by Botts, Liz
I blushed. “Well, um, okay.”
Scintillating conversation, I know.
“How are you feeling?” Josh asked, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot.
I scooted over. “Do you want to sit down? I feel a lot better. I don’t think I’m contagious or anything.”
Josh was on my bed before I could blink. We sat side by side, but not quite touching. I tried to remind myself that we’d done this before on his bed. “I’m glad you’re feeling better,” he said. “Nice shirt.”
I blushed again, but laughed at the same time. “Shut up. You know you’re never getting this shirt back. I like to sleep in it.”
A strange look crossed Josh’s face, and if I had been in a romance novel, I would have said that his eyes darkened with desire. He cleared his throat. “Uh, good book?” He asked huskily.
“I’ll lend it to you when I’m done. Maybe you’ll be able to learn a thing or two,” I answered, surprising myself with my flirtation.
That made Josh laugh. “I brought cheesecake,” he announced, pulling two take away containers from the paper bag.
He handed me a fork. “I thought you could use some after a sick day.” My heart caught in my chest. Why was he so nice to me? I sure as heck didn’t deserve it, not after the cruddy way I’d thought about him and the nasty text I’d sent him. I took a bite of the cheesecake. It was heavenly. I sighed.
“I’m really sorry about the text,” I said, not daring to look at him. My cheesecake had never been so fascinating.
Josh put his hand on my knee to get my attention, and did it ever! The intimacy of the gesture and the fact that we were sitting on my bed nearly made me faint. I looked up at him, barely breathing.
“We didn’t rehearse the kiss,” he said, pointedly. I could barely nod, let alone talk, so he continued, “But don’t worry about the text. I get it.”
And he smiled and left it at that. My brain finally caught up with the conversation and suddenly went into hyper drive. What exactly did he get? What was he saying? Did he get how I felt about him? And if that was the case, did the fact that he wasn’t reciprocating mean he didn’t feel the same way? Was it possible I’d been wrong the whole time? Suddenly eating my cheesecake felt anything but appealing.
I was getting ready to put down the take away container when Josh held out his fork and said, “You have to try this.”
And he fed me a piece of his cheesecake, which happened to be tiramisu cheesecake, one of my absolute favorites. And that happened to be the exact moment when Mom walked by my bedroom door. She made a strange noise drawing both of our attention to her at once.
Josh cleared his throat and gave me a strange look, then said,
“Well, I think it’s time that I get going. Don’t want to be home too late. My mom might start to worry.”
“Oh, yeah, totally,” I swallowed, wondering if anyone else could hear the hammering of my heart. “Thanks for coming by.
And thanks for the cheesecake.”
Josh took my hand and gave it a little squeeze. “I’m just glad that you’re feeling better,” he said. “Will you be in school tomorrow?”
“Definitely.” I could barely breathe as he lingered a tiny bit longer, until Mom cleared her throat. “See you then, I guess.”
“Do you want me to pick you up?” We both knew he was dawdling, and Mom was getting impatient, but I couldn’t make myself care.
“That would be great.” I grinned.
“See you in the morning then,” Josh said, finally letting go of my hand.
“Bye.” I sighed happily.
“Nice to see you again, Dr. Brewster,” Josh said with a smile as he left my room.
Mom lingered in the door. I could tell she wanted to say something, so I waited. Finally, she said, “He’s a nice young man.
You care about him quite a bit, don’t you?”
I squirmed uncomfortably. “Yeah,” I mumbled. “I do.”
“Just be careful, sweetheart.” Mom sighed, turning to go.
That made me sort of mad, so I said, “You know, Mom, I’m not Harlow. Josh is a nice guy, and I’m a smart girl. I won’t do anything stupid.”
I left all of the stupid things I could do unsaid, sort of hanging thickly in the air between us. Mom looked slightly chastised. “I know you aren’t Harlow, sweetie, but it’s hard for your dad and I to let go of you girls.”
I sighed. “I get it. We’re your babies. And do you get that Harlow totally ruined your trust in us? Harlow makes crap choices.
I’ve seen her do it. But me and Hayley are good girls. We aren’t totally self-‐-centered. We care about this family. Hayley found a totally great guy, and I have too. But Josh and I aren’t even dating yet, so it might totally be a non-‐-issue.”
Stopping, I realized that Mom was giving me a weird look.
Maybe I’d said too much. That seemed to be a problem of mine lately. Instead, she started nodding. “You know,” she said thoughtfully, “I guess I hadn’t realized we were treating you girls the same. Because Dad and I really do trust you and Hayley. We trust Harlow too, but I suppose our expectations are different for her.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
Mom left and I got up and shut the door after her. I climbed back into bed with my romance novel, ready for more sexy silliness, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that Josh had come by with cheesecake. And he’d sat on my bed with me. I wondered if he would have kissed me if Mom hadn’t happened by at that exact moment. My phone vibrated as I sat contemplating kissing Josh. I picked it up expecting it to be Kaylee. It was from Josh instead.
Call me. I want to hear your voice.
I stared at the text. How do you respond to something like that? Not with a text obviously. Raw nerves erupted in my stomach, much to the delight of the carnivorous butterflies that had taken up residence there.
How had everything changed so much so fast? How had I fallen in love with Josh? Now every second of every day was consumed with thoughts of Josh, daydreaming about Josh, analyzing interactions with Josh. And I really suspected that Josh had similar feelings for me, but I was too scared to confess my own.
And he seemed to think that I was head over heels in love with Kyle, no matter how many times I told him I wasn’t.
The text beckoned me. Finally, I picked up the phone. My parents would frown upon me calling anyone this late. I mean, it was already after ten, but I rationalized that it was Josh’s cell phone. I wouldn’t be waking anyone else in his family.
“Hey,” Josh answered on the first ring. “I was hoping you’d call.” I giggled nervously. Being in love must be what caused girls to giggle like idiots. “You texted me.”
Way to state the obvious.
Wait. What? In love?
Josh laughed. “I just felt like talking to you.”
“Me too,” I said. “I mean, I felt like talking to you not me. If I wanted to talk to myself I wouldn’t call myself on the phone. That would just be silly. Not that I talk to myself or anything.”
“I think it’s cute that you talk to yourself,” Josh teased. I could actually hear the amusement in his voice.
I couldn’t think of anything to say, so brilliantly I said, “I can’t think of anything to say.”
Josh chuckled. At least I was entertaining him. “That’s okay,” he replied. “I just wanted to hear your voice before I went to bed. We don’t have to talk about anything in particular.”
I stifled a yawn. “I’d say that we could talk until I fell asleep, but if I snore, I’d be mortified for you to hear me.”
I think Josh held the phone away from his mouth so he could laugh again because I swear I heard snickering in the distance. “Are you laughing at me?” I huffed in mock annoyance.
This only made Josh laugh harder.
“I like that idea actually,” Josh said, his voice suddenly husky and thick. “Let’s talk until one of us falls asleep. Then whoever is still awake can just hang up. No one will hear any snori
ng.”
“Alright,” I agreed.
And so we did. We talked for over an hour about the play, about TV, about books, about food, about classes, about siblings, about everything we could think of. By eleven o’clock, I could barely keep my eyes open and I told Josh as much. I started to drift off when I heard Josh say good night very softly. I was almost completely asleep, but I thought I heard him say something else.
But I could have dreamed it. I thought I heard him say, “I love you”.
****
The next morning I was a ball of nerves as I waited for Josh to pick me up for school. I checked my hair three thousand times. I felt like such a girl. To be honest, I was more nervous about seeing Josh than the fact that today was our last dress rehearsal. I remembered to leave Mom and Dad a note reminding them about the rehearsal and about the fact that the cast was all going out to McDuffy’s afterwards.
Josh actually came to the door to get me. The thought had crossed my mind more than once that there was no possible way Josh was actually or normally this much of a gentleman, but if he was willing to do all this for me, then I must be really special.
When he shouldered my backpack, I thought he was too good to be true. Was this the same guy I berated for talking about skanky girls? Had he even really done that? And honestly, what was his flaw? That Achilles’ heel that made him human, real, accessible? I honestly didn’t know, and I wondered why on Earth he picked me.
We had an unremarkable ride to school. Josh gave no indication that he’d told me he loved me, so I decided that I dreamed it. And the school day was wildly unremarkable. By the time we got to the end of the day, my nerves had diminished and rehearsal was just as it had been. Kyle stopped the rehearsal dozens of times to explain more rewrites. There were so many changes that Ms. Bard finally had to make an executive decision that no changes would actually be made.
By the time we reached the big kiss scene, we were all exhausted from Kyle’s constant stop and go. So when Kyle jumped up and yelled cut right before Josh’s lips met mine, I wasn’t surprised. Instead, I just let Josh press his forehead into mine and we laughed softly at the absurdity of the situation.
After rehearsal, I decided to ride over to McDuffy’s with Kaylee and Maggie because I had barely done anything with them lately. Josh said that he understood, and that he’d see me there, but he seemed slightly disappointed. The slight drop in his smile actually made me feel really good. Not that he felt bad, but that he felt the insane need to be with me as much as I felt the need to be with him.
I climbed into the backseat listening to Kaylee and Maggie arguing about the merits of ordering a late meal or skipping it and going straight for the milkshake.
Suddenly Kaylee said, “I wanted to take Kyle’s script and shove it up his butt tonight.”
Maggie laughed and said, “I’m pretty sure you’d have had the full support of the orchestra. Ugh, he’s so annoying.”
“Try memorizing all of his crazy rewrites every day,” I added.
“Yeah, and you and Josh never have gotten to practice the medley scene in its entirety,” Maggie commented.
“Unless they’ve been practicing privately,” Kaylee piped up.
“Excuse me?” I asked.
“You guys have been spending a lot of time together, Just sayin’.” Kaylee giggled.
I gave an exasperated sigh. “Nothing is going on between us.” I looked out the window as the familiar landscape slipped by.
At least not yet.
“Sure,” Kaylee snickered. “Whatever you say.”
We sat together at the restaurant, and Josh arrived with a few of the other guys from the show. I tried to pretend not to notice that he came in, but my heart started to hammer and I wanted desperately for him to sit with us. He didn’t, and the disappointment I felt was a bitter pill of reality. I tried to pay attention to the conversation at our table, but I kept getting distracted by the waitress flirting with Josh.
I forced myself to listen to a rousing debate about the merits of spearmint-‐-flavored dental floss. Which is why I actually jumped when Josh appeared at beside me, touched my elbow, and said,
“Can I talk to you?”
I crumpled my napkin, and tossed it on my plate of half eaten fries. Giving Kaylee a few dollars and ignoring more than one pointed stare, I followed Josh out of the restaurant.
“Think they’re talking about us yet?” I grinned, as the cool night wrapped around us.
“They’ve been talking about us for months,” Josh replied, the seriousness in his eyes belying his light tone.
I swallowed hard. This was the moment. I mean, the moment.
Everything had been leading up to this point for months. My mind started to race. We were finally going to have the talk we’d been dancing around all week, and we were finally going to admit all our crazy, bottled up feelings. We might even finally get a chance to rehearse that kiss.
Josh hopped up on the hood of his car, and I followed. The cold from the metal seeped through my jeans, but I didn’t care. Josh reached out and folded his hand around mine. And then we sat there. Just sat there, staring up at the night sky, blissfully dotted with a yellow crescent moon and twinkly white stars. I leaned against Josh’s shoulder, trying to reason out some words to let him know how I felt.
“What do you think they’ve been saying?” I asked finally.
The knots in my stomach tightened.
Josh leaned his head against mine. His scent was intoxicating. That’s why I was never going to give him his baseball practice shirt back. “Do you really not know?” He murmured huskily.
My heart hammered in my chest. I shifted slightly so I could look up at him. “I know exactly what they’ve been saying,” I breathed.
I was having one of those moments of heightened consciousness, and in that moment I knew Josh was going to kiss me. After all these months of tension and dancing around our feelings, we were finally going to have our moment.
Just as Josh leaned in, a bunch of our cast mates came pouring out of the restaurant. Josh muttered a few choice words as he pressed his forehead to mine. “Can I give you a ride home?”
“Let me tell Kaylee,” I replied, squeezing his hand. Maybe we could still find our moment tonight.
I slid off the car and ran over to Kaylee and Maggie. “Josh is taking me home,” I said.
“Duh,” they chorused.
“Shut up,” I grumbled good-‐-naturedly. “Nobody asked you for your commentary.”
“Did he kiss you yet?” Maggie giggled.
“No, you all ruined our moment,” I said, pointedly.
“Hopefully we’ll be able to get that moment back.”
“Finally, the truth emerges,” Kaylee cracked.
“What are you talking about?” I sighed, impatient to get back to Josh.
“We’ve been waiting for you to admit you like Josh for months,” Maggie explained.
That’s when I realized I’d been neglecting my best friends this semester. I was spending tons of time with Josh and with Hayley, but not so much with my girls. They were both grinning at me so happily, though, that I knew everything was fine.
“Well, let me clue you in,” I said, walking slowly backward toward Josh. “We passed ‘like’ months ago.”
Maggie and Kaylee squee-‐-ed as I turned around and hurried back to Josh. Immediately his eyes started twinkling. “What’s that all about?”
“Oh you know,” I shrugged, carefully examining the chipped polish on my nails. “Girl talk.”
“Want to share some of that girl talk with me?” Josh lifted an eyebrow as his mouth quirked up at the corner. “I have a feeling that I’d like what you have to say.”
“I’m sure you would,” I said, smiling in what I hoped was a mysterious way.
Josh laughed and opened the car door for me. I climbed in and Josh leaned close to my ear. “I bet you gave them more to talk about.” “That’s a bet you’d win,” I said, my breath hitching as our e
yes met.
Josh backed up slightly, leaning on the car like he needed the support. “Let’s get you home,” he said. “We’ve got a big day tomorrow.”
As he shut the door, I let out an internal scream. When was this relationship going to happen? We were quiet as Josh drove me home, but comfortably so, and Josh held my hand the entire way.
The way his thumb traced little pictures on the back of my hand made me shiver with delight and pleasure.
I waited until he let me out. Then he walked me to the door.
The moment was there again, so perfect for a first kiss goodnight.
We stood there almost awkwardly, but not quite. We weren’t uncomfortable with each other, but we both knew we were waiting for Josh to make a move. I mean, I loved that he was a gentleman, but I was ready for this relationship.
And then, suddenly, he was leaning in and my eyes reflexively closed. Just as he was a hairbreadth away from my lips, our front door swung open, my eyes flew open, and Harlow stood in the pale light from the entryway looking angry. Josh sighed and gave me an apologetic smile.
He leaned close and whispered, “Tomorrow, I promise.”
He squeezed my hand and went back to his car. I watched until he turned the corner, then I pushed passed Harlow. “Thanks a lot,” I said.
“Hey,” she snapped, grabbing my arm. “You are totally ruining my life.”
I stopped, rolled my eyes, and said, “How exactly am I doing it this time?”
“Mom and Dad are going to see you in that stupid little show tomorrow night,” she replied.
“Uh-‐-huh, I know. It’s called opening night. Shouldn’t you know all about that?” I asked.
“Duh,” Harlow snapped. “Of course I know what opening night is. I’ve had dozens of them in my career. But if Mom and Dad come to see you, then they can’t come see me at open mic night at the student union.”
“Are you really having the nerve to compare my opening night to some dumb open mic night that you do every week? You are unbelievable!” I was yelling now. “If you were even a mildly decent human being you would be at my opening night supporting me. You suck at being a sister!”
With that, I stormed up the stairs, slamming my bedroom door behind me. I was too angry to even cry this time. Harlow had just crossed the invisible line that even I hadn’t known existed.