Savage Love

by Jodi Woody

  The last few lines were written dark and large, showing the emotion behind the words. Samantha had no tears left. But she grieved for the hurting man who only wanted to love someone and be loved back. He had married a woman that had closed herself off to that love stupidly thinking that real love always had a corresponding intimacy. She finally realized how much he loved her and that he had been struggling with it all as much as she had. If they only could have been honest with each other, how different things could have been. Her sleep that night was a dreamless sleep of one whose mind was too frazzled to even dream.

  Sunday she did not go to church, but stayed in bed feeling ill and depressed. Finally she was able to fully grieve over Richard’s death in a way that her bitterness had not allowed her to before. It hadn’t even been a year since his death and so much had happened. She was feeling guilty for her new found feelings shared with Daffyd and agonized over the whole situation. After much soul searching, she finally called Daffyd.

  “Hey, Beautiful, I tried calling you last night,” said Daffyd as he answered the phone.

  “I know. I am sorry I didn’t pick up, but things were pretty hairy over here,” she explained.

  “Are you ok? You sound like you’ve been crying, is everything good with Seanna?” he asked.

  “Seanna is fine…Daffyd, there is something I have to talk to you about, and I need you to just let me say it all without any interruptions. Can you do that?” she asked.

  “Samantha what’s up?” he asked concerned.

  “Can you do that Daffyd?” she asked again.

  “Yeah, just tell me…what’s wrong?”

  “Well I have spent the last day reading a journal that belonged to Richard. The new owners of the store found it and thought that I might want to have it. I almost wish that it had stayed lost forever…anyway, Daffyd, I need some time to think, and I need you to let me have that time without phone calls or letters. I’m really confused right now and I can’t trust my own feelings,” she said.

  “Samantha, what are you talking about?” he asked.

  “I just found out that Richard loved me,” she whispered.

  “Of course he did, Samantha, you already knew that,” Daffyd reminded her.

  “No, Daffyd, he really loved me. I cheated him out of a happy marriage all because of my doubts and fears! Because I had some warped sense of what love was supposed to be, I never saw the real love that he had for me! How can I trust myself to love again?”

  “Samantha, just calm down. Let’s talk about this. You’re just going through a hard time right now because of the new information…” he said trying to calm her down.

  “Daffyd, please…I just need you to leave me alone for awhile. I can’t keep doing this…whatever we are doing…I need some time to think,” she said crying into the phone.

  “Ok, Samantha, I’ll give you some time. In a few days you’ll feel better and you will see this all differently. You just call me whenever you are ready and I’ll be here. Ok?” he said.

  “Goodbye, Daffyd.”

  The phone went dead and Daffyd sat there feeling like the carpet had just been pulled out from under him. He thought of calling Seanna but didn’t want to worry the girl. You’ll just have to be patient…and pray.

  Chapter 19

  The Storm Tossed Ship

  Daffyd stayed true to his word and gave Samantha her space. October rolled into November, and by then Daffyd had spent hours praying to a God that he wasn’t sure was even listening. He went through all the motions that he remembered as a child, and he made it to every Church service. He even asked Trisha and Leal to pray for the situation. Finally in mid November he received a letter from Samantha.

  Dear Daffyd,

  Let me begin by saying that these past few weeks have been some of the hardest in my life, but I have finally come to a decision concerning the two of us. Thank you for allowing me to work through this on my own. I do still care for you more than you can ever know, but I see no future for us. Though we have confessed mutual care and affection for one another, we did not at any time profess to love one another. I spent fifteen years in a relationship with a man who loved me deeply and through my misunderstanding I made both of our lives miserable. I am in no way ready to begin or to carry on a serious relationship again. Because of my strong feelings for you, I also feel that I can’t ever just ‘be friends’. I ask that you remember me fondly, but that you go on with your life without me in it, just as I will be making my way here without you. Please do not try to convince me otherwise, my mind is made up. I ask you, please, not to call or to contact me. It would only make this all harder on both of us.

  I will forever keep you in my prayers,

  Samantha

  Daffyd sat in shock for a long time before he reread the letter. He had waited all this time and she made her decision without even talking it over with him. She had made herself perfectly clear. She had no time for a sick man with too many problems, and she was just plain afraid! Soon he was out of bed looking for his phone. Of course she never answered but he left her a message.

  Samantha, I totally disagree with you! So you have made up your mind. Well what about your heart? If you cared so much then you should at least have the decency to talk to me about it! So much for your loving God…once again He has let me down!

  As soon as he hung up the phone he threw it across the room and watched it hit the big ship picture, the phone and the glass shattering into pieces. It didn’t take long for Trisha to come rushing in asking what was wrong. She found Daffyd on the floor sobbing and saw the remains of the picture and the phone scattered across the floor. When she tried to help him, he only yelled at her to leave him alone. Quietly she left him there and went to find her husband.

  When Samantha got the message, she almost didn’t listen to it, but against her better judgment she played it back. After hearing the hurt and anger in his voice she only felt numb. This should have been a warning to her, but she allowed her heart to harden even more. She just couldn’t deal with it. It was time that she got on with her life and left all love out of the equation. All I have ever done is make a mess of my life, and ruin other, by my bad choices. I will not ruin another life. Daffyd is young. He’ll fall in love with some beautiful young woman and forget all about me.

  Trisha and Leal left Daffyd alone for several hours, praying together. They had seen his hold on his new found hope slacken over the past few weeks. They agreed that his supposed life change in the area of religion was just that…religion. Though they had hoped for a complete surrender and a desire for a relationship with God, they only had proof of someone ‘playing Church’. Not knowing what had set Daffyd off all they could do is pray for God’s will. Leal was the one who finally peeked into Daffyd’s room. He was sitting in the dark by the window.

  “Daffyd, can I come in?” he asked.

  “Is Trish with you?”

  “Yes, she’s right here,” Leal answered.

  “You can come in, but tell Trish I’m fine. I really don’t want to see her right now.”

  Trisha heard every word and just gave her husband a pat on the arm as he entered the room. He turned on the light after he had shut the door and he could see the scraps of plastic and hardware scattered across the carpet. Daffyd looked haggard. He sat down on the chair opposite the small table in front of the door.

  “What’s all this about?” he asked motioning to the mess.

  “It was either shatter the phone…or do something I’d regret. Phones are cheap,” Daffyd answered.

  “I meant, why, Daffyd.”

  “I just snapped. You know I have been giving Samantha some time to work out some new issues with her husband’s death and she finally sent me a letter today. It was the big write off! She’s done, and you know what, so am I! I’m done! I don’t care if I ever get better, I don’t care if I ever see her again, and I don’t care about the God you all keep telling me about. I have lost everything that ever mattered to me, and now he has t
aken her away too. I AM DONE.”

  “Daffyd, man, I am sorry. You’re upset right now, but give it some time. God isn’t the one who had done all of this…” Leal tried to explain.

  “I don’t want to hear it! From now on, we go back to the way things were before the Sheppard girls ever came. No preaching, no praying and no church. I mean it. If you two can’t do that, then leave. I’m going to go and take a long hot bath. Ask Trish to clean this mess up for me. Then I’d like something to eat,” he ordered.

  “You’re the boss...” said Leal sadly.

  “Let’s all try and remember that,” said Daffyd as Leal walked out the door.

  Leal went down and conveyed it all to his wife, who calmly went to work making a light dinner for Daffyd and set it on a tray. They both went upstairs and quickly cleaned up the mess and let Daffyd know through the closed bathroom door that his dinner was on the table. He didn’t answer, so being a little worried; Trisha knocked softly and called his name.

  “I heard you,” came the terse reply.

  “Ok, if you need us we’ll be down stairs,” Trisha volunteered.

  By the time they got back down stairs Trisha was crying. Leal took his wife into his arms and they stood at the bottom of the stairs for a while, just holding each other. Trisha was the one to pull away, wiping her face on her sleeves. She looked up into Leal’s concerned face and knew what they had to do. “It’s time isn’t it?” she asked.

  “Yes, I think it is, Honey,” he agreed.

  “Well, I’ll call the hospital and see if they can get someone down here to take care of him. I guess I better call Bryce as well and let him know what is going on. That boy has been through enough. I hate to abandon him now,” she said sadly.

  “You know we’ve discussed this all with him before. He knows that the time would come when our time here would be over. We had all hoped that it would be because he’d be healed in body and spirit, but we also discussed the possibility of us needing to leave if that wasn’t happening. We can’t help him anymore, Trisha, other than through our prayers. Let’s take a couple of days to take care of everything. Then how do you feel about going to stay with Grandma Sally for a while?” he asked.

  “I think I’d like that, Leal. She is just what we need right now,” she said as she reached up and kissed her husband.

  Chapter 20

  I Now Am Found

  Samantha settled into her life again and went on as if nothing had changed. She taught school, came home to her empty house and after a little cleaning and a little food she would read for hours until she would finally feel sleepy enough to go to bed. During the day, or whenever she talked to her daughter, she put on the old familiar mask, telling the world that all was well. But at night, especially when the house was so still and quiet, she would let it slip. She had lost weight and was beginning for the first time in her life to look her age.

  The first week of December, Seanna would be home for her winter break. She got a whole month off from school. Samantha was so looking forward to seeing her, but she dreaded it just the same. She didn’t want her daughter to see what her life had become, or worse yet to feel sorry for her and refuse to go back to school. She had decorated the house and done some baking forcing herself to at least make the effort to behave like the holidays meant something to her. Finally Seanna was home. She was shocked to see how tired and ragged her mother looked. But she had not bought into the fake happiness that her mother had tried to convey on the phone.

  Bryce and Seanna had stayed in touch and he had updated her on the fact that Daffyd had pretty much given up on everything, and that Leal and Trisha had left. The two of them had agreed not to mention it to her mother for now. Seanna knew that her mother could easily be motivated by pity, and though that was an admirable thing, it wasn’t a good basis for a love relationship. They also both agreed that the two adults in their lives were stupid. So Seanna ignored the signs of depression, and didn’t mention Montana at all.

  Two weeks before Christmas, Seanna was on the phone with Bryce. He was finally at his uncles after visiting with his grandparents for a week. For the first time ever Bryce sounded scared. She had heard him mad, irritated, and sometimes even a little despondent, but never afraid.

  “Bryce, what’s going on?” she asked.

  “I just called Trisha and Leal and asked them to come back as soon as possible. I can’t handle this all by myself. Sea, things are a mess here, a real mess,” he rambled.

  “Slow down. What’s a mess?” she said.

  “When I got here the house was so quiet. There is some kind of a nurse here, but she’s weird and she’s not much older than you. Apparently she knew I was coming. As soon as I got here I went looking for Daffyd. She met me on the stairs and ushered me back down and asked if she could talk to me. She proceeded to tell me that Uncle Daffyd didn’t have much longer and that she worked for an organization that helped people with their passing. She also said that Uncle Daffyd didn’t want to take me away from school, so they hadn’t called me. Then it really started getting weird, she put her hand on my leg and told me that she was there for the whole family, not just the person who was dying. It was creepy, Sea, it made me feel like I had just had a snake slither over me. So I just got up and practically ran upstairs. When I got in Daffyd’s room…” Bryce broke down in tears and couldn’t continue.

  “Bryce, it’s ok. It’s all gonna be ok,” Seanna soothed.

  “Sea, you wouldn’t believe it. The place smelled of medicine and…I don’t know…disease. The room was dark and I could barely see Daffyd. I was just getting ready to turn on the lights when that woman came in and stopped me. She said the lights bothered his eyes. She turned a lamp on over on the other side of the room so I could at least see him. I thought he was dead, that I was too late…” he had to stop again, “It’s awful. He is so out of it, he didn’t even know I was there. I had to leave the room. She followed me out and handed me this book that’s supposed to help me let go so Uncle Daffyd can become one with the universe or some kind of crap like that. Sea, can you come? I don’t have anyone else. I know I should call Gran and Gramps, but I can’t have them come with all of this mess. I need my Little Sis,” he begged.

  “Look, Bryce, I’ll figure something out. Are Leal and Trisha on their way?” she asked.

  “They said they’d drive straight through,” he answered.

  “Ok, you just hang tight. I’ll be there come hell or high water. Love you Big Bro.”

  “Thanks, Sea!” he said sounding relieved.

  Seanna quickly concocted a plan and went online and purchased two airline tickets for the next morning. During her first week of school, Daffyd had sent her a credit card and told her to use it whenever she needed to. She hadn’t felt right about spending his money, but today she was so thankful that she had it. Next she went to find her mom, praying as she went.

  “You’re sure that Daffyd won’t be there?” Samantha asked.

  “Mom, you already asked me that three times. He is in the hospital for some new treatment. He has to stay there for a full thirty days under constant watch. Come on, Mom, I told you that Trisha and Leal went to see his Grandma Sally for the holidays and Bryce is up there all alone. He begged,” Seanna was only half lying.

  “And he bought the tickets already? That wasn’t very smart, but I hate to waste money…” Samantha reasoned. “Ok, but I am telling you, Seanna, this doesn’t change a thing. I will not be going to the hospital to visit Daffyd…You said he is doing well, right?”

  “Yep, he’s doing great. He won’t be home until after the first week of January. He wanted to do it some other time, but that was the only time available for the specialist,” Seanna continued in her plot, asking God to forgive her lies.

  “Then we better get packed up if we leave in the morning. And we only stay for one week. I want to be in our own home for Christmas, and if Bryce doesn’t want to be alone, he can come back here with us,” said Samantha.

  “T
hanks Mom! You’re the best!” squealed Seanna as she practically picked her mom up in a bear hug.

  “Get going you,” laughed Samantha almost feeling like herself again.

  Shortly after three in the afternoon the next day the girls got off the plane, and Samantha was totally caught off guard when Trisha and Leal met them at the airport. Trisha promised to explain everything on the way, but warned that it was starting to snow again and that they should get on the road. Leal grabbed their bags and ushered them all out to the four wheel drive SUV. Samantha felt like she was being hijacked and new that something was not right. As soon as they left the parking lot she cornered her daughter.

  “I thought you said that Leal and Trisha were visiting Leal’s grandmother,” she said.

  “Bryce called and asked us to come back. He’s in some kind of trouble. We just got off the plane ourselves about forty-five minutes ago and he asked us to wait and pick the two of you up as well,” Trisha explained.

  “What kind of trouble?” asked Samantha.

  “He’s having some spiritual trouble and said he needed some prayer warriors,” answered Leal quickly, “I guess he’s getting four of them!”

  “I think it has something to do with a girl,” said Seanna staying as close to the truth as she dared.