All The Little Moments

by G. Benson

  There was a finger painting Toby had done in day care on her wall, next to a drawing Ella had made. Toby’s painting was all red, his current favourite colour. Ella had drawn a splotchy drawing of her panda teddy. The tree in the picture had pink leaves, because, “Why not, Aunty Na?”

  Watching the door, Anna waited.

  It didn’t take long. Lane entered the office, concern on her face.

  Anna straightened. She wanted to smile. Lane looked so familiar, so worried about her as she closed the door behind her. Despite wanting to meet her, Anna forced herself to take a step back. Lane paused when she saw the motion, eyebrows knitting together.

  “Anna? What’s happened? Did you see the lawyer?”

  Anna kept her arms crossed in front of her. She cleared her throat. “I did. He’s really hopeful that I’ll get them back.”

  Lane looked relieved. “Thank God. Did you get news of them?”

  “I did. They’re okay, apparently. I still don’t know if I’ll get to see them tomorrow.”

  “Hopefully you can. You’ll feel so much better if you can see them with your own eyes.”

  Anna couldn’t quite make eye contact with Lane. Her stomach was churning, and Anna didn’t want to do what she was about to. Her fingers clenched, nails biting into her skin.

  Lane looked at her for a second. “Anna? What is it?”

  Anna needed to say it, but she was having a lot of trouble doing so. She swallowed and finally looked Lane in the eye, jaw set, trying to get herself together.

  Eyes darkening, Lane shook her head, her cheeks flushing. “Anna.” Her voice was low. “No.”

  “Lane—”

  “No. Don’t do this.”

  “Lane. I’m sorry.” Anna clenched her jaw. “I need to get them back.”

  “You will. You will!” Lane was almost wild eyed. “Anna, you said the lawyer thought it sounded good.”

  “He did.” She licked her lips, which were suddenly dry. “But, what about later? The other hearing? I… What about if I do get them back?”

  “Then that’s a good thing.”

  “But then, the other hearing. Proving I should have them.”

  “What?”

  There were no words to explain it. She could barely explain it to herself. “I think this was too soon, for the kids. For me, with the kids. I need to focus, on them.”

  Mouth open, as if she couldn’t believe what she was hearing, Lane shook her head again.

  “Lane...I think—”

  “You can’t even say it,” Lane flared.

  With a deep breath, Anna closed her eyes and took another. Before she wasn’t able to say it, she let the words spill quickly. “I think we need to stop seeing each other.”

  Opening her eyes, Anna wished she hadn’t. Lane’s lips were pursed, tears tracked down her cheeks unchecked. “Anna...” She whispered it, her voice cracking over the word.

  How had she managed to say it? “Lane…you, you are so amazing. But I just—with the kids, I’m so confused...”

  Lane shook her head. “No. No. Don’t do that, Anna. Don’t tell me I’m amazing after ending this.”

  “The kids.”

  Lane shut her mouth.

  Both were at a loss, with no idea how to fix it.

  Anna’s phone buzzed on the wood of her desk, and they both glanced to it. Anna picked it up. Kym.

  Red or white? Hell, I’ll bring both. See you at six.

  Clenching her jaw, Anna looked back to Lane.

  “Do you mean this, Anna?”

  Anna, despite herself, said, “I do.” She swallowed hard. “I have to get them back. I have to focus, on that.”

  Swiping angrily at her cheeks, Lane nodded. “Then you need to walk out of here, because I can’t walk away from you.”

  The order was almost too much. Anna’s urge to close the gap between them and kiss Lane waged war with her stubborn thought that this was what was best. With sheer determination, she grabbed her phone, slid it into her pocket, pulled her bag onto her shoulder and walked forward. When she was next to Lane, shoulders touching, facing opposite ways, Anna paused. Lane’s scent washed over her, and her eyes closed briefly as she selfishly enjoyed it. She turned her head to look at her in profile.

  “Lane.” Her voice was a whisper.

  Lane turned her head, and Anna almost didn’t leave as she took in the utterly broken look on her face. Anna’s voice cracked. “I am so, so sorry.”

  The tears on Lane’s cheeks belied her single, perfunctory nod. Anna finally broke eye contact, finger barely stroking the back of Lane’s hand before she stepped forward, pulled open the door and walked out. She let a slow breath out from between her lips as she let the door shut behind her, walking away from the sob she heard come from the other side.

  Her fingers shook, and she gave up trying to do up the buttons on her jacket.

  It wasn’t until she reached her car that the sob in her own throat burst out. In the empty car park, hand on her door handle, she squatted slowly to her knees, forehead falling against the cool metal.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  “Okay. So. Recap, Anna. The lawyer’s went as well as it could; you still don’t know for sure, but he’s optimistic.” At Anna’s nod, Kym continued, leaning back on the couch and lifting her feet up onto the coffee table. “The kids are okay, we had that confirmed today. You will find out tomorrow if you can see them, but for now, they’re okay.”

  Anna nodded again, staring at the empty wine bottle next to Kym’s feet.

  “Hayley was pleasant on the phone, but nothing happened to stress you out.”

  Another nod.

  “And we’ve finished a bottle of wine, and you have just finished telling me this.”

  Anna nodded a third time, this time taking a sip of her wine.

  “Right. So what the fuck?”

  Surprised out of her stare, Anna blinked owlishly at Kym. “What?”

  “Exactly—what? Things are shit, they’re really, really shit, and they took the kids. I’m not disputing that at all. But why do you look ten times more messed up than this morning? Not that that’s not okay, you can lose your shit. But I thought the stunt with the book last night was you doing that.”

  “It was.”

  “All right. So why? Why the red eyes when you opened the door? Why did I have to prod you to talk? Why are you clutching your wine glass like a lifeline? And why do you smell like cigarettes?” Kym sat back up. “And where is Lane? All she did all morning was ask me if I thought it was a good idea if she messaged you, and if I thought you were okay, and did I think she could fake the Ebola virus to get out of work? So—what happened?”

  Swallowing, Anna finally said it: “I-I, uh, broke up with Lane.”

  Kym’s mouth fell open slightly, and she stared at Anna, who simply looked back. Her mouth closed, then opened again. Finally she spoke. “You what?”

  Anna didn’t want to repeat it. Tears were pricking her eyes, and she really didn’t want to lose it again. She looked back to the wine bottle.

  “Okay.” The word dragged out, as if Kym wasn’t sure where to go with that information. “Okay.” She approached the next question like she would approach a wild bear. “Do you mind me asking why?”

  The wine glass trembled in Anna’s hand and she tried to avoid Kym’s wide, sympathetic eyes. She heard the rustling of Kym leaning forward, then felt a hand resting on her forearm.

  “I have to get those kids back.” Anna’s breath came out slow and shaky, as she finally allowed her gaze to fall upon Kym again.

  All Kym did was watch her.

  “I do, Kym. I have to.” Her voice was hoarse. “And Lane is just, fuck.” A tear fell down Anna’s cheek, and she wiped it away with a forceful stroke of her hand. “Lane is just, amazing. She is patient and kind and loves the kid
s, and I think she loves me. I had to end it.”

  “Why? Why did you have to end it?”

  “Did you not hear the explanation of why Cathy filed the charges? If I hadn’t been in a relationship, if I was more focused on the kids, this may not have happened.”

  Letting go of Anna’s arm, Kym grabbed the second bottle of wine and poured them both another glass. “Anna, you are so focused on those kids. You’re allowed to date, too. All parents are allowed to date.”

  “I know that! It’s just…It was too soon, after everything. I’m all for parents dating. I in no way believe parents’ lives should end just because they have kids.”

  “Okay, good.”

  “But it was clearly too soon. Everything has still been so raw. And if, if, I get them back at the temporary hearing—”

  “You will.”

  “If I do, what’s to secure me getting them at the final hearing? Cathy has petitioned the court for custody as well. With this on my record, it may fuck it all up. If I’m having some frivolous relationship, appearing like I’m putting my own needs over the kids, why wouldn’t they give them to stable, married Cathy who wants them?” Anna could feel the flush on her cheeks as she looked at Kym, begging for an answer.

  “I can see where you’re coming from.” Kym spoke slowly. “But, it’s not a frivolous relationship, is it?”

  “No.”

  “What’s wrong with two kids seeing their caregiver in a solid, meaningful relationship?”

  “Kym, you’re missing the point. It’s too soon, it’s messed the guardianship up. My brother, he wanted those kids with me. And now they’re in foster care.” She looked at Kym. “They’re in foster care and I just, God, I miss them.”

  Putting her glass down, Kym pulled Anna against her, and Anna let herself be wrapped up in the comfort of her friend.

  “I know you do, sweetie.”

  “And I miss Lane.”

  Kym sighed. “This is so fucked up.”

  “It really is.”

  “So, I kind of wish Cathy would burst through the door and see this. Then you’ll really be labelled a giant ho.”

  This time, her laugh was genuine, the sound bubbling out of her. “She’s probably parked in the bushes with a zoom lens. Come the hearing, she’ll put in photos as evidence.” Anna sat up, wiping her eyes and topping up her glass again, along with Kym’s.

  “She will. Because you know, you lesbians, you’re all sleeping with everyone.”

  Anna managed a watery smile. “Oh, yeah. The cafeteria lady, the chick in the grocery store, everyone.” Clutching her glass, Anna gave a weak wiggle of her eyebrows. “Even you apparently.”

  “Oh, you would be so lucky.” She reciprocated, wriggling her brows up and down lecherously, but Anna’s smile didn’t last long.

  “This is not fair, Kym.”

  Both of them looked around the living room, which was filled with Ella’s DVDs, Toby’s blocks, their toys scattered everywhere. A room the both of them, Lane, and the kids had all half lived in the last several weeks.

  Kym sighed. “It’s really not.”

  Waking up at eight with a sore head and a heavy heart, Anna called her boss on Monday morning to explain what had happened with the kids.

  He sounded more outraged and shocked than she’d expected. McDermott told her to take the day if she needed, to let him know when the trial would be, when she’d need to see the lawyer, and he’d have her covered. He told her that he’d testify until he was blue in the face that Anna had only taken the job on the condition that she be able to be home in the evenings and on weekends when able, especially the first year, when they were all still adjusting. He said he had her work-hour statistics and that he’d compare her time spent at work to others.

  Slightly impressed, she said she was calling child protective services that morning, and, if she was able to see the kids, she would take the day, but, if she couldn’t, she would come in after for the distraction. She also let him know that Scott Matthews would be in touch about a character reference and that she was incredibly grateful he had her back.

  The second she hung up and had nothing to occupy her thoughts, a heaviness settled over her.

  She wanted to call Lane. She just wanted to talk to her.

  But she couldn’t talk to Lane, because she had broken up with her. The silent house was enough to remind her of why. But, God, she needed more of a reminder, because, right now, she wanted Lane. Resolved not to dwell on that feeling, Anna stood up out of bed, grabbed her phone, and pulled a hoodie on.

  The house was too still, too quiet. She wanted to feel Toby’s chubby little toddler arms wrap around her neck as she lifted him out of his cot. She wanted to hear Ella recount her day, sharing details that were so big and important when you were six and-a-half. Anna wanted to yell for Ella to not run down the stairs, or to have to deal with one of Toby’s tantrums, or to try and pry Ella back into the world when she looked lost.

  She just wanted the kids back in the house.

  After wrestling so hard with the idea of having them in her life, now she was up for the biggest fight of her life to get them back. Anna needed to remind herself of that when her stomach felt hollow at the knowledge that she’d ended the relationship of her dreams.

  Lane’s words—then you need to walk out of here, because I can’t walk away from you—just needed to stop playing around and around in her head.

  In the kitchen, Anna started the coffee machine and quickly downed a glass of water with some aspirin. She winced at the smell of nicotine on her fingers. She was really not doing a good job of appearing like a healthy, well-put-together person who deserved to raise her brother’s children. Leaning against the kitchen bench while the smell of coffee started to waft around her, Anna scrolled through her contacts until she found Lorna’s office number and hit send.

  When it rang to a voicemail service informing her that the office opened at nine, Anna slammed her phone onto the bench and glared at it. She was going to go insane without answers soon. If she could just see them, reassure Ella, cuddle Toby, she’d be calmer. She’d be able to focus on the trial.

  For a moment, Anna considered calling Scott to find out if he had a date for the trial yet. Frustration bit at her when she remembered it was early and he also wouldn’t be in. Plus, he’d said he’d be in contact that evening with the information. She couldn’t just keep calling everyone every ten minutes.

  She poured a coffee, grabbed her phone and went to sit outside on the back porch step, purposely leaving her cigarettes inside.

  She felt hopeless. There was nothing she could do to speed this process up. Grabbing her phone, she dialled Lorna again, just in case she was in. It went to voicemail, and Anna left a short message to say she’d appreciate it if Lorna could get back to her as soon as possible.

  The chilly morning air made her shiver as her coffee steamed on the step.

  It really was too quiet.

  God, what if she didn’t get them back?

  Her phone rang, and Anna almost dropped it in her haste to answer. “Hello?”

  “Hi, sweetie.”

  “Oh. Mum, hey.”

  “Expecting Lorna?”

  “I just tried calling; they don’t open until nine.”

  “Oh.” Sandra sounded as disappointed as Anna felt. “I was calling for an update. I know we only spoke yesterday evening, but, well...”

  “I get it. I’ll let you know as soon as I know anything.”

  They chatted briefly, Anna avoiding any questions about Lane, not wanting to tell her mother just yet. After hanging up, Anna took long sips of her coffee and waited. At ten to nine, she called Lorna again, left another voicemail. Anna almost hoped they’d annoy the woman. Let them question her commitment to the kids.

  At six to nine, she called again and left another brief message.
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  At nine, she called and hung up.

  At six past nine, her phone rang, and, this time, she actually did drop her coffee mug in the rush to answer it. “Hello?”

  “Anna. Hi, it’s Lorna.”

  “Hi, I’ve been trying to reach you.”

  The woman’s voice was almost amused. “I know, I got your messages.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be, it’s fine. First things first, I spoke to the foster family with Toby and Ella on the way to work this morning, and they’re doing fine.”

  Anna felt the breath knocked out of her. The relief she felt each time someone told her that, even if she didn’t get to see them herself, was palpable. “Good.” Her voice cracked. “Ella can go quiet. And not eat sometimes. And Toby, he just gets a little clingy—” She broke off.

  “They’re being well looked after, Anna. I am sorry about this.” Lorna’s voice was soft.

  “Can I see them?”

  There was silence for a minute and Anna’s stomach dropped.

  “I’m sorry, Anna. You won’t be able to see them today. There’s a lot of protocol in setting this up. And, uh, I may not be able to get you in to see them at all.”

  “What!”

  “I know. I’m going to try. But if I can’t get you, I will definitely be able to get your mother in. Just, unfortunately, the soonest I can get a visit would be Wednesday.”

  Her mouth went dry. “Lorna—they’ll be so confused and unsettled. Would—can’t I see them? Speak to them?”

  “I’m sorry, I won’t have answers for that until Wednesday.”

  Closing her eyes for a second to find patience, Anna counted to three and opened them again. “Can you at least pass them a message from me?”

  Lorna hesitated. “All right.”

  “Tell…tell them I miss them, and I can’t wait to see them again. Tell Ella that of course—of course I want her.” She was choking up.