by Botts, Liz
My babbling couldn’t have been making sense, but Josh didn’t say anything. He just finished cleaning my cut. When the waitress came back, Josh ordered some hot chocolate and pie for the both of us. I was starting to feel better, so I slid out of his coat.
That’s when we both noticed the angry bruise on my forearm.
“Tell me again, exactly what happened,” Josh said very slowly staring at the bruise.
I took a deep breath. “Please, can we just not talk about it right now?” I asked. “I just need to not think about it.”
“One last question, promise,” Josh said.
“Okay,” I agreed.
“Did he hurt you anywhere else?” The question hung there.
We both knew what he meant, but what he couldn’t bring himself to verbalize.
“No,” I whispered.
“Okay,” Josh said.
The waitress brought our hot chocolate and pie, and we dug in. “Hey, thanks,” I said, giving Josh a small smile.
“Anytime,” Josh smiled back. “I hope this means that we’re friends again.”
I knew what he meant right away, and I felt my heart sink.
After the jerky way I’d strung Josh back and forth between friendship and the other extreme, he was still sitting here with me now. He’ had come at a moment’s notice.
“I didn’t interrupt anything too important, I hope,” I said, awkwardly, obviously trying to change the subject. Embarrassed, I took a bite of my pie.
Josh laughed. “Just some intense reruns of Bewitched that I was watching with my mom.”
I laughed with him. In that moment, I couldn’t remember why I’d ever thought that Josh was just a dumb jock. Or why I’d thought that Kyle was my love for eternity. This was what love was supposed to feel like, I decided, safe and comfortable.
Chapter Thirteen
Josh, Claudia, Kyle, and I pulled our chairs close to Ms.
Bard. The auditorium was soothingly quiet. When Ms. Bard had called a principles only rehearsal after regular rehearsal, my initial reaction had been disbelieving exhaustion, but now that we were here, I thought maybe it would reenergize me.
“I want to get the four of you comfortable with each other,”
Ms. Bard explained. “We’ll be building a Circle of Trust now.”
Ah, the Circle of Trust. Ms. Bard had been building the Circle of Trust every year since she’d come to our school, and I don’t think it ever really made a difference. Still, there was something exhilarating about being part of the Circle of Trust for the first time.
“The rules are simple,” Ms. Bard told us. “I want you to share things about yourselves that are relevant for your characters.”
“I don’t get it,” Claudia complained.
Kyle smiled indulgently at her. I shuddered involuntarily and scooted infinitesimally closer to Josh. “She means that you should think about your character, and when she asks a question you answer how your character would answer,” he explained.
“Actually, that’s not quite how it works,” Ms. Bard corrected him gently. Kyle flushed with either anger or embarrassment but didn’t say anything further. “What will happen is, I’ll ask you a question. I then want you to answer it honestly but find a way to tie it in to your character. The objective is that you all get comfortable sharing personal information with each other, but also that you get comfortable putting yourself into your character. Before we begin, I want to emphasize that all information shared in the Circle of Trust stays within the Circle of Trust.”
We all nodded in understanding. “Okay, first question,” Ms.
Bard said pulling out a stack of note cards. “What is your favorite love song?”
There was a moment of contemplation. Claudia raised her hand. “I’ll go first,” she volunteered. “My favorite love song is Baby One More Time by Brittany Spears. It’s classic Brittany.”
“And how do you feel it relates to your character?” Ms. Bard prompted.
“Oh, um, well, I guess she would feel like she really wants to win the guy, and a lot of the time she’s really lonely, so you know, she wants him to pay attention to her,” Claudia finished, smiling proudly.
“Well, my favorite love song is You Give Love a Bad Name,”
Kyle said, giving me a rather pointed look. “I really feel like it speaks to the heartache that comes from giving your heart to another person.”
“Oh please,” I snorted. “It’s just a song for guys looking to blame girls for not liking them.”
Josh burst out laughing. Kyle glared at him and then me. Ms.
Bard frowned briefly. “Let’s be respectful in the Circle of Trust,”
she chided. “Joshua, please share your favorite love song with us.”
A full blush colored Josh’s cheeks. “Well, I actually really like that Dolly Parton song, Islands in the Stream.”
My jaw dropped.
“What?” Josh asked, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably.
“That’s my favorite love song,” I said. “My dad used to sing it to my mom all the time when I was little.”
Josh gave me a smile that was actually sort of shy.
“Marvelous progress!” Ms. Bard exclaimed.
“What about you, Ms. Bard?” Claudia asked. “What’s your favorite love song?”
Laughing Ms. Bard answered, “This isn’t about me, dear.”
“Oh, come on, Ms. Bard,” I chimed in. “You can share in the Circle of Trust, too, can’t you?”
Ms. Bard seemed to consider her answer heavily before she said, “Well, my current favorite love song is actually Love Story by Taylor Swift. It’s just so much fun. And who doesn’t love a good reference to Romeo and Juliet?”
Claudia looked disappointed. I guess I sort of knew how she felt; almost like Ms. Bard should have liked something more grown up and intriguing. Instead, she liked teenage country music from the recent past.
“Next question,” Ms. Bard prompted. “What celebrity do you have a crush on?”
I still wasn’t sure how this activity helped us get to know each other better or how it helped us connect with our characters, but the questions weren’t hard. And I was finding that I actually really enjoyed getting to know more about Josh. And how weird was it that we shared a favorite love song?
Kyle sighed. “I’m not sure what this has to do with anything, but I think Megan Fox is hot. Are you with me on this one, Josh?”
Shaking his head Josh said, “Actually she sort of scares me. I like girls that are more natural looking like Jenna Fisher on The Office.”
What an interesting contrast. Not that many people would argue with either one of them, but it sure made a difference as to who they would pick as a girlfriend. Suddenly I saw all sorts of value in Ms. Bard’s Circle of Trust.
“I think Robert Pattinson is hot. No maybe Taylor Lautner.
No Robert Pattinson. No Taylor Lautner. Well, whatever. Most of the guys in those Twilight movies are h to the o to the t,” Claudia said. I had to stifle laughter. Claudia really did have a hoochie gene. It was my turn. I had to say something. But who on earth could I say that didn’t make me sound hormonal or shallow? My mind raced through lists of actors that I found attractive. Finally, after much hemming and hawing I said, “I guess I find that guy from Sixteen Candles pretty hot.”
“Oh come on,” Kyle muttered.
“Ew,” Claudia squealed. “That guy has to be like one hundred by now.”
Ms. Bard chuckled. “He’s hardly one hundred years old, Claudia. And this is based on your personal opinions. Not by current trends. Hannah, how do you feel this crush helps you understand your character?”
I hadn’t counted on her asking me that. “I guess it makes sense mostly because all of the songs come from the , so when Kelly is listening to that music, she’d also be watching movies from the eighties.”
“Your turn, Ms. Bard,” Josh grinned.
Ms. Bard blushed. “Well,” she hesitated. “My celebrity crus
h isn’t on an actor.” She paused, and Claudia leaned forward, her hands clasped together in excitement. “I find Chef Bobby Flay quite attractive.”
As Ms. Bard drifted into a dreamy contemplation of the merits of Bobby Flay, Josh leaned over to me and whispered. “My mom says Bobby Flay is a pompous Neanderthal, but I think that’s what she likes about him.”
“What? His caveman-‐-ness?” I whispered back. Josh and I burst out laughing, drawing a glare from Kyle, a confused glance from Claudia, and a small smile from Ms. Bard, who quickly looked down at her note cards.
“One last question for the Circle of Trust today,” Ms. Bard said. “We’ll have the Circle of Trust every Tuesday after rehearsal.
For our last question today, go around the circle and say one nice thing about each of your cast mates.”
Oh, crap. After last Saturday, there was about zero nice I could say about Kyle. My leg still ached from the gash, and my heart hurt worse from how wrong I’d been about him. I threaded my hands together nervously.
“I’ll start,” Kyle said, a sort of mocking tone coating each word. “Claudia is beautiful. What can I say besides that? Hannah is easy,” Kyle paused, seemingly for emphasis. My stomach churned and my heart squeezed. I had to blink hard to keep the tears out of my eyes. “To get along with, I mean. And Josh isn’t a scumbag.”
“Um…thanks?” Josh said. “Kyle has worked really hard on this project. Claudia seems really supportive of everyone. And Hannah,” Josh paused. What was with all the pausing? “And Hannah is the most talented person I’ve ever met.” He finished softly. My breath caught.
“Oh please,” Kyle sniped, rolling his eyes.
Ms. Bard smiled. “That’s very nice, Josh. Claudia, won’t you share, dear?”
“Well, Josh is a really good singer. Kyle makes me feel special. And Hannah is my best friend,” Claudia said.
Say what? Best friends? How had I missed that? I smiled awkwardly at Claudia. Well. That only left my turn. “Okay,” I took a deep breath. “Kyle wrote a good show. Claudia constantly reminds me that I don’t know everything about myself. And Josh…seems like he really loves what he’s doing.”
Claudia beamed, but Josh looked disappointed. I was disappointed. But I didn’t even know what I was feeling for him anymore. I didn’t really want to share that with Kyle and Claudia and Ms. Bard as well.
“Remember to be here promptly at three-‐-thirty tomorrow afternoon. Mr. Reed will be here to start fitting you for your costumes,” Ms. Bard said before dismissing us.
Kyle and Claudia were already in a heated debate about something as they left the stage. Josh moved more slowly, almost matching me pace for pace. “That was interesting, huh?” he said.
“Oh, yeah, very,” I replied, willing him to give me some time to figure this out.
Josh grabbed his backpack from one of the auditorium seats and stood waiting for me. Ever since the night at McDuffy’s, Josh had stayed extra close to me, just sort of hovering at the edges. And even though I still wasn’t quite sure what I felt for him, I was grateful for his presence. Generally Kyle steered clear of me, but every once in awhile he’d give me a look that made my skin crawl.
Josh and I headed out to the parking lot quietly. Suddenly he asked, “How’s your leg?”
“Still hurts,” I shrugged.
Josh got quiet again, and part of me wished I could ask him what was wrong. We weren’t at that place in our friendship yet. We didn’t say anything else until we got to my car. And even then it was just a simple farewell. I watched him walk to his car with a tugging in my heart. I knew my crush had turned a corner and was heading into dangerous territory.
****
The next night was our sleepover for the girls in the cast. Ms.
Bard loved creating these sorts of bonding experiences, and in my previous years in the musical, the sleepovers had been fun. I was sort of grateful for the distraction from all the boy drama in my life.
Ms. Bard beamed as all the girls in the cast unrolled their sleeping bags in the choir room. I tried to position myself between Maggie and Kaylee, but somehow Claudia weaseled her way in between Maggie and me. It didn’t entirely surprise me since she’d made her revelation that I was her best friend in the world.
“I would never be caught having a sleepover with freshmen if this wasn’t a class assignment,” Claudia confided. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that this sleepover had nothing to do with drama class, and maybe I couldn’t blame her for not knowing that since she had just joined drama class at the semester break.
We’d all been asked to bring specific things for snacks and dinner, as well as random items that Ms. Bard had requested, even though I couldn’t fathom what we were going to do with most of them, like the spring-‐-loaded part of a toilet paper roll thingy.
There was pizza in the Commons when we finished setting up our beds. Ms. Bard had also organized our snack foods by color, which was an interesting approach. I sat down at a table with Kaylee and waited for Maggie to select her food. Maggie had some…issues with food selection. Everything she ate had to fit into the food pyramid proportion chart thing. She refused to go over or under those guidelines ever. It took her forever to calculate so she was constantly the last one eating. We all joked that it made her endearing, but really it made her slightly obnoxious.
When Maggie finally got her food all situated, and sat down with us, Kaylee said, “Okay, let’s rate the guys in the cast before the freshmen get a crack at it tonight.”
I snorted. “Yeah, because once the freshmen rank the guys it’s totally official.”
Maggie laughed too, but said, “Still it is fun to rank the guys.” That was all Kaylee needed by way of agreement to pull out her notebook with all the guys’ names listed. She spelled out her rating system (looks, personality, talent) and explained again how we would all average our ratings together for the ultimate rating.
“Let’s start with Kyle,” Kaylee said. “Looks?”
Maggie chewed her carrot stick thoughtfully. “On a scale of one to five, I would give him a three point five.”
“You can’t give half points,” Kaylee said with an exaggerated sigh. “It messes up the scoring process.”
“Fine, I give him a three,” Maggie said. “I can’t stand the way he dresses.”
“Really?” Kaylee asked. “I love the way he dresses. I give him a four. Hannah?”
Her voice had a sly wink wink nudge nudge quality to it. I still hadn’t told them what had happened at Kyle’s house.
Suddenly it was really hard for me to swallow my pizza. Finally, I said, “I give him a one.”
“What?” Kaylee’s shrill yelp caught the attention of several other tables, so she lowered her voice. “This is a new development.
When were you going to tell us that you didn’t like him anymore?”
I didn’t like the accusatory tone in her voice, but I tried to keep my voice steady. This was neither the time nor the place to get into what happened with Kyle. “I just found someone else who’s made me rethink some things, that’s all.”
Maggie nodded. “I told you she likes Josh.”
“No, I told you she likes Josh,” Kaylee argued. “I called that months ago.”
“Um, guys, it really is a recent development, and who says that I like Josh? It could be some random guy I met at work.” I took a bite of my pizza hoping that the conversation would end.
Maggie’s eyes widened. “You mean, it isn’t Josh?”
I laughed. “I didn’t say that either. Let’s just not talk about it right now, okay? I don’t want everyone in the cast knowing all my business.”
“Fair enough,” Kaylee nodded, shutting her notebook.
“We’ll continue this later when we have more privacy.”
“No, it’s okay, we can finish now,” I said.
Kaylee smiled in approval and flipped her notebook back open. I knew she didn’t want to stop. She lived for the guy ranking in the musical. We h
ad been doing this even before we were in the shows. The first time we did the ranking was at a slumber party in fourth grade, after Kaylee’s parents had taken us all to see the show. Our teacher’s daughter was the lead. It was incredible.
Kyle ended up with an overall ranking of three, his lowest ever, thanks to my newfound dislike of him. Josh ended up with a five. Even Kaylee and Maggie agreed that he was as close to perfect as you could find. I reminded them that even just a month ago, I wouldn’t have been giving him such a high rating. Maggie just grinned happily at me. Kaylee pointed out that the rankings were given in the present moment, and my argument was, therefore, irrelevant.
For Hayley’s sake, I made sure Mike got an overall score of four even though he and Kaylee couldn’t stand each other. We made our way through each of the guys in the cast, working from seniors down to the freshmen. When we got to Kevin, both Kaylee and Maggie grimaced, but I remembered his enthusiasm for the show. Due to my soft spot for Kevin, he got a three on our scale, which was virtually unheard of for a freshman.
Our rankings were purely for fun, but during our freshman year, Ms. Bard had overheard us and made it a part of our annual sleepover. I wondered what the guys did at their lock-‐-in. The guys refused to call it a sleepover, even though that’s exactly what it was. By the time dinner was over, we were full and giddy on our own silliness. The first activity of the evening was a weird relay race. Ms. Bard divided us into teams by grade, which left some of the teams wildly uneven. Ms. Bard said that the smaller teams could win easily if they just tried a little harder. Was this some weird way to teach us a life lesson? I couldn’t help but wonder.
The sophomores won hands down because there were so many of them. I hoped she wasn’t trying to teach us a lesson about the little guy winning if he just tried hard enough, because if that had been her intended message, she failed miserably. The relay had involved us grabbing weird items from our luggage or the pile she’d instructed us to bring and then racing up to her. We juniors had absolutely no chance whatsoever. Kaylee, Maggie, Claudia, and I had no motivation. And sometimes just for fun, we’d take up the wrong item just to see Ms. Bard’s exasperated expression as she sent us back to start over, which sent us all into a fit of giggles.