All The Little Moments

by G. Benson

  “Are you saying what I think you’re saying? Because if you aren’t, and I’m wrong, I need to know now, because I can’t take you walking away from me again.”

  “I am. Saying what you think I’m saying, I mean.”

  The smile that could always make Anna melt slowly spread over Lane’s lips.

  “Good,” Lane murmured. “Just…don’t panic again, okay?”

  There was a fragility to her tone that made guilt flare up in Anna’s chest. She shook her head. “I won’t.”

  Meeting Anna halfway in a kiss this time, Lane tightened her grip. Their lips moved slowly, Anna’s tense muscles relaxing slightly. Their movements were soft, gentle, not at all the frenzied kissing Anna had imagined this could lead to; it was better. When they parted, both gripped each other, fingers digging into skin.

  Foreheads pressed together, Anna’s voice was a whisper. “I’m so scared they’re going to take them for good.”

  “I know. But we aren’t going to let that happen.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  “You’re thinking.”

  The words came out of nowhere, surprising Anna. She blinked rapidly and turned, looking over her shoulder at Lane. “How do you know that? You’re being big spoon.”

  Warm skin enveloped Anna as she rolled over in Lane’s arms, laying face to face with her on the pillow.

  Lane pushed Anna’s hair back behind her ears. “You’re the loudest thinker I know.”

  “Sorry.”

  “You don’t need to be sorry.”

  “Then why do you look so worried?”

  Lane’s brow furrowed, and she shook her head, burying her face in Anna’s neck. “I don’t.”

  This time, Anna wrapped her arms around Lane, feeling Lane’s lips graze her neck.

  “You do. And now you’re hiding.”

  A sigh was Lane’s answer.

  “Please don’t feel like you can’t talk to me.”

  Soft, tight curls brushed Anna’s chin as Lane shook her head.

  Anna couldn’t even really blame her. The decision she’d felt obliged to make was going to take some time to make up for. Wanting to be able to see Lane, Anna rolled over so Lane was on top of her. Black eyes met her gaze as she stared seriously at Lane, waiting for her to speak.

  “It’s not that I feel like I can’t. I just…” She buried her face deeper against Anna’s neck. “You disappeared. And I get why, I do. But you started to shut down in the morning, and then when you paged me, I…I honestly didn’t even expect you to do it.” Voice a whisper, Lane looked back at her. “It was such a shock. And now you’re thinking. Loudly. And what if…”

  The sentence didn’t need to be finished for Anna to understand it. Kicking herself, she ran her fingers through Lane’s hair, even as she felt tears on her neck. Finally, Lane drew in a quiet, shuddering breath. “And then, in the elevator, I thought you were just, I don’t know, making peace. Even though part of me was kind of waiting for you. To come back. I…I kind of expected it to be when you had the kids back and things had settled.”

  Anna gently cupped Lane’s cheeks and tilted her head up, Lane’s tear-filled eyes meeting her own. “You mean more to me than that.”

  A tear fell down Lane’s cheek.

  Anna wanted to fix it all. She knew there wasn’t a lot she could say, but it wasn’t going to stop her from trying. “I know why you would feel like that. And I don’t blame you if you don’t believe everything I’m saying. But just…I just hope you know that what I did had absolutely nothing to do with you, or us, and everything to do with the kids, and my panic.”

  When Lane nodded, still looking uncertain, Anna was gripped with guilt. Tangling her fingers in Lane’s hair, Anna kissed her, tongue running over her lip. The taste of salt mingled with her guilt, and Anna only pulled back when she couldn’t taste it anymore.

  Lane leant her head on her hand, elbow digging into the mattress near Anna’s head. She splayed the other hand over Anna’s shoulder, fingers brushing her skin, gaze intense. She was looking at her as if she was a puzzle to solve.

  “It was so frustrating, because I knew why you were doing what you were doing. But I didn’t know how to fight for you in those circumstances. All I could think to do was to honour what you wanted, even though not being with you felt so wrong.”

  The skin of Lane’s hand was soft under Anna’s fingertips as she stroked it. “If it helps at all…I was a mess. I just…it tore me apart. And then my mother and Kym not so kindly pointed out to me that I’m an idiot.”

  “So I should call your mum and say ‘thanks’?”

  “The last voicemail from her ended with, ‘Are you back with Lane yet? You better be, young lady!’”

  A chuckle from Lane made Anna smile.

  “So you found me because of threats from Kym and Sandra?”

  Anna could hear genuine concern behind the playful tone; she bit her lip at the insecurity Lane was feeling, especially since she knew the effect Alex had had with her lies and her distant behaviour.

  With one smooth motion, Anna rolled them over, settling between Lane’s legs. She looked at Lane, head cocked, expression serious. “Yes, Kym pushed me into that elevator. And yes, I needed Mum and Kym to snap me out of the haze I was in. But I said it all because I meant it. Because I was a mess without you. Because I need you with me, by my side, if I’m going to get through this. I turned around on my drive home to get you.” One firm kiss, and Anna looked at Lane intently. “Okay?”

  Lane gave a nod. “Okay.”

  Despite her words, Anna knew that it was going to be a while before Lane trusted that she wouldn’t run again; Anna could wait.

  Lane suddenly grinned, cheeky, relaxing slightly. “And you missed the sex, didn’t you?”

  “That was about eighty per cent of the reason.”

  Anna ran her lips slowly over Lane’s collarbone, between her breasts and against her stomach, taking her time. Slowly, she worked Lane into a frenzy and showed her as best she could what she couldn’t put into words.

  Just having her back, Anna felt so lucky.

  And she’d make sure Lane felt that, every day if she had to.

  They woke up slowly. Anna had the day off to prepare for the trial and Lane called in sick despite the loud protests of her coordinator.

  A small laugh escaped Lane as she hung up, and she looked up as Anna carried in two steaming mugs of coffee. The sheets were warm as she slipped back in and handed a coffee over to Lane.

  “What’s funny?”

  “He sighed and said, ‘I suppose you need tomorrow off, too?’”

  Anna smirked. “What did you say?”

  “I said, ‘Yeah, or I could just call in sick again.’ The entire hospital is behind you.”

  Anna sipped her coffee, looking at Lane over the rim. “Thank you.”

  Blowing on her cup, Lane gave her a questioning look. “What for?”

  “For being here, for coming. For spending the day with me so I don’t go crazy.”

  “Thank you for letting me.”

  They smiled tentatively at each other.

  “McDermott made me have today off, you know.”

  “He did?”

  Anna nodded. “I told him I’d need the afternoon to see the lawyer, and he told me to have the whole day. It’s nice and all, but at the time I was freaking out, because it meant too much time not doing anything.”

  “Now?”

  “Now, I have you to keep me calm.”

  The kiss Lane gave her was soft, reassuring, and she settled back against the headboard with a warm glow in her chest. “So what’s your plan for today?”

  Anna gave a small shrug. “Scott’s this afternoon. Maybe see my mum beforehand. Try not to think too much. And…” Anna looked up almost shyly from her coffee, “hang with you.”r />
  “We can definitely do that.”

  Anna drained the last of her mug, putting it on the bedside table and settling down on her back, head in Lane’s lap.

  Silence fell over them as Lane sipped at her coffee, her fingertips running gently over Anna’s stomach and hips. Anna stared up at the ceiling, comfortable, though her thoughts were starting to wander to the trial tomorrow.

  “Lane,” Anna’s voice was low. “what if I don’t get them back tomorrow?”

  Soft fingers ran over Anna’s stomach as Lane kissed her cheek. “Then we fight our asses off to have them back to you at the trial.”

  “It’s been so long since I’ve seen them. I just, I hadn’t even realised, in a way, just how much I need them—just how much they’re a part of my life now.”

  Lane brushed Anna’s hair off her forehead, her hand soothing as it stroked along the strands. “I know.”

  “I spent the first few weeks on the verge of calling Mum every night to come over so I could just run.”

  Without judgment, Lane watched her.

  “What if I’d caved one of those nights and done that? They could use it against me.”

  “I don’t think your mum would have told them. God, my cousin did that once with her two kids. I think that’s something a lot of people have done. It’s okay that you wanted to run sometimes, you know.”

  “I miss them. So much.”

  Lane leant forward and kissed her forehead. “Me too.”

  Their hands linked over Anna’s stomach.

  “Plus side?”

  “Mm?”

  “You look hot as all hell lying on the bed with no shirt on like that.”

  Anna even laughed.

  They took their time that morning, mostly chatting idly, taking a long shower, and slowly trying to be at ease with each other again. The slight barrier between them had unsettled them both and it just made Anna even more resolved to break it down.

  Lane went with Anna to her mother’s. Sandra wrapped Lane in a hug but said nothing else when she answered the door to find them both standing there. Unable to stop the grin that overtook her face, she cupped Lane’s cheeks a moment and then dragged them in to sit down for tea and coffee.

  Anna was almost unable to hold it together when Sandra, lips pressed tight together, handed her art from Ella. There were four paintings in all, showing Anna, Ella, and Toby doing different things. Sandra was in a few of them, and so were Jake and Sally, on a cloud. Quickly, Anna handed them over to Lane. The last painting caused a lump in her throat.

  As Lane looked at the picture, her own eyes glittered. Painted sitting around a very odd looking table were Ella and Toby eating dinner, with who could only be Kym, Lane, and Anna all around them.

  “She wanted me to give you all of these. The teacher asked the kids in her class to paint their family.” Sandra held out one more. “And this one is from Toby.”

  A bitter feeling of sadness rushed through her as she took the paper. It was a bright orange smear, and Anna could only imagine how much paint had ended up covering him.

  “Thanks, Mum.”

  “They really are okay, Anna. I know how you feel, though. I wouldn’t have felt better hearing you say it. It was seeing them that helped.”

  Anna grasped Lane’s fingers where they were squeezing her knee. This ordeal had left her exhausted. Having Lane back, even though it had only been a few days that they were apart, was making a huge difference. But the only thing that was really going to quell this ache in her chest, this constant stress, was having Ella and Toby back under her roof.

  Just before two, Lane and Anna went out for a late lunch before the meeting with Scott, mostly in need of a distraction. Feeling slightly bad that their reunion was tainted with all of their focus on the next day’s trial, Anna pressed in close to Lane at the booth, seeking contact. They ate quietly, sharing the odd exchange of words and soft looks.

  “Nervous?” Lane peered at Anna over her coffee cup.

  “I don’t want to be. Scott’s trying to prepare me for what to expect tomorrow.”

  “That’s what this afternoon’s meeting is for?”

  “Yeah.”

  Lane put her cup down and gently lifted Anna’s chin up with her hand. Instead of resisting, Anna met her soft look.

  “It’s going to go fine.” Anna wanted to believe her. “Anyone with a brain can see you are what is best for those kids. It sucks that this had to happen, but we are going to get them back to you.”

  Anna nodded.

  With a quick kiss, Lane’s fingers grazed from Anna’s chin to along her cheek, which she cupped gently for a second before letting her hand drop.

  “This is exactly what is wrong with you.”

  Anna whipped her head around at the familiar voice.

  Cathy stood, eyes blazing and cheeks flushed, looking down at the two of them. Next to Anna, Lane tensed. There was a man just behind Cathy; the two of them had clearly been on their way out when Cathy had caught sight of them. He looked at them in surprise before turning his face away and hurrying out. Anna barely caught a glimpse of him—but something struck her as familiar.

  “Showing that, in public.” Cathy’s voice wavered with disgust, her tone low, stony. Eyes flaming fury, she didn’t even notice her friend leave. “Flaunting this, where anyone can see you. This is why those innocent children have been taken away from you.”

  Anger licked up inside Anna. She sat straighter.

  “They’ve been taken from me because of false accusations from you, Cathy. Not for any other reason.” Anna kept her voice calm.

  Lane’s hand squeezed her knee under the table where Cathy couldn’t see it, a reminder of sorts. Scott had told Anna to steer clear of Cathy and, if she saw her, to avoid confrontation. Anything could damage their case, and Anna needed to calm down, which was incredibly difficult to do when the woman was standing over them, looking at them like that, when she was the cause of Ella and Toby being in foster care.

  Cathy gave a snort of a laugh.

  Anna could barely look at the twisted expression of hate on features that reminded her so much of her sister-in-law, who had been one of the most accepting people Anna had known, who had not wanted her mother in her own life, let alone her children’s.

  “They were taken because I was right. Soon they will be away from your, your,” Cathy looked them up and down and Lane’s hand tightened on Anna’s leg, “depravity, forever.”

  Breath coming short and fast, Anna stood up, taking Lane’s hand and pulling her up too. As calmly as she could, she walked past Cathy without looking at her.

  “Really, Anna, if you love those children, if your kind are capable of normal, healthy love, you will let them go.”

  She kept her eyes forward, Lane’s hand still in hers as she led them out.

  Cathy, whose voice had thus far been low, called after them, “Who will you answer to, Anna, when your time comes?”

  Anna called out her answer without even looking over her shoulder. “My conscience.”

  They exited the cafe, walking quickly, Anna’s breathing no more controlled than before, their hands clasped between them. The cool air was stinging her burning cheeks.

  Lane pulled them up short next to her car, and Anna leant back heavily against the door, the metal cool even through her clothing. When she finally managed to look at Lane, she saw the anger she knew was on her own face reflected back at her. They looked at each other, speechless, until Lane finally spoke, her voice terse.

  “She’s a crazy bitch.”

  Anna actually managed to crack a smile. “She really is.”

  “You did really well, to just leave like that.”

  “What gives her the right to feel she can judge people like that?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “Your hand is shakin
g.”

  “I’m pretty mad. She was looking at us like we were filth. And what she said—” Lane cut herself off, too angry to continue.

  Anna squeezed the hand still clasped in her own. “Thank you, for keeping your cool.”

  “Saying anything to that woman wouldn’t have helped.”

  “Thank you, too, for just…”

  When Anna paused, unable to put what she needed to say into words, Lane stared at her, questioning.

  “I was just glad you were there.”

  “I’m glad you weren’t doing that alone.”

  “I’m sorry she looked at you like that.”

  “Don’t you dare apologise for her.”

  Taking a deep breath, Anna leant her head back against the car. “God, the kids just cannot go to her.”

  Lane’s arms wrapped around her, comforting and warm. “There is no way in hell that’s going to happen.”

  “Let’s get to the lawyer’s and get this day over with. I want it to be tomorrow already.”

  “Can I shoot spitballs at the back of Cathy’s neck from where I’m sitting?”

  Chuckling, Anna nodded. “That? That you can do.”

  The night air was refreshing, and the wine on her tongue even more so. The wooden step under Anna was hard, and she twirled a cigarette in her hand as she stared out into the backyard, watching a plane go over head, too far away to hear, lights flickering. Her fingers never stopped twirling the cigarette as she took another sip of wine.

  Lane had gone home to get clothing for tomorrow, promising to come back as soon as she’d grabbed a shower and something court appropriate.

  The meeting with Scott had gone quickly; he ran over his questions and posed the questions to her that he believed the State’s attorney would ask. He reassured them, reiterated how it would be run, and answered their questions. He assured them again that being gay couldn’t keep the kids from Anna. The case was based on neglect, on allegations, and also on something that their case manager had said. That was news to Anna, because Lorna had appeared to be on their side. So, how had this happened? If the caseworker was on their side, how had the kids been taken away?