After Joshua had gone, I began to put together the program for Young Women’s Giving Life Ministry, incorporating all the areas I was concerned with: pregnancy, nonabortion options, prenatal care, counseling, postabortion counseling, childcare classes, workplace etiquette, abstinence, the dynamics of Christian dating, and women’s health. The issues just kept flowing, and I was anxious to address each one of them. We were meeting once a month now, but I wanted to step it up to meeting on a weekly basis. Yes, I had a lot on my plate, but all of these workshops were needed. How could I possibly abandon my girls just because I had a little setback in my personal life? That was definitely not me. Give, give, and give some more. That was me.
So I pulled myself together and tried to stay as busy as possible, typing, calling, and planning for the ministry. Mrs. Johnson brought Lilah home on schedule, but minutes later, the doorbell rang again. I put my slippers back on and slowly shuffled to the door.
“Just a minute. I’m coming,” I called out before opening the door.
It was Taylor. “Hey, girl. Let me in. It’s burning up out here.”
“Okay, okay. Come in. How are you?” I reached my arms around my sister.
“Hi, Ms. Taylor,” Lilah said.
“Hi, kid. How are ya?”
“I’m good,” Lilah said, skipping around the couch.
“She’s just getting home from Ms. Johnson’s,” I told Taylor.
“Oh, I see.” Taylor took off her coat. “How was your day, sweetheart?”
Lilah picked up her doll. “It was okay.”
“I know. Why don’t we all play a game?” I reached into the hall closet and pulled out the Uno cards.
Taylor pointed to herself as if my suggestion was a joke, then she gave in and said, “Sure, why not?”
The three of us played six rounds of Uno. It reminded me of my childhood and how Taylor and I would play games with our mother. I couldn’t wait for Taylor to marry Keith and have kids. Then we’d really be a unit.
Afterward, I took Lilah to her room to watch Dora and led Taylor into the kitchen so I could start my stew. I began to cut up potatoes, carrots, and onions. “I’ve got to get this dinner started.”
“Aren’t you supposed to stay off of your feet as much as possible? Why are you cooking?” Taylor questioned.
“It’s not that serious. I’m only throwing a few things into a pot with this beef. Then I’ll sit down.”
“Okay, but you look like a hot mess.”
“Well, thanks a lot, diva.” I thought about the fact that I was still in my pajamas, had just taken off my head scarf, and that I hadn’t used any kind of skin cream in a couple of days.
“I’m just sayin’, fix yourself up a little or something.” Taylor started adjusting the collar on my robe. “If I had known, I could’ve brought my stuff and given you a makeover.”
I slapped her hand away. “Oh, do I look that bad?”
Taylor put her hand in my uncombed hair and frowned. “You ain’t looking good, if that’s what you’re asking.”
I took a playful swing at her, and she ducked. “How can I look good, or even care, when it feels like I’m living in hell?”
“Well, you sure don’t look like you’re living in heaven, that’s for sure.” Taylor shook her head. “What’s going on now?”
“It’s Joshua. I just don’t know what’s happening with our relationship.”
“Come on. It can’t be so bad. You two are still newlyweds, really.”
“Well, it doesn’t feel like it. Feels like we’ve been married forever.”
“Now that ain’t a good sign.”
“I just don’t know. He’s been so unapproachable lately. First, it was the fertility issue, and now that I’m pregnant, things are no better. I mean, were there warning signs before? Did I miss something?”
Taylor shook her head. “Nah, sweetie. You just did the unthinkable.”
“And what’s that?”
“You fell in love and got married.” Taylor laughed uncontrollably. “Can’t say I didn’t warn you, but he’s all yours now.”
“I know, and I do love him. I just pray that things will change.”
“I’m praying for you too.”
Taylor stayed for half an hour longer, and then she called a cab to take her back to the gym. Push It Fitness Center was solace for Taylor, and I was glad she had something to keep her mind off her legs.
I continued to dice carrots and onions until I put them all into the pot to let them simmer.
After noticing the time, I also put a kettle of water on for Joshua’s tea. It was so hot though, I really should’ve made iced tea instead. I had to hurry because I wanted everything to be ready when he came home. I really hoped he wouldn’t come home moody like he had been lately. I hoped he was ready to talk, or at least ready to embrace me—like he had at the beginning of our marriage, not the way he did since we’ve been on this fertility ride.
My doorbell rang again, and I answered it, thinking that maybe Taylor was back for some reason. When I swung the door open wide, there was Seger looking down at me. I was a little hesitant to let him in, but I let my courteous nature overrule my good sense.
“Hello,” Seger said.
“Oh, hi, Seger.” I stood back and let him walk inside. Once he was in, I blocked him from going any further.
As if he sensed my hesitation he said, “I’ll only be here for a minute.”
“You didn’t have to come all the way down here to—”
“Actually, I had some business to take care of downtown so ...”
“You know I’d like to apologize again for by husband’s attitude the other day at the hospital. I—”
“Don’t. That’s not necessary.” Seger cleared his throat.
“I understand. If I had a wife as beautiful as you, I’d be looking out too.”
I paused. “It was very embarrassing.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Seger said. “Listen, I don’t mean to bother you, but I was thinking about your situation, and I think I may have a resolution.”
“Really?” I was both curious and nervous at the same time about him being here. If Joshua knew Seger was anywhere near his house, he’d be upset.
“Yes.”
“Well, don’t tease me with it.” I smirked at the thought that Seger might have an answer to my problems. “What is it?”
At that point, Seger walked past me and sat down in one of our leather armchairs. “I can give you the money you need.”
“Oh no. We couldn’t do that. We wouldn’t,” I said.
“Okay, then, a loan, perhaps?” Seger handed me an envelope. “Here is a formal proposal.”
“You’re very generous, but that’s a lot of money, and besides, Joshua wouldn’t like it.”
“Talk to him about it and see. If he really wants to adopt Kiano, and that’s the priority, then the rest shouldn’t matter.”
“It shouldn’t, but it does.” I sat on the arm on the couch facing him, nervously swinging my leg back and forth.
“Maybe he’ll at least consider it.” Seger leaned forward.
“Maybe, but I seriously doubt it,” I said.
“Oh, don’t doubt, my sister.” Seger smiled. “You’ve got to have faith in order for it to come to pass.”
“Look, I know that but—” I hopped up and walked over beside him as if I were ready to lead him to the door. “I don’t think it’s a good idea that you’re even here right now, so thanks for the offer, but you’ve got to go.”
Right on cue, he stood up and walked to the front of the room. “Your husband is a businessman. He can look at this as a business deal if he wants.”
Seger sounded very convincing, even though I was almost positive that my husband wouldn’t go for it. Maybe if he didn’t already dislike Seger the outcome would be different.
“Well ...”
“We can have contracts drawn up, and it can all be very official and professional,” Seger said.
There was no need to hurt his feelings. “I don’t know, Seger, but thanks again for the offer. It was sweet.”
Seger stared at me. “You’re welcome.”
“No, really. I appreciate it.” I touched his arm in a sisterly way and smiled.
“I just want Kiano to have the parents he deserves,” Seger said.
Parents. That was such a big word. I thought about mine and how carelessly they raised me. How my father was not there for me much of the time. But I turned out okay, I guess. But really, what kind of parents did anyone deserve? The ones that would love them, take care of them, support them, and that teaches them about God. The list went on and on. I knew that Joshua and I had a lot of love to give despite our shortcomings. I just hoped that love was enough.
“Thanks again.” I sighed, realizing Joshua would soon be coming home. “You really need to go now.”
Seger walked slowly toward the door, and then turned to me. “Of course. Take care of yourself.”
By this time I was holding the door open and ready to practically push him out of it. “You too.”
“And don’t forget to run this idea by your husband.” Again, I thought about what he was offering. “I don’t think Joshua will like it.”
At that same moment I looked up and saw Joshua standing in the doorway. “Joshua won’t like what?”
Chapter Thirty-three
Alex
Okay, so it was official. Joshua and I were on serious cease and desist. By the time I finished explaining to him about Seger’s offer, he was livid. Couldn’t he understand how important Kiano’s adoption was to me and that Seger was just trying to be helpful?
Joshua was pacing across the hardwood floors in our living room as I sat on the couch.
“First, you’re out there working too hard, trying to help everyone. I mean, you knew this pregnancy was high risk from the beginning, but you insisted on continuing with these projects.”
“What projects? It’s one project, and that’s the Young Women’s Giving Life Ministry. You know how important that is to me.”
“What about me? Aren’t I important to you?”
“That’s a stupid question, Josh.”
“You’re out there trying to help everybody else. You’ve got to slow down and help us, okay?” He stopped and turned to face me.
“I’m sorry.” I avoided his eyes.
Joshua looked solemn. “I don’t want to lose you or this baby.”
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“I don’t know what I’d do if—” he snapped back. “You can’t be sneaking around behind my back, making adoption plans and undermining my authority by talking to people like Seger about our marital problems.”
“First of all, I’m not sneaking and doing anything. Not like you were sneaking around with Yvonne planning to meet with a surrogate mother. Second, I’m not trying to undermine you in anyway. And third, Kiano is not a marital problem.”
“But it is our problem, and it’s none of anyone’s business. I don’t need some African missionary—”
“Now, that’s not nice at all. I’m disappointed in you.” I couldn’t believe he said that. Was he that insecure that he would resort to using ethnic slurs in order to tear down Seger? Was this really the man I married?
“I’m sorry, but I’m disappointed too—ever since you started this campaign against me.”
“What do you mean against you?”
“You know I’m working as hard as I can to secure our future, yet you’re out whispering about it behind my back, telling everyone how broke we are.”
“What? Now you know that’s not true.” I put both hands on my hips. “Besides, we’re not broke.”
“That’s how you make me feel, though. All I need now is your father on my back too.”
“My father? Hold up, wait a minute. What does he have to do with this?”
“That would just seal it,” Joshua said.
“Seal what?”
“Oh, come on, admit it. You know he never liked me anyway.”
“That’s not true.” I didn’t want to hear all of this.
“You know it is. I was never good enough for his precious daughter.”
“It’s not that.” I wanted to throw out something mean. “He just doesn’t like the way your family treats people, and me in particular.”
There was a lot of bad blood between the Bennings and my father. He never did like their snobbish ways. When he found out that Mother Benning had hired a private investigator in order to discredit me to Joshua before we were married, that was it for him. My father told me, for the record, that God Almighty Himself would have to come down before he fooled with the likes of them again. Now my father was stubborn so I knew not to press for any family get-togethers or anything like that any time soon. Still, I hoped he’d calm down eventually, and that this new grandbaby would help to bring us all together.
“Well, I do apologize for their behavior,” Joshua admitted. “They are too much sometimes.”
“I apologize too,” I said.
Joshua’s forehead wrinkled up. “I just don’t want my business out in the streets.”
I softened. “I’m sorry, Joshua. That was never my intention.”
“And that Seger person ...”
“Seger is a nice guy, and he’s just a friend. You know that.”
Joshua’s voice was unstable. “I don’t know what I know anymore. I see the way he looks at you.”
“Looks at me what way?”
Joshua’s jaws tightened. “Like he wishes you two were more than just friends.”
For a moment I had a flashback of Seger and me in Kenya, the time before Joshua came to claim me. He had been so compassionate with the children and generous with his advice about relationships. A devout missionary, he had shared more than his time, but also his heart with me.
It had seemed that he had a slight interest in me initially, but he had said nothing since he knew I was engaged again, and had certainly done nothing since I had been married.
Certainly nothing out of line since I was a married woman.
“Oh, come on. Seger is just friendly like that with everybody.” I waved him away with my hand. “You’re overreacting ... again.”
“I’m not.”
“You’re jealous.” I came up behind Joshua and put my arms around his waist.
“I’m not.” Joshua peeled my hands off of him and turned around to face me. He held my wrists tightly. “I’m just protecting my investment.”
“Investment?” I jerked away from his grasp. “Mr. Banker, I’m not a piece of property.”
Joshua let go of me, and I stumbled backward a little. “No, but you are my wife—or have you forgotten that?”
Chapter Thirty-four
Joshua
It’s funny that my dad told me not to ever marry a hardheaded woman, that I’d have trouble for the rest of my days if I did. I wondered why he never listened to his own advice. Of course, hardheaded was only the half of it when it came to describing my mom. But this wasn’t about Mom. This was about me and my wife. Why couldn’t she just be the wife and mother she was supposed to be? And just be happy with that? Why did I keep getting mixed up with these women who wanted more? No matter how many times I tried, I couldn’t get past the fact that Alex was disrespecting me. I mean, what did I have to do to be treated like a man?
Wasn’t a husband who loved his wife and worked hard enough for women anymore?
I didn’t even know. I hardly felt like a man of God, even though I knew I still was. Lord, help me to be the man you designed me to be. The pressure made me feel like I was losing it sometimes. I yelled at my wife. I slammed doors. I had become everything I knew I never wanted to be.
Granted, my parents didn’t act like that, so where in the world did I pick this up from?
Then I remembered the summers I spent with my aunt and uncle up in Maine when I was young. Sure, they tried to cover it up, to hide it from me and my cousins. But none of us
were blind. We could see auntie’s black eyes even under the designer sunglasses. Besides, when our uncle would slip away for a few days where no one could find him, then finally trudge back to the house with roses and jewelry, we knew it wasn’t because of love, but because of guilt. I pounded my fist against my hand because I wanted to be a better man than that. Sure, I hadn’t hit her or cheated on my wife, but I had hurt her with my actions and even my words. Why was I so angry anyway? So, knowing God, and seeing the direction I was heading, I decided it was time to get outside help.
One call to Pastor Martin’s office was all it took. His secretary made the appointment and I knew from that point on he would be willing to help as long as I wanted him to. Pastor Martin was a good man like that. He always took time out of his busy schedule to help the members of his congregation, and not just the members, but also visitors from the community as well. He walked the neighborhood encouraging people to vote. He carried food to those in need.
He went to personally visit the sick and shut-in. He organized soul-winning crusades and was first in line to knock on doors. And on any given day he could be seen cutting the grass in front of the church along with the deacons or fixing a leaky pipe in the church. Yes, he was a hands-on preacher, and I admired him for that.
I sat down in the soft leather chair in front of Pastor Martin. His sense of authority loomed over me before he even began to speak.
“To what do I owe this pleasure, Deacon, uh, excuse me, Minister Joshua?” Pastor Martin extended his hand.
The first time I counseled with him was last year after I had broken off the engagement to Alex. I was so stupid then, getting caught up in Yvonne’s web of deception, and then discovering that Alex had been keeping a big secret from me. Imagine my surprise when I found out that my fiancée was hiding the fact that she’d had an abortion years ago. The same fiancée that listened to me bare my soul about my deceased wife and how she died butchering our own child. Yet, Alex never said a word about her own experience. I must admit that was a hard one to swallow, especially given all the trust issues I was dealing with. I got over it, though.
Count It All Joy Page 17