Nightshade

by McAdams, Molly

  By the time he was finished explaining, the chain was lying in a heap on top of the knife and he was rubbing my wrists.

  “You said you don’t remember sometimes.”

  Kieran’s jaw clenched. “When it starts. If it takes over suddenly, and I’m not prepared.” He rubbed at his forehead then moved his hand to grip mine. “If I try to fight against it too hard, it takes over completely, and I don’t remember anything at all. Like the shower.”

  I nodded slowly, understanding even if our darks were so opposite. “And what about the knife?” I asked softly. “You had it in your hand and were facing me, and you didn’t do a thing.”

  “I know,” he said in a low tone.

  No explanation.

  No excuse.

  “I told you I trusted you.”

  “I still don’t,” he said gravely. “That could’ve ended . . .” He shook his head but didn’t continue.

  “But it didn’t. Like I told you, I don’t think it will. You wouldn’t hurt me.”

  A huff that sounded like a sneer burst from his chest as he crawled off me and the bed.

  “Did you even enjoy it?”

  He stopped, twisting his neck to spear me to the bed with his glare.

  I wanted him to tell me it was incredible.

  I wanted him to tell me he didn’t know it could be so good.

  I wanted so much that I couldn’t have . . .

  “If you didn’t, then fine. Tell me. I just wanted to show you that you wouldn’t hurt me. I wanted to show you that you didn’t need to be afraid of what’s in your mind. And I did.”

  He knelt on the bed, gripping my chin in his fingers and slamming his mouth onto mine.

  His mouth and his tongue were relentless.

  And it made my exhausted body ache for him.

  “If you think for a second that fucking you isn’t the best goddamn thing I’ve ever experienced, you really are insane.”

  Oh, Kieran. Don’t you see that I am?

  Why else would I have fallen for you?

  Why else would I be looking for reasons to stay while trying to leave?

  I’d made it to the edge of the bed before we somehow found ourselves spread across the entire thing, tangled up in each other and talking about Kieran’s earliest memory training with knives.

  He was three and had already been training before that.

  And I thought my parents were crazy.

  A pang hit where my chest was already aching.

  Momma.

  I have to go. I have to leave.

  Kieran’s muscled body stretched over mine to grab one of the smaller knives he’d been showing me a trick with, and my body automatically responded by arching against him.

  Stop me from leaving.

  Kieran groaned and dipped his head to bite my shoulder, his hips grinding against my butt, his thick length teasing where I was still bare.

  A whimper escaped my lips and I lifted my hips to meet him.

  Take control, I silently begged. Fight the demon that’s waiting for me.

  “Jesus, you’re going to be the death of me,” he whispered against my skin then sat on his knees to run his hands over my back.

  The light weight of the knife settled on my spine as his hands continued to race down, down, down.

  He gripped my butt and ran his thumbs over that forbidden place, making me shiver with heat and forcing a plea from me.

  “Fuck, Jessica.” His thumbs teased me once more before he scooped up the knife and pulled me up so I was kneeling with him. His mouth went to my ear, his voice low and husky. “One day, I’m taking this.”

  His promise was emphasized by the slightest pressure of his erection against me. A bone-deep shudder ripped through me, and I might have whimpered. My legs trembled as his seductive words replayed in my mind.

  I wanted to shy away from the thought, and I wanted to beg him not to wait for another day.

  I gripped his hair and arched my body. My heart racing from my nervousness and anticipation.

  He grabbed my hand, brought it around to press a kiss to my palm, and pressed the other flat to my belly, bringing my body flush with his. “We’ve experimented with your demons enough today.”

  The air fled from my lungs in a rush as disappointment coursed through me.

  His mouth ghosted down my arm and over the marks he’d left. “I’m sorry.”

  I knew from the depth of his apology that it was for the bruises and not the tease.

  My head shook in wonder and amusement.

  Glancing over my shoulder, I joked, “You know, for someone so terrifying and murderous, you’re probably the most apologetic guy I’ve ever met.”

  Despite the lightness of my tone, he stilled. His eyes met mine and searched them as that calm fury stole across his features.

  “I never was,” was all he said before he released me and climbed off the bed.

  “Wait,” I turned and reached for him, grazing the tips of his fingers as he moved from me without looking back. “Kieran.”

  A shudder rippled through his muscled back when I said his name, but still he didn’t turn as he reached his dresser and pulled out a pair of shorts.

  I wrapped the discarded sheet around my body so it was covering my breasts and stood from the bed but didn’t move toward him.

  I’d never had a problem with wanting to cover my body, but Kieran had a way of making me feel more exposed than being naked ever could.

  Damn vulnerabilities.

  Damn my heart.

  Damn him.

  “Tell me what I said that was so wrong.”

  For nearly a minute, he stood there with his back to me, slowly rolling the small blade across his fingers before he tossed it on the dresser.

  “I can’t remember apologizing to her for anything. Ever. Except maybe at the very end.” His voice was soft and dark and held an ache that I felt deep in my chest. “It nearly destroyed me when I lost her, and she was an assignment.” He looked over his shoulder, his expression guarded. “But you? I wanted to hate you and I couldn’t.”

  I tried to ignore the way it felt like a hole was opening up inside me. Because this was going to end badly.

  I love you, I love you, I love you.

  He turned fully to look at me, his chest rising and falling heavily. “I apologize because I’ve never been more aware of how much I’m hurting someone. I’ve never been more aware of how much danger I’m putting someone in. All I know is how to hurt people, and I’m terrified of hurting you.” He looked at me with a tortured expression. “You think I’m only afraid of what’s inside me? Jessica, I’m fucking terrified of losing you.”

  A stuttered breath ripped from my chest. “Kieran . . .”

  He raked his hands over his face and shook his head. “And the fucked-up thing is, I already know I will.”

  How could he—

  He couldn’t.

  “You tell me what I need to know, but you’re still so guarded. You disappear like you need to remind me that I can’t hold on to you.” He took measured steps to where I stood, stopping a breath from me. “I know I can’t.”

  He didn’t reach for me.

  He didn’t turn me.

  He just stood there trembling as a look of anguish filled his eyes. “It’s instilled in me to protect. But I have no doubt protecting you would push you away, so I’ve been trying to give you every reason to want to stay. And I still manage to fuck up every day with you. Hurt you. Scare you. So, yeah. I’m apologetic.”

  My eyes burned, but I forced back any wetness that gathered there.

  I had to do this. He would never understand. He would never let me go.

  “If only you knew I’ve wanted to start over every day with you just so I could experience it all again for the first time.”

  If only you knew it can’t stop what’s coming.

  Kieran’s anguished look was replaced with doubt.

  “There is nothing I wouldn’t do to make you understand that y
ou’ve been apologizing for things that aren’t your fault. For demons that aren’t yours.” My voice dropped to hide the slight waver in it as I moved by him. “But you’d never hear me.”

  He didn’t try to argue.

  He didn’t say anything at all.

  I crossed the room and dropped the sheet as I searched for one of his shirts since mine was once again ruined. Once I was covered, I grabbed my shorts and shoes from the floor and pulled them on.

  When I turned, Kieran was facing me, expression unreadable, body unnaturally still. “What are you doing?”

  What’s necessary.

  “What does it look like?” The reply came out thick with emotion, and I silently cursed my tight throat and every weakness he brought out in me.

  “Jessica . . .”

  I picked up my bag and bit out, “Who do you see?” I stalked across the room and grabbed my clothes and the chain from the bed, shoved them into my bag, and turned to face him. “Who do you see when you fuck me? When you think you’ve hurt me? When you’re apologizing?”

  Kieran’s hands drove into his hair, his eyes wide with confusion. “What the fuck, Jessica? You. I see you.”

  I scoffed and turned toward the door, not bothering with the window.

  “Jessica.”

  I rounded on him when he grabbed my arm and said, “I’m not Lily. If you were seeing me then you would know demons take over sometimes. You would know that I know how to fight mine same as you, but it takes time. You would remember the darkness inside us begs for us to come together. You would remember that your dark excites me.”

  I yanked my arm free and stormed toward the door, but his hand came down on it before I could open it.

  “Don’t,” he begged, his tone rough.

  Tears blurred my vision so I dropped my head to stare at the floor.

  “Every moment with you has been something I never thought I would have,” I admitted and choked back a sob.

  Stop me from leaving.

  Tell me you understand.

  Tell me you won’t hate me when this is over.

  “Sometimes my mind conjures someone terrifying,” I whispered. “But when that happens, I’m taken back to another time, and I struggle to get back to you because I know you’re there. All I see is you.” I looked over my shoulder at him just as the tears fell, racing down my cheeks.

  My heart ached at the sight of the man behind me.

  He looked broken. He looked lost. And he looked so, so afraid.

  Make it go away.

  I love you, I love you, I love you.

  “If you saw me, you wouldn’t apologize. Because I’m not the girl who’s afraid of what you’re capable of.”

  I couldn’t wrap my mind around this day.

  How we’d gone from the high and low of this morning to the best fucking experience of my life . . . to the worst.

  Then again, I shouldn’t have expected anything different.

  That’s how everything with Jessica had been. Extreme highs and dangerous lows. Each one leaving me craving more.

  More of her touches and sighs.

  More of her untainted laughs and whispered words.

  More of the way her chaos calmed mine.

  The girl was poison . . . I’d known that. I’d known she’d wreak havoc and then rip herself from my life.

  But I wanted more. I thought I could change her mind.

  Or that I’d have more time.

  Now all I had was the poison lingering in my mind and my heart and my veins.

  It was so fucking sweet and dark and chaotic.

  Everything that was her.

  And I was dreading when the last drop faded from my soul.

  I dropped my bag to the floor of the trailer, the shifting of the chain only a distant sound as I replayed every word said and every expression on his devastated face. I reached up to rub at my aching chest and was suddenly slammed back against the door of the trailer, a hand at my throat, and the barrel of a gun to my temple.

  A stuttered breath rushed from me, and I was desperately trying to drag air into my lungs when his hand slowly tightened around his finger-shaped bruises.

  I should have known.

  I should have noticed something wasn’t right before I set one foot in the trailer.

  But I was so focused on the pain that was reminding me of all the ways I was still alive—still whole when I was sure I’d been destroyed long ago—that I missed every sign.

  AJ smiled, his head moving in fast, subtle shakes. “Don’t know what you’re up to, Jess. But I’m gonna find out.”

  I gritted my teeth and choked out, “Five days.”

  “Yeah. Yeah, you do.” His mouth curled up on one side, and he huffed a laugh. “What’s funny is you ain’t been on the street, so I know you ain’t been making money. If you want me to take it from you, baby, I’m already here and you got a bed in the back. I remember it well.”

  I thrashed against him, my strangled scream bursting through the small space.

  The other three assholes in the trailer laughed.

  “Tell me where your mom is,” he demanded, loosening his hold on my throat.

  “Go to hell.”

  His head fell to the door beside mine, and he groaned. “Goddamn. Every time you open your mouth you make me wanna fuck you and shoot you.”

  My stomach rolled and suddenly it felt more difficult to breathe than when he’d been gripping my neck.

  “You’re mine, whore.”

  I swallowed thickly, trying to push the memories away. Trying to get the feel of him off me even when he was pressed against me.

  “It doesn’t look good when I give you a week and you don’t work. It looks even worse when you head to Wake Forest and shack up in a mansion like you’re a motherfucking queen or some shit.” He leaned back to look at me when I sucked in a sharp breath, his victorious smirk nearly a sneer. “What, you think I didn’t have guys watching you to make sure you ain’t gonna disappear on me after your cracked-out mom did?”

  My mouth twitched into a smile and a wild laugh bubbled up in my chest.

  For the first time, the idea of someone watching my every move was amusing.

  “Keep following me, baby. I can’t wait to see what happens when my client there finds your men . . . and then you.”

  AJ didn’t look fazed.

  Then again, after all these years, he still thought Beck was just another one of the many dealers on the streets of Raleigh. He’d given Beck such a wide berth he didn’t know about Holloway or the monsters that resided in that mansion. I’d made sure of that.

  He dropped the arm holding the gun, holding it away from us until one of the other men grabbed it. “If he’s your client, give me my money.”

  Shit.

  I rolled my eyes as my mind raced. “Can’t,” I said with a bored sigh. “I have this guy who gets very angry if I don’t pay him in full, and I still have five days to get the rest. So, if you’d kindly fuck off, I could get ready and hit my street.”

  “Four.”

  My stomach dropped. “Five. There are still a few hours until it’s even considered five days.”

  “You got a mouth on you, Jess. Someone needs to teach you that your mouth is gonna get you into trouble. Four.”

  A ragged breath ripped from me, and he smiled.

  “Is that a problem? Are you saying you can’t get my money? Because you got a client that’s obviously fucking loaded.”

  “AJ, you gave me a week. Let me have that week.”

  He groaned and sank his body against mine. “Say my name again.”

  I ground my teeth together.

  His hand clenched tight around my throat and shoved my head roughly against the door. Pushing up on my jaw so I was staring at the ceiling, he brought his mouth to my ear. “I dream about this body.”

  You’ll never get your hands on me again, you bastard.

  My entire being was screaming and thrashing, trying to get away from him and his words.<
br />
  From his voice.

  From the memories.

  “Three days.”

  A strangled cry escaped my lips, and he laughed in response.

  “You could always beg.” He slowly shifted my head down, his eyes raking over my face again and again. When I didn’t attempt to speak, he nodded. “Didn’t think so.”

  He released me roughly and looked at me pointedly, waiting for me to move from the door.

  I wanted to run.

  I stared him down for a few seconds then slowly stepped away.

  “I’ll give you four,” he murmured when his men headed for the door. “Every time you go back to Wake Forest, I’m taking a day off.”

  I didn’t respond.

  There wasn’t a need to.

  I was never going back there.

  Don’t stop.

  Don’t stop.

  I let my head slowly roll back to rest against the wall I was leaning on that evening and bit back a curse when the black SUV slowed to a stop ten feet away.

  I forced a smirk as I took my time to walk to where the driver waited, facing straight ahead as he always did.

  I almost laughed, but my stomach was churning.

  Weak. So, so weak.

  I grasped the rear passenger handle and lazily opened the door to climb inside with a taunt on my tongue.

  But someone beat me to it.

  “Miss me?”

  My body stilled. The words caught in my throat . . . their weight suddenly too much.

  I couldn’t swallow. I couldn’t speak. It felt difficult to breathe.

  The man hidden in the shadow of the car leaned forward only enough to beckon me with one strong finger.

  Run, Jess. Run.

  Weak. You’re so damn weak.

  Head up.

  Shoulders back.

  Lips twisted.

  Eyes laughing.

  “Well, well, well . . . look who’s finally showing his face.” I cocked my head to the side and leaned against the door. “And what exactly is it I can help you with this evening?”

  “Get in.” His tone was commanding and left no room for discussion, but then again, I’d never cared for authority.

  I pretended to think about it for a second then lifted a shoulder. “You didn’t even say please. I tend to like it when guys beg.” I turned to leave but jerked to a stop when he suddenly latched on to my wrist.