This definitely wasn’t how I pictured marriage would be. I had weathered the storms of abandonment by Ahmad, the twins’ father, trying for years to forget him. At first, I rebelled, drowning my sorrows in and out of meaningless relationships, and then I finally surrendered to doing it all God’s way. This spiritual commitment in me attributed to the four years I stayed celibate, longing and praying for a godly mate. I didn’t realize that I’d be giving up a part of myself to become one with this mate. It was an eye-opening truth I was just beginning to realize.
Before I could stop them, the tears overcame me and I lay crying into my pillow. I must’ve fallen asleep because the next thing I knew I woke up with side splitting cramps, shooting up my whole front side and my back.
All of a sudden, I felt a discharge in my panties. I wasn’t sure what it was. I went to the restroom to check and saw the bright red droplets and my heart raced. Yes, I was spotting.
I hopped back into the bed, bending myself into the fetal position, praying, “Jesus, Jesus, the blood of Jesus.” Those were the only words I could remember to say as the worst pain I’d ever felt tore through my body, shaking me.
I thought about my husband who was well on his way to church by now. I thought about all we’d been through and everything that was at stake. I didn’t want to lose him or to lose our dream. I didn’t want to add to his worries. So I bit my lip in silence and vowed never to say a word about the pain that ravaged my body.
Chapter Thirty
Alex
Since my pains from last night subsided shortly after they began, I was confident about going to work the next day. Besides, how would I justify taking a day off anyway without explaining it to Joshua? The morning went by without any significant issues, just a little bloating. By midday, I began to feel really nauseated, and I felt that discharge again. First, I tried to ignore it. Then I started to pray when I realized it was serious. Soon, I started to feel dizzy.
Fortunately, Marisol noticed me about to topple over at the copy machine and slid a chair under me just in time. She called Joshua for me, and then she dialed 911.
Before I even knew what was happening, I was being carted away in an ambulance to Brooklyn Hospital. There was an oxygen mask over my face, an IV in my arm, and an ache in my heart.
The very first thing they did was strip me down to a thin paper gown and hook me up to the heart monitor so they could hear the baby’s heartbeat. Then they slapped that sticky, cold jelly on my belly and did a quick ultrasound. Although I wasn’t exactly sure of what was going on, I could hear the doctors and nurses mumbling about blood pressure, and about the baby’s heart rate dropping. I was terrified. Jesus, please save my baby.
I guess I could say it went downhill from that point. I ended up in ICU with needles and tubes everywhere. The next thing I knew, I was sitting on a high table in stirrups being poked, prodded, and violated with every invasive procedure there was under the sun. Eventually, I was admitted and diagnosed with placenta previa.
When Joshua arrived about thirty-five minutes later, he was both devastated and apologetic. He stood at my bedside looking like a lost sheep. But I was no shepherd; I was ambivalent about his remorse. As far as I was concerned, he was not on my side.
Dr. Henley came in and explained that he feared placental abruption, and as a result, I would have to be put on bed rest indefinitely. It was one of the hardest days of my life, and I felt more vulnerable than I ever had.
“Bleeding in the second trimester of pregnancy is quite common. The greatest risk of placenta previa is bleeding.” Dr. Henley seemed to look at both of our faces for our reaction.
I was sure he noticed the fear in mine, even though I didn’t say anything. Joshua held me close to him, and I depended on his strength.
Dr. Henley continued. “Bleeding often occurs as the lower part of the uterus thins during the third trimester of pregnancy in preparation for labor. This causes the area of the placenta over the cervix to bleed. The more of the placenta that covers the opening of the cervix, the greater the risk for bleeding.”
“Okay,” I swallowed hard.
“There are other risks.” Dr. Henley pulled his beard. I finally managed to speak. “Like what, Doctor?” Dr. Henley sighed, but didn’t hesitate. “Abnormal implantation of the placenta, slowed fetal growth, preterm birth, birth defects, or infection after delivery.”
“I see,” Joshua said.
I started to cry, and Joshua hugged me close to him. I was only in my sixth month, and I was afraid.
“This is serious, but not impossible, not for God, that is.” Dr. Henley came through again with his warm smile and his unshakable faith.
“So what’s next, Doc?” Joshua asked, still holding me in his arms.
“I’ll run some more tests, prescribe some pain medication, and we’ll keep you under observation for a while. But until then, don’t worry.”
I nodded. Joshua took my hand in his. We prayed together, and we survived that day.
The next day went by slowly as I endured the many depressing hospital routines and contemplated my delicate condition. My doctor insisted that I remain in the hospital for further observation and tests, but I was restless. Never did like hospitals at all. The last time I had been in one was when I almost died from that infection over ten years ago, and that memory didn’t help to ease my anxiety.
Later that evening, I looked up from my hospital bed and there was Seger, standing in the doorway. He was dressed in a two-piece brown suit, so I assumed he was coming straight from work.
“Sister Alex.” Seger leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.
“Brother Seger. What are you doing here?” I’m sure my face lit up. “It’s only four o’clock. Shouldn’t you still be at work?”
Seger laughed. “And what if I’m playing hooky?”
“Ooh, I’m telling Dr. Harding,” I said, playfully.
“I didn’t see you at work yesterday so I asked Dr. Harding about you, and he told me you were in the hospital. So I had to come and see you.”
“I’m glad you’re here.” Suddenly, I could feel tears building up in my eyelids. The pressure of this emotional ordeal threatened to make me crack.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I swallowed the lump in my throat.
Seger came closer to the bed and gently touched my face. “No, really, what’s wrong? I can see that you’ve been crying.”
I tried to smile through my tears. “I’ve just been going through a lot, that’s all.”
“And the baby?”
“The baby is safe.” I remembered the risk of placental abruption.
“Good,” Seger said.
“I’ve just had a few complications from an injury I suffered some time ago.” My mind briefly transported me back to that dark rainy day when I got the abortion.
“I see.”
I sighed. “I’ll be fine.”
Seger put his finger up to my eyelid as if a tear were there. “I’m sure you will, but right now, you look so sad.”
I whispered, “It’s just that there is so much else going on.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I considered what I would say before I answered.
Seger probed. “Problems at home?”
“No, it’s nothing like that.” I was careful not to give out information that Joshua and I would argue over later. “It’s just that I wanted to adopt Kiano, and now ... I just don’t know if I can.”
“But you’ve already started the process?”
“Barely started. Everything has just stopped,” I said.
Seger looked like he was deep in thought. “And the orphanage will be closing soon.”
Just the sound of it made me sad. An orphanage closing. It was like a sad ending to a long, heartbreaking movie. Unfortunately, Kiano was both the victim, and he had the starring role. Suffering was the theme, and self-preservation was our shame. I hated that we couldn’t get him out of there for our own se
lfish, self-absorbed reasons. I mean, so what if a few bills fell behind, or if we had to cut back a little more? It would have been worth it just to see his innocent face finally happy and security in his eyes.
“Yeah, I know,” I said.
“You won’t be able to get him to the U.S. before the orphanage closes?”
“It’s not looking too good right now.”
“I see.”
I had to explain more because I didn’t want him judging us or looking down on Joshua.
“Everything was in motion, but we had to stop because—well, I was going to work more hours but ...” I mumbled and sniffled.
“Hold on,” Seger said. “I’m confused. More hours?”
“Yeah, I was going to try to do full-time again.”
“Oh, I see. You wanted to work full-time hours?”
“Yes,” I said.
“But I thought you were happy with part-time?”
“I am. I mean, I was.” I closed my eyes and sighed. “The hours are great but—”
“What exactly is the problem?”
“I need the full-time pay.” I dropped my head down in shame. “We can’t adopt Kiano now because we can’t afford it. It’s just impossible now,” I said.
Seger hardly blinked the whole time. “Nothing is impossible for God.”
“Don’t get me wrong. My husband is a very successful banker and a hard worker. It’s just that we’ve got so much debt now with his college bills and a lot of previous expenses from his first marriage. And now with the new baby ...” I wished so many times we didn’t owe anyone anything. There were so many things I wanted to do concerning the ministry, but our debt, just like Pastor Martin said, was a form of bondage. I wanted to break loose and be free, but I was bound to those I owed. “Oh, it’s a long story.”
“Then keep it short.”
I looked into Seger’s dark eyes and sensed his genuine concern. “My mother-in-law originally promised she’d help with the legal expenses so we could make Kiano a part of our family.”
“But now?”
“Now she’s a little upset with us because Joshua won’t take over his father’s position as senior pastor of their church.”
“Oh,” Seger said.
“Since Joshua won’t give up the idea of starting his own church, she has given up on us.”
“I see.”
I said it all so matter-of-factly, disgusted with the whole pathetic story myself. “His parents pastor this huge church downtown, and his dad is sick so—”
“Let me guess. The bishop wants his son to take over so he can retire, right?”
“Right,” I answered.
“Messy situation,” Seger said.
I shook my head, remembering the many disputes we had with Mother Benning over this issue. “Oh, you have no idea.”
“What about his other siblings? Any brothers?”
“None. He’s an only child.”
“How unfortunate for him.” Seger shook his head.
“Tell me about it.”
Seger chuckled, revealing perfectly white teeth. “That’s why we believe in having big families in Africa.”
I fluffed my pillow and leaned back from exhaustion. “Keep the women barefoot and pregnant, huh?”
Seger chuckled. “I guess you could say that.”
I snickered. “You’re beginning to sound like my husband.”
“Really?” I can see that Brother Joshua and I have a lot in common.” Seger’s eyes danced from my head to my toes.
I ignored his last comment. “In any case, that’s where we are—nowhere.”
“That’s too bad.”
I felt my eyes filling up with tears. “I don’t know how we’re going to break it to Kiano.”
Seger looked like he was thinking. He scratched his head and focused in on my eyes. “What a shame.”
“That’s why I was hoping I’d be able to put in more hours or something and help us raise the money we need, but now ... this.”
“Oh, now I see the situation.”
“So since I’m on bed rest and can’t work anymore at all, there goes my shot at making extra money, or any money, for that matter.” I dropped my head as I spoke.
“Sounds like you’ve been through a lot.” Seger moved closer.
I could feel his breath on my face. “I have been, and unfortunately, it’s been getting progressively worse.”
“Remember that God is able.”
“I know that.” I waved my hand in the air. “He’s the only one I’m holding on to right now.”
Seger gently put his hand on mine and squeezed. “I’ll be praying for you.”
I looked into his kind eyes and was happy God had brought such a good friend into my life. When he leaned over to hug me good-bye, I became drunk with the smell of his cologne.
It was so masculine.
Just then, the door opened and in walked Joshua. “What are you doing here with my wife?”
Chapter Thirty-one
Joshua
After Alex was released from the hospital and I had her settled comfortably at home, I went to Big Willie’s Barbershop on Fulton Street to get a haircut. It was a midsized shop with freshly painted blue and red checkered walls. A huge flat-screen television set was mounted on the wall. Men came from all around Brooklyn to get their hair cut, beard shaved, or their shoes shined. Not only would a man leave fresh and clean, but he would leave calmer too. Big Willie knew a lot about life, or at least that’s what the local folk thought. He was a nice, older guy. He kind of reminded me of my grandfather.
While I was there, one tall, young man was talking about how his wife had left him for another man.
“Well, she never was really yours, was she?” Big Willie asked the man. “If she was really yours, she’d still be here. Let her go. You can’t keep nothing that ain’t yours.”
I thought about it for a minute. Not exactly my grandmother’s wisdom, but not exactly wrong either.
My jaws tightened as I thought about Seger Abasi. Trust was something I had to really work on and lately, it was wearing thin. Why was he so interested in my wife? Alex claimed he was friendly to everyone, but I still believed I saw something more in his eyes when it came to her. I couldn’t stop thinking about his hands on my woman that day at the hospital.
Yes, I asked him to leave, and yes, I slammed the door in his face, but what was I supposed to do?
Was I supposed to ask him to stay and continue to push up on my woman? I didn’t hate the brother, but I didn’t want him to touch my family, not Alex or Kiano, or anything that was mine. I didn’t trust that situation at all.
The last time I trusted a woman with my whole heart, she had destroyed it. I mean, she had wrapped me around her sneaky little finger, and then set me on fire. Delilah played me just like the Delilah in the Bible played Samson. What a fool I was the first time around.
I remembered the day the hospital called me to say Delilah had died on the operating table, trying to abort our child. And probably all for the sake of ambition, to save that miserable career of hers. It was hard to believe she loved her career more than me. Yes, it was the worst day of my life. Not only was she gone, but she had taken my unborn child with her, the one I never even knew about. I didn’t know how to react or how to feel. It hurt more than anything, but how was a real man supposed to feel when my whole life had been stolen from me? Was I supposed to feel angry or suicidal? I didn’t know. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t read.
There were no books on it that I knew of. Sure, there were books on grief, but this grief was different because it was mixed with rage.
And how was I to tell my judgmental mother that the woman she had warned me about on several occasions not to get myself involved with had died and taken her second grandchild with her to the grave? “Was the child even yours, Joshua?” Mother had said, and I cried out even more, even as I cursed the possibility. Had Delilah wanted to get rid of the child because it wasn’t min
e? I didn’t know which thought was worse, but I knew she had taken the truth with her to the grave. I used to wonder if I’d ever get over it, if I’d ever trust a woman again.
I blinked away the memory as I sat in Big Willie’s chair and listened.
I didn’t have all the answers, but I knew I loved Alex. God blessed me with her, and even though I didn’t want Seger anywhere near her at all, I wasn’t willing to lose her.
When I arrived home, Alex met me at the door. She didn’t look happy to see me, but she looked relieved.
“I’m sorry, so sorry about arguing with you,” I said.
“I’m sorry too,” Alex sighed.
Then I said all the things I imagined my wife would want to hear. I kissed her and caressed her. “I promise that things will get better.”
She took me in her arms. “I know.”
“I’m going to give you the life you deserve.” I put my head against her breasts. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” she said, but her body seemed limp, and so did her spirit.
I was grateful that I hadn’t lost her. Yet I wondered what exactly I’d have to do to keep her, and as I looked into her vacant eyes, I wondered if it was already too late to try.
Chapter Thirty-two
Alex
After two weeks of unbearable tests, I was released from the hospital and put on bed rest.
I woke up smelling sausage and biscuits that Joshua made for everyone. It entered my nostrils and called me to the kitchen. There, the three of us ate a delicious meal before Joshua prepared to go off to work.
I sighed because it was another day at home on bed rest for me, and I didn’t like it, not one bit. There was too much I wanted to do. I logged on to my laptop, working out all the plans for the ministry. At Joshua’s insistence, Lilah left with him to go to Mrs. Johnson next door. She would stay there at least until after lunch. Then Mrs. Johnson would walk Lilah back across the hall. She would also deliver a freshly cooked meal no matter how many times I told her she didn’t have too. Sweet Mrs. Johnson, complete in her long skirts and a wrapped-up head, belonged to that holiness church up the street. No pressed hair or makeup. Just plain old pale skin and a short, nappy ’fro. She seemed happy though, for whatever that was worth, at least happy enough since she’d put out lying and cheating Mr. Johnson.
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