Sammy strokes my hair and pulls me closer to him. I’m so lucky to have him right now. I didn’t think he would stay. Not because of the man he is, but because I’m an emotional wreck. They all sit in silence while I’m crying, Sammy still stroking my head trying to get me to calm down.
“I’m going to go before I cause her to cry again, I never meant it like that, I promise. I didn’t know you forgot him.” I look up at Scott, and see his face has a devastated look on it. I know that he didn’t mean to make me cry and he didn’t. Talking about this has me crying.
“Apparently, the trauma of it sent my brain into protection mode, it made me forget him, well maybe forget is the wrong word, it made me not see him. I never meant to cause so much trouble, I just wanted to get better, I wanted to be able to be in my home without getting phone calls.” I feel the anger in the room, that’s a weird saying, but it’s true. I can feel it coming from them all.
“When did you get a phone call the first time?” Soph asks, I know she’s angry, but she kept her voice calm, trying not to upset me.
“The night I was raped, that was the first call.” I was scared out of my mind.
“What the fuck! I’m going to castrate the motherfucker. He’s dead! Tell me what happened Winter, what did that fucker say to you?” Sammy growls into my ear. I look up into his eyes, they’re full of rage, I see the emotion swirling around his bright blue eyes.
“It was just after I woke up the third time. I had only gone to bed three hours before. I had just finished cleaning myself up after vomiting when the phone rang, I answered it thinking there was an emergency, that something had happened to my family, I was so wrong. It was him.” I take a breath and tell them about the phone call. “He told me that things got out of hand, that it went too far, he lost control. That he never meant to hurt me.” I look at Soph who’s listening intently to me; she shakes her head in disgust at what I tell them.
“That fucking douche bag got out of control? I’ll show him out of control when I go for his balls.” I feel Sammy shift when Soph says she wants to take it out on his balls, I let out a tiny laugh that only Sammy hears and he tightens his arms around me.
“Damn Winter, I need you to laugh more. It’s fucking magical.” He kisses the top of my forehead. I melt on the inside. “Carry on, what else did the fucker say?” I curl up closer to him, loving the heat his body is giving to mine.
“He told me that if I told anyone that he had hurt me, then he would find out and hurt the people I love. He told me that if I told he would do the same to Maddie, I believed him. He also told me that I was his and that fucking me was the best fuck of his life, and he can’t wait to do it again. I hung up on him and took a knife from the kitchen and slept in the bathtub.” I’m shaking just remembering the tone of his voice, it was calm and collected almost as if he didn’t do anything wrong and was talking to a friend, I think that is what freaked me out the most. “That’s what my doctors believe is the reason why I ‘forgot’ him. They believe that the fear he instilled into me, was so pronounced that my body decided to block him in an effort to protect myself and the people I loved,” I tell them truthfully, and I’m glad that my voice doesn’t betray me. I’m coming across calm on the outside now. Whereas on the inside, my heart is racing and I feel sweat running down my back. Sammy buries his head into my shoulder and inhales.
“When Soph came home was when I lost it completely, I was drinking continuously, I may have gone only a few days without a drink before Soph came home.” I hate thinking of how I dealt with it, but I survived, and that is the main thing. “So the first day I saw Soph, I knew something had happened, her eyes they had so much pain in them, it was like looking in the mirror. So when I got a phone call that night reminding me not to tell, that Soph will also get hurt, I lost it. I couldn’t function. I had to tell someone, but I didn’t want anyone hurt so I drank myself into oblivion. I needed help, but I was afraid.
“Oh, hon. I’m so glad you told me when you did, seeing you like that. It broke my heart. But seeing you today, ready to fight and put this asshole behind bars. I have never been prouder. I love you with every inch of my heart. Thank you for telling me what happened.” My eyes start stinging and my throat closes, I know the tears are imminent.
“Thank you for saving me. I love you too. Thank you for listening to me.” I tell her something that I have been wanting to since the day she found out what happened to me. Sammy hugs me closer and then let’s go, and I jump up and run to Soph, embracing her. I don’t cry, I’m thankful though. I’m so fucking grateful to her, I honestly believe I would have died if she hadn’t helped me. Either from my own hand or from the alcohol. “It’s time to go home Soph, I’m going to be fine Sammy’s going to be here with me. Knowing you, you’ll be by tomorrow morning bright and early making sure I’m okay, and that I eat.” I say and watch as she smirks; I’m right she’ll be here in the morning.
“Okay, but you are right, I’ll be here tomorrow, I’ll even come to the station and sit in the waiting room, that way if you need me I’ll be there.” I love her so freaking much! I hug her again and go to Nathan, I can see at the corner of my eye that Soph is with Sammy.
“Don’t worry she won’t kill him. At least not yet anyway.” Nathan tells me, and I can’t help the giggle that bubbles from my lips. Nathan has a smile on his face.
“You were really brave tonight. You did good, just as you will tomorrow, we’re all only a call away if you need us. I’m not judging you, but from now on, anyone who threatens you, you come straight to us. Okay?” I nod, I know that he’s right, I was extremely vulnerable when he told me he would hurt them, I’m a different person now, yes he may have sent me running back home, but I’m determined now. I’m fighting back now. It’s time to reclaim my life.
I say goodbye to Nathan and Soph, but Scott hangs behind, he wants to say something. He didn’t leave, he realized that he hadn’t upset me, and he was welcome to stay. Sammy walks back into the living room leaving us alone.
“I feel fucking selfish even saying this, but I need to, I hate that you didn’t come to me, I hate that I wasn’t there for you, but what I hate even more was that you had to even go through any of this. I promise you Wints, this fucker won’t get a chance to hurt you again.” His eyes are wide almost as if he’s afraid.
“It’s not selfish, you’re just telling me what you think. I regret so fucking much, but not having a support system was the biggest one. I was afraid. I’m sorry.” He’s shaking his head, tears are falling down his face as he opens his arms up, I don’t hesitate, and I walk straight into them.
“Don’t be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for. I’ll be back in the morning, I know it’s a tough ask, but try and get some sleep.” I nod knowing sleep is going to be hard to come by, but knowing that I have so many amazing people around me is going to go along way.
“Night Wints, I’ll talk to you later. Call me if you need me okay?” I feel his arms tighten around me. I hug him back tighter as well.
“Night Scott.” I lean up and kiss his cheek. He leaves and now I’m alone with Sammy. For the first time in a long time, the panic doesn’t come, just happiness that someone I care about is with me.
Chapter Eight
Sam
Winter’s in bed, it’s been a long night, and there’s a very small part of me that wished I was at my place. The anger I felt was just as raw as it was when Winter told us what had happened. I want to break something; I want to let all this rage out.
She told us everything, yet I feel as though we only know half the story. What she must have gone through, I won’t ever presume I will know. How she managed to survive not only the assault but the aftermath as well? She’s amazing.
I feel my phone buzzing, I pull it out of my pocket and see its mom. I sigh, I really don’t have the patience to deal with her right now. Ever since I’ve been home, she’s turned into a bitter woman. I hate being around her sometimes, but I have to for Katelynn. I ignore the
buzzing and put the phone back into my pocket, I’ll call her in the morning on my way to work.
I’m meant to be going to London, Ryder has a meeting to set up the security for a business in London, I’m due to leave Tuesday, no return date as of yet. It’s not happening, the meeting will have to be postponed or someone will go in my place, there is no way that Soph will be going, and Oscar will be needed here since he is our computer expert, that leaves Ryder or Skye. I’ll talk to them once I get to work.
I’m lying on Winter’s sofa; my feet are hanging over the side. I doubt I’ll get any sleep, but as long as Winter’s safe, that’s the main thing. Her apartment is extremely sparse, there’s no personality showing at all. It looks like it’s a man’s apartment bare and unloved. It has me wondering if she has no plans on staying in New York.
I’ve been lying here for an hour when I hear whimpering and talking coming from Winter’s room. I’m on my feet in no time running to her bedroom, I push open the door, and I’m stopped dead in my tracks, I see Winter struggling in her bed, she’s whimpering and pleading for someone to stop, her foot shoots up. She’s reliving the rape. Her scream has me moving towards the bed calling her back to me.
“Winter, it’s Sam, you’re safe here. We’re in your apartment. He’s not here, it’s just me and you, you’re safe here.” I repeat this a few times before she finally opens her eyes, they’re shining with unshed tears, and I see fear with a mixture of shame. I want to kill someone for making her feel that way.
“Sweets, you’re safe,” I tell her and she nods and those tears that she managed to keep at bay finally start to fall, I want to hold her, but the flinches kill me every time I try. I know it’s not her fault.
“Want to talk about it?” I blurt out. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why on earth did I fucking ask that?
“This has been the worst nightmare I’ve had since those first few months after the attack. Usually, it’s fleeting memories or snippets of the attack, sometimes I get the whole attack with a few parts missing. But tonight, I was replaying everything. I’m sorry that you saw me like that, as I said it’s never usually this bad.” She says in a quiet voice like she’s ashamed she has these nightmares. Fuck that, she should never be ashamed.
“Winter, don’t ever be ashamed, I get having nightmares, we all get them, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Those nightmares prove you fought, that you’re still fighting.” Her eyes fly to mine when I tell I get having nightmares, she’s looking at me with curiosity.
“What are your nightmares about?” I knew she would ask, but she doesn’t know what happened to Soph, and I’m not going to be the one to tell her.
“My time in Afghanistan.” That’s all I tell her, and I hope she accepts that there are things I will never be able to tell her. I look at her and see she’s nodding at me.
“Okay, Sammy. I know from seeing Soph that what happened was bad, but I want you to know that I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk. I know you can’t tell me the details, but I’ll listen to you talk about nonsense instead.” She says with a small smile on her face, I know from conversations with Soph that talking nonsense is what they use to do when things were rough.
“Okay, I’ll talk nonsense whenever you want,” I say trying to relieve the tension, it works as she giggles.
“There is something I’ve been wondering about.” She says, and I’m curious.
“Oh yeah? What’s that?” I ask and she sits up and puts her back to the headboard, she pats the bed as an invitation for me to sit down.
“Soph told me you’re a joker that you live life to the fullest, that you enjoy life.” She has so much strength in her voice when she says it, I’m confused as hell, I don’t have a clue where she’s going with this.
“Yeah Winter, I do. I don’t see the point in letting life get you down, I believe we get one life and that we should enjoy it the most.” I answer her truthfully, she pulls her knees to her chest and lays her head on her knees, and she’s facing me.
“I haven’t seen you like that, I’ve only seen you intense and serious.” She murmurs as if she’s retreating. I don’t want her to withdraw. I want her to be able to say what she wants around me.
“Don’t do that, say what you need, don’t hide and retreat from me. I will always listen and answer you the best I can. As for being serious, well I need to, what you’re going through isn’t a joking matter, I can see your pain, and I want to help you, but I don’t know how.”
“I want you to be happy and relaxed. I want to see the joking side of you. I hate knowing that this isn’t you, that being around me is making you something you’re not.” I get it, she is wrong, but I understand where she is coming from.
“Sweets, listen to me. I’m like this because I care, if I didn’t then I would be joking and I’d be indifferent. I care so I’m intense and serious because I don’t want this fucker to hurt you anymore.” She tilts her head almost if she’s contemplating something.
“I can’t wait for this to be over. I want to know that he won’t be watching me, that he won’t be following me. That he won’t hurt anyone else. I want to be able to know that I’m safe, I want to be able to relax. I want you to relax. I want to see that side of you Sammy” I want that for her. I want her to be safe, no woman should feel unsafe. No woman should feel as though they are being watched.
“I promise you, Winter, you will feel safe, you will be able to relax, and that fucker isn’t going to be able to hurt anyone else, we are going to get him.” She looks skeptical. I get that, but I won’t stop until the fucker is either behind bars or six feet under, I’m not fussy, either way, is fine with me. I look at the clock and see its 3 AM.
“Come on, it’s 3, you should try and get some sleep, you’re going to need all the strength you can get for the morning.” She nods and lies down in the bed, I go to get up, but she grabs my arm.
“Can you, um -?” She darts her eyes away; she’s looking towards the bedroom door to the left of me.
“Sweets, what do you need?” We were doing so well; I don’t understand why she’s being shy all of a sudden. Then I hear her whispered question and realize how hard it must be for her.
“Can you stay with me until I fall asleep?” She sounds so scared.
“Sure, I’ll sit on the chair in the corner.” I go to get up again, and I’m yet again halted.
“Please just stay where you are. On top of the sheets. Please, Sammy.” The pleading tone in her voice is nothing compared to the pleading in her eyes. I do as she wants and sits back on the bed with my head against the headboard.
She smiles at me and snuggles deeper under the covers. Her arm is out and is close to my hand, I let her come to me as I don’t want to scare her away, I want her to be at ease with me and be able to touch me without hesitation. She gathers the courage and holds my hand, I wrap my fingers and clasp her hand.
I wake up, and when I feel eyes on me, I open mine and see Winter staring at me, it seems I feel asleep on her bed.
“Morning Sammy.” She says and yawns widely, which in turn makes me yawn.
“Morning Sweets, I didn’t mean to fall asleep here.” She nods and gets out of the bed and walks towards the bathroom.
“I slept all the way through, I’m not complaining. Thank you Sammy, for staying with me last night.” She stops as she speaks so I get up and walk over to her, she looks at me cautiously as I’m getting closer, I place my hands on her shoulders, she tenses but doesn’t flinch, and I pull her body into mine and hold her in my arms.
I’m so thankful right now, she feels at ease around me, she didn’t flinch when I touched her. I hold her tight, and she wraps her arms around my waist and buries her head into my chest. “You don’t ever have to thank me for staying with you. Now you go and have a shower, and I’ll start breakfast.” She nods into my chest but doesn’t let go of me, I squeeze her towards me, and she sighs. “You okay Winter?” She mumbles something that I can’t quite make out. I ask her to repea
t it.
“I didn’t think I would ever get to this stage. Being able to have you hold me.” I hold her tighter, I hate what she has been through, but she has come such a long way. I’m fucking proud of her.
“I told you, Sweets, we will get you where you want to be.” I give her one last squeeze, and she releases her grip on me, I kiss the top of her head, and I walk away. I go into the kitchen and start the coffee, realizing that I have no clue what she likes to eat. I hear the shower on, and I pack up the blanket and pillow that Winter had left for me to use last night. I leave them on the bed in her room and go back to the kitchen, I pour myself a cup of coffee and check my emails, I sort them out as well as make a note to talk to Ryder about someone else going to London.
My phone rings, I look at the screen and notice it’s my mom. I forgot about going to her place tomorrow. Damn I hate the thought of leaving Winter alone, especially after last night, but I haven’t seen Katelynn in a while and knowing mom she’s told Katelynn already, and she’s hyped up, and I can’t disappoint her. I sigh and answer the phone.
“Hey, mom. How are you?” I ask knowing I was a dick to her the last time we spoke.
“I’m good son, are you still coming tomorrow?” She says with a little weariness in her voice.
“Yeah mom, I’m still coming tomorrow, I miss my Buttercup, how is she?” I really do miss Katelynn; it’s been at least a month since I’ve seen her.
“She’s doing good, she misses you and her mom. That’s expected, she always asks when her mom is coming home. I don’t have it in me to tell her the truth.” Her breath hitches at the end. I fucking miss Laura, but she made her choice, a choice that we all have to live with.
“I’ll talk to her and try and explain the best I can.” How do you tell a four-year-old that their mom is gone because they were greedy and selfish?
“That will be good Samuel. How is work?” And just like that were away from the topic of Katelynn’s mother. We talk about work, and how she is getting on before we hang up, I tell her I will be there at 11 am. I just put my phone into my pocket when I notice a movement out of the corner of my eye. I turn and see Winter standing in the doorway between her bedroom and the living room.
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