his teeth and nodded.

  “I thought you might like it,” he replied.

  It was strange to have no music playing between us. Even more so in a moment like this. But I didn’t have the heart to turn the stereo back on. I didn’t want to take the chance in hearing something else th
at might upset me. Instead, I slid my arm around Micah’s and leaned my cheek against his shoulder. Micah pressed a small kiss against my temples.

  “I love you, Charlie,” he said. “I just want to help.”

  “I know,” I confessed. “I love you too.”

  “Want me to take you home now?”

  I tilted my chin up a little to look at him and shook my head. “Just a few more minutes. I’d like to have a few more minutes with you.”

  “As you wish,” he said, smirking. Micah pointed at the sky through the windshield. “Do you see that?”

  I noticed a crowd of clouds forming into what appeared to look like a heart.

  “I’ll bet you anything that’s your dad,” Micah said. “A little message from heaven.”

  “A heart,” I said, realizing how defined the silhouette had become. It was a beautifully shaped heart.

  Dad? Is that you?

  Micah looked at me and nodded. “That’s clearly for you. I think your dad is sending you a message. He’s not gone. Not really.”

  I dug out my phone quickly from my pocket and snapped a photo. This was a moment, a cherished moment, that would have to last me a lifetime.

  I love you, Dad.

  “YOU SHOULD COME WITH US,” Rachel said over the lunch table. “A bunch of us are planning to go to the roller skating rink tonight to celebrate Valentine’s Day.” She looked to Micah for a moment before she continued. “Do you think you both would like to go?”

  Micah and I hadn’t planned anything special for Valentine’s Day. We’d exchanged cards and Micah brought a few flowers to school for me. We decided to keep it simple. My focus had really been on my mom earlier that morning. My attempt to bake Micah a few cookies had gone badly. Miraculously, he still ate them—and didn’t die.

  Jennifer was the first to pipe in. “Totally, count me in.”

  Rachel smiled. “I figured you’d say yes, Jen.”

  I felt tongue-tied and pressured. I didn’t really feel like going out. I didn’t want to have to go interact with any of them, all at once. Not yet.

  “Come on, Charlie, say yes!” Jennifer said. “It’ll be so much fun. Remember the last time we all went skating?”

  How could any of us forget? We’d been freshmen, skating on the main floor during an open-skate night. We had planned to go during the same time as a few of the hunky seniors. We were all completely obsessed with our basketball-playing, senior crushes: Tobey Grey, Darien Whitmoyer, and Chad Levy. Darien was mine. Jennifer had tripped, which had caused me to trip, and ultimately knock into Darien. I was horrified to find that my jeans had torn right up the inside of my inner thigh. I was never able to look Darien in the eye again. Not that I ever had the chance to.

  “Don’t trip,” I warned her. Micah looked curiously between the three of us.

  “I feel like I’m missing out on some great story.”

  “Later,” Jennifer said with a wink in his direction.

  “Jennifer,” I squealed. Micah chuckled.

  “Come on, Charlie!” Rachel continued. “Please say yes. I know David would love to see you there. I’d love to see you there.”

  “Are you inviting my brother?” I asked. If Josh was going, I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to leave my mom all alone in the house. Not now. It was too soon.

  “I’m pretty sure David already did and Josh passed.”

  I tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. Had Josh known that she would ask me? More than likely, he had. With a sigh, I nodded.

  “All right, I’ll go.”

  “Really? Yes!” Jennifer said excitedly and lifted her hand for a high five. I hesitantly touched my palm to hers and bit the inside of my cheek.

  “What time should we be there?” Micah asked as he slipped his hand onto my knee. In his gentle squeeze, I felt the reassurance that I wouldn’t be alone. What would I do without him?

  “I’d say be there by six thirty, at the latest,” Rachel replied.

  Micah nodded and grinned. “We’ll be there, then.”

  I REGRETTED AGREEING TO GO the moment I slipped on my roller skates that evening. It had been a few years since I last skated and the clunky wheels were ultimately going to result in me falling on the floor. Micah was the first to get his skates on and skated around me impatiently.

  “Come on, C! You ready?”

  I feigned a smile and pulled my hair over shoulder. “I’m going, I’m going!”

  “Do you need some help with those laces?”

  “What I need you to do is chill.” I found myself laughing. Laughing. It was such an odd feeling. I shouldn’t be laughing. I shouldn’t feel happy at all. My father was dead. I swallowed the thought and focused on tying up the last of my laces. Finally, I pushed myself up from my seat.

  “I know I’m just going to fall.”

  “That’s the fun of it, C. You fall and you get up. Just like life.” The thought chewed at my mind as Micah extended a hand to me. “I promise I won’t laugh if you fall, if that makes you feel better.”

  “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

  “One would hope,” he teased. “Come on. You can trust me.” Micah wiggled his fingers as he waited for me to take his hand. I took it and glided on my skates to the wooden floor.

  “It’s just like riding a bike. You never forget how to do it,” he said over his shoulder.

  “It’s not true,” I muttered. “Skating and biking are two different things.”

  “How about you tell me about those differences on the skating floor,” he teased.

  Micah stopped just outside one of the side entrances to the skating rink. The main lights over the floor were slightly dimmed, while colorful strobe lights flashed across the floor boards. The walls were decorated with pink and red hearts, keeping to the Valentine’s theme. There was a loud selection of music playing overhead, and skaters were swaying to the beat. Micah took my hand and pulled me out onto the rink. I saw Rachel and Jennifer right away as they waved from the other end. David was skating closely behind, weaving his skates into tight circles.

  “You came!” Jennifer squealed as she rolled up behind Micah and me. I clung to Micah and braced a hand on the wall.

  “I told you I was coming,” I replied curtly. I couldn’t focus on keeping myself upright and having a full conversation at the same time.

  “Well, we still weren’t sure, but I’m super glad you did!” Jennifer replied. Rachel and David paused beside me. David gave a small nod to Micah.

  “I haven’t done this in years.” I sighed.

  David smirked and slid a hand through his dark, disheveled hair. “I already fell flat on my butt earlier,” he confessed with a laugh.

  Rachel giggled. “It was pretty hilarious.”

  “So, I already took one for the team,” David added.

  “Great,” I said with a small grin. “Thanks.”

  Rachel tugged on David’s hand as another song began to play. “Come on,” she said. “Let’s keep going!”

  “You got this?” David asked me, gesturing back down to my skates. I replied with a nod.

  “Don’t worry about me. I have Micah if I fall.” Which was true in more ways than one. David seemed appeased by my response and skated after Rachel. Jennifer eyed me with a raised eyebrow as I pushed myself along.

  “Do we need to take you to the kiddie rink?”

  “Buzz off,” I said. “I’m just trying to remember how to do this.”

  Jennifer shrugged and skated off behind Rachel and David. I almost felt bad. But the moment was short-lived when I heard Jennifer and Rachel giggling with each other on the other side of the rink. It was like I didn’t fit in with them anymore. I didn’t fit in anywhere. I was becoming more and more frustrated when my feet and skates weren’t working as well as I had hoped. Was I this big of a failure? I started
to swallow back my tears when I felt Micah’s hand move from my wrist to my waist. He stopped me near one of the exits to the carpeted floor.

  “If you don’t want to do this, it’s totally okay.”

  “No.” I shook my head. “I want to do this.”

  “If you want to leave, let me know…okay?”

  “Right.”

  Micah held my hand more firmly and guided me back into the crowd. After having to regain my balance a few times, my feet seemed to finally remember how to skate. I became a little more confident as I pulled my hand out of Micah’s and tried to skate ahead of him. After making a few circles on the skating floor, a voice came over the loudspeaker for an announcement.

  “The next skate is a couple’s skate. Only couples on the floor! Please exit the rink if you do not have a partner. Couples can only be two people for this skate,” the woman explained enthusiastically, and started a new song. “Unsteady” by X-Ambassadors filled the rink with its soft rhythm. Micah squeezed my hand as we rolled across the floor. The lyrics struck me in a way that felt personal…too personal. The man sang about needing to be held and feeling lost. Like mine, his house was no longer a home. In everything around him, he too was unsteady.

  Micah glided us by other couples. I noticed Rachel waving at us as she and David rounded a corner.

  “Are you having fun?” Micah asked me.

  I shrugged as I adjusted my hold on his hand. The lyrics of the song were causing my stomach to twist with sorrow.

  “It’s kinda fun.” Yet I couldn’t shake off how misplaced I felt. Why couldn’t I just let go and have fun?

  Because you don’t deserve to laugh. Your dad is dead and you should just be sad. You shouldn’t be laughing. I bit the inside of my cheek again, dashing my gaze away from Micah. I wasn’t going to admit how I truly felt. I didn’t know how. I also knew Micah wouldn’t understand. He would have insisted that my dad would want me to have fun.

  “I’m glad I came though,” I lied.

  “Yeah?” I could tell by the way Micah responded, he wasn’t buying my fib.