All The Little Moments

by G. Benson

  Everything was happening faster than Anna could process. “Can’t they stay with my parents?”

  With a shake of her head, Lorna, “Maybe, but there will be a hearing next week for temporary guardianship until the guardianship hearing. The kids will be in foster care until then.”

  “Foster care?” She didn’t yell, not wanting to unsettle Toby, who had already started to cling to her. Instead she hissed, which was probably worse.

  “It’s a great family, and hopefully things will be sorted out next week at the hearing. We’ll know the day on Monday. Call your lawyer in the morning.”

  Nausea swept over her, and Anna thought she was going to throw up. She held Toby harder, eyes flickering to the police officer behind Lorna. “Lawyer?”

  “That’s right. They can answer your questions. I’ll be at the hearing, giving my input. The person who put in the allegations will be as well.”

  “Court?” She didn’t want the kids dragged through the court system, dragged out of their home to be dumped in foster care. They’d just lost their parents. They didn’t need this.

  “It won’t be like on TV. Just a judge, a table, the lawyers. And of course, the caseworkers and child protective services. We will look into these claims then, and see where that takes us.”

  Anna was breathing too fast. “You’re going to take them into foster care? From their home? From me?”

  “You know the system. The allegation was made. We have to investigate it and do what’s best for the kids.”

  “What’s best for them is being with me. In their home.”

  Hesitating, Lorna didn’t say anything. Anna had to wonder if she wanted to agree.

  “What were the allegations?”

  Silent for a moment, Lorna finally said, “Neglect. Leaving the kids continuously. There was mention of,” she hesitated, eyes going to Toby, then back to Anna, “a continuous parade of sexual partners. Among other things.”

  “I thought these things are investigated before something drastic is done.”

  Lorna hesitated again. “Some things are out of my hands.”

  “Aunty Na?”

  Heart pounding, Anna whipped around to see Lane standing pale faced and wide eyed a few metres behind her. Ella and Kym stood in the doorway leading to the kitchen. Anna swallowed past the bile rising in her throat. “Ella Bella.”

  “What’s going on?” Ella looked behind Anna. “Why’s there a pleeseman here?”

  Anna tried to look reassuring, but she didn’t think it worked. She didn’t know what to say.

  “Hey, Ella, remember me?”

  Nodding silently at Lorna, Ella stared at them as she clung to Kym’s side.

  “Well, we’re gonna take you somewhere else to stay for a few nights.”

  “What? Why?”

  “We have to sort some adult stuff out. So you need to sleep at a really nice older couple’s house for a little while. With Toby. It’ll be like a sleepover.”

  “No.” Ella sounded incredibly confused. A panicked look was in her eye, out of place on a six-year-old. She looked up to Anna. “Don’t you want us, Aunty Na?”

  Anna nodded her head vehemently. “Of course I do, Ella.” All she could see was the colour rising in Ella’s face, the look of panic starting to take her over.

  “I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t know them.” The hysterical edge to Ella’s voice spurred Anna into finally moving.

  As soon as she knelt, Ella flew into her outstretched arm; she still clutched Toby with the other. Fingers dug into Anna’s back and the next five minutes passed in a blur.

  Lane went upstairs and packed Ella a bag, Anna reminding her with a shaky voice to pack the panda bear. Kym did Toby’s, and far too quickly, both women were at the bottom of the stairs, holding the two bags.

  Ella clung to Anna the entire time; her fingers were going to leave bruises. Impressions that would haunt Anna for days. Anna tried to reassure her, but Ella wasn’t listening. Her cheeks were red and her little jaw was clenched as she looked from Lorna to Anna and to the policeman in the background.

  Apparently, he was there to make sure it went smoothly.

  Repeatedly, Anna told Ella it would be okay, that she’d sort it out.

  Choking on a silent sob, Ella didn’t say a word.

  Kym and Lane handed the bags over to the policeman, who took them quietly outside.

  Following Lorna to a car in the driveway, Anna didn’t let go of Ella’s hand, Toby quiet on her hip. When Lorna opened the car door, Ella flung herself at Anna, finally breaking. Hysterical sobs heaved out of her little chest. Anna held her close and rubbed her back. She tried to hold her so tightly that Ella would know Anna didn’t want to let her go.

  Eventually, Lorna tugged gently on Ella, and her sobs turned into a wail. “No, no, no!”

  Finally, Lorna managed to break Ella away.

  Anna swallowed as she watched Ella be put in the back of the car, watched Lorna buckle her in. Ella, always well behaved, sat still in her seat even while racked with sobs. With a slam, the door shut and Ella turned, putting her hand against the glass, tear-streaked face visible even in the dark.

  “Aunty Na!”

  Trying to smile comfortingly, Anna raised a shaking hand to wave. When Lorna held her arms out for Toby, Anna just couldn’t hand him over.

  “Anna. Please.”

  This just made Anna hold him tighter against herself, arm across his tiny back. Anna noticed distantly that her entire body was shaking. With Lorna staring at her, with the policeman’s eyes boring in to her, Anna finally stepped forward and tried to lift Toby off herself to hand him to Lorna—but Toby had realised what was happening. He started to cry. He clung on with more strength than Anna knew such a tiny human could. Lorna finally reached forward and took him, pulling him off her. His fingernails scratched her neck as he tried to hold on and he started to scream, kicking his legs and thrashing.

  “Na! Na!”

  Anna wanted to open her mouth, to reassure him, but it felt like all her words had vanished. Arms partially raised, she stood as if Toby were still in them, and watched Lorna expertly wrangle him into the car seat in the back. The door shut with a bang, and all Anna could hear was Toby screaming. Ella had her legs pulled up on the seat and her head pressed against her knees, hands over her ears as if she could block out the world.

  Lorna stood at the driver’s door; the policeman had faded into the background, gone wherever he had come from. “Call your lawyer, Anna. We’ll get this sorted out.”

  She nodded numbly.

  “They’ll be well looked after.”

  She finally managed to ask a question. “When can I see them?”

  “Call the office Monday.”

  Then Lorna was starting the car, and Anna could hear Toby’s cries even as she reversed out of the driveway. She watched the car go down the street, saw Ella kneel up on the seat and look out the back window, hand pressed to the glass in the exact same way in which she’d wait for Anna to pick her up after work.

  And then they were gone.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  It felt a little bit like being unable to breathe. Like someone had sucked all the air out of the place, which was impossible because Anna was standing outside.

  How had that just happened?

  She spun slowly on her heel.

  Kym stood at the bottom of the stairs that led to the house, hand raised as if to stop Lorna driving off. Lane was a step in front of Kym, one foot forward and one foot back, as if fighting with herself on whether or not to walk to Anna.

  Both were pale and wide-eyed with shock; Anna imagined she didn’t look any better.

  She felt herself shutting down. It was like she’d just been told her brother was dead all over again. Licking her lips, she opened her mouth to say something, looking from Kym to L
ane. She closed her mouth. She had no idea what to say.

  “Anna.” Lane’s voice was hoarse. “We’ll figure this out.”

  She’d heard those words before. She may have said them. That felt like years ago.

  Lane stepped forward and Anna mirrored it with a step backwards, giving a small shake of her head, lips pursed. Lane stopped, looking unsure and helpless.

  Anna realised she was picking at her nail with her thumb and dropped her hands quickly. It wasn’t a good habit.

  “It’s a load of shit,” Kym said. “There’s no way this will hold up in any kind of court.”

  Keeping her gaze forward, Anna gave a sharp nod of agreement as she walked past a silent Lane and Kym, up the stairs, and into the house.

  There was a rushing sound in Anna’s ears as the hairs on her arms stood up. Walking into the kitchen, she paused in the doorway for a split second to take in the plates on the table, food probably cold by now. Toby’s high chair had his little plastic Batman plate on it, his food cut into pieces the perfect size for grabbing—something Anna had only known to do because she remembered Sally doing it.

  Ella’s place was set with a Jasmine plate—her favourite Disney princess because she liked adventure like Ella did. There was no tomato on her plate, because Ella hated the way it felt in her mouth.

  Would the foster carers know to do that? Would Ella have enough confidence to ask? Or after those hysterical sobs…would she do what she’d done the first weeks after her parents died and just retreat into herself and not talk?

  Toby would be so confused, and he’d only just started to relax.

  Biting her lip, Anna approached the table and started grabbing at whatever was in reach, stacking full plates on top of each other, spilling food and not caring. She took a load to the sink and dumped it in, heard a crack, then walked back to the table to grab what was left. Kym and Lane hovered in the doorway, watching her. Kym’s hand was on Lane’s forearm as if to stop her from moving forward. After a quick glance, Anna ignored them.

  She dumped the second lot in the sink and started running water, scraping the plates into the garbage. As she turned to place some of the plates on the bench before going to grab more from the sink, she caught sight of the brightly coloured book, pushed to the side to be read later in the evening.

  Suddenly, Anna could barely see through the rage that overtook her. Cheeks flushed, she turned the tap off forcefully and reached over to snatch the children’s Bible. She held it in front of her, eyes darting over the cover, taking in the colourful ark on the front. Animals peeked out from all kinds of portholes, big cartoon smiles on their faces.

  Anna’s knuckles were white. Why was the book shaking?

  She had absolutely no doubt in her mind who had done this. Those kids had been through hell. They had been through hell and had just started to come out the other side. That scene in the backyard at Sandra’s, with the kids playing, relaxed, getting covered in dirt, the squeal of laughter from Ella—that had taken a long, long time to happen. Anna had worked her ass off to make sure they felt as secure and happy as they possibly could, given the circumstances. She wanted them to get through this somewhat intact; Ella, who was old enough to forever remember what she missed, and Toby, who would grow up not knowing if his memories were images he made up in his head from stories he was told, or if they were genuine wisps of the real thing.

  Anna didn’t know which was sadder.

  No, they weren’t who they had been before it had happened. But they’d made progress. Agonising but noticeable progress.

  And now Sally’s fucking mother had them torn out of their home. The only thing that had remained stable since their parents died were the beds they woke up in, the kitchen they ate in, the bath filled with their favourite water toys. And, Anna could admit now, they had her. Every morning and every evening, they had her.

  The book was still shaking in her hands.

  Anna put it on the bench and rested her hand on the cover for a minute, barely seeing it.

  Ella had asked her if she didn’t want them anymore.

  She opened to a random page, the images a blur. She grabbed the page and tore it out, ripping it up, pieces falling around her. When she was left with nothing in her grasp, she did it with another handful of pages, and another. Paper confetti littered the bench around her. She didn’t stop until strong hands wrapped around her biceps, firmly gripping her. Anna’s flurry of movement stopped, and she realised she was breathing hard. With her fingers clenching to the edge of the bench, she felt like she was hovering on the edge of a cliff and, any moment, would fall over it. She closed her eyes for a minute, bringing herself back to the kitchen. To the pounding of her heart. To the sound of her heavy breathing. She felt Kym’s eyes on her in the doorway. She felt her fingertips biting into the bench, into the curve of the edge under her palm. It was Lane’s fingers that held her arms, her chest nearly pressed to Anna’s back.

  Anna turned slowly in her girlfriend’s grip.

  When Anna spun, Lane gently gripped her, Anna’s hands pressed between them. The other hand stayed on the bench behind her, gripping hard on the stone. She tried to slow her breathing down as her trembling fingers tightened on Lane’s shirt. Anna could feel Lane’s heart racing even under the material.

  “They’re gone.”

  Lane had tears in her eyes. “I know, sweetie.”

  “Their parents died only months ago, and now they’re gone.”

  Lane nodded. “I know.”

  “Sally’s mother is going to try and take them.”

  “She won’t.”

  “What if she does?”

  “She won’t.”

  Anna felt like there was no air again. “He trusted me. Jake…and Sally. They trusted their children with me and now they’re in a foster home.” Anna wanted to punch something. “A foster home, Lane.”

  Lane pulled Anna forward and into her arms. She wanted to resist, but, when Lane’s arms wrapped around her, she felt herself melt into the embrace, hand trapped between them. Her fingers finally released the hard bench to grip Lane’s back.

  “I know, Anna.”

  She pressed her forehead against Lane’s shoulder.

  Lorna had said she could call the office Monday. Tomorrow was Sunday. That meant it would most likely be almost forty-eight hours until Anna would see them, or even know they were okay. That’s even if they let her see them. She was being investigated. From her small knowledge on these things, she knew she might not be able to see them until the hearing later in the week.

  It was a nightmare.

  Anna finally stepped away from Lane, looking around at the mess in the kitchen, the ripped paper on the floor, the plates in the sink, on the bench, one of them broken from being dropped too hard. Her eyes moved to Kym, who leant against the doorframe, biting her lip.

  “Sorry. About the display.”

  “When Simon died, I broke every plate we had chosen together.” Kym gave a small smile. “Then I spent the next two days gluing them back together.”

  The image of Kym doing that wrenched at Anna’s chest. She stepped out of Lane’s arms and walked around to the table, and sat down, resting her elbows on the edge, her head falling into her hands. She heard chairs push back as Lane and Kym took seats as well.

  “Right,” Kym spoke first. “Well, this is bullshit and it will get fixed. We’ll fix it. We’ll call your lawyer in the morning, Anna. He’ll know more. And he’ll have access to the legal information, the complaints this bitch has put forward.”

  Anna nodded into her hands.

  As if motivated by a plan, Lane added, “And we’ll ask him which lawyer we need to contact.”

  “Yeah. I suppose the lawyer we used was more looking after Jake and Sally’s will. We’ll need a lawyer who actually works in this kind of family law.”

  Warmth spread
over Anna’s knee as Lane rest her hand there, squeezing comfortingly. “We’ll find someone. My dad has a few lawyer friends.”

  “And Lane and I can testify to the fact that you in no way neglect those kids.”

  With a nod, Lane squeezed her knee again. “That’s right. And there are so many others who will, as well. Everyone knows you do nothing but the best for them.”

  When she spoke, Anna’s voice was hoarse. “I need to call Hayley.” She didn’t look up until she felt Lane’s hand twitch on her knee—though to Lane’s credit her expression didn’t change. “It’s a Sunday tomorrow, so getting a clear answer from anyone is going to be impossible. She will at least have some information, maybe make me feel better about my position in all this.”

  “Good idea.” Lane’s voice was steady.

  Anna put her head back in her hands. An ache had started to pound behind her eyes.

  “Toby needs a bottle of milk to settle before sleep. Do you think they’ll know that?”

  The silence amongst them was palpable; Lane tightened her grip on Anna’s knee.

  “And Ella was promised two stories tonight. She was first in a writing competition at school. She was really excited she got to choose dinner.” Her voice cracked at the last word. “This isn’t fair. On them.”

  “It’s not. Or on you.”

  Anna loved Kym for that.

  They eventually moved to the living room, putting on something to try and distract themselves. When that movie finished, they put on another, and, by about halfway through, all were asleep.

  Anna woke up as the credits were rolling, looking to the right to see Kym curled in a ball in the corner of the giant couch. On her left, Lane was slouched down, chin on her chest, fast asleep.

  Normally, Ella would be curled into one of them, or somehow over all three, fast asleep and probably kicking Anna in the stomach.

  Easing Lane’s hand off her thigh and onto the couch gently, Anna clenched her jaw and stood quietly. She made her way up the stairs and hovered outside Toby’s room. The sight of the empty cot in the middle of the night had her feeling ill. She flicked the light off and walked to Ella’s room, a mess from her rushing around to get ready after her shower. Anna walked in and picked up the damp towel, hanging it over the end of the bed. Two piles of books sat on Ella’s bed. Undoubtedly, she had been trying to sort out the good stories from the bad to try and figure out which one to get Kym to read to her. Anna was sure all of the books there were the longest ones in her collection.