Gamble on Love

by Michelle Monkou

  Denise tried to stop sniffling because she couldn’t quite hear her father. She wished her heart wouldn’t beat so loud. She wanted no one to move. “What did you say?”

  “I know about your mother. She told me when you girls were in college. We went to counseling for it.”

  “That’s why you don’t want Floyd at the anniversary.” Thea’s cheeks shone with her tears.

  Denise nodded. “Thea wanted to invite Floyd as a surprise for Dad so they could reconnect.”

  “No, I don’t want him here.” Her mother shook her head. “I wish that I could erase it all. I’m still working hard for your father’s forgiveness and now for yours. I can’t handle seeing Floyd.”

  “Would you all like to have a seat?” the therapist asked. “I think that you have managed to do my job for me.”

  Denise remained behind while everyone went to the living room. Now that she’d unburdened, she did feel lighter. But where to go from here? The stunning news that her father knew about his wife and brother’s affair showed how much he wanted to keep his family together. He had hidden his pain well.

  “I’ve tried to deal with your hurt and anger by buying you expensive gifts. Your own home. I didn’t know what I’d done to earn your anger.” Her mother stayed in the doorway. Growing up, she had seemed invincible and strong, full of feminist ideals. Now she appeared human, aging gracefully but vulnerable.

  Denise didn’t know how to respond.

  “I want to be your friend again.”

  Denise tried to say the right words of hope, reconciliation and forgiveness. Her mouth wouldn’t move. Her heart and brain warred between her intellectual stance and her purely emotional one. “I can’t stay. I feel as if I’m going to suffocate.” She ran past her mother, grabbed her car keys and headed for her car. She drove to Jaden’s and jumped out. “Please be home.” She sobbed hard as she banged on his door with her open hand.

  She fell into his arms when he opened the door.

  “Denise? What’s the matter?”

  She held his face and kissed him as if her life depended on it. If she held on to him like an anchor, she wouldn’t get sucked away in the blackness of her feelings. Her world had shifted under her feet and she didn’t like the feeling.

  “Just hold me.”

  “I’m holding you.”

  “Don’t let go.”

  “I won’t.”

  There she stood until her heart calmed down. They hadn’t moved from the doorway.

  “Guess we make a sight.”

  “Doesn’t matter. You’re here.” Jaden shut the door with his foot. “Whose butt do you want me to kick?”

  Denise laughed. “I’m a little embarrassed at my theatrics, but I need to escape.”

  “From?”

  “Family.”

  “Been there.”

  “But did you actually run crying from your house?”

  “No, but I think you deserve to enter and exit with flamboyance.” He stroked her head, pushing her hair from the side of face.

  She could only nod as his tender ministrations stirred something on the opposite spectrum from anger and rage. His words were barely intelligible as she focused on how his mouth formed the words and his Adam’s apple bobbed. She touched the thick, lean muscles of his neck leading up to his jaw. His jaw clenched and unclenched.

  She kissed his neck, following the path that her fingers had just made. His hand cupped the back of her head as his mouth ravaged her with soft kisses.

  He lifted her and headed up the stairs. She enjoyed being cradled against his chest. He placed her down onto his bed, but Denise didn’t want to let go.

  She pulled up his shirt, always looking forward to the view of his stomach muscles. Her fingers pressed along his muscles as if she were playing a piano, making him twitch. She grinned, letting her hands slide up the smooth wall of his chest muscles. She peppered the area with kisses and soft strokes of her tongue.

  He exhaled air with a loud hiss. He pulled off his shirt, providing her with better access. She showed her appreciation as she pulled him over her and wrapped her legs around his waist.

  “Are you using me?” he whispered in her ear.

  “Like a drug.”

  “What happens when you don’t get the same effect?” He unsnapped her bra and tossed it aside. He kissed each breast, blowing on the tips of her nipples. “I’m not sure I can handle rejection.” His tongue seared the tips before he covered each with his mouth.

  Denise arched in the direction of his mouth. “Nothing about you will be rejected.”

  “Are you up for the test?”

  She nodded. Then her hand stroked him. “I’d say that you are, too.”

  While she undressed, he readied himself with latex protection.

  “You have to make love to me until I say stop.” She lay back against the pillows, waiting to welcome him.

  Jaden lowered himself, sliding into the warmth between her legs. He set the rhythm with long, slow strokes, coaxing her body’s surrender. She wanted all of him. Subtly she raised her hips to ensure deeper pleasure.

  His body slowly rubbing against hers flooded her entire being with sexual energy. There was no rush. No harried motion to get to an unknown place. Together they moved toward that peak that they had experienced as one.

  His hands explored her body, grasping and releasing her hips.

  “I’m ready,” she moaned.

  He grunted.

  She shifted her hips and increased the motion, urging him to move toward the peak with every ounce of energy. They moved without pausing, holding on to each other, pushing forward, always forward to the point where all senses were on overload.

  In a tangle of arms and legs, with her throat parched, eyes closed against any light, she leapt into the abyss as her body spasmed along with Jaden’s in a tingling plummet.

  There they fell until they landed in reality on the bed. Denise held on to Jaden until she trusted herself to let go.

  As much as she wanted to, Denise didn’t stay at Jaden’s for the night. She had run from her feelings. Even after Jaden had made love to her, she couldn’t pretend that the previous events of the tumultuous evening hadn’t occurred.

  She entered her house. A lone light was on in the family room. A note was stuck on the refrigerator.

  She pulled it from the magnet and read it.

  Sis, call me when you’re ready.

  A noise behind her startled her.

  “Thea, what are you doing here?”

  “I wrote the note, then decided to hang around. I fell asleep on the sofa.” She yawned and stretched. “Do you have anything to drink?”

  “Root beer should be in the fridge. Help your self.” Tension pooled in her body. She felt herself go on guard.

  Thea opened the fridge and pulled out a can. “Want one?”

  “Sure.” Denise took it from her and headed to the family room. She took a seat and waited for Thea to follow.

  “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

  “How could I tell you? I couldn’t grasp what I’d seen and certainly didn’t want to deal with it afterward. Even now, with all the revelations of today, I can’t give you a rational thought on all of this.”

  Thea pulled up her knees and rested her chin. “Mom was pretty upset.”

  Denise picked at her nails. “Did Dad stay with her?”

  “Yes, he gave her a sedative and then they left. Actually, Sasha was able to calm her. But I know that your witnessing everything hit her.”

  “Do you forgive her?” Denise didn’t care if her question was fair.

  “I’m shocked and hurt. But I think that seeing her hurt and Dad holding her in his arms and his face full of pain, I can’t turn my back on her.” Thea wiped away a tear.

  “I wasn’t asking you to do that.” Denise was irritated that Thea could go on as if nothing had happened. Yet she understood what her sister had said.

  “Are you willing to meet with Sasha?”

 
; “I’m not the one with issues.”

  “But maybe your other problem, the gambling, could be resolved.”

  “Back off, Thea.” Denise hated anyone focusing attention on her problem. She wished she could bury her head and not have to deal with that burden around her neck.

  Thea unfolded her legs and stood. “I’m going to head home now. But I want to give you Sasha’s number. If you call her, great. If you don’t, it’s your call.” She walked over and hugged Denise.

  Denise hugged her back.

  “I want to celebrate the anniversary no matter what.” Thea looked at her. Her younger sister, whom she had casually dismissed so many times before, now showed an inner strength. She was willing to challenge her for something she believed in.

  “I agree.”

  “However, I will honor your request to leave Uncle Floyd out of it. I know that Mom isn’t ready to see him.”

  Denise nodded. She didn’t have Thea’s sweet nature to allow Floyd back into her life.

  “Sis, I love you.” Thea grabbed her by her arms and gently shook her. “I’ve always looked up to you. And I will continue to do so.”

  Denise lowered her head onto her chest. Her sobs came out muted. “I love you, too, li’l sis.”

  Chapter 9

  Denise sat in the therapist’s office, questioning the step she was about to make. She’d never followed Thea’s advice on anything. But remaining stuck with her anger and hurt didn’t make sense. Feeling vulnerable scared her, but she didn’t want to be a coward. Not anymore.

  The therapist welcomed her, giving her the time needed to get comfortable. She asked many preliminary questions that Denise expected. At first, Denise tried to analyze the reason for the questions, but Sasha didn’t reveal any significant emotion over Denise’s one-word answers or her detailed explanations.

  “Your resistance is pretty strong.” Sasha’s strong accent distracted her.

  Her therapist belonged in a movie with Ingrid Bergman or with her daughter, Isabella Rossellini. Denise hoped that she hadn’t bought into the Hollywood mindset that everyone needed a therapist. The trend was expensive and fairly intrusive. Sasha’s sculpted face, long black hair—possibly a weave—and kick-ass olive tan advertised the benefits of listening to neurotic people.

  “I shouldn’t be so cynical about this. Guess I’m here for miracles. But I’ll settle for a character makeover.” Denise sat in a comfortable chair, glad to see that the classic, typical couch was nowhere in sight.

  “I don’t make things happen unless you want them to occur. I guide you, showing you options, warning you of the pitfalls, maybe revealing choices that you’d never considered.” Sasha opened her black book and waited with pen poised over the blank page. Her round eyes, vivid blue, blinked with an owl-like wisdom. “Tell me what is holding you back? Real or perceived.”

  Denise took a deep breath. “I’m a gambler. Yet I haven’t had the urge to play with chance nor have I thrown away hard-earned money for a long time. But usually something stressful triggers the urge.” She told Sasha about the last public humiliation. “Jaden came along and took me out of there before I made a bigger fool of myself.” Denise’s face warmed with embarrassment. Jaden may have brushed off her behavior, but the humiliation still resonated.

  “Jaden is your boyfriend?”

  “Jaden is one of the reasons that I’m here. I’m unable to return his feelings. Well, not unable, but scared. This fear is crippling me. I can’t be this broken person for him to fix. I want to be whole.”

  “Perfection is noble.”

  “But not realistic, I know. I want to commit to him, but I’m afraid that I won’t live up to it.” She pinched the bridge of her nose. “My mother certainly didn’t.” Her teeth clenched after the angry statement.

  “And there’s the root that has colored your outlook.”

  Denise nodded. The root in her life had turned ugly and rotten. Instead of inspiring and nourishing whatever emotions grew within her, this foreign body corrupted.

  “You expected perfection from your mother. You expect it from your father, stepfather and even Thea. But your mother tumbled off that pedestal. Right now, she’s not trying to climb back on. She wants to meet you eye to eye.”

  “She lied.” Denise glared at Sasha, as if she didn’t understand. “She took away something that should be natural between mother and daughter. I want things to be normal again. I really do. But when I see her, I see that night.” She closed her eyes to tell her story but quickly reopened them to avoid the mental picture. “Floyd, my stepfather’s brother, is nothing to me. And that won’t change.”

  “And I can’t erase your memory. Nor can you go back to the way things were. You tell her how you feel. You write how you feel. But at some point you have to turn the page and agree not to reach back and pull the anger and hurt from the past. Or you will be stuck. You will become bitter. You will use it as an excuse to keep your heart closed. Closed not only to her, but to everyone around you. Even Jaden.”

  Sasha’s words and meaning scared her.

  “And you’ve got to be prepared to put in the time to heal and even reprogram your brain, like judging, prioritizing, understanding your worth.”

  “I know.” Denise refrained from telling her that she wanted the express version of therapy. Her time to rehabilitate to deal with the next phase of her relationship with Jaden was almost upon her. She didn’t know if she had the courage to take that chance.

  Jaden pulled up in front of his parents’ house. He hadn’t called ahead, and he hoped that they would be home. Nothing like a summer rain shower to accentuate the possible outcome of this trip home. He shut off the wipers, and within seconds the deluge of water blurred his windshield. Lights were on in the house, but he couldn’t discern if his father came to the window to investigate the noise of the car.

  “Where’s Mom?” he asked his father when he entered the house.

  “She’s out on the back porch, repotting several plants.”

  “Tell her to come in. I’ve got a surprise for you both.”

  His father’s expression changed, looking wary, before he headed off to get his wife.

  Jaden made sure that his father had gone through the house before signaling back to his car. Calvin ran through the rain, ineffectively holding a newspaper over his head. They both had to flick off the water since they hadn’t bothered to use umbrellas. Jaden heard his parents’ approaching footsteps. He stepped aside.

  “Surprise!”

  Calvin stepped in between Jaden and his parents with outstretched arms. Jaden had to admit that his brother looked one hundred percent better. The pallor of alcoholism had vanished. His frame was still too thin, but he didn’t look as if he was being consumed from within. Despite the sharp contours of his face, his younger brother had resumed some measure of his attractiveness.

  “Calvin.” His mother hugged him. She repeated his name, touching his face, as if she couldn’t believe that he was in her house. “Let’s go to the kitchen.”

  “Good to see you, son.” His father also took his turn to hug Calvin. The old man’s lips disappeared as he bit down, struggling to keep emotions in check.

  His mother kept patting her heart. “Are you here for a while?”

  “Yes and no, Mom. I’m done with my program. I still have to go to weekly meetings because the demons aren’t completely gone. I know that I have a sickness that is with me for life.” Calvin paused and looked over to Jaden.

  Jaden gave him the thumbs-up, knowing that what his brother would reveal might not be met with enthusiastic support. As a matter of fact, he expected a fight.

  Calvin, with his hands stuck in his pockets, shoulders hunched, continued, “I have a couple great job offers in Florida. I’m considering them.”

  “Oh, no.” His mother froze. “You can’t think about leaving us. You just got back.” Jaden reached out for his mother, but she squirmed away.

  “You knew this. Calvin needs to be home.” She
shook her head, looking defeated. “You knew this and didn’t tell me.”

  Jaden didn’t mind the dramatics. He was used to his mother doing whatever necessary to motivate any one of the men in the house to do what she wanted. But this time, she seemed older, a little more bent over, a little slower in her walk. She wasn’t the little ball of energy that he was accustomed to and had taken for granted. He signaled to Calvin to continue.

  “I interviewed to be an assistant football coach for an after-school program. I’ve found an apartment. You know, it’s time for me to be on my own and do some growing up. I like living out there, not under anyone’s shadow.” He raised his hands. “No offense.”

  “None taken.” Their father hugged his son.

  Jaden relaxed and hoped that his parents would also follow suit.

  “I’m glad to see that you’ve got a plan. When do you start?” his father asked.

  “Next Monday.”

  “That means you’re only here for four days,” their mother wailed, but a stern look from their father and she suppressed any further protest. “Well, I’m going to cook some food and put it in containers so you can have home-cooked food. You look a little skinny.”

  Everyone laughed, a release from the tension that had formed like a thundercloud to match the weather.

  Jaden looked at Calvin, happy for the temporary respite to victory. His mother, busy with her new tasks, had the opportunity to feel needed. His father had glimpses of the old Calvin as they retreated to the den to catch up. Jaden knew better than to think the storm had run its course. The chance of relapse was strong in this early stage, when stress could trigger his craving. Florida, he hoped, would reveal its fountain of youth to his little brother, Calvin.

  After dinner and more conversation, Jaden readied to leave. The farewell turned into crying, hearty good-luck statements and a large measure of hope.

  Jaden followed Calvin to the car. Calvin used to be the one to follow in Jaden’s footsteps. He had marched forward, taking it for granted that Calvin would keep up. Now, as his brother walked with an air of uncertainty, Jaden found himself with the now-natural tendency to stay close behind him, prepared for the fall.