by Radclyffe
She paused for breath, thinking of those hectic first few months – wanting to continue her life as if everything were the same – when nothing was the same! She pushed both hands through her hair and looked at Tanner ruefully. "Everyone around me treated me as if I might shatter at any moment. I couldn’t stand their kindness. I just wanted them to treat me as if I was normal. But I didn’t really feel normal—I felt betrayed. Betrayed by something inside myself. Finally, I just stopped trying to go on as if everything were still the same. I took a medical leave – and I guess you know the rest.”
She stopped suddenly, aware that her words had been pouring out as if a dam had burst inside of her. She was surprised to find that Tanner was still regarding her intently, her face very serious. Most people were uncomfortable with the subject, and often couldn’t meet her eyes. "I'm sorry. You didn't bargain for all of that."
Tanner ignored the remark. “Is it gone now?” she asked, her tone soft and gentle.
Adrienne shrugged bitterly, confronting the issue that plagued her every day. “I don’t know. I know the statistics – but I don't know what they mean for me. They gave me plenty of figures – two years, five years, ten. No guarantees, just odds.”
“How long has it been?”
“A year.”
“And?”
“So far, so good, I think. I’m due for a checkup soon. Every six months I have a chest X-ray, and a bone scan, and some blood tests. And a mammogram on the other side, of course.”
“Is that why you left the Navy?”
“Partly. I'm actually still on extended leave. I’ll have to make a decision about that soon.”
“What about your lover?” Tanner asked quietly. She saw the look of pain that flashed across Adrienne’s face, but she persisted. “Why aren’t you together now?”
Adrienne shook her head in resignation. “She was wonderful, at first. She came with me for the biopsy, and to the surgeons for the second opinion. She was there when I woke up after the mastectomy. It was only after I came home, after the worst of it seemed to be over, that she began to change.” Adrienne stopped, swallowing hard. She wasn’t sure she could face those feelings again. She thought she could live with the fear of her cancer, but it was so damned hard to live with everything else!
“And then what happened?” Tanner urged gently. She wanted desperately for Adrienne to keep talking, to let her close.
“She was afraid, I think. Afraid that I might die, afraid that everything we knew, everything we had planned, might disappear. I don’t think she could deal with the not knowing.”
Tanner thought she could understand that. But there must be something else. “Why did you leave? Didn’t you love her anymore?”
“Yes—I loved her. But I couldn’t live with her. She walked around me in the house as if I weren’t even there. She seemed to be afraid to be close to me. And…and I knew that she couldn’t deal with the way I looked.”
Tanner winced at that, but she kept her voice calm. “Did she say that?”
“She didn’t have to!” Adrienne snapped, her blue eyes suddenly cold. “She couldn’t bring herself to come near me. Not just in bed, but anywhere. She would find some reason to disappear any time I wasn’t covered.” Adrienne laughed without humor. “It made it hell trying to get showered in the morning. She pretended she just wanted to give me time to recover, to get my strength back; but I knew the real reason. She couldn’t stand to look at me. So, finally, I left. I went home to Philadelphia for a while, until my family almost drove me mad. They acted like I might fall over at any second! And that brings me at last to Whitley Point—the island hide away. You were so right, that first morning on the beach. I’m hiding here, all right, from everything I ever knew. And especially myself.”
“I’m so sorry,” Tanner whispered. She felt so inadequate it was like physical pain. She wanted somehow to ease Adrienne’s sorrow—to erase the rejection and fear she must feel. She had no idea how to even begin. Were there any words at all that could reach that terrible sorrow?
Adrienne stood up suddenly. “Why? It has nothing to do with you. I’m sorry that I slapped you. You had no way of knowing. I really just don’t like to be touched. It’s really very simple, Tanner. I have no future, and only the barest glimmer of a present. I’m just here for the summer. Think of me like any another tourist, escaping for a few months on your fairy tale island. When summer ends, I'll be gone. It will make it easier for us both.”
She turned resolutely away, making it clear their conversation was over.
CHAPTER NINE
THEY DIDN'T TALK at all on the way back to port. Adrienne handled the wheel with expert efficiency while Tanner silently set the sails for a fast run. Adrienne left hurriedly after a polite but distant good-bye, saying she was tired and wanted to get home before dark.
Tanner watched her all the way up the pier and continued to stare after her until she saw the car pull away. She was left with an empty feeling of something only half-completed. She and Adrienne should have talked more, but she had been afraid to try. Adrienne had closed her out, her self-imposed isolation complete.
Tanner stowed the lines and secured the deck automatically, all the while thinking of things she should have said to Adrienne when she had the chance. Now she wasn’t sure if she would get the opportunity again. She sighed in exasperation and headed for her car. Exhausted though she was after only a few hours sleep the night before, coupled with the emotional turmoil of her day with Adrienne, she didn’t look forward to an evening at home. She wasn’t sure she wanted to be alone with her thoughts. The memories of her unresolved past and Adrienne's painful present were not something she wanted to confront. She turned right and headed south toward the mainland.
* * *
Constance awakened sometime after midnight to the sound of a car pulling up in the drive. She was a very light sleeper, and on warm nights such as this one, she slept with her windows open. She lay listening to the familiar steps make their way around the side of the house to the lower walkway. She was surprised when she heard someone slowly climbing the outside stairs to the verandah. She reached for her robe and went outside. Tanner was sagged into a deck chair, her feet propped up on the rail. Constance could tell that she had been drinking. She sat down next to her daughter and looked ahead into the night. It had been a long time since Tanner had come here this late at night, and she recognized it as a sign that Tanner needed company, or that she wanted to talk. Constance was an undemanding comfort, offering her unconditional love, and occasionally her guidance, whenever Tanner could bring herself to ask for it. Tanner ran her hand distractedly through her windblown hair and sighed audibly.
“Mother,” she asked quietly, as if they had been sitting in deep conversation for hours, “if you had known that Father would die when he did, would it have made any difference to you?”
Constance forced herself to consider the question honestly. She was so amazed by it that she wasn’t sure she would be able to answer. Tanner almost never mentioned her father, and she never talked about his death. Constance replied softly, “What do you mean by 'a difference'?”
Tanner turned to her mother and asked pointedly, “Would you still have married him?”
“Oh, my god, yes!” Constance exclaimed instantly. “I would have married him if I thought we had only a month together!” She smiled slightly in the moonlight. “I loved being with him – and being married to him. He was the one I wanted, and I wouldn’t have traded that for anything.”
“Was it worth the pain of losing him?” Tanner persisted. She knew how desolate she had felt when he died – and could barely imagine how much worse it must have been for her mother. She knew, too, how difficult these questions were, but she didn’t care. She felt like she was drowning, and she had nowhere else to turn.
Constance took a deep breath and shuddered slightly. “I still can’t believe he’s gone. After all these years I still find myself wanting him, wondering how I’m going t
o survive without him. But I do. Strangely enough, I not only survive, I continue to take pleasure in life. It seems bittersweet at times, but it is pleasure nevertheless. Loving him was worth every bit of the pain of not being with him. And I can tell you something else—it would have hurt every bit as deeply if we had lived together two years, or twenty, or two hundred.”
“So you have no regrets?”
Constance smiled again softly. How like Charles his daughter was. Tanner wouldn’t leave anything alone until she examined it from every angle, and understood it in every detail. “I didn’t say that. If I had known we would not grow old together, I might have tried harder to share in his world—the world of business, which I never cared for. And I think I would have told him more often that I loved him.”
Tanner stood up a little unsteadily and walked over to the rail, gazing down over the dunes to the surf. “Mother,” she asked softly, “why is it so terrifying to need someone?”
Constance wasn’t sure to whom Tanner was referring. The wistful tone in her voice suggested she meant herself. Constance came up beside her and slipped her arm gently around Tanner’s waist. “When you find someone you really want to love, Tanner, you won’t be afraid anymore.”
Constance didn’t expect a reply, and could only watch helplessly as Tanner walked slowly down the path to her bungalow, disappearing into the darkness. Something had happened, something - or more likely someone, had awakened Tanner’s passion at last. Constance only hoped it was someone who would have the courage to embrace her daughter’s tumultuous soul.
* * *
Early the next morning Tanner returned to the marina, hoping to see Adrienne. She wanted to call her, but she feared the overture might only alienate Adrienne further.
“Josh,” she called as she entered the office. “You in here?”
“Yep,” he replied, coming out from the rear room.
She waved and leaned against the window. “Have you seen Adrienne today?”
“Nope. First day she’s missed in a while,” he remarked. “Might be she’ll be down later.”
Tanner looked doubtful. “Maybe. I’ll just go on down and check the Pride. She took some water the other night, and I want to make sure she’s tight now.”
“Good idea. I wasn’t sure I’d see either you or the Pride again.”
“Oh, come on, Josh! You know it takes more than a storm to beat me!”
He nodded sagely. “I know. But some day you’ll take one too many chances. Me and your lady friend were mighty worried the other night.”
Tanner stared at him. “What do you mean?” she asked.
“Well, she came in just ahead of the storm in the late afternoon. As soon as she found out that you were still out she plunked herself down and wouldn’t budge.”
Tanner had not even thought to ask why Adrienne had been there when she awoke. She had been too confused to think clearly. Why hadn't Adrienne said something to her yesterday? At this point she wouldn’t have minded if Adrienne had been furious with her. Even anger would have been preferable to distant silence.
“She was here all that time?” she said. She waited for me?
Josh nodded. “Sure was. Mighty fine looking woman.”
“Now, Josh,” Tanner laughed.
“I know, I know. I’m too old for her. She seemed pretty fond of you, though.”
Tanner grimaced. “I'm not feeling all that likeable these days.”
He laughed. “I’ve known you all your life. I can remember when you used to come down here with your daddy when you were just a little thing. I've always liked you.”
In the decade since her father died, Josh had become the closest thing she'd had to a friend. He was honest, and loyal, and completely without pretense. Most importantly, she trusted him. Tanner smiled, but shook her head. “But I’m not three anymore, Josh.”
Josh tapped his pipe out in the waste paper basket and studied her speculatively. “What’s got you all out of sorts anyhow? Adrienne?”
Tanner looked away uncomfortably. “Partly. I’m not sure I know how to handle her.”
He leaned his chair back on its rear legs and thought about that. He shrugged and replied, “Well then, don’t.”
Tanner looked at him in surprise. “What do you mean?”
“Don’t try to handle her. Let her come around on her own. You can’t force the wind.”
“But what if she never comes around?”
“She will,” Josh said matter-of-factly. He remembered the way Adrienne had held Tanner the night of the storm. “Just give her a little time.”
“Time?” Tanner repeated, almost to herself. “What if there isn’t any time?”
CHAPTER TEN
JUNE PASSED, AND Adrienne did not go near the marina. She missed sailing, but she didn't want to see Tanner. She had briefly considered leaving the island altogether, but something kept her there. She told herself it was the seclusion, and the sea, and the promise of bright sun and cool summer nights. She couldn't sail, so she ran – morning and night.
She hadn’t run since her surgery. It felt good to use her body, and it helped to clear her mind as well. It was difficult not to think of Tanner. Adrienne wondered what her days were like, and how she spent her nights. She knew that Tanner must be hurt that she was avoiding her, but she couldn’t see that she had much choice. Tanner was so intense, so determined, and so damned – attractive. Any relationship between them was bound to become too intimate. As much as she fought the urge, Adrienne knew that if she spent much time with Tanner, she would eventually give in to the temptation to touch her. And she couldn't, under any circumstances, do that.
The sun had nearly set when Adrienne prepared for her run on the beach. She stretched her muscles leisurely on the deck, appreciating the cool breeze beginning to blow in from the water. It was a welcome relief from the sultry heat of the day. Adrienne anticipated a good run. She started out at an easy jog toward the lighthouse on the southern tip of Whitley Point. Suddenly the sky exploded into a burst of color. Faint echoes of thunder – thunder? – pulsed through the night. Adrienne stopped and stared in astonishment at the strange sight.
Then, she laughed out loud. Of course! It was July fourth. She lived such solitary days that the ordinary events that marked the passage of time in more ordinary lives escaped her. She walked on toward the lighthouse, enjoying the display that continued over head. As she drew closer, she passed groups of children and adults reclining on blankets on the beach for the celebration. She also began to smell barbecue and her mouth watered. She realized that she was hungry. She got a hot dog and a beer at a makeshift refreshment stand and settled down on the sand amidst families who ate picnic suppers from coolers they had carried with them. She sat apart, but still somehow felt part of the festivities, watching the patterns of light and colors brighten the night sky. She heard a motorboat approaching and looked down to the shore, wondering idly where they would land.
“Damn fool’s going to run aground at that rate,” a nearby man grumbled.
Adrienne and the people around her stared transfixed as the lights on the powerful outboard grew brighter, the cabin cruiser heading straight into shore. Just when it seemed inevitable that the boat would crash up onto the beach, the driver cut the engine and swung the bow around hard, bringing the boat to rest on the very edge of the sand. Adrienne let out her breath in long sigh. She heard a female voice laughing and several figures tumbled from the boat into the surf, then staggered up onto the beach.
“Figures,” the same man said in a low angry tone. “She thinks she can get away with anything. And she usually does. Doesn’t do badly with some women either.”
“Shh! Someone will hear you!” his wife chided, glancing around in embarrassment.
Adrienne recognized Tanner then, emerging none too steadily from the water with her arm around the waist of a pretty young blond. She watched them coldly as Tanner flopped down on the sand, gasping, and pulled her companion down beside her. Tanne
r said something to her, and the other woman laughed. Several other partiers joined them, and someone passed a silver flask, its surface shining intermittently in the glow of the overhead spectacle.
The fireworks were nearly over, and Adrienne stood up, dusting the sand from her legs. She was irrationally angered by the spectacle Tanner was making of herself, and she didn’t want to watch it any longer. Without conscious thought, instead of turning toward home, she walked directly down the beach to where Tanner lay in the sand, and stared down at her.
“Nice entrance,” Adrienne commented sarcastically.
Tanner squinted up at her, her eyes unfocused. “Glad you liked it.” She held out a still burning joint. “Smoke?”
“No thanks. Why don’t you introduce me to your friends?”
Tanner pushed herself up on one elbow and made a sweeping gesture with her arm. “Everyone, this is Commander—no, my mistake—ex-Commander Pierce. She is living incognito here at Whitley Point. But beware—she is only here for the summer, so don’t expect too much from her.”
Heads turned briefly as Tanner talked, and a few people nodded hello before returning to their conversations. Adrienne sat down beside Tanner, ignoring the blond who clung possessively to Tanner’s arm.
“I want to talk to you,” Adrienne said in a low voice.
Tanner eyed her expansively. “Fine. So talk.”
Adrienne shook her head. “Alone.”
Tanner heaved herself to an upright position. “I have company.”
It was all Adrienne could do to keep her voice calm. “I can see that. I’ll just be a minute.” She was furious, and she didn’t want to consider precisely why. She let herself think it was Tanner’s arrogance and insolent tone, but she was struggling not to reach out and shake her.
Something in Adrienne’s voice penetrated the fog of Tanner’s brain. Tanner turned to her companion. “Would you mind, Sally? Please disappear for a minute.”