“Why are you doing this?Why?” Goldy cried. “Please don’t hurt them. They haven’t done anything wrong.” “Don’t talk to me as though I’m a villainous beast. Yellow…Even you, naive and foolish as you are, must surely comprehend a basic truth. When you let monsters walk free, the pure and innocent gets hurt”
“There are very few monsters in this world, Red.” I said. “There are even fewer you can categorize as pure, once you exclude very young children. You are talking like a child, living in the world of witches and princesses.”
“Looks like the human world awoke the philosopher in you.”
“No one you see here is a monster.”
The Red moved a few steps towards me. “You seem to think this is up for discussion. It’s not. You either kill the real villains or let them along with your friends suffer a painful end. So, Violet, what will it be?”
CHAPTER 33
“We shouldn’t have left.” Goldy told me after as we walked into Shiva’s house. “We should have at least…”
“You know it wouldn’t make a difference, Goldy. The Red would probably render us immobile with pain and force us to watch when…”
“The question is what do we do now? Do we…” “No.” It was a stubborn decision. Not something I can justify entirely but…I will not become a murderer. Neither will I allow Goldy to become one. “Who are we to hand down the death penalty, Goldy? Who are we to judge?”
“But if we don’t…Think about it Shakti. They definitely hurt…”
“I know that Goldy.”
“Shakti…This is not the time to be unshakable. Make the choice.”
I remembered Red’s words. They die anyway. The only question was if I wanted Shiva, Jacob and Dan suffer along with them. “Goldy…can we really do it?” Goldy shuddered a little “I don’t want to think about it, Shakti but…It has to be done, right? We can’t let Shiva, Jacob and Dan suffer anymore.” “Tonight.” I heard the word escape from my mouth. A chill went down my back. Was I stalling until the last minute? I was. It had to be done. The Red was holding Jacob as hostage. But…Doing the wrong thing for the right season seemed a terrible idea. The end didn’t justify the means. No way.
“IF YOU EVERY TRY TO SEE JACOB AGAIN…” Shiva was bellowing at the top of her voice. I peeked into her bedroom to see her clutching angrily at her father’s shirt collar and shaking him. “Why are you doing this to me?” She let go and just stared at him, her eyes full of shock at what she had done. I heard Mr. Raghunath sigh.
“I know you are upset, Shiva. I understand. I’m your father. I cannot stand aside and let you make a bad decision.” “FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME…” Shiva cried. “I KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR ME. BESIDES…ANYTHING IN THE WORLD IS BETTER THAN NANDAN OR VAISHNAV SACHIDANAND. I AM NOT A CHARACTER IN A LIFE SIMULATOR GAME YOU GET TO PLAY WITH.”
“Shiva…”
“Guilt tripping a man who is already killing himself with a thousand regrets is about the lowest you can stoop.”
“I don’t hate the man, Shiva. I want you to understand that.”
“Really? Then why did you stab him with your tongue again and again. Oh I forgot… You don’t care about other people’s feelings, do you?”
“And you never understand mine.” Mr. Raghunath turned away from her. “Ever since you were a little girl, you…you always were your mother’s daughter.” There was silence. Then just as Mr. Raghunath started to walk away, Shiva said. “You don’t know, do you? I badly wanted to love you. I wanted you to love me. Each time I brought home my report card, trophies and certificates, I wanted just a word of appreciation. Just…Just once I wanted you to say you were proud of me. I wanted you to remember my birthday, wish me in the morning…” Shiva snorted. “But you… you tore up my notebooks. You didn’t know how much those stories meant to me. You frightened me with a cane when I participated in competitions…You mistreated my mother everyday in front of me.” She laughed. “Why should I have wanted to be your daughter then? I was terrified of you.”
Mr. Raghunath face crumpled. His lower lip trembled slightly. A hint of tears shone in his eyes. “Shiva…” He swallowed. “I…” Tears rolled down cheeks. He wiped them away before turning around to face her. “Just because I didn’t pamper you…I did love you, Shiva. I wanted you to succeed. Your mother was just too soft with you. I had to be strict.”
Shiva gazed at him, her eyes full of sadness. “Dad…” She said slowly. “I don’t even know what to say to you.” They stood there, facing each other for more than minute. Mr. Raghunath repeated several times that he did love his daughter. Shiva didn’t speak at all. It was hard to decipher what she was feeling. I saw something move on the outside of the room. Quickly we went over there to take a look. It was Devi…She was leaning against the wall, covering mouth with her hands, shedding silent tears.
“If we do kill Mr.Raghunath…” Goldy whispered, gazing first at Mr. Raghunath and then at silent woman.
I nearly cried. “Who are we even supposed to be punishing?” Night arrived, cold chilly and heartless like the action I was supposed to take. The clock struck 2:00. As I picked up the knife from the kitchen, I looked sadly at Goldy. If everything ended tonight…
“We should be saying goodbye, right?” She smiled and immediately let out a sigh. “At least I don’t have to worry about you being stuck here…”
“To tell you the truth…If you were gone, It would have been the most depressing thing that ever happened to me.”
We just looked at each other for while and nodded. It was an understatement to say that I felt awful. What would happen after I killed Mr. Raghunath? His room looked like a dark cave - menacing and uninviting. The first first thing I saw on on entering was Devi, lying on a sheet on the floor. She was peacefully asleep, a serene smile on her face. I was about to shatter that peace…
Mr. Raghunath was lying on his back. The moon lit up his pale face making him look like a corpse. I raised the knife, aiming right at his chest. Suddenly, a cellphone rang in Shiva’s bedroom. The knife slipped out of my hand and clanked to the floor. I heard movement in Shiva’s bedroom. Her sleepy voice said hello and asked who it was. Then…Silence. Crickets cried out in the silent night. The moon suddenly disappeared behind a cloud, leaving the world behind in total darkness.
“We should go and…” Goldy said.
“We do know what it is.” I shook my head. If I was a human with a heart it would have broken into a thousand pieces. Why? Why? “Shakti…Shakti…” Goldy was fading…Her voice growing softer and softer until I couldn’t hear her anymore. The last speck of yellow disappeared, leaving me, drowning in darkness and despair. I stood staring at the empty space where Goldy had been. No chance to say goodbye…No…She was just gone. Because…Because…
“GOLDY!!!!!” I screamed. Why?Why? I sank down on the floor and screamed a few times more. It was over. Over… A cry louder than mine pierced the night. Crashes and bangs followed as if many things were thrown across the room. My weary mind told me I should be going to see what was happening but…
Shiva was wailing like a mad woman, sitting on the floor and hitting the air with her fists. Her room was in bits and pieces. The books she studied regularly lay torn up on the floor. The pages of her precious manuscript were everywhere as if she had taken up the whole bundle and thrown it in the air. Her trembling lips muttered the same thing over and over again.
“Why Jacob?” Someone had come in after me. Turning back, I saw Shiva’s mother rush towards her daughter. She held her in her arms and gently asked what happened. Shiva just stared at her, muttered Jacob’s name, as tears leaked out of her eyes.
“What happened to him?” Devi shook her daughter. “Shiva…”
“You can be happy now mother.” Shiva said in a cold mechanical voice. “Tell Dad to throw a party…A big celebration…” “Shiva what…”
“You don’t have to worry about the cripple anymore…”
“Shiva…Don’t…”
“HE’S DEA
D, MOM! He…He…” She pushed her mother away. “He’s gone…He’s gone…Just like you wanted him to.”
The words made me feel ill. How could everything have ended so badly? Goldy was gone…Maybe it was a good thing. At least she didn’t have to see the terrible fallout. And…The thing that I’ve been dreading all along had happened. I didn’t succeed. I watched helplessly as Shiva’s life fell apart yet again. My fate too was sealed. The tears and cries of pain had stopped. Shiva’s eyes were fixed on the opposite wall. The light in them seemed to have gone out. She was shaking with silent sobs, hugging her legs.
CHAPTER 34
The rain was pouring down. The streets were full of raincoats and umbrellas. Shiva walked among them like a living corpse, unaware of anything around her. Three times she were nearly hit speeding cars. She was thoroughly soaked by the time she reached the apartment building which was the home of many of her happy memories. A horde of cars were parked outside. Next to them, Dan stood, gazing at his feet. He was clutching tightly onto the wheelchair, now without an owner.
“Jacob…You idiot!” I yelled and stamped my feet. Why?Why?Why? “Dan…” Shiva’s lower lip trembled when she called out his name. He looked up and met her eyes. His eyes were red and swollen, his face an exhausted tired mask. “It’s no use going in.” He said in a hoarse voice. “They won’t allow you to see him.” “No…” Shiva made as if to move inside. “I have…”
“You can’t Shiva.” He said feebly. “Look at this.” He lifted both his arms. They were full of bruises. On closer inspection, his face too were full of punch marks. “They threw me out Shiva. Punched me and hit me like anything and kicked me out. Told me…As if bestowing a huge favour…That I could take one thing I wanted as long as I left for good.” He glanced sadly at the wheelchair. “They laughed their head off when I said I wanted the wheelchair.”
“What happened Dan? What did he do?” Shiva clutched on to the wheelchair. Thunder boomed in the grey, brooding sky. “Why did he do this to us?” Her hand trembled. Tears squeezed out painfully out of his closed eyelids.
“After Dinner yesterday…He asked for his medicine. They helped him sleep. He said he was…He was feeling ill and he might have trouble sleeping. I left him at his desk. When I came back he told me to put on music. He…He wanted to make up a song and surprise you. After I put on the music, he told me to leave the tablets and glass of water near him. He told me that he would take them himself and ring for me when it was time to put him in bed…He usually did that so I didn’t think much of it but… but…” He let out a sound like a dog howling. “When he didn’t ring for a long time… I went to check on him…He…” Dan burst into tears. “Why? If you had wanted to get away from here Jacob, you should have just told me. I would have taken you somewhere else…I would have followed you to the end of the earth, you idiot! Why couldn’t you see that? You always bragged about how much you saw through people…Why couldn’t you see how much I’d miss you???”
For a minute Shiva stared at the broken man, her eyes brimming with tears. Then she sobbed…She sobbed and went down on her knees. “I’m sorry, Dan…” She wailed. “Jacob…I’m…I’m sorry…” The rain poured down “I’m sorry, Dan…” She wailed. “Jacob…I’m…I’m sorry…” The rain poured down harder. Lightening flashed viciously in the sky.
Dan looked absolutely alarmed. He held her firmly and pulled her up. “Please…” He said. “It’s not your fault.”
“It is…” Shiva pushed him away. “If I…” “Let’s not play the blame game Shiva.” He sighed and turned away. “No matter how much I blame myself for not watching him carefully last night…No matter how much you blame yourself…He’s gone. Our words or tears are not going to bring him back.”
“Dan…”
“There’s nothing we can do, Shiva…” He clenched his fists. “Nothing…We can’t even say a final goodbye…Dammit!” “Dan…I…”
“We might as well leave right now.”
“No.” Shiva said, wiping tears from her eyes. “We…We can’t…We just can’t leave him like that.”
“Shiva…We…What can we do?”
“He is our friend, Dan.” She said. Her voice was choked by tears. “We can’t just leave him without saying goodbye…” “He can’t hear us anymore…”
“No…” Shiva cried. “I…I can’t believe that! I won’t believe that!”
“What do you want to do then, Shiva? Barge in there and…”
“No…Come with me, will you?”
The park was disgusting, a huge mess of mud and garbage. The stink was unbearable. Yet Shiva or Dan didn’t even flinch. They walked on, to the same spot where the three of them first met. Shiva sat down in the mud and closed her eyes, as if in prayer. Then slowly using her finger, she wrote Jacob’s name in the mud.
“Would you get some flowers for me, Dan?”
Dan nodded. He rushed to a nearby shop and returned with a bouquet of red and white roses. “He loved roses…” He said sadly, as he passed the bouquet to her. Shiva put it gently over Jacob’s name. She stroked it gently for a while and suddenly broke into sobs. “You broke your promise Jacob…You…You told me you’d be there today…You said…Why? You said you wanted to see me smile…Would I smile if today…You said…Why? You said you wanted to see me smile…Would I smile ifVIBGYOR
you were gone…”
“Shiva…”
“He loved me Dan…And you…You meant a lot to him…He cared about you so much…Why then? Why did he believe even for a second that leaving us behind like this would be good for us…I thought he knew us better than that…”
Dan laid his hand on her shoulder. He was having difficulty holding back his own tears. “Maybe its better if you…”
“I AM NOT GOING HOME!!!” She screamed. “If I leave right now without finishing what I have to say…He’ll think…He’ll think I moved on easily…” “Shiva…” “Jacob, I know you can hear me. What you did was horribly selfish…You hurt me and Dan so badly. It wasn’t noble or self-sacrificing. It was a cowardly act. You thought only about yourself….You didn’t give a damn about how we would feel if we took the easy way out. I hate you!” She hit the bouquet repeatedly with her hands. “I…I…”
She fell on the bouquet and wept. “I miss you…I…I love you…”
“Is this what you wanted, Jacob?” Dan’s tears broke loose too. “I wish you could see this…I hope you realize now how much you meant to us.” The rain had slowed down. But not by much. Thunder and lightening were in full swing. People disappeared from the street as darkness set in. Still Dan and Shiva remained in the park, goodbyes refusing to come out of their mouths. Dan did not remind Shiva of the time even after the watch on his hand announced 8:00 pm. Shiva’s cellphone rang about a thousand times but she didn’t pick up. After about ten minutes I saw Mr. Raghunath’s car passed the park. I heard a slight commotion in the direction of Jacob’s apartment building. Then, the car came back much too slowly. It stopped in front of the park.
“There you are!” Mr. Raghunath yelled as he got out of the car. “Your mother and I nearly died of worry. What in the world do you think you are doing…You’re soaked!”
Shiva was kneeling over the now ruined bouquet, shaking with silent sobs. She was stroking it with one hand, her eyes dead and empty. Her father ran to her and held her but she didn’t even move. He called out to her and shook her but still no response. Dan, who himself looked as broken as her, snapped out of his trance of grief.
“Shiva…” He said gently. But somehow that managed to enrage Mr. Raghunath. He threw down his umbrella and spat at Dan.
“Why can’t you and your friend leave my daughter alone! He died yet…” In one split second, all the sadness in Dan’s face vanished. His eyes blazed as he towered over Mr. Raghunath. “STOP!” He took several steps towards him, clenching his fists. “IF ONE MORE WORD…”
Mr. Raghunath cowered for the briefest of moments but he recovered quickly. He glared at Dan. “I am gla
d your friend is gone. If you had brains you will be glad for it too.”
THUD! Dan’s fist smashed Mr. Raghunath’s nose. In another minute they were on the ground, rolling unceremoniously on the ground. Dan punched every inch of Mr. Raghunath’s body he could reach. The older man squirmed and wriggled in his grip.
“You killed him…” Dan screamed as he slapped Mr. Raghunath. “How…” A particularly loud thunder rumbled. It startled the two men, making them both sit up. They noticed something which I had noticed ages ago. Shiva hadn’t even noticed the fight. Pale as a ghost, she was still weeping over the bouquet.
“Shiva…” Dan started towards her but Mr. Raghunath got there first. He pulled her up easily as if she were a doll and lead her to his car. She walked slowly, her eyes strangely unfocused. When he helped her into the car she looked at him as though he was a total stranger. Without thinking, I got in beside her. Just as Mr. Raghunath started the car, Shiva collapsed in her seat.
CHAPTER 35
Everything was cold. So cold…It had been a week since Shiva collapsed in her car seat and ended up in hospital with high fever. The sickness that had affected her body was nothing serious. A mere four days of a hospital room and medicines had cured it. But whatever had caught hold of her mind was a different matter altogether.
It was as if she was frozen inside an ice-cube. She didn’t move around much, unless she absolutely had to. She didn’t smile, talk, argue or fight. The twinkle of hope inside her eyes had completely died. It was as if Shivani wasn’t there anymore. If it weren’t for the occasional outburst of tears, she might as well as been a statue. All I could do was sit beside her and pray. I missed Goldy…I mourned her loss as much as Shiva mourned Jacob’s. It was too sad and lonely without her by my side. I didn’t even want to think about the many many weary years ahead of me. Whatever happened to Shiva now, I would have to witness it. And bear with those memories for the rest of my existence
VIBGYOR Page 36