Finding Forever (Living Again #4)

by L. L. Collins

  “You say that,” Lacey sobbed. “But what if I can’t ever give you children? What if I die after this, or in five years when it comes back? What then, Brant?”

  He didn’t answer, and she immediately felt sorry for starting it again. She always did this when she got scared. Leaning over, she wiped the tears from his eyes and leaned her forehead against his. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry, Lace,” he murmured. “However many days I get to love you, I will. And even after both of us are no longer living, I’ll still love you. Now, come on. Since you’ve done half of it, let me help you finish.”

  She stood, and they walked back into the bathroom. “Sit on the edge of the tub. That’ll make it easier for me to reach and for you so you can rest.”

  Lacey sat down, closing her eyes as Brant turned the razor back on. She kept her eyes closed as he spent the next several minutes finishing cutting off all of her hair. They didn’t say a word the whole time. When she felt the last piece drop to the floor, she blinked her eyes open and looked at herself. She gasped, not able to believe that was her. Her hands came up automatically to her head, and she felt her scalp only for the first time in her life. She looked down at the floor, the tile covered with layer after layer of her long hair. It was so strange to see it all there. One more shred of her dignity was laying all over the bathroom floor.

  Her eyes met Brant’s and they held each other’s gaze; no words were needed. He reached out and touched her now bare head, leaning over and kissing it gently.

  “What?” Brant hissed into the phone. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” He wanted to laugh at the irony, but he was too shocked.

  “Not kidding,” his agent Angela said. He could hear her beaming. “They called me this morning and want you here next week. It’s for a cover, Brant. This is not just a big break; this is huge!”

  “How? Just how?”

  “She said something about seeing your work and being impressed, then she heard about you through the other mags from Sam’s benefit so she decided to make you an offer. And the offer is fabulous, Brant. Not only are you on the cover, but they’re going to do a two page spread on you in the same issue.”

  Sam’s benefit had gotten him this exposure? No way. He couldn’t believe this.

  “Angela, I can’t even think. This is beyond fabulous.”

  “You don’t need to think, Brant! This is amazing! Just say you’ll be in New York next week! Oh, and get to the gym. You need to be in tip-top shape!”

  Brant’s head was spinning. GQ had called his agent. They wanted him for a cover. He chuckled inside at the fact that he could be on the cover of the very magazine that Lacey got his nickname from.

  Lacey. She was about to do her fourth chemotherapy treatment, and it was very close to Christmas. Thanksgiving had been a wonderful event at Lacey’s house, including both of their families and all of their friends. Even though Lacey hadn’t been up for eating much, seeing the smile on her face had made his day. He knew she would want him to go. But could he really not be here for one of her treatments? For a photo shoot? The photo shoot of your lifetime, he thought.

  “Brant? Tell me you aren’t going to turn this down.” Angela broke through his thoughts. “How’s your girlfriend doing?”

  “She’s about to have her fourth treatment, which means that she’ll be sick the whole time I’m gone.”

  “Brant,” Angela said, and he knew that she was trying to keep her voice passive. “I’m sure if you talk to her about this, she would be all for it. Please. I need you to call me back by the end of the day so I have time to make arrangements if you’re going to go.”

  “Okay,” he agreed.

  “Oh, and Brant? If you turn this down, it isn’t going to be good for your career. Trust me. If you want to continue doing this, it’s the chance of a lifetime.”

  “GQ???? Are you freaking kidding me?” Lacey bounced up and down, her eyes bright. She was wearing her favorite scarf over her head, a bright blue that matched her eyes. It was one of her rare good days before she went for treatment again, and he had convinced her to go for a picnic lunch at the river with him. It was a little chilly, but he had brought a big blanket to wrap her in so she wouldn’t be cold.

  He had to lean over and kiss her. “Not kidding.”

  “It’s meant to be! You have to go, Brant!”

  “I don’t know,” he said, looking out to the water. The urge he had to go was so strong, but his urge to be there for Lacey was always a bit stronger.

  “Brantley Robert Tucker,” she admonished. He turned to her, a grin splitting his face. She never used his full name. It was kind of hot. “You are going to New York. This is my fourth treatment. I’ve got this. Aubrey, Sam, and Chloe can take turns. Maybe even my dad will want to come over. Haha.”

  He was quiet, his mind racing with the possibilities. He would be gone five days. She had her treatment while he was gone, which meant she felt the worst the days after. The timing was awful.

  “I know what you’re thinking,” she said. “I can do it. It’ll make me feel even better to know you’re doing something that is huge for you. You can send me some preview pics while you’re gone that’ll keep me in the loop.” She wiggled her eyebrows at him. “And get me something kick ass from New York for Christmas. See, it’ll all work out.”

  Brant laughed. “Really? You’re sure?”

  She scooted closer, wrapping the blanket around her shoulders. “Yes. Please do this for yourself, Brant. You’ve spent so long sacrificing yourself for me. I want you to do this. Call Angela and say yes.”

  He pressed his lips to hers, kissing her gently. She put her hand on his face and opened her mouth, deepening the kiss. It wasn’t often she felt well enough to do more than give him a peck on the lips and a hug, but he wasn’t complaining. He would wait until the end of time for her to feel better. So when she put her tongue in his mouth, desire ignited like a switch inside him.

  He moaned into her mouth as they slowly tangled their tongues, sucking lightly. She smiled, backing off slightly. “Do you think we could try tonight?”

  “Try?”

  She laughed. “We haven’t had sex since I started treatment. I don’t know if I can, and I don’t want you to be disappointed, but…”

  “I don’t want to do anything that will hurt you,” he answered, kissing the tip of her nose. “You don’t have to do that, Lace.”

  “I want to,” she said, kissing his neck. “Let’s see how far I can go. Okay?”

  “You know I’ll never turn you down,” Brant teased, pulling out his phone. “Now let’s see if I can make Angela’s day. I think she’s about to give up on me.”

  “Hey Angela. Yes, I’m going to do it. And hey, I have some suggestions…”

  Brant stood on the set, still in shock that he was here. Angela was sitting in a chair behind the cameras, her smile almost as bright as one of the lights in the room. Since she was based out of New York, she was ecstatic to be able to be with him today. He had only actually met her in person one time before, and that was briefly when he had flown into New York for a smaller shoot right after she started representing him.

  When he had agreed to do the cover and spread, he had asked for a few things during the shoot. He hadn’t expected them to run with it in the way they did. Lacey was going to love it.

  “Brant,” the photographer called. “We’re ready.”

  He walked into the shoot area. It was what looked like a blank background, but he knew they could do all sorts of crazy things with it before they put it on the magazine. They were also going to Central Park after this if the weather held up. It was freezing cold, but he looked forward to the shots there as well. He had a few surprises that he hadn’t told anyone but the photographer.

  He caught his reflection in the camera lens, and he grinned. He was wearing a dark grey suit, one of Lacey’s favorites on him. Underneath, he had on a bright pink shirt with the words ‘I never knew a real hero until
my girlfriend became one’. The word hero had a cape on it, and then the pink ribbon for breast cancer was underneath. He was very proud of it. He had a pink handkerchief sticking out of his suit pocket, and he was wearing pink socks with his dress shoes.

  GQ had been very interested in Lacey’s story, having heard of her also through Sam and the wonderful benefit she did. They wanted to feature her in the spread on him as well, even offering to come to Tennessee to do some shots of the two of them together. He wasn’t sure she would go for that, but he told them he’d check.

  When they finished in the studio and were getting ready to head to Central Park, Angela stepped up to him. He had finished the shoot in a pair of pink gym shorts with pink boxing gloves, and his body was oily. He couldn’t wait to rinse off.

  “You looked amazing, Brant. The best I’ve ever seen you. Good work. I have to run back to the office for a meeting, but can we meet for dinner? I’d like to celebrate this awesome day by taking you out.”

  “Sounds good. Text me where you want me to meet you and I’ll be there. Thanks for everything, Angela.” She smiled, running her index finger down his chest.

  “The pleasure’s all mine.”

  Brant texted Sam, concerned that he hadn’t heard from Lacey all day. He knew she might be sleeping, but he still wanted to make sure she was okay. Today should’ve been treatment day.

  “Hey there,” Angela said, sliding into the booth across from him. His eyes widened as he saw what she was wearing. She was a sensual woman with a body she obviously worked very hard for, but she was certainly showing it off tonight. A warning bell sounded in his head, but he pushed it away.

  Her dress was extremely low cut, her breasts spilling out the top. It was skin tight, showing every curve of her body, and on top of all of that, it was short, hiking up when she crossed her legs. She had her blonde hair curled around her shoulders, and more makeup than he had seen on some models at shoots.

  “Hi,” he said finally, checking his phone again. No answer. His stomach tightened with worry. What if she wasn’t okay?

  “Everything alright?”

  “I hope so. My girlfriend had her treatment today, but I haven’t heard from her so I’m just worried.”

  “I’m sure she’s fine,” Angela said, waving her hand. “That shoot was hot, Brant. Are you ready for what’s going to happen next?”

  “What’s that?”

  “You’ll be one of the most sought after models in the business with a cover like GQ under your belt. I wouldn’t doubt if the offers aren’t coming in as we speak. This business is full of gossip; I’m sure your name has been floating around there all week. It doesn’t hurt that the country superstar that is your girlfriend’s best friend threw you a bone.”

  “Wait. Are you saying that I only got this cover because of her?”

  Angela shook her head, and Brant turned his head before he saw an entire boob fall out of her dress. God, he missed Lacey. “No, Brant. I’m saying sometimes a push is all someone needs that was already on track to get there. That benefit she did for your girlfriend really accelerated things for you.” Brant hated how Angela never said Lacey’s name. It was always ‘your girlfriend’.

  By the end of dinner, Brant had a headache the size of New York from trying to avoid Angela’s uncovered body parts and her constant chatter about nothing in particular. When she took the check and refused to let him help, he relented, just wanting to get the hell out of there and find out what was going on with Lacey.

  He held the door open for her and the frigid New York air hit his lungs, making him gasp. “Thanks for dinner, Angela. It was great to see you.”

  “Can we share a cab? I’m not far from where your hotel is.”

  Brant sighed inwardly. “Sure.”

  She hailed a cab, and he wondered how in the world she wasn’t frozen wearing that in these temperatures. She slid in, and he sat as far away as he could on the other side. Her dress was hiked up even higher now, and he knew that if he looked closely he would see whatever she was wearing under it. He was starting to think that she was doing that on purpose, but he wasn’t playing her game. Not now and not ever.

  He practically cheered when they reached his hotel. When he opened the door and turned to say goodbye, he startled as he saw her right behind him.

  “What are you doing?”

  She stepped forward, a small smile on her lips. “I thought you might want some company tonight. You know, keep your mind off things. And to celebrate.”

  He stared at this woman, the agent that had worked for him for several years, and felt speechless. She was propositioning him? Knowing that he was in love with his girlfriend? Seeing him at the shoot that he did for her? His girlfriend that had cancer?

  She must’ve mistook his silence for agreement, so she stepped even closer, brushing her breasts against his chest. “I’ll make you feel real good, Brant. No strings. No one ever has to know. I’m sure you have… needs… that haven’t been met in a long time. Take me upstairs, and I’ll give you whatever you want, all night long.”

  When she reached down and cupped him through his pants, fire surged through his veins, waking him up. “You have some nerve,” he seethed, stepping back away from her. “I love Lacey. Is that what you thought was going to happen? Do you make a habit of sleeping with your clients under the ruse that no one will know? You know what, Angela? Not that I would ever do it, but I would know! I would never do that to Lacey. I love her. Our relationship is way more than sex. You disgust me. I respected you. But for you to disrespect me this way, to disrespect Lacey, who is at home suffering through her fourth chemotherapy treatment, is the last straw. You. Are. Fired.” With that, he turned on his heel, ignoring her pleas.

  As he reached the door to the hotel, his phone rang. Seeing it was Sam, he breathed out a sigh of relief. “Sam. I’ve been worried sick. How’s Lacey?”

  “Brant? Oh, thank God.” He didn’t like her tone of voice. Not one bit.

  “Sam? What’s wrong?”

  “It’s Lacey. She couldn’t have treatment because her numbers were too low, and now…”

  Coldness spread over him, and he swore he was going to lose it right in the middle of the hotel. He knew he never should’ve left her. “Sam? What is it?”

  “Sorry,” she choked out. “She’s sick. They’re taking her to the hospital right now.”

  “Sick how?” Brant took off running for the stairs. He had to get out of here.

  “She can’t breathe. The paramedics think it might be pneumonia. They’re taking her now. They have her hooked up to oxygen. Brant, please. Get home.”

  “I’ll be there,” he shouted, bursting into his room. He started throwing things in his suitcase while dialing the airline. Hold on, Lacey. I’m coming home.

  Brant ran down the hallway, not caring if he was being too loud. He had to find her. It had taken him too many hours to get here; but he made it.

  “I’m looking for Lacey Russell,” he called to the nearest nurse.

  “Sir,” she said quietly. “It’s the middle of the night. There’s no visitation. You’ll have to come back at eight, when visiting hours start.”

  Brant shook his head. “No. I just need to know if she’s okay.”

  The nurse looked at him, probably wondering if he was sane. He probably looked like he had just rolled out of bed. “Are you family?”

  He paused. Shit. “She’s my wife. I was out of town, and she was brought here. She has cancer…”

  Her expression changed. “Okay, let’s look and see what floor she’s on first, and then I’ll let you know what the notes say. But, you still can’t see her until the morning.”

  Brant nodded. She clicked a few buttons. “What’s her name?”

  “Lacey Russell.”

  “Okay, Mr. Russell. She’s on the oncology floor, the fifth floor. It says in the notes that she’s stable. That’s all I can tell you.”

  “Thank you,” he whispered, relief flooding him. Brant looke
d up at the clock. Now he just had to wait four hours to see her. He walked down the hall to the waiting room, wondering if Sam or Aubrey were here somewhere.

  Brant opened his eyes to a sound he didn’t know reverberating around his head. Realizing he was sleeping in a chair in Lacey’s hospital room, he couldn’t even remember how long he had been there. Daylight flooded the room, streaming sunbeams on Lacey’s body.

  Nurses flooded the room, making him further confused. What were they doing? It was then that he realized the sound was coming from one of the machines hooked up to her, and he flung himself out of the chair.

  “What’s going on? What is that?”

  “You need to leave,” one of the nurses called, wheeling a cart close to Lacey’s bed. They were calling out commands, all of them moving around like a synchronized team. “Now,” the same nurse commanded, taking his arm and shoving him out the door.

  Brant stared at the closed door, listening to the muffled sounds of their voices. The beeping continued, followed by another sound he couldn’t decipher. He then heard a page over the loudspeaker for a code blue in room 525. Brant looked at the door to Lacey’s room. 525. Code blue? Wait. That meant that… NO!

  Where were Sam and Aubrey? How long had he been here? He’d never been so confused in all his life. The last thing he remembered was running for the airport, desperate to get to her. Was the rest of it really a blur?

  A doctor came rushing down the hallway. It was one Brant had never seen before. He skidded to a stop right in front of Brant.