Finding Forever (Living Again #4)

by L. L. Collins

  Lacey stood, staring at the picture on the wall above the couch, when she heard the door open behind her. Taking in a sharp breath, she turned around to see not one, but two women entering the room. She immediately started shaking, and she held her hands together in front of her to try to stop it. All that succeeded in doing was making her whole body start chattering, so she sat down on the couch.

  “Lacey Russell, I’m Dr. Stevens and this is Dr. Christianson.” She watched as they both sat in the chairs across from the couch, facing her. Her entire life rested in the words these two women were about to say. She wished for Brant’s soothing, strong hand holding hers, but knew that wasn’t possible.

  “We have your results,” Dr. Christianson said, her face impassive. Trying to read their expressions and body language was killing her, and she just wanted to scream ‘TELL ME’.

  Dr. Stevens reached over and took Lacey’s hands in hers. Her heart rate accelerated as she looked at the doctor. “We’re sorry, Lacey. You have cancer in your left breast. We’ve also talked to Dr. Blaise, and she extends her apologies as well. We have a list of surgeons that are recommended to contact next. You’ll need to do that immediately. Dr. Blaise recommends the one circled in red. Dr. Christianson is a counselor if you feel that you need to talk.”

  Lacey blinked, the words bouncing around her brain like ping pong balls. The world spun on its axis, and she closed her eyes against the onslaught of panic that was flowing through her veins. She said it. This wasn’t a nightmare anymore; it was reality. She had cancer.

  “Is there anyone we can call for you?” Dr. Christianson said softly, leaning forward. Lacey shook her head, unable to make anything come out of her mouth. Who in the hell would she call? Why would she want to ruin anyone else’s day?

  “Good luck, Lacey,” she continued. “The treatment plans are the best they’ve ever been.” Lacey stared at her like she had just grown three heads. She had cancer. Breast cancer. She was going to die. Dr. Christianson was talking, but all she could see was her mouth moving. Her throat started closing up, and she started gasping for air. Her lungs were burning, and her heart was racing.

  She stood up, wanting to get the hell out of there as fast as she possibly could. The room swayed, and her eyes were blurry. She felt their arms on her, but she flung them off, running for the door with the paper in her hand of the person going to cut the cancer from her body.

  When she reached the car, she collapsed on the ground next to her door, her body convulsing. She cried so hard that no sound came from her mouth; a gasping sob that physically hurt. Why in the hell was life so cruel? Wasn’t it enough that she had lost her mother to this awful disease? Wasn’t that enough punishment to go through in one lifetime? Now that she had someone she loved in her life, of course it would happen now.

  Lacey heard her phone ringing off the hook, one call after another, and she knew it had to be him. He had a sixth sense when it came to her, and she wanted nothing more than to run into his arms and have him take it away. But nothing would take this away. She was sick. She could die. At the very least she had months of treatment to endure, and years of worry.

  She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to stop the choking sobs from consuming her. Lacey felt the bile coming up her throat, and she scrambled for the grass and lost the contents of her stomach repeatedly until there was nothing left. She. Had. Breast. Cancer. She had to get out of here, away from this office that would forever mark the day she got the news that her life as she knew it was over.

  She stumbled down the path to the water, amazed she made it there at all. She was pretty sure that driving from the office to here hadn’t been a good idea, especially since she didn’t remember it. Her stomach cramped again, but she knew she had nothing left in there.

  Practically throwing herself on the bank, she gripped the sloped grass in her fists as the tears continued down her face, soaking through her shirt. She wailed, not caring who was around or what they thought, fisting grass and throwing it into the water. This wasn’t going to be her life now. This was a bad dream she was going to wake up from at any second.

  Flashes of her mom infiltrated her thoughts. She remembered her groaning from sickness thanks to the poison they gave her to keep her alive, and Lacey having to soothe her with ice chips and cool washcloths. She remembered her crawling up the stairs because her joints hurt too much to walk, and the agony of having to wait to see ‘if they got it all this time’. She couldn’t do this. She wasn’t strong enough to endure it.

  Life was full of irony. Ironic that until this year, Lacey had refused to get close to anyone, and here she was a month after meeting Brant, diagnosed with the very thing that kept her from wanting to be close to anyone in the first place. She had just graduated and gotten the job she had always wanted. Her life was good. Now, it was shit.

  “Why do you hate me?” she screamed at the sky. The sun, traitorous in its own beauty, was setting into the horizon, oblivious that her entire life had crashed down around her. She had learned the hard way that this is the way life worked. People got sick and died, and the world kept going. Even if one person’s whole world ceased to exist, the rest of the world moved on just like nothing ever happened.

  Lacey rested her head on her knees, exhaustion seeping into her bones. She thought back to the night Brant had stayed the night. She had felt so safe in his arms, and waking up with him next to her had made her happier than she could ever remember. But that memory was going to have to be enough, because she wouldn’t put him through this.

  She heard footsteps behind her, but she kept her head down, not caring who saw her like this. Hopefully most people would be heading out of the park area soon and she could sit here by herself and watch the rest of the sunset take away her last shred of hope to have a normal life. When she felt them getting closer to her instead of farther away, she froze, listening. She hadn’t picked the spot where she normally sat, not wanting to upset her mother with what was happening to her. That spot was her sacred spot; she didn’t need to sully it with the disease that was her.

  Her breath caught as she felt someone next to her, and she peeked up from in between her arms, hoping it was just a curious child that would run back to their mom or dad. She stumbled back, trying but failing to get to her feet as a sob ripped out of her mouth.

  “Lacey,” he grabbed her and pulled her back. She fought, wanting to get as far away from him as she could. No. She couldn’t do this. He either let go or she won, and she took off running. “Lacey! Stop!”

  She couldn’t stop. Tears blinded her and she choked, forcing her to stop and gag into the bushes. She had to go. Forcing her feet to move, they gave up and she collapsed, sobbing uncontrollably.

  He picked her up and pulled her onto his lap, rocking her back and forth as he murmured her name into her hair. “I’m here, Lacey. It’s going to be okay.”

  She had no words to tell him that no, nothing was ever going to be okay again, so she did the exact opposite of what she knew she should do: she held on to him as if her life depended on it.

  At some point, he picked her up and carried her to his truck and she rocked against the door all the way back to her house, the tears still pouring from her eyes like a faucet. She wanted to sleep and never wake up. Brant walked with her directly to her bathroom, where he sat her on the edge of the tub as he removed her shoes, then her pants. She didn’t even care that he was undressing her, and he didn’t say a word. She knew he had no idea what had happened, unless he really was a mind reader, but he just reached into the shower and turned on the water like it was a regular day.

  Sophie and Maggie stood at the door to the bathroom, watching them but not moving closer. She knew she must look like a complete train wreck, and was momentarily embarrassed that he was seeing her like this. She had so many questions. How did he find her, why was he here, why did he want to take care of someone that was such a disaster. But instead she watched him, her body still shuddering from all of the tears she
had shed over the last several hours.

  His phone rang and she watched as he looked over at her, then put the phone to his ear.

  “I’ve got her,” he said. “I have no damn idea. She’s a wreck. Yes, please. Give me like an hour.” He hung up, tossing his phone onto the counter. She couldn’t even ask who that was. It was like her body was there, but she was somewhere else, floating above the scene, watching.

  He kneeled next to her, unbuttoning her shirt and pushing it gently off her shoulders. If she could feel anything right now, she would love the gentleness he was using on her. But everything caused her pain, and she whimpered involuntarily at his hands on her.

  Tears shimmered in his eyes, and she knew that the man hadn’t cried since he was ten. She found herself wondering what in the hell would make tears be in his eyes now. She wasn’t worth it. She was just a disease now.

  “Lacey. Doc, look at me, please. Can you tell me what happened? Did someone hurt you?” Someone hurt her alright, but not in the way he was thinking. She had been hurt in the worst possible way: the kind that no one could take away.

  She shook her head no, the tears starting all over again. He lifted her up, kissing her gently on the cheek. “Don’t cry, baby. Come on, let’s get you in the shower.” He opened the door and stepped in, fully clothed. He put her under the stream of water and she closed her eyes, wishing that she could wash down the drain with the water.

  He let go of her for a moment to grab the shampoo behind him, and she slunk to the floor, the water beating down her back as she shook, gasping sobs taking her over. She had no idea how she had anything left in her. Brant dropped down next to her in the shower, the water running down both of their faces. “Whatever it is, Lacey. I don’t care. I love you. Do you hear me? I. Love. You. I’ve wanted to tell you ever since the night I spent here, if not before then. You’re it for me, Doc. It’s you. Just you.”

  She forced her eyes open, even though she could barely see. He loved her? Oh, God. She couldn’t go through this with him. She was going to destroy him. Why did he love her? No one was supposed to love her. “Brant,” she choked out, the first word she had spoken in hours. Her throat felt like it had been ripped open. He wiped the water off her face as she fought to make her mouth say the words for the first time.

  “Lacey,” he whispered. “I’m here.”

  She reached out and put her hands over his, willing the words to just come out. They were just words. Nothing could hurt her worse than what was already inside her. “I have cancer.”

  His mouth dropped and his eyes widened. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “No.” She wished saying no would take it away. “Lacey. Oh, my god.” He pulled her onto his lap, rocking her back and forth as he whispered words she couldn’t understand. It took her a few moments to realize that his body was shaking, and when she pulled back, she saw tears streaking down his face. Lacey shook her head.

  “Don’t cry for me,” she choked out.

  “I love you,” he said in response, touching her swollen face with his fingers. “God, I love you.” He pressed his lips against hers, and she tasted his tears, mixed with hers. She broke him, just like she knew she would.

  She had cancer. Lacey Russell, his beautiful, funny doctor, had cancer. When he had started calling her today and she didn’t answer, at first he hadn’t thought much about it. Until he got a feeling in the pit of his stomach that wouldn’t go away, and he had to find her.

  He had checked work first. Chloe had said she had left at lunchtime and hadn’t returned. He went to the gym, to her house, and finally resorted to calling Sam. She had been in studio all day and hadn’t heard from Lacey. She called Aubrey, who said she hadn’t heard from her sister in days. It was then that he drove to the river and saw her car. What he had found there, he hadn’t been prepared for.

  At first, he had thought that someone had attacked her, the way she was hugging herself and crying hysterically. But he knew it had to be more than that. He had felt that Lacey had been hiding something for quite a while, so putting two and two together meant that she had found something out. He honestly never expected her to say she had cancer. What he did know was that this diagnosis was her absolute worst nightmare. Then he remembered the dream. She had been dreaming about it because she was about to be diagnosed and she knew it. She had lied to him. Why would she do that? He already knew that answer. She thought lying to him would keep him from being hurt. It was too late for that. He wasn’t going anywhere.

  Seeing her the way she had been for the last two hours had rocked him to his very core. Now she was curled into him, her hair wet from the shower he had tried to give her. He had gotten her into a pair of pajamas and he had changed into a pair of clothes he kept in the car for the gym. She hadn’t said another word since the admission in the shower. Her body still shuddered involuntarily. He had a million questions, but none that he could ask. Sam and Aubrey would probably arrive at any time; he couldn’t have kept them away. Sam had called when he had her in the bathroom, frantic with worry. He knew Lacey wasn’t in any condition to have a house full of people, but she needed her family, and that was them.

  The front door flung open. “Lacey?” It was Sam.

  “Back here,” he answered. Sam ran into the room, a handsome man behind her.

  She dropped on her knees in front of Lacey, tears already filling her eyes. “What happened?”

  Brant looked from her to the man standing behind her. “Brant, this is Ellis, my husband. Is she okay?”

  He shook Ellis’ hand, then turned his attention back to Sam. “It’s for her to tell you.” She turned her attention back to Lacey, who reached her hand out to grip Sam’s.

  “Lace,” she begged. “Talk to me, honey.”

  He watched as Lacey sat up, then slid down to the floor next to Sam. Ellis walked around the other side and sat on the couch, his hand on Lacey’s shoulder. She wrapped herself around her best friend, the sobs starting again.

  “Sam,” she cried, gasping in between crying. Sam’s eyes flew up to his, then over to her husbands. She held on to her, tears coursing down her cheeks at the sound of Lacey’s anguished cries. Brant wished he could save her from this, but there was not a damn thing he could do other than show her he was here. It felt like lead had settled in his stomach. Why did things like this happen to great people?

  “I have cancer,” she repeated for the second time tonight, and hearing her say those words again made tears flood his eyes. He didn’t even care anymore about what his father said. He was wrong. Crying didn’t make him a sissy. It showed he was destroyed over the woman he loved. He would cry every drop out of his body if it would make her better.

  Sam put her hands over her mouth as her body began shaking. Ellis crouched down next to her, wrapping both of the women in his arms. His eyes met Brant’s over their heads and they nodded at each other, a silent understanding that this had just bonded them, even though they didn’t know each other at all.

  “I can’t believe this,” Sam murmured, pacing back and forth. Aubrey had arrived shortly after Lacey told Sam, and the scene for the few hours after that had been one Brant would never forget. He had never known anyone that had cancer, especially not someone his own age.

  Lacey hadn’t been able to say a whole lot, but what they did get from her was that she had a tumor in her left breast. She had no idea what her treatment was going to be or what the prognosis was. She had a name of a surgeon she was supposed to call. It was the middle of the night at this point, and Lacey had passed out not long ago, her body so ravaged that it just gave up.

  Aubrey looked down at her sleeping sister, then up at Brant. “Thank you for finding her. My god, I can’t believe she went through all of this herself. She never told anyone.”

  “I knew she had to get another mammogram a few weeks ago,” Brant said. “But she told me afterwards that it had just been a fluke, that all was fine. I can’t believe she lied.”

  “That’s Lacey,” Sam said. “She di
dn’t think you signed up for this, so she let you think she was fine. Was she backing away, trying to put you off after that?”

  Brant nodded. “I knew something was up, but I had no clue that it could be this serious. Last week, we fell asleep here one night and she asked me to stay. In the middle of the night, she was talking in her sleep, having a nightmare. She said something about cancer, but when I questioned her on it, she said it was probably about her mom. I was so dumb. I should’ve figured it out.”

  “She was trying to keep her distance from all of us,” Aubrey said. “In her mind, that means that it would hurt us less to find out that she had cancer. Instead of having us be her support system, which everyone in this room would love to do, she made the decision to keep us in the dark. I can’t believe she went through all of this stress, and the diagnosis, without us.”

  “She didn’t know how to handle it,” Sam said. “Which is why she’s been the way she has been tonight. Not that she wouldn’t have been upset anyway, but with someone there for her, she could’ve felt like she wasn’t alone. Thank God you found her, Brant. I have no doubt she’d still be out by that river right now.”

  “I knew something was really wrong. It’s just a feeling I get about her.”

  Sam smiled, walking over and hugging him. “She’s it for you, isn’t she?”

  Brant looked back at Lacey, his heart both swelling and breaking at the same time. “I love her. I’m going to be here for her through this, no matter what.”

  Sam nodded. “I was right about you.”

  “She’s going to push us all,” Aubrey announced. “She’ll say she doesn’t want us around, that she can do this herself. We all make a pact, right here, that we don’t let her push us away. She’s our family.”

  They all nodded, making a silent agreement that Lacey Russell might be a fighter, but she wasn’t fighting alone.