by Ali Vali
Aidan dropped into the seat across from Berkley and said, “Ouch.”
“I’m taking lessons from your playbook and ripping the bandage off quick. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but let’s be frank. Things have changed.” She finished her beer before turning and giving Aidan a smile. “I’m not going to lie to you and say that I don’t care about you anymore. I do. What we had was special and you were a lot of fun, but that’s over. And I know for damn sure I don’t fit into your life, and I’m way past begging even if that were a possibility. It’s not.”
“If you give me a chance, you might find that I’ve changed from the ambitious naval officer you once knew.”
Berkley laughed and reached over to brush away the hair from Aidan’s forehead. “Twelve years after graduation and you get the helm of the fastest and best carrier in the fleet. I don’t think you’ve changed too much.” When Aidan lowered her head Berkley reeled from the criticism. In reality the hurt had gotten to a point she felt she could close this chapter of her life and move on. Forgetting was an impossibility, but she’d show Aidan a hell of a lot more compassion than she’d gotten. “Ambition isn’t a bad thing, darlin’. What we had together was something I’m never going to forget, but you have to admit that it would’ve gotten in the way of the career you’ve built for yourself. If there isn’t anyone questionable in your life, then there’s nothing for you to tell, and nothing for the brass to give you shit over.”
“You haven’t called me darlin’ since that night in Hawaii,” Aidan said.
“I haven’t done a lot since that night, starting with not believing anything you say when it comes to commitment or what you feel for me.” Then again perhaps she wasn’t as big about this as she’d thought, as she couldn’t help taking another shot at Aidan.
“Do you hate me that much?”
“I don’t hate you, but after you left me, I don’t owe you any explanations on my feelings at all.”
“That’s not exactly the way I remember it,” Aidan said with heat.
“Close enough though, right?” Berkley said and sighed. “Look, I’m proud of you, and you’re going to do great. Having a woman at the helm had to happen sooner or later, and I’m glad the Navy chose you. Having you break down the barriers that seemed impenetrable means it’ll be that much easier for the next talented officer who wants her chance. It was worth the sacrifices you had to make, even if I’m one of the things on that list. So I don’t hate you, but when I got that first letter from you, writing back was easier. I stepped away because I knew the Navy would always win over me, and playing second fiddle isn’t in me, Captain.”
Berkley was sure that Aidan still didn’t realize that the part of herself she’d given away so freely when she’d fallen in love was something no woman before her had come close to getting from her. But that’s what you did when you found the person you thought would be the one common factor in the rest of your days. She’d never thought to question what her future was going to be because she’d believed Aidan when she said she loved her. It’s why what had happened had totally blindsided her.
They had made plans for a romantic dinner, but that morning Aidan received word of her next promotion. The lure of eventually having those four gold bars and silver eagle on her uniform had erased a lot of other things from her mind, Berkley being the first on the list. At least it was the impression she’d given Berkley at the time with some of the idiotic things she’d said during their meal. She’d led off with what a problem their relationship was going to be if she were asked about it.
But Berkley was right, Aidan wanted to be truthful about her personal life when the brass asked before they gave her the rank she’d need for her own ship one day. Now the USS Jefferson was her reward for giving up the one person who’d stolen her heart, but it was a hollow victory. She felt like shit that she didn’t figure it out before Berkley flew out of her life, literally. Berkley hadn’t returned a phone call or request to see her again after their last night together, no matter how many times she’d asked.
Their only communication was the letters that came often enough to make her feel like Berkley still cared, but sporadically enough to send the message that there was no going back. She’d kept a stack of them and she’d read them enough to have memorized every line, hoping to glean some hidden message that Berkley was still in love with her.
“Does it help you to understand any better if I told you I was wrong?” Aidan asked. “And that I’m sorry?”
“Thanks for coming out here and saying it. It does help, but why waste your time? What we had seems like a lifetime ago and now we’re in different places.” Berkley stood and offered Aidan a hand up, intent on walking her to the door. “I’ll help you assemble the team you need to stock the Jefferson, then I’m going to stand on the pier and wave good-bye.”
Aidan looked at their physical link and remembered how Berkley’s large, warm hands made her feel. For the profession they had chosen it was forbidden, but temptation sometimes was like the song of the Sirens—impossible to ignore. It stripped away your reason and called to the part of your heart that wanted the comfort that came from giving in when you were this close to the person who owned you.
“We’re in the same place now,” Aidan said. She moved closer and ran her other hand up Berkley’s chest until it came to rest at the base of her neck. “I’ve missed you, baby. Please don’t turn me away. You’re the reason I’m here.”
“Am I? Why?” Berkley let her go and took three steps back.
“I love the sea. I’m not going to deny that. And the fact the Navy trusted me with the Jefferson was an honor, but honor doesn’t make me feel alive.” She moved closer until their bodies were touching. “Not the way I felt when I was in your arms. I miss you. Besides, I only got this as a gimmick to show what an equal opportunity organization the Navy is. I know better than to think I got it on merit. The new president promised change, and he rammed it down their throats.”
“That’s not true, and this isn’t going to happen.” Berkley was up against the railing, so she gently backed Aidan up.
“It is true, but I plan to give it my best no matter why they gave it to me.” Aidan didn’t try to touch her again, but she did move closer. “That’s not what I’m here to talk to you about, though.”
“I’m not interested, Aidan, so back off.” Berkley stepped around her and faced the open land behind the house. “I’m many things, but I’m not an idiot. You only get one chance to throw me away, and you did it in spectacular form.”
“That was the worst mistake of my life, and I’ve paid for it every day since. I didn’t understand what losing someone truly was until I stupidly gave away what we had.”
“You didn’t lose me, Aidan, you laid it all out for me over a plate of shrimp so that I couldn’t make a scene and mess up your perfect little script of how things should be,” Berkley said. “I felt like an item on your to-do list you had to check off before you left for more important things. It’s like I came between you calling a moving company and turning off your utilities.”
“That’s not true.”
“I was there, so I’m not making this shit up.” Berkley turned and glared at her so intently it made Aidan drop her gaze. “I do know what losing’s all about. You educated me so well that it’s hard to forget, so get back to your successful job and leave me the hell alone.” Almost as suddenly as Berkley’s temper flared, it quickly died. “Just get out. you’re not worth getting upset over anymore.”
Aidan didn’t back down and took a chance since there was no way Berkley was going to make the first move that would get them past the hurt. She stood on the tips of her toes and kissed Berkley, slipping her tongue into her mouth when Berkley opened it a little to protest. The moan Berkley released made Aidan’s nipples tighten, and she took one of Berkley’s hands and put it on her chest as encouragement to explore. There had been no one else after Berkley and there never would be if she could help it, but her dreams weren’
t enough anymore.
“Please, baby, I’ve waited so long for you,” Aidan said.
“Am I supposed to roll over and give you what you want because of a few pretty words?” Berkley pushed her away with a little more force this time. “That’s more insulting than breaking up with me in a restaurant.” Berkley’s face appeared set in stone, and if the kiss had softened her any, her emotions were back in place.
“I know you don’t have any reason to believe me,” Aidan said, then laughed. “Jesus, that sounds so clichéd. You don’t, but if it takes me turning in my resignation to prove how serious I am, I’ll do it.” Nothing she said made Berkley change her expression. “I’m serious.”
“There’s no need for grandiose gestures or flowery promises. You’re going to sail the Jefferson and I’m going to stay here and teach spoiled little boys who think they have something to prove.” Berkley stared at her so intently that Aidan felt as if she was looking right through her. “I don’t have shit to prove to anyone, especially you.”
“You can say you don’t, but you really do hate me, don’t you?” Aidan let loose some of her self-control. The tears started slowly, but soon they turned to sobs, and before she could turn completely toward the door she found herself back in Berkley’s arms. The only one who had ever seen this side of her was Berkley, and being strong all the time was tiring.
“Aidan, I’ll tell you as many times as it takes to sink in,” Berkley said as she ran her hands up and down Aidan’s back. “I don’t hate you, but you also don’t get to walk back into my life four years after you decided I wasn’t worth another thought, and expect to pick up again just because you think it’s time.”
“I’ve thought of nothing else from the first morning I woke up alone.”
“And yet you show up about twelve thousand days later. I’m sure you put more thought into getting promoted to captain,” Berkley said and dropped her arms. She didn’t push Aidan away, but she did let her go like she was too fatigued to deal with her anymore.
“I tried to call,” Aidan said and pointed at Berkley. “You can recall every mistake I made, but you don’t get to conveniently omit the things I tried to do to make up for my mistakes.”
“You manage to promote yourself into the helm of the Jefferson, and I’m sure you could tell me about every rivet on that monster, not exactly the kind of energy you put into making anything up to me. It’s time to give up that dream. We’ve been apart so long you don’t know if you’ll even fit into my life now.”
Aidan tightened her arms around Berkley’s waist like it was a life preserver in rough seas. “I know where you were from the moment you left, and I know you well enough that there’s no way you change the most essential part of yourself to the point that I wouldn’t love you. I tried, Berkley, I really did. I tried to make what I did right, but all you ever responded to were the letters.” She reached up and placed her fingers under Berkley’s chin to make her look at her. “If you felt that strongly about it, why respond in any way at all?”
“You know why,” Berkley said as if to utter the words meant defeat. “From the moment I met you I knew we’d be linked somehow until one of us was dead. I wasn’t the one who tried to sever it, but despite the hurt I couldn’t let go completely.”
“If even a little part of you feels like that now, could you let me in just that little bit? I swear on all we both believe in that you won’t be sorry.”
“This conversation has gone on long enough to make me sorry, Aidan.” Berkley tilted her upper body away from her. “If I give in now, all this would turn into is a one-night stand, and I’m not that desperate. Like I said, I’m not stupid enough to think I’d win out over the ambition that drives you, so I’m not going to set myself up for you to knock down again.”
“One night is the last thing I want.” Aidan caressed the side of Berkley’s face. “I’m selfish in that I want them all, but forever has to start somewhere.” She felt Berkley relax enough so she could bring her down for another kiss.
Berkley had been right that it had taken her almost no time to realize Berkley was the one person she wanted. That first day they’d met in Hawaii was all it took, and no matter how hard she worked to erase Berkley from her heart, it had been impossible.
“I know how controlled you are when you’re flying, even if it doesn’t look that way, but what I’m asking is for you to let some of that go and trust what your heart’s telling you.”
“Are you sure you want me to do that?” Berkley laughed. “Because for once my head and my chest are in total agreement, and it’s to show you the door.”
“I’ll go easy on you, then.” Aidan brought her hand to the front of Berkley’s waist. “You tell me you don’t want me and I’ll go.”
Berkley didn’t answer her and didn’t make a move to stop her when Aidan unfastened her belt. In the stillness of the night the zipper of Berkley’s pants sounded unusually loud. “Tell me you’re not as turned on as I am and I’ll leave. It’ll kill me, but I’ll do it.”
She briefly lost eye contact with Berkley as she opened the khaki pants enough to see the white underwear underneath. “Tell me to stop.” Since Berkley hadn’t moved away yet, Aidan reached inside and slumped against Berkley when she discovered how hard she was.
“See? Not all of you forgot me.” Seeing Berkley shiver in the cold night air, Aidan took Berkley’s hand and led her into the house. She pushed Berkley against the kitchen counter, then followed Berkley’s pants and briefs to the ground. When she glanced up she felt like she’d gone back in time when she saw what appeared to be adoration on Berkley’s face. “When I’m alone I think of you like this, and I remember how much you wanted me and my touch.”
Berkley’s head screamed what a mistake this was. Aidan had been almost impossible to forget, much less get over—that was actually something she was still working on, and she willed herself to act. She lifted Aidan off her knees and meant to push her away again before the situation got any further out of control. It was the tears and the soft “please” that put the first cracks in her resolve, but the anger was hard to let go of, and she forced herself to move Aidan’s hand.
“You need to go,” Berkley said, and felt exposed in more ways than just having her pants around her ankles.
“I’ll beg if I have to,” Aidan said and reached behind her to unzip her skirt. It fell around her plain black shoes and Berkley couldn’t help but laugh. Along with her body’s response to Aidan, there was something else that hadn’t changed.
The Navy might have issued all parts of her uniform, but the underwear was where Aidan was rebellious. Silk, navy blue bikinis were definitely not government issue, but they were incredibly sexy.
“What do you do on the days you have to go in for a physical?” Berkley asked.
“Don’t worry. You’re the only one who knows about this particular quirk of mine. The doctor thinks I’m as plain as everyone else in their Navy whites.” Aidan stripped off her underwear and reached for Berkley’s hand. “Touch me.”
Berkley gave in to the request but held back the gentle touch she once shared with Aidan, and after kicking her feet free she picked Aidan up, carried her into the living room, and laid her on the sofa. She could’ve insisted that Aidan leave, but she’d been out in the cold so long that she’d almost forgotten what it was like to have the warm skin of a lover under her fingers.
With one hand Berkley unclasped Aidan’s bra and let it fall to the ground. She paused to enjoy the two pink and very alert nipples before sucking one into her mouth. She was holding herself just above Aidan, and when she sucked a little harder Aidan tipped her hips up seeking some relief. Her wetness painted Berkley’s stomach, but Berkley wasn’t ready to stop the slow torture she’d started.
“Please touch me,” Aidan said.
“You may outrank me, but you’re going to have to be patient. I’ll touch you, but the way I want.” The rocking of Aidan’s hips was starting to speed up, so Berkley let go of the nipple
with a pop. “If you come you’re going to be sorry.”
“That’s what you think. I’m close enough that it won’t take much, so touch me.” Aidan finished her plea with a pinch to Berkley’s nipple as motivation. She then lowered her hands and opened herself to Berkley. “See what you do to me? Come on, I’m wet and it’s all for you.”
The sight of Aidan like this was too good to ignore. Berkley left her perch and moved down. She held Aidan’s hands in place, liking the access it gave her. She lowered her head and put her hands under Aidan’s firm bottom. Aidan moaned when she dragged the tip of her tongue from the opening up and around the hard clitoris.
“Stop teasing me,” Aidan said when she lifted her head and met Berkley’s eyes. Not another coherent word came out of her mouth when Berkley did as she asked and sucked her in. As much as she had wanted it, Aidan was disappointed that it was over so fast. She had wanted Berkley from the moment she saw her snap to attention that morning, and she couldn’t hold back the orgasm.
The next thing she knew she was wrapped up in Berkley’s embrace and she was sobbing. “I’ve got you,” Berkley cooed to her. “It’s all right.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fall apart on you. It’s nothing you did, I just missed you.”
“Either I’m better than I remember or you haven’t done this in a while.” Berkley swept away the hair that had matted on Aidan’s forehead and then wiped away her tears.
“I may’ve been a bitch, but you can’t seriously mean that. I haven’t done this since the last night we were together.”
“Been that busy, have you?” Berkley said, unable to hold back her sarcasm. She drew small circles with her finger on Aidan’s chest.
“Don’t make light of it. I have been working hard, but there hasn’t been anyone else.” Berkley’s inhaled breath could only mean she was about to disagree with her, so Aidan lifted up a little and placed her hand over her mouth. “It has nothing to do with the military and their archaic rules. We could flip burgers for a living and it would be you that I’d still be waiting for. I missed you, so it made having someone else in my life impossible.”