Just thinking about the ministry made me tingle. It was as if I were born for this task.
By the time I returned from the meeting, stopped at the grocery store, and picked up Lilah from Mrs. Johnson’s place, it was almost time for Joshua to get home from work. I scurried around the already posh apartment, fluffing every throw pillow and neatening the tablecloth, making sure everything was perfect. I set a pot of water on the stove to boil so I could make spaghetti. Then I proceeded to let the seasoned ground beef simmer in the skillet as I continued to slice green peppers into it. Lilah sat at the kitchen table quietly playing with her doll until we heard the front door open.
I lifted Lilah into my arms, and we went to greet her father at the door. “Hi, baby.”
“Daddy, Daddy,” Lilah squealed as I plopped her down in front of him.
“Hi, you two.” Joshua looked tired and tense. He gave me a quick kiss on the lips, and bent over to give Lilah a peck on the cheek.
I grabbed his arm and led him toward the center of the room. Lilah followed.
Joshua tugged at one of Lilah’s thick, wavy ponytails. “Something smells really good.”
“It’s your favorite,” I said, still holding his arm.
Then he loosened himself from my grip, went to his desk, took out his checkbook and bank statements, and started hitting the digital calculator. I didn’t dare bother him, but I knew he looked worried. Whatever it was I wished he would’ve shared it with me. Lilah ran over to hug her father. He scooped her up in his arms, and I could see the joy on his face. He really did love children, and I felt a little sorry for him. I was sorry I couldn’t easily give him the second child he longed for. I walked over and hugged them both tightly. This was my new family, and I’d do anything for them.
Lilah giggled and ran off without a care in the world. Instantly, I remembered Kiano and the little mud huts from his village. I knew that a boy his age should be just as carefree as Lilah, but he wasn’t. I decided in my mind that I had to get him out of there soon. Yet I didn’t want to bother Joshua with my concerns.
I walked up behind my husband and threw my arms around him. With a look of surrender, he sat back and let me massage his back for a few minutes.
“Mmm, that feels so good,” he said.
“You’re so tight, Joshua.” I squeezed his upper back and shoulders.
“Yeah.”
I sat on his lap. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
He kissed me on the forehead, pushing me gently off his lap. “I’m fine.”
I knew he wasn’t. I just couldn’t figure out why he was acting so different. I went back into the bedroom, paced the hardwood floor for a while, then sat on the edge of my bed with my head in my hands. I wasn’t sure what was wrong or when it had gone wrong.
Before I knew it, I had picked up the phone to call my dad. I hadn’t had a serious talk with him since before the wedding. Sure, I had seen him, and we chatted a little, but still we hadn’t talked like we used to.
Dad sounded like he had been sleeping. “Alex, is that you?”
“Yes, Dad. How are you?”
“I’m okay, but what’s wrong?”
I sighed. “Nothing, Dad.”
“Oh, come on, I’m your father. You can’t lie to me. I can hear it in your voice.” Dad cleared his throat. “Something is wrong. Now, what happened?”
“It’s nothing, really. I’m just a little tired.”
“Okay. How is Joshua?”
“He’s fine, just very busy,” I sighed. “Always working when he gets home.”
“Oh, I see.”
“He’s just swamped with work this time of year, that’s all.” I couldn’t believe that I was making excuses for him. Love covers all things.
“If you say so,” Dad grunted.
“Why do you sound so skeptical?”
Dad chuckled. “Because you called me, remember?”
“I know, and I’m sorry.” I paused before continuing. I had to take time to organize my thoughts and speech. “I guess neither of us has been acting like ourselves lately.”
Dad coughed, a consequence of his previous years of smoking. “Maybe the two of you are working too hard at everything. Maybe you need a little break, Alex.”
“Maybe you’re right,” I said.
“Are you sure you’re all right?”
I hesitated for a moment before I decided not to go deeper. “Yes, I am. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Get some rest. Good night.”
“You too. Nite.” I hung up the phone, feeling slightly foolish.
Was I that desperate that I had to run back to my daddy like a little girl? Mama always said I was a daddy’s girl. Maybe she was right. In any case, I needed someone. I just wasn’t sure getting my dad involved in my marital problems was the right answer.
Chapter Ten
Joshua
A draft came in from the hallway as I kissed my wife and daughter good-bye. Alex was wearing one of her old cutoff T-shirts that she liked to sleep in. The sight of her beautiful legs and thighs made me want to turn around and go back inside the apartment. Instead, I whispered something sweet in her ear and gave her a look that promised I’d be back. My wife was a beautiful, thick woman, and I loved every inch of her. I squeezed Lilah once more and ran out the door with my briefcase in my hand.
I still had my beautiful wife on my mind when I got downstairs to the parking garage and jumped into my Lincoln Navigator. Since I was on my way to work, I had to start thinking about business, banking business, because I never knew what challenges were ahead of me. Driving through Brooklyn streets didn’t bother me as much as it used to when I first moved here from Rochester.
Back then, the streets here made me crazy. I prayed for God to deliver me from these wild drivers, honking their horns while giving me the bird or just plain cussing me out just because they’re New Yorkers, but now I was used to it. I smiled as I saw a lady who looked like she was in her midtwenties crossing the intersection with a baby stroller. Immediately, I thought of Alex and our baby, or at least the one I was going to make.
These days I was on Alex so much I was tired, she was tired, and I didn’t know how we were ever going to have a child this way. I just knew that we needed to have one. And the more I thought about it, the more I needed it to be. Alex mentioned that we might need to see Pastor Martin for counseling, but personally, I felt like I had everything under control.
By the time I arrived at work and got settled, customers were clamoring at my door to get the financial solutions they needed. I was happy to oblige. There were loans and more loans to approve and deny. That was my job, and I did it well. It gave me a certain satisfaction when I helped people with their banking matters. It was like I was inadvertently helping them get their lives in order. On top of that, numbers were like a game to me. Ever since I could remember, I’d play number games in my head, and banking was just an extension of that. I drummed my fingers on my desk, thinking about the money Alex and I had saved in our account. It was not enough for the down payment on a church property we needed or for the house we needed. Nor was it enough to pay off all the bills we had accumulated. It was only a tiny speck in the span of things, a sad representation of my commitment to my work and my family.
When I got the chance, I pulled Simon to the side and told him that I was really strapped with bills.
“That’s too bad, Josh. Times are tough these days,” he said.
I tried to remain optimistic. “They certainly are, but a raise would really help to stabilize my situation.”
Simon adjusted his reading glasses. “Right, right.”
He’d been promising me a raise for a while, and it was long overdue. Against my better judgment, I sat in Simon’s office practically pleading my case while he sat back in his chair, thumbing through papers. Finally, he brushed me off by answering a phone call while I was still talking.
He held the phone away from his ear and whispered. “I’ll get back to you la
ter.”
It was always the same story. Suddenly, I began to feel agitated, and I couldn’t wait until the workday was over.
Besides work, Bible study provided just the escape from my problems that I needed.
Alex, Lilah, and I arrived at Missionary right on time. Alex helped me to straighten my tie, and then gave me a big juicy kiss on the lips before we went in. It made me love her even more.
After the initial hugs and handshakes from random members, we separated. Alex went to go sing with the praise team while I took Lilah down to the children’s ministry. Sister Sarah greeted us at the door as I signed Lilah in.
“See ya later, Daddy,” Lilah said.
“See ya, sweetie,” I replied.
By this time I could hear the praise team singing “It Ain’t Over” in the sanctuary. I clapped my hands to the beat as I walked upstairs. Just as I reached the top of the stairs and pushed open the door, I came face-to-face with Yvonne Johnson. She wore a short, clingy skirt suit with a plunging neckline and tall, black boots. Same cute, flirty Yvonne.
“Hello, Deacon Joshua.” She walked over to me and touched my shoulder.
I sighed. “Hello, Yvonne.”
She must’ve noticed that I tensed up at her presence because she smiled and stepped back.
“Don’t worry. It’s hands off for me now.” Yvonne put her hands in the air.
“Right.” I was a little thrown off by her comment.
“No, really. I never got a chance to apologize for how I acted last year.”
“It’s not necessary.” I put my hand up, indicating that I wanted her to stop.
Her curly red hair framed her face. “No, it is necessary. I know better now.”
“I understand,” I said.
“I should’ve respected your relationship with Sister Alex. I knew you two were engaged, but I still ...”
She was right about that. If she had respected our relationship, Alex and I would’ve never had to confront the jealousy issue along with our many other issues. I was never interested in Yvonne, even though I’ve got to admit the attention from a woman like her was flattering. She should’ve stuck to her own thing, whatever that was, instead of trying to mess up Alex and me. But I was over that now.
“No, really, it’s okay,” I said, backing away from her.
“It’s just that I was new here and in a big city like this—you can get real lonely.”
“I get it.”
“I let myself get too carried away.” Yvonne looked down at the floor. “I’m sorry.”
I had to admit she was making me feel very strange. “I accept your apology.”
Yvonne sighed. “Well, I hope we can be friends now.” “Sure. I’ll see you around church,” I said, turning away.
Yvonne walked away. “Right. Bye.”
Her musky perfume lingered in the air. I had little doubt that Yvonne was trying to be sincere. Poor Yvonne. She looked embarrassed. I figured it must be hard to be in a big city with only her overbearing aunt by the name of Winifred. I hoped she had really turned her life around, and wouldn’t try to come between Alex and me again. Either way, I walked into the sanctuary to find my wife. I didn’t have time for Yvonne’s issues. I had too many of my own.
Chapter Eleven
Alex
The new year was here, yet every day I went to work feeling more and more sluggish. I stepped into the lobby with what seemed like the weight of the world on my shoulders. An appropriate scripture popped into my head. My yoke is easy and my burden is light. Deep inside, I knew I’d have to give my worries to the Lord eventually, if I expected any peace at all. But being my determined self, I wasn’t ready to let go of the sulking yet.
Marisol met me in the lobby with her usual super-bubbly personality, but I wasn’t in the mood. Too little sleep and tension with Joshua had all but broken my spirit. Since my evenings were filled with ovulation tests, making sure my body temperature and the atmosphere were perfect for conception, I was burned out. The daily procedures took all the romance out of our relationship because we had to make it happen instead of being in the mood. The only thing left was a sense of hopelessness lingering in the darkness, hovering over our bedroom. Then, of course, there was the frequent bickering because we were under so much stress. I wondered when the cycle would end.
I was always so exhausted because I had problems getting to sleep. I kept wondering what would happen if I couldn’t have Joshua’s child? Would he grow to resent me or stay with me out of obligation? Then I told myself, no. The Lord said be fruitful and multiply so this was His will. Not mine. I just couldn’t accept my barrenness without a fight. Joshua was up all hours of the night, looking like a madman, pacing around the living room, mumbling to himself, or sitting slumped over his desk, punching those stupid calculator keys. What could possibly be so important? I wondered, but I didn’t dare ask. Joshua made sure he told me that our finances were off limits for discussion at the present time, and that it wasn’t up for negotiation. Typical male arrogance was how I summed it up. How dare he not let me know what was going on with our money. I wasn’t tripping though, at least not yet because everything appeared to be paid on schedule. Everything except Kiano’s attorney fees, that is. And that was bothering me more and more every day.
I settled in at my desk with my bottle of orange juice. I booted up my computer, then went through the files in my inbox, yawning.
Dr. Harding walked in and set a stack of files in front of me. I looked through them and realized that one of them was on the Mercy Group Home, the orphanage that Kiano lived in. It appeared that the group home would be closing down by the end of the year and splitting up the group, sending the children to other locations. They cited a lack of funds as the main reason, but the dilapidated conditions of the building, if you could call it a building, was the other reason.
Immediately a lump began to grow in my throat as I broke into a cold sweat. What would happen to my poor Kiano? Then I started to get angry. We should have had him with us by now. He should’ve already been in our apartment, warm and comfortable, playing with Lilah. The tears came without warning, and I found myself wiping them away with Kleenex. I was still crying on the inside though for my child who was lost in Kenya, and for the one who was lost in me. I didn’t know how either of them were going to make it home, but I knew I had to hold on. I knew that I couldn’t give up on either of them, that if I kept the faith, they’d both be mine.
I dialed Joshua’s number on my cell phone. “Oh, Josh.”
“What’s wrong? You sound upset.”
“I am upset. It’s the Mercy Group Home in Kenya. They’ll be closed by the end of the year.”
“That’s terrible.” Joshua sighed. “What happened?”
“I just ran across a file a few minutes ago. Money and bad conditions of the building and ...”
Joshua’s voice was sad. “It’ll be okay.”
“How will it be okay? What about Kiano? I feel so bad for him. What are we going to do to make sure it’s okay?”
“Look, I’m about to go into a meeting now, but we’ll talk about this when I get home.”
“All right then, bye.” I let him go now, but I knew we’d have it out later.
“Bye,” Joshua said.
That evening our heated conversation about Kiano was interrupted by a call from Sister Winifred down at the church. I wondered if her snake of a niece, Yvonne, had put her up to this.
In any case, she needed Joshua’s help with a few administrative issues and since the pastor and assistant pastor were both out of town, Joshua was next in the line of authority. So I watched him throw on his jacket and walk out to play hero at the church while I wondered if he would ever be a hero at home.
Chapter Twelve
Joshua
Good ol’ Sister Winifred is what I thought when I pulled up beside the church and parallel parked. She stepped out of her old station wagon, clutching her purse to her body, and looked all around her with those thick
glasses. Although I wasn’t looking forward to dealing with her, I was glad to be called away from that mess at home. Alex just didn’t seem to understand what I was going through, and I was tired of arguing. All I ever heard was complaints about Kiano and the adoption. Didn’t she realize everything I was trying to hold together already? Didn’t she know that a man could only take so much without reaching his breaking point?
I took my time before going inside the building. Sister Winifred met me at the front door with her walking cane and her cotton white hair glistening in the artificial light. “You’re late, Minister Joshua.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am, but I got here as soon as I could,” I said.
She looked me up and down. “Well, I guess it will have to do, won’t it?”
“What exactly seems to be the problem?”
“Well, it seems that we have a cutoff notice for the water and a few other things that should’ve been done.” Sister Winifred twisted her lips. “Somebody is slacking around here.”
“I’m sure it’s just an oversight, really. Pastor has a lot on his mind. I’ll take care of everything.”
Sister Winifred frowned up her wrinkled face. “Folks shouldn’t be just running in and out of town when their business ain’t in order.”
“With all due respect, Sister Winifred, I’m sure there is an explanation for all of this. I’ll get Pastor on the phone first thing in the morning.”
“Humph,” Sister Winifred said.
When I was done with the few matters at hand, I decided to grab a broom to sweep the lobby area. I was in no hurry to get home and back to the Kiano issue.
Instead, I started daydreaming about the day when God would release me to start my own little urban contemporary church. I thought about the programs we would start, the mission trips we would take, the Word I would preach, and the lives we would impact with the gospel. A few of the members started coming out of the sanctuary when I realized they’d had a choir rehearsal.
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