Nothing But Trouble

by Matt Cain

  ‘It isn’t,’ Harvey managed, smiling so widely his mouth could hardly form the words. ‘And I fucking love you too.’

  *

  ‘Now remember Mummy loves you,’ Gloria told Chanelle as she bounced up and down on the bed in her princess pyjamas. ‘Mummy loves you lots and lots forever and ever.’

  It was something she insisted on telling her daughter every day. Not that anyone had ever told Gloria they loved her – or was ever likely to in the future. Certainly not now Lola’s come along and fucked everything up.

  She rearranged her face into a sweet smile. ‘And Mummy loves you a little bit more on your birthday,’ she cooed, kissing Chanelle five times around her face. ‘Five years old! I can’t believe my little baby’s turned into such a big girl!’

  ‘I’m a big girl!’ Chanelle squeaked, waving around the princess doll she carried everywhere. ‘I’m a big girl now!’

  ‘Now come and sit down next to Mummy and I’ll sing you a nice song,’ Gloria said, a little yawn escaping from her mouth. It wasn’t even seven o’clock but for once she’d been happy to be woken up early so she could share in Chanelle’s delight at being another year older. Sometimes she looked at her daughter and was frightened by how much she loved her or what she’d be capable of in order to protect her. Theft, violence, even murder – nothing would be too much if Chanelle’s happiness were ever threatened. Or if anyone ever threatened to disrupt the happy little world Gloria had created for the two of them. Anyone like Lola . . .

  As Chanelle snuggled up to the pillow next to her, Gloria put her arm around her and launched into a heartfelt rendition of Happy Birthday. Halfway through she couldn’t help her voice cracking. If it weren’t for Lola I’d be singing something much better than this. If it weren’t for Lola I’d still have a solo career and would be preparing for the opening night of my tour.

  Funnily enough, Gloria had always thought Lola couldn’t remember that she’d once had her own solo career. But she obviously could as she hadn’t wasted any time bringing it up when she’d burst in on her and Jake having sex like the doormat wife in some downmarket daytime soap. And what she’d said made Gloria wonder if all this time she’d been sniggering at her failure as her own success grew and grew. ‘It’s no surprise your solo career flopped,’ Lola had practically spat in her face, ‘if this is the way you behave.’ Gloria didn’t think she’d ever been so insulted in her life. And that was saying something!

  And she wouldn’t care, but Lola had nothing to be angry about in the first place. Jake was more her man than he was Lola’s. At least she’d got there first, if that counted for anything. And it wasn’t as if she hadn’t done the sisterly thing and tried to warn Lola off him, making up some bullshit story about a friend in New York calling him the Pied Piper of trouble. She’d delivered the warning after they’d performed on Lucky Star and were celebrating in Club Foot, when Lola had prick-teased Jake but then gone off to chuck her guts up, leaving him practically frothing in frustration. Gloria had spotted her chance and moved in, inviting herself back to his hotel room where they’d spent the rest of the night fucking like rabbits reared on Viagra. It had been the best sex she’d ever had and she resented the fact she’d had to apologize to Lola for it. She reminded herself she hadn’t actually done anything wrong. It’s not my fault Lola can’t hold her booze – or that she got too shit-faced to nail her target.

  She reached down under the bed and pulled out an enormous present wrapped in bright pink paper and tied with a ribbon. ‘Now this is a present from Mummy,’ she grinned, handing it over to Chanelle, who immediately began tearing off the paper like a feral beast hunting for food.

  ‘Oh it’s a castle for my princess!’ she yelped.

  ‘I know, honey,’ said Gloria, peeling off the Sellotape to open up the box. ‘And there’s a handsome prince living inside who can’t wait to meet her.’

  Chanelle’s eyes stood out like gobstoppers as she watched her mum open up the flap of the box and slide out the pink fairytale castle with its pale blue turrets, sweeping staircase and wind-down drawbridge. Waiting inside was a doll of Prince Charming which Gloria began to release by undoing the plastic ties that attached him to the packaging. Chanelle was buzzing in anticipation.

  As she gradually worked the doll free, Gloria thought back to her own feelings about Jake as she’d gradually got to know him. All right, she’d been able to tell he wasn’t ever going to be any kind of traditional Prince Charming but then again she was hardly a traditional princess. Of course he’d told her he didn’t like to commit to one woman, and she’d heard the rumours about him seeing Lola after the gig in Hyde Park – way before Lola had actually told her about it. And she’d worked out exactly what was going on when Jake had started making excuses and seeing her less and less. But, unlike Lola, Gloria wasn’t stupid or desperate. So she’d sat back and bided her time, knowing sooner or later he’d get bored of Lola – which he did, pretty quickly. And then she’d simply upped the ante to reignite his interest in her. On the night Lola had told her she was going on a date with Freddy Jones, Gloria had invited Jake round to her house and treated him to her signature deep-throat blow job, taking full advantage of the fact she’d been born with no gag reflex. And she’d done it on this very bed.

  She finally released the doll of Prince Charming and handed him to Chanelle. ‘Here you are. Are you going to introduce him to your princess?’

  As Chanelle took hold of the doll and laid him down next to his new girlfriend, she began acting out a romantic scene she must have picked up from some Disney film. I wouldn’t get too carried away, honey, Gloria felt like saying, because in real life that kind of thing doesn’t happen to people like us. But she fell silent. She couldn’t bring herself to destroy the innocence of Chanelle’s dreams. Even though she’d just seen another of her own dreams destroyed – the dream of falling in love again, which after Ned she’d all but given up on. That was until she’d met Jake, when she’d allowed herself to think she might still achieve her happy ending. But now he’d broken it all off, saying things were getting too heavy and he didn’t want any drama before they went on tour. No, now that dream was dead too – killed once again by Lola.

  Unfortunately Gloria had no choice but to grit her teeth and turn up at rehearsals, as usual smiling through the pain. What else could she do? It was Lola who’d ruined her solo career but ironically it was Lola’s money that had thrown her a lifeline. It was Lola’s money that had paid for Chanelle’s princess castle. And more importantly, it was Lola’s money that was paying the rent for their home – even if they deserved to live somewhere much nicer than this grotty, dingy shit pit. So Gloria would just have to swallow her humiliation and carry on sucking up to Lola. Because the second she put another foot wrong she had no doubt she’d be out on her ear.

  But ever since that demeaning scene in the storeroom, she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about somehow getting her revenge. It was almost as if the idea had worked its way inside her soul and wouldn’t give her any peace until she’d seen it through. It was about time Lola was made to pay for everything she’d done to her – and Gloria had already worked out exactly how she’d do it. Her debut as a film director had proved a smash hit after their little shoot with the unknown cameraman in Sweden. It was about time she moved into production on the sequel. And this time she’d be stepping behind the camera herself – to make sure the film caused even more of a sensation.

  ‘Chanelle, honey,’ she crooned, reaching for her mobile phone, ‘why don’t I film you playing with your new present? And then me and you can show it to your friends at school?’

  ‘Oh yes please, Mummy! And can we send it to Daddy too?’

  ‘Of course we can, honey,’ Gloria breezed, her well-practised smile once again covering up a pang of pain.

  Chanelle sat upright and followed Gloria’s direction, holding her two dolls up to the camera and winding the castle’s drawbridge up and down. As Gloria looked through the viewfinder and
followed the action, her imagination began to race ahead to the next time she’d be pressing Record. And whatever action she’d be filming she was sure it wouldn’t be the kind of behaviour worthy of a fairytale princess.

  No, the way Lola had been bossing everyone around lately, acting like a wasp at a picnic and pissing off her entire entourage, it wouldn’t be long before she slipped up and gave Gloria the opportunity to expose her as the self-centred, heartless bitch she really was. And Gloria could hardly wait.

  *

  Lola imagined her fist slamming into Gloria’s face. She stepped forward, threw a punch and gave a little twist at the end. ‘How’s that?’

  ‘Not bad,’ said Tiny. ‘But try and keep your elbow in tight. Push it, don’t sling it.’

  She gave it another go. ‘Better?’

  ‘Yeah. Just make sure you exhale from your diaphragm as you punch. So the energy flows out through your fist.’

  She gave it one last go, breathing out as loudly as possible. ‘Is that it?’

  ‘Good. We’re finally getting there.’

  Lola jumped up and down on the spot and banged together her thickly padded boxing gloves. She was standing in the ring in Busters, a boxing club in Bethnal Green that dated back to the 1930s and had recently been restored to its art deco glory. The ring formed the centrepiece of a grand hall that had been painted green and beige and was surrounded by raked seating and overlooked on all sides by a gallery. At great cost, the venue had been hired for the day to film one of the videos to be projected onto the screens at the back of the set during the Trouble tour. Tiny, Lola’s head of security, had been enlisted to teach her some moves as she’d remembered he used to be some kind of boxing champion. Unfortunately, he wasn’t proving to be quite such a champion coach. Either that or Lola wasn’t much of a student. She wiped a bead of sweat off her forehead with the back of her wrist. I always thought dancing was hard but this is something else.

  She could hardly complain as she’d been the one who’d insisted on changing the concept for the shoot at the last minute, forcing everyone else to work flat out to make it happen. And she didn’t mind admitting to herself that she’d kind of done it on purpose. Part of her had wanted to remind everyone who was in charge and to show them all she was the creative mind behind the tour and not just some kind of puppet. But dressing up as a female boxer had been a great idea and was a perfect fit for the strong woman theme she wanted to run through the show. And it hadn’t escaped her attention that it had the added bonus of allowing her to let off some steam. She might not be able to punch Jake or Gloria in real life, but at least she could imagine laying into them as she pounded her fists into Tiny’s huge frame.

  ‘OK,’ he said, ‘now let’s try a cross punch.’

  She nodded in concentration.

  ‘Take your rear hand, keep your shoulder slightly behind you, rotate all your back-up mass and move your head so it goes over the knee.’

  She did her best to imitate him but could feel her hands tensing in frustration, even though Tiny had spent all morning reminding her to keep them relaxed until the point of impact.

  ‘No, it needs to start from your feet and travel up to your fist,’ he explained patiently.

  She gave it her best effort but was rewarded with a concerned frown.

  ‘Don’t cross the body,’ sighed Tiny, giving yet another demonstration. ‘Go straight out and steal it.’

  ‘But I thought you said it was called a cross punch?’

  ‘Well it is, but you don’t actually cross the body.’

  ‘Well, can’t you call it something else then? It’s blatantly really confusing!’

  Carlson stepped in to try and simplify things but only succeeded in making the choreography even more convoluted. To make matters worse, Hettie Spriggs had been hired to direct the video and stood there twiddling the edge of her rockabilly dress as she expressed conflicting ideas about what would work best on camera. Amidst all the chaos, Tiny was insisting on following to the letter Lola’s instruction to make her boxing look as authentic as possible. And as no one had benefitted from any time to plan the shoot, everyone seemed to be making it up as they went along. Lola looked at a clock on the wall and saw it was already late morning. They still hadn’t shot a single frame.

  ‘You know what,’ she snapped, turning on her heel and striding out of the ring, ‘I can’t be doing with this.’ She looked over her shoulder at Tiny, Carlson and Hettie. ‘Why don’t you lot work out what the fuck’s going on and then give me a shout. I’m blatantly going for a break.’

  She thundered down the steps and across the auditorium, trailed by Amina and her Style Council, who’d reassembled early that morning for the shoot. She led them all towards her dressing room, which had been set up in the ladies’ toilets. She flung open the door and thumped inside.

  ‘I don’t know what the hell’s going on,’ she growled, ‘but it’s really starting to take the piss.’

  ‘It’s outrageous,’ agreed Belle.

  ‘Totes scandalous,’ echoed Scarlett.

  ‘They need to seriously get their acts together,’ spewed Trixie.

  Thank God, thought Lola, finally some people are talking sense!

  She slumped into her chair and let her gloved hands fall to her sides as the girls swept in to touch up her hair and make-up.

  ‘Well, I think you’re doing amazingly,’ breathed Belle. ‘Especially considering all the pressure you’re under.’

  Yeah, she thought, I am actually under a lot of pressure. The tour was opening in ten days’ time and it was her name on all the tickets, her name the fans would be screaming and her name the critics would be blackening if the show wasn’t a success. Why didn’t people realize how hard it was for her? And to top it all, Harvey had pissed off for another big meeting to firm up the second leg of the tour in the States. Not that Lola particularly wanted him around at the moment – far from it. But at least the girls were here.

  ‘Well, all I can say is,’ breathed Scarlett, ‘it’s about time people showed you a bit more understanding.’

  ‘Big time!’ added Trixie. ‘Especially after all this shit with Jake and that slag Gloria.’ Lola had spent the morning filling in the girls on last week’s little surprise in the storeroom. They’d all sided with her against Jake and Gloria, despite the fact that just a few weeks ago they’d been going out on the town with Gloria and encouraging Lola to fall for Jake. Of course she hadn’t forgotten they were all on the payroll, but she told herself she didn’t care. For the moment their advice was exactly what she wanted to hear.

  ‘I actually think you’re handling everything really well,’ said Trixie. ‘Most artists I work with would have cracked up by now. Or started overdoing it on the coke.’

  ‘God,’ sighed Lola, ‘can you imagine if I suddenly started taking a shitload of coke? That’s the last thing I need!’

  ‘You say that,’ crooned Trixie, ‘but a nice little bump might sort you out.’

  ‘Oh come on, darlin’, you know I couldn’t ever do coke. Can you imagine what the papers would say?’

  ‘Lola, there are loads of people who do coke without the papers ever finding out,’ warbled Belle.

  ‘You know, the odd bit of Charlie’s not as big a deal as you think,’ added Scarlett. ‘Everything that’s gone on with your mum has probably just turned you against it.’

  ‘And we keep telling you, coke’s nowhere near as hard core as crack.’

  Lola suddenly remembered she still hadn’t called her mum, who according to Harvey was now out of rehab and doing really well. But she just couldn’t face it.

  ‘Big time!’ burst in Trixie. ‘As long as you stay on top of it, coke’s perfectly harmless. It’s only like having a shot of vodka. And it does make you feel cool as fuck.’

  For the first time, Lola could feel her interest sparking. ‘Really? Like how? What’s it like?’

  ‘Oh it just sharpens you up a bit,’ smiled Trixie, ‘gives you a little boost. I alwa
ys think it makes me into the best version of myself.’

  It sounded nothing like the state her mum had got in when she’d taken crack. And she had to admit, they were making it sound very tempting. ‘But doesn’t it turn you into a total bitch?’ Like I need any help on that front at the moment.

  ‘No!’

  ‘We’ve had a couple of lines this morning.’

  ‘You don’t think we’re bitches, do you?’

  ‘No. Not at all. It’s just . . . Oh, I don’t know . . .’ She was so strung out she could hardly remember why she had to stay away from drugs in the first place. But she did remember she’d always thought that if she ever started on coke that would be the beginning of the end. No, I can’t, I just can’t.

  Presumably Amina agreed with her; Lola noticed that since they’d been talking about drugs she’d started biting her nails and flitting her eyes around nervously.

  ‘Oh thanks, girls,’ she said, rallying slightly, ‘but at the moment I’ve just got to get through today. And for some reason that’s turning out to be difficult enough as it is.’

  ‘Well, I think you should get back out there and tell them you want to start rolling,’ Scarlett said.

  ‘Absolutely,’ chipped in Belle. ‘You’re the artist and the shoot should start when you’re ready.’

  ‘Big time!’ agreed Trixie. ‘I mean, what do they expect you to do? Sit in here fiddling with your fanny?’

  ‘You know what,’ Lola steamed, feeling a flush of anger, ‘you’re all right. And I can’t be arsed with this anymore. Come on, it’s about time somebody kicked this lot into action.’

  She stomped back onto the set with the four girls tottering after her, booting out of the way any kit that had been left in her path.

  ‘Right, let’s get on with it!’ she boomed to the crew, most of whom seemed to be standing around kicking their heels while Carlson, Hettie and Tiny were still blocking through the action in the ring. She bounded up the steps towards them, banging her gloves together and jumping up and down impatiently.