VIBGYOR

by Keerthana Jayaraj

  Shiva laughed. “Nandan can say whatever he likes…”

  Jacob closed this eyes. Tears trickled down his cheeks. “That is what people are going to say…That you are a pathetic, desperate woman going after your ex husband’s fiancee’s ex. They’ll call you a gold digger too…”

  “We can’t do anything about the way their thought process works…” Shiva said slowly. “We know it’s not like that…”

  Jacob nodded, his eyes still closed. “I wish…” He said slowly.

  CHAPTER 26

  A storm was brewing…I had known it the moment Shiva professed her love to Jacob. It was sweet and all…But the thing about sweet things was…The sweetness fades quickly leaving room for other tastes. If it were bitter and sour things…They lingered for a while, dominating the taste buds…The sweet moments in the restaurant was over. The time had come to face sourness and bitterness…Shiva was arriving home. Right at the gates, I saw Mr. Raghunath’s car. Bad enough omen on it’s own but there was more…Another car was by it’s side. It was not Mr. Vaishnav’s luxury monster but a much milder, tamer kind of car.

  “It’s Nandan!” Goldy exclaimed.

  And I saw it. A familiar figure was visible, sitting upright on the couch. Next to him, talking gravely, clad in a pristine white suit was Mr. Raghnath.

  “I have told her more than a hundred times…”

  “I didn’t intend to stir up trouble or anything…” Nandan said. I noticed that he looked troubled. “I just thought you should know.” Both of them didn’t notice Shiva at the doorway. She didn’t let her presence known either. She stood still, like a cat silently waiting to pounce on a mouse. Goldy and I stayed with her, our ears alert, listening to every word spoken inside.

  “I think you need to talk to her…Tell her that…”

  “Tell me that I still need to do follow my ex-husband’s orders?”

  Shiva stepped inside, her eyes flashing dangerously. A lopsided smile curled her lips as she glared first at Nandan and then at her father.

  “You can get engaged and go on dates with Anasuya…But me…I shouldn’t even be seen with another man?” Shiva laughed. “Would you mind saying that to my face?” “Shiva…” Nandan said slowly. “That man…”

  “It isn’t your business if I see a thousand men so…”

  “Shivani!” Mr. Raghunath stepped forward. “He’s a damn cripple…”

  “It isn’t your business either.” She said firmly. “I trusted you once, Dad…I trusted you to find the right man for me and…and you let me down. Forgive me if I don’t do it again.”

  “I just want you to be happy…” His voice was sad. I thought I heard a stifled sigh in the end.

  “Don’t say that. Not after you destroyed everything that made me happy. My job… My writing…” Shiva gritted her teeth. A sob choked her voice. “You chained me to a man who murdered my daughter…”

  “I did not!” Both Goldy and I started. Nandan’s voice was shaking with rage. As much as I hated him, I saw and felt the sincerity in his eyes.

  Fire blazed in Shiva’s eyes for a moment and then they glazed over. It was as if she wasn’t there anymore… “When you kicked me in the stomach and I fell…crashed right into that cabinet…do you know what I felt and heard? Her…Shakti…screaming…slowly dying…Before I lost consiousness, I was screaming too…Do you remember, Nandan? I was crying… begging her to stay with me…begging you to help…”

  Nandan had gone white. Twice he made a movement as if to leave but didn’t. “I heard what you said at the hospital…Every word of it. When the doctor said the baby wouldn’t make it…Get rid of it then…It’s just a piece of flesh…” I expected Nandan to flinch and shrink back. But he didn’t. He took one step closer to Shivani and said. “Who said the baby wouldn’t make it?” It was as if the temperature in the room dropped 10 degrees. Mr. Raghunath was standing absolutely motionless, his eyes nearly popping out of his head. Shiva’s Mom who had just come out of the kitchen was staring at him nervously, her grip on the large tray slowly loosening. The teacups shuddered as her fingers trembled.

  “What?” Shiva asked slowly. Her eyes shifted from Nandan to her father. “The baby was going to make it. Do you remember speaking to your father about how you were never coming back to me? He spoke to me and your doctor…” “No…”

  “About how a baby wasn’t going to help your future…”

  N…”

  “He told me that if we were going to separate it was better for the two of us…”

  The last drop of colour drained from Shiva’s face. Her eyes, suddenly very red, glared at her father.

  “He will tell you that it is true…” “Dad…Dad…” Each syllable escaped from Shiva’s dry lips with a blazing intensity. Tears, hot angry tears trickled down painfully through her half closed eyelids. I half expected a “Did you?” but it didn’t come. It was as if Shiva knew. It was as if some expected a “Did you?” but it didn’t come. It was as if Shiva knew. It was as if some

  instinct told her so.

  “It would have been a burden to you…You would have hated it…”

  From my limited exposure to the human world, I have found that shock or anger for that matter manifests itself in two ways. Sometimes it all ends in one explosion…like a volcano. Otherwise it is like being drenched in ice cold water. The cold sinks in suddenly and then everything is numb. Like…you can’t feel anything anymore… Shiva didn’t throw herself onto her father…maybe even hit him. She simply stood still, her lower lip trembling.

  “It was for your good…”

  Shiva’s mouth parted letting out a voiceless cry. Tears burst out of her eyes. “Shakti…Shakti…Shatkti…” She said over and over before sinking to the floor.

  Mr.Raghunath, looking alarmed moved towards her, his hands outstretched as to lift her up. He half touched her but… “Raghu…” A soft voice, cold as ice, interrupted. Disgust was written all over Devi’s face. She was biting her lip as though swallowing the insults she would have liked to throw at him.

  “Keep out of this, Devi…” “I will not…” She said simply, taking one step towards her daughter with each word. She lifted Shivani up and hugged tightly. As the girl wept bitterly, Devi’s eyes too brimmed with tears.

  “Nandan I want you to leave.” Her voice was calm but her eyes…Never will I forget the look in them. The rage…Like a hurricane was just about to be unleashed. Like a volcano was just about to erupt…No wonder Nandan flinched. No wonder he positively fled out of the door.

  “Devi…”

  “Not one more word.” She said curtly. “I am done listening.”

  She lead Shiva away to Shiva’s room. They sat together on the bed for a long time, Shiva laying her bed on her mother’s lap. “Mother…” She spoke slowly. “Did you…”

  Devi sighed as she gently stroked her daughter’s hair. “No…He never told me.”

  Did Shiva even hear her mother’s answer? I didn’t think so…Her eyes had become strangely unfocused…As if she had decided to escape this world, at least temporarily, to a kinder place.

  “He killed her…How could he…He…” She wailed.

  Not a single tear drop came out of Devi’s eyes. She simply gave a nod and said, “I know.” The hopelessness…the resignation in her voice cut me like the sharp blade of a knife. It was as if she was used to this…Having people trampling all over her life…that she wasn’t surprised to see someone else doing the same to her daughter. It was the norm, at least to her, or the status quo, as someone in one of Shiva’s books so eloquently put it.

  As to the thing I just heard about Shakti’s demise…I didn’t even want to think about it. When do people learn? You are not an ultimate authority. You have no right, whatsoever, to decide what’s good for another person. Selfcentered idiots!

  “What do we do now, Shakti?” Goldy asked. I shook my head. Something to be done…The day we had teamed up for a mission suddenly felt a thousand light years away. At the moment, trying
to grasp the ridiculous insanity in the human world, we were nothing but spectators. Seeing terrible things unfold but unable to anything about it.

  “Now do you want to be murderers?”

  The Red was standing in the doorway, waving its tiny hands. A smile, a terrible smile, lit up its incomplete face.

  “They deserve to die, don’t they?”

  Goldy shook her head and took several steps back. I saw her cast a glance in Shiva’s direction. The red lifted her hand. The chilling smile widened. “No…” I said suddenly stepping in front of Goldy. “Please…”

  “Just look at the poor girl…shocked…shocked and broken…”

  My head throbbed violently as the Red let out a giggle. Something bitter in taste rose to my mouth. My body writhed in pain for about five seconds before… When I came to the first thing I saw was Goldy lying face down on the floor. She was moaning softly, her fingers twitching now and then.

  “I’m sorry Goldy…”

  She turned around. Her eyes looked weird but she was smiling…Not the bright Goldy smile I was used to but still a smile. “Don’t be an idiot.” She said brightly. “It’s not like I’m afraid of the Red anymore…” “Neither am I.” I sighed. “I just…”

  My eyes darted towards Shiva and her mother. They were still there…like an illustration in a book full of fairy tales. Except for the tears gently rolling down Shiva’s cheeks, there was no movement. Like someone sapped life out of them. The air was thick and salty…

  “Stuck in the middle of the ocean…” I muttered.

  Shiva stirred and wiped the tears. Gently she moved her mother’s hand from her head and sat up. Even after two days, her shock didn’t wear away. She stayed in the room most of the time occasionally walking towards her typewriter and gazing at it. Gazing at it in a way a mother would look at her dead child. Her unfinished manuscript lay near it. I felt like those pages were laughing. A cold cruel laughter. Mocking her for even daring to free herself from the past. Because past, was not like the hundreds of paperback novels she owned, so easy to throw away. Past was etched to the skin. Humans couldn’t free themselves from that anymore than a failed Violet could escape the eternal wandering that came as a punishment.

  Punishment…I didn’t feel so scared of it anymore. It felt as if it didn’t matter anymore… Goldy stayed beside me the whole time. Even as I was absorbed in the state of despair I had…or more specifically…Shiva had found herself in, I couldn’t help notice was Goldy was paling. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that but…The bitter truth that Goldy could very well leave me hit me hard. I wanted to stop her…I wanted to tie her to me…I didn’t want to lose her. Was this why some humans withdrew into a shell? So that the moment of parting would never come?

  “Mom…I have to go somewhere.” It was the first time she had spoken since she broke down. Her face was white as sheet, her eyes swollen and bloodshot but no more tears trickled down. I think Devi knew where her daughter wanted to go but she didn’t stop her. Weak and fragile as she was, I think she understood her daughter’s pain. But…What use was understanding if she couldn’t do anything about it?

  And Mr. Raghunath…He had not even tried to speak to them. The study was his prison except when he went to his office. Most nights he returned home drunk, falling over and over and muttering incoherent nonsense. Devi never paid him any attention. Food was always laid for him on the table but she never hung around to serve it. Not that he ate much…He picked at the food, his eyes on his daughter’s bedroom door. After a while, he simply got up and went upstairs. Dark circles had formed around his eyes. The arrogance that defined him was no longer there. Pitiful…For all his faults, that’s the only word I think could describe him accurately.

  The tiniest trace of a smile lit up Shiva’s face when she walked into Jacob’s apartment The tiniest trace of a smile lit up Shiva’s face when she walked into Jacob’s apartment

  VIBGYOR building. She boarded the elevator and came out on the top floor.

  The door was open…Not just a crack but wide open and…

  “I don’t know what you are up to but…”

  “I just heard that a girl is kind of a constant visitor here.”

  “We don’t want you to fall into the trap of a gold digger.”

  I did remember Jacob talking about cliches…Something about how they were expected to happen. Standing there, listening to the money hungry, malicious voice reeking of poison, I realized how true it was. Relatives are supposed to come rushing when they feel fortune slipping away. And they do - both in fiction and life.

  “What is with…” Goldy began just as Dan’s voice boomed in the hallway. “I thought you all were busy…How come you got extra time now?”

  “I suggest you stay out of this, servant.”

  “If that isn’t the most over the top arrogant voice I’ve heard…” Goldy shook her head. I moved towards the door. The owner of the voice was old but you couldn’t say that from looking at her. Her skin looked smooth and lovely. Her face was as beautiful as makeup could make it. Dressed in a glittery saffron sari, her hair( too black for her age), thick and wavy was plaited beautifully to one side. How did I know she was old? There are some things that humans can’t hide with makeup.

  “Aunt Mary…” Jacob’s voice was soft. “I don’t understand what is it that you want of me…” “What…I don’t want you to fall…”

  “I am…”

  “Listen to me, Jacob…I am your Aunt. I wish you no ill. Just think about it…What kind of woman would want to tie herself to you?”

  The words hung in the air like an obnoxious layer of smoke. Dan opened his mouth to say something but Jacob gently caught his hand. I read his lips saying, “No.” The woman stormed out and ran smack into Shiva, who looked like she was in some sort of daze. “So…you are the girl…”

  “I’m Shivani…” Shiva said mechanically.

  “And you think you can seduce a…cripple and take everything he owns?” “What?”

  “You will never do anything like that…”

  “But…”

  “I should have realized…letting Jacob live here all alone was…”

  One more icy glare and she was gone, leaving Shiva standing all alone, still as a statue, her eyes pained, as if she was struggling to absorb what was going on… “Jacob, it’s Shiva!” Shiva started at Dan’s voice. She tried to smile but it seemed that lips simply refused to move. She didn’t even move towards the door or attempt to enter Jacob’s apartment. Not even after Dan called out to her numerous times.

  I heard him whisper something to Jacob and after a while…The two of them came out. Jacob lightly touched Shiva’s hand and smiled.

  “Sorry you had to see that…”

  “Do some people have a kick me sign posted on their back?” Goldy sighed. “Fate sure enjoys playing football with them…” I shook my head. Shiva still looked pale…You know what? Seeing her like that… Already in shock knowing what her Dad had done…And now an unknown woman speaking about her as if she’s some sort of Gold Digger…I couldn’t help but think that it’s about time fate left her alone.

  “It’s alright…” She mouthed mechanically after one more painful attempt at a smile. “I…I’m used to this kind of thing by now…”

  “At least you got my Aunt to visit me…” Jacob chuckled. “If it weren’t for this incident I doubt she would have visited until my funeral…”

  “That’s…horrible.” “You’re talking about the woman who hung around the hospital corridors when Jacob was in a horrible state and then mysteriously disappeared when it appeared that he would return to normal life again…So you should think of a better word than horrible…” Dan laughed. It sounded fake though. He had noticed the dark circles under Shiva’s eyes and her colourless face.

  “Er…Are you alright Shiva?”

  “Yes…” She muttered.

  Jacob touched her hand lightly. “Are you sure about that?”

  At his kind words Shiva bro
ke down. A high pitched wail escaped her lips and she sank to the floor, weeping bitterly. “Shiva?”

  Jacob moved closer, touching the top of her head. “What happened?”

  More sobs and tears. Dan rushed over and gently pulled her up. Then slowly he lead her inside the apartment.

  “I hope it wasn’t anything my Aunt said…”

  Inside, sitting on the couch, Shiva still sobbed. I could almost hear it…The cracks in her heart growing wider and wider.

  “No…” She said, without even looking up. Jacob’s wheelchair, for once, was near the couch. His eyes were fixed on Shiva. There was a hint of tears in them. Twice, he lifted his hands to touch her but withdrew. An apology, perhaps for the rude behaviour of his Aunt lingered on his lips without making it out. That’s another thing I find funny about humans. They never manage to say or do the right thing at the right time…And later, they count their regrets at their leisure. They brood and moan endlessly…

  “What in the world happened?” And out came the whole story. Nandan’s revelation and the true cause of Shakti’s murder…Both Jacob and Dan looked stunned when she was done. Dan especially looked as if his voice went on vacation.

  “I hate him…” She cried out, stamping her foot. “I hate him…Why?Why?Why?” “Shiva…” Jacob said slowly. “I…”

  “How could he think that Shakti would become a burden? And why did he decide that for me…” Shiva continued as if she hadn’t heard him. “I should have made that decision…Me…I…”

  “Shiva…”

  “Why? Why…”

  There was an awkward silence. No one, it seemed, to know what to say. Dan had gone a ghostly white, as if someone had just stabbed in on the chest. And Jacob… Jacob who spouted philosophy so effortlessly, who was usually calm…just stared at the floor. I could taste the helplessness salty and thick, like the undrinkable water of the sea.

  “Why?” She cried out again. “What did I…Why?”

  Jacob looked up. After a moment’s hesitation, he put an arm around Shiva’s shoulders and drew her to him. And he held her close, without a word, till her tears stopped soaking his shirt.