Gate Crashers

by Patrick S. Tomlinson

  Schee clicked a claw. “It was most fascinating to our anthropologists, but quite alarming to everyone else. We have watched your world for many centuries. It was assumed by most historians that the development of a global communication network would tame your thirst for conflict and elevate your consciousness, as it had for so many other races. But instead of unifying your world, your species divided into ever smaller, more extreme, more ignorant groups.”

  The Fenax took its turn. “It is really quite remarkable your race has come as far as it has when one considers that two-thirds of your efforts and resources have been spent fighting among yourselves.”

  Allison put her hands on her hips. “I think that’s an exaggeration.”

  “It isn’t. We’ve done economic studies.”

  “All right, whatever. We’ve matured into a multisystem race.”

  “Whose colonies were, until recently, remote enough to make war logistically impractical. But now that you have broken through the light barrier, how long will it be before you start killing one another again?”

  “We won’t. The buoy, the discovery of other sentients, it’s going to change everything. People always rally around a common cause. Now that we know we’re not alone, we won’t have to fight among ourselves.” Allison watched the inference spread across the faces of the alien representatives like a viral video involving kittens. Unfortunately, there are no mulligans in diplomacy.

  “That didn’t come out right. What I meant was—”

  Just as Allison started to backpedal like she was running the Tour de France in reverse, a low and powerful sound filled the chamber, like an attempt to crossbreed an earthquake to a thunderstorm.

  “The Pillar’s collapsing!” Maximus exclaimed.

  “Not at all,” Bloon said reassuringly. “You are listening to Rolled Down the Valley without Cracking’s voice.”

  “What’re they saying?” Allison was nearly shouting to be heard over the rumbling.

  “We must wait until they’ve finished for the linguistic computer to translate at our speed.”

  The sound went on for several minutes, creeping up from the floor and vibrating through their bones. As suddenly as it had come on, the sound ceased, and quiet returned to the chamber. Everyone waited in earnest to hear what timeless insights were about to be gifted to them. Finally, the computer finished its task and repeated the words of the Grenic representative in a toneless, synthetic voice.

  “Excuse me, but you’re sitting on my head.”

  CHAPTER 43

  Felix shook off the bone-jarring chill left over from the transfer booth and ran toward Jacqueline in the waiting shuttle. He passed the TSA officers and, taking advantage of their cultural naïveté, flipped them a double bird. He dove headlong into the All-Seal and glided through the tube, flipping midway to land feetfirst against the shuttle’s outer hatch.

  “Jackie, it’s Felix. Open up!”

  The hatch clicked and swung inward. Jacqueline’s face greeted him from inside the hull. “Where are the others?”

  “They’re still talking to the Assembly, but we have to leave right now.”

  “We can’t abandon them here.”

  “We aren’t abandoning them. Listen, Ridgeway sent me back alone because a warship is about to hit Earth. I have to get to a QER and warn the people back home.”

  “Well, why doesn’t the Assembly just use one of theirs and recall it?”

  “They don’t know the QER exists. I have no idea how, but we beat them to it. Which is why we can’t just radio over instructions. They might get intercepted.”

  Jacqueline slid into the pilot’s chair. “Secure the hatch.”

  Felix did as he was asked, then strapped into the copilot’s seat. Jacqueline’s hands danced over the console as the shuttle came out of its nap. Maneuvering thrusters fired to clear them from the transfer station, but nothing happened. Jacqueline fired them again, without result.

  “We aren’t moving.”

  Felix craned around to look through the starboard portals. “The All-Seal hasn’t disengaged. We’re still attached to the station.”

  Jacqueline frowned and threw the main engine throttle levers through the windshield. The shuttle fought like a hooked fish, then tore away with a great popping sound and accelerated away from the transfer station. “Not anymore we’re not. Do you care which ship we go to?”

  “No, whichever is closer. I have to get Jeffery or the professor on the line as soon as possible. The faster we warn them, the more people can be evacuated before the hammer falls.”

  “Didn’t you say it was just one ship? Shouldn’t we try to fight them?”

  “With what? Bucephalus is the only warship we have, and it’s out here. Earth doesn’t have any space-based weapons because they’ve been illegal for centuries. The only thing we’ve got that even resembles a weapon is the Asteroid Deflection Grid, and that system’s lasers need a decade of warning just to divert a rock.”

  Jacqueline looked straight ahead, concentrating on flying, weaving around the tangle of civilian ships queued up behind them for their turn at the transfer station. “How bad is it going to be?”

  “I’ve been trying not to think about it, but it’s going to be devastating. Earth’s surface is going to be wiped clean. It’s unlikely that there will be any survivors among anyone still dirt-side when the attack happens.” Felix started ticking off the compounding disasters with his fingers. “The planet’s infrastructure will be lost. The debris field will probably destroy all the habitats and mining operations in low Earth orbit as well. All of the space elevator stations out at geosync will come untethered and fly away.”

  Jacqueline was near tears while Felix went on with his cataclysmic laundry list. “What about your home?”

  “New Detroit?” Felix stared at the ceiling for a moment as the scenario ran through his brain. “Actually, the moon should be okay. The debris shouldn’t have enough energy to make escape velocity, at least not very much of it. The Earth is going to lose some mass into hyperspace, but not enough for the moon to break free of her gravity. No, the orbit will get a bit bigger, but that’s about it.”

  Jacqueline forced a smile. “I’m happy about that, Felix. Really, I am. There’s no reason we should all have to lose our homes, our families.”

  “It’s not the end, Jackie. The Mars settlements are self-sustaining, and we have dozens of colony worlds. We can rebuild.”

  Felix waited for a reply for a long time, but decided it was best to leave Jacqueline to her thoughts, when she blurted out a question.

  “What about the Unicycle?”

  “It’s a million clicks out at the L1 Lagrange point. They’ll have to adjust its position a bit to account for Earth’s lost mass, but it’ll be fine.”

  The survival of the Unicycle was a small consolation, but it would mean that Sol wouldn’t lose its transportation hub. Ships could still ride the beam into and out of the system while the recovery effort was—

  Suddenly, Felix’s face erupted into a smile bright enough to light up a runway. He released his harness, stood up, and kissed Jacqueline full on the lips.

  Jacqueline blushed. “Thanks, but what was that for?”

  “Jackie, you just saved Earth!” Felix’s arms Muppet-flailed so hard his hands hit the ceiling.

  “That’s wonderful. How?”

  “The Unicycle. At full power and pointed at something in Earth’s orbit, it’ll be like using a mining laser to burn an ant. Nothing—I mean, nothing—can live through a focused thirty-terawatt particle beam from that close. It’s practically point-blank range.”

  He leaned back in to kiss her again, but she placed a finger over his puckered lips.

  “That’s wonderful, Felix, and we’ll celebrate properly later. But right now, I have to fly.”

  CHAPTER 44

  Eugene waited impatiently for the elevator to reach the QER center basement level. It was just after three in the morning when Kiefer had screened to let him kn
ow Felix wanted to talk. Whatever it was, it had to be important, because he specifically refused to talk to anyone but Eugene or Jeffery.

  For weeks, Eugene had dreaded a call like this one. Ever since Magellan and Bucephalus had discovered the plot against Earth, everyone involved in the ARTists project had been walking around on burning coals. Word about the crisis and the threat posed to Earth had leaked out almost immediately. Some secrets are simply impossible to keep.

  Neither was there anything they could do about the situation. Stuck on Earth, the best they could do was offer guidance and moral support to their people in the fight. They were too far removed from the action for anything else. Eugene had never felt more impotent in his entire life, not even when he’d needed the little blue pills.

  Now, Felix was calling in the dead of night, with a message too important to share with anyone except the two people on Earth he trusted most. It probably wasn’t to wish happy birthday to a cousin.

  Finally, the elevator chimed and the door slid open. Eugene stepped into the white hallway and strode forward at a healthy pace. At the far end was the marine Mk VII android that had replaced the familiar Mk VI two months before.

  However, standing at parade ground attention against the wall opposite the android were two other figures Eugene didn’t recognize. As he came closer, he realized that the pair, a man and a woman, looked simply terrible. Their clothes were wrinkled, hair greasy, their eyes sunken, and the man’s face hadn’t seen a razor in days. They gave off a general aura of being freshly plucked from a lifeboat after two harrowing weeks fighting off sharks and eating seagulls.

  Something clicked in the back of Eugene’s brain, and he realized he was staring at the two new recruits they’d hired to work in the QER center.

  “What the hell happened to you two?”

  “Oh. Hello, Administrator Graham,” said the disheveled man. “We’re doing our initiation.”

  “Initiation?”

  “Yes, Dr. Kiefer said we were to remain standing out here for four days and four nights without sleep or food to prove our commitment.”

  “Four days? Are you kidding?”

  “No, sir.” The man leaned forward and whispered, “But if I’m perfectly honest, we both had to run and use the restroom on the second day. I hope that won’t count against us.”

  Eugene rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn’t seeing things. “So you’re telling me that you were ordered to stand in a hallway for four days by a crazy-haired man with an abacus around his neck?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “And that didn’t seem unusual to you?”

  “Yes, sir, but this is the Stack. Everything here seems unusual.”

  Eugene raised a finger, but realized he couldn’t argue the point. “Initiation’s over; you passed. Both of you go home and get some sleep. Come back when you wake up. Understood?”

  “Yes, thank you, sir.”

  The recruits shambled down the hallway, drunk with sleep deprivation. Eugene went through the heavy double doors and emerged into the stillness and hum of hundreds of running QER machines. Then came the booming voice.

  “Who dares defile the inner—”

  Eugene was in no mood for the older man’s antics. “Stuff a sock in it, Kiefer. As soon as I’m done with this call, you and I are going to have a little talk about hazing the new hires.”

  Eugene headed off in the direction of Magellan’s sister QER units. The trip was much shorter than it had been, as the upgraded machines they had installed a few months ago were among the newest units in the center. He arrived, and after the biometric scanners were satisfied he wasn’t an imposter, he called up the holo-menu and connected the call.

  “Felix, are you there? It’s Eugene.”

  “Thank goodness. I’ve been on hold for twenty minutes.”

  “I was in my office. You know how big this place—”

  “No time, sir. Things have gone sour out here.”

  “What happened?”

  “The retaliatory strike against Earth we were trying to head off was launched before we even arrived.”

  Eugene’s heart sank through the carpet, into the next basement level. “How long?”

  “Imminent. Could be any moment.”

  “Wait, why don’t they just recall—”

  “Everyone asks that. They don’t have QERs, Professor. The strike force is too far out for their hyperspace radio to reach in time.”

  “Then I have to go now. We have to start evacuating the surface and all of our LEO habitats.”

  “Yes, do that. But here’s the deal. I’ve been thinking—”

  Oh, this should be good.

  “—and I believe we can use the Unicycle to destroy any ship in position to attack Earth.”

  “The Unicycle?”

  “Yes. It’s just a huge particle cannon. And we’ve learned that the attacking force consists of a single ship.”

  “Just one? That’s crazy.”

  “Not crazy, just overconfident. I’ve seen it for myself. They don’t consider us equals. They’ve consistently underestimated our capabilities. We’ve already destroyed one Turemok ship. We can do it again.”

  “How? The Unicycle was built to shoot at ships that are trying to be hit. Hitting something with stealth is going to be almost impossible.”

  “I’ve already thought of that. The attacker will only be five light-seconds out. That’s point-blank range. Secondly, the target’ll be even closer to Earth, so you can use the QER to feed Lemieux real-time targeting solutions from sensor stations on the surface. But if you’re going to have time to set it up, you need to get on the horn with Lemieux right now.”

  Eugene’s heart returned to its proper place in his chest. They had a chance. Slim, but real.

  “Don’t worry, Felix. I’m on it.”

  “I know you are, old friend. Fletcher out.”

  The call disconnected, and Eugene spun around to run to the Unicycle’s sister machine. He was still spinning on his heel when he heard the pop. Before he knew what the sound was, a violent jolt of painful spasms erupted across the left side of his body. Muscles frozen, he fell to the floor with a mighty crash.

  In a moment of terror, Eugene realized he’d been tased. Unable to move a muscle, his head was fixed toward the far wall. To his horror, he saw the table that had previously been covered by a velvet sheet. Sitting on top of it, illuminated by the flicker of candles, was a sculpture that looked suspiciously like two fire extinguishers joined at the neck; a buoy idol.

  Oh, shit. They’ve gone off the deep end.

  Through the agony and spasms, Eugene heard the voice of the Keeper addressing his minions.

  “Gather round, my brothers, and bear witness to prophecy. Soon, we chosen few shall ascend the mountain to claim our reward. For, at long last, the Day of Due Consideration is at hand.”

  Eugene found enough strength to shout. “What the hell are you doing?”

  “Bugger it! How are you still awake? It was s’pposed to knock you out.”

  “Tasers don’t cause unconsciousness, you moron. How did you sneak that thing in here anyway?”

  “It always works in the vids.” The Keeper picked up a candelabra from a nearby shelf. “Sorry ’bout all this. But we can’t ’ave you muckin’ about on our big day, can we?” He hefted the candelabra over his head, the little beads of his abacus jingling.

  “No, wait!”

  The blow fell, and Eugene’s world was swallowed by black.

  * * *

  “Forgive the interruption, Kumer-Vel, but we are about to reach the Earth system.”

  Ja’kel, standing atop his brother Grote’s shoulders, looked down upon the aide with the disdainful indifference that only came with noble birth, or years of careful rehearsal. The brothers hadn’t learned this aide’s name. There seemed little need. Surely, there was a factory somewhere that spat them out.

  “Very well. Alert the bridge I will arrive shortly.”

  “Immediately
, Kumer-Vel.” The aide bowed low enough to make a contortionist envious, and backed out of the room. The door slid shut behind him.

  “Are you excited yet, brother?” Ja’kel asked.

  A somewhat muffled affirmative came from mid-cloak.

  “As am I, but do you suppose we are moving too quickly? Suppose we had let the ruse continue to a few inhabited planets? With enough panic, the Assembly would have been begging us to enforce martial law to guard against the ‘human terrorists.’ From there, our coup against the Assembly hierarchy would be much simpler.”

  A considered reply followed several moments later, but it was muted beyond reckoning.

  “I suppose you’re right. More time, more planets, more to go wrong. Better to carry smaller boulders up a longer path, eh? Still, after tonight, there will be one fewer threat to the Turemok’s ultimate ascension. That will suffice for now.”

  With well-rehearsed cues, Ja’kel’s toes signaled Grote to start walking toward the bridge of the largest warship in Assembly space.

  CHAPTER 45

  Eugene’s eyes opened as his world slowly rematerialized. He strained to focus, but rows of parallel objects in the dim light made it very difficult, like focusing on a chain-link fence from a few centimeters away.

  With dread, he realized his limbs were bound. His head swam through the throbbing pain as he turned to look at his right hand. The wrist was tied with insulated electrical wire. He was tied in a crucifix position, the wire digging into his skin. He stood up to take the weight off his strained arms. Feeling returned to his hands after a moment.

  The delicate hum of machines dispelled the mystery of his surroundings. He was still in the Stack’s QER center, tied to the tool racks. The rest of the story flooded back to him.