Count It All Joy

by Ashea S. Goldson

  This visit was a little different. This time, my whole life was at stake. I smiled and shook his hand. “Pastor, there have been a lot of things on my mind lately.”

  “Things like what?”

  “Sir, I’ve been keeping some things from my wife.”

  “Oh, is that all? Well, that’s easily resolved. Just sit down with her and tell her what’s on your mind.”

  “With all due respect, sir, how can I tell Alex what is eating me up inside?” I leaned forward in the chair and put my hands on his desk. “How can I get Alex to understand the seriousness of the financial hole Delilah, my deceased wife, put me in? I mean, she knows about the bills, but she just doesn’t understand. She doesn’t know what it’s like for me to have promised to take care of her, and yet, we’re barely getting by.”

  “So you have financial issues?” Pastor Martin leaned back in his chair. “Did something change?”

  “Excuse me?”

  Pastor Martin rubbed his forehead. “You didn’t get a pay cut or lose your job, did you?”

  “No, sir, nothing like that. It’s just that we do have considerably more expenses.”

  “More expenses? Enlighten me.”

  “Like we had been seeing a fertility specialist before my wife became pregnant.”

  “A specialist. How did that come about?”

  I remembered the day Brother and Sister Jameson told us about Dr. Henley, how he had helped them through their infertility issues. This conversation took place right after we were married, just as we had started trying. I listened carefully to the details, not because I expected Alex and me to have problems conceiving, but because the Jamesons were cool people, and I was really happy for them. The whole church knew they were trying to have a baby for years, so when it finally happened for them, it was no secret. It was a celebration.

  “He was recommended by friends of ours when we weren’t able to conceive on our own.”

  “Really? And who told you that lie?” Pastor Martin didn’t play around. He said what he meant, and he meant what he said.

  “Excuse me, sir?”

  “Who told you that you couldn’t conceive on your own?” Pastor Martin looked straight at me and hardly blinked.

  “Well, no one, sir.”

  “I mean, you and Sister Alex are fairly young, and you haven’t been married that long, so I don’t understand the need to bring in a specialist.”

  “We wanted to start a family right away.”

  “I see.”

  “Anyway, it was very expensive.” I loosened my collar.

  “I can imagine.”

  I took a deep breath. “Then there are all these credit card bills in my name, as well as some joint accounts from my deceased wife.”

  “So does Alex know about these bills?” Pastor Martin pulled out a pair of glasses from his desk and put them on.

  “Yes, she knows some of it. My first wife, Delilah, was something else. She believed in having all the finer things in life at whatever cost. Alex knows that, but she doesn’t know how hard it is for me.”

  “I see.”

  “I don’t like to talk about the details, but Alex knows the woman basically sucked me dry.”

  Dry was only the half of it. Delilah was like a barracuda when it came to getting what she wanted. I only wished I hadn’t been such a weakling when she was alive and playing me.

  “Okay,” Pastor Martin said.

  “Then with my tuition expenses, and money for the new baby ...”

  Pastor Martin pulled his glasses down on his nose. “Tell me about this new baby.”

  “Like I said before, we wanted a child right away.”

  “That much is obvious if you were seeing a fertility specialist, but you already have a daughter. And you never explained the reason for the rush.”

  “Well, to be honest, Pastor, ever since I lost Delilah and the child she was carrying, I’ve felt empty.”

  “Have you grieved the loss of your first family, Joshua?”

  “I have, sir,” I answered.

  “It seems to me that you may be trying to replace that child that was lost by quickly having another one—a life for a life.”

  “I never looked at it that way before. I tried not to really look at it at all. Every time I did, it cut me to the core.”

  “That happens frequently with parents who lose children.” Pastor Martin started plundering in his desk drawer. “How does Alex feel about it?”

  “She used to think I was pressuring her, and we had a lot of problems because of it, but she’s pregnant now so ...”

  “So the baby is not necessarily a problem?”

  “No, the biggest problem is that I just don’t know how to tell her that I feel like I’m drowning in debt when I promised to take care of her.”

  Pastor Martin looked directly into my eyes. “So you feel guilty?”

  “I feel like I’m letting her down. Before we got married I told her she didn’t even have to work. I wasn’t even happy when she wanted to work part-time because I wanted her to be home with Lilah.”

  “And you wanted another child also?”

  “Yes, I wanted another child also. Now, with everything that’s going on at home and at work ... I just don’t know, Pastor,” I said.

  “What’s going on at work?”

  I remembered the missing money I’d discovered. I definitely didn’t want to get into that right now, especially since I was probably worried about nothing. “Nothing important, just work-related stress.”

  “Sit down with your wife and talk to her. Sister Alex is a sweet woman. I’m sure she’s not unapproachable.”

  “It’s not just that, but we have a child in Kenya also waiting for us to adopt him.”

  Pastor Martin opened his mouth wide. “Another child?”

  “Yes, we kind of promised the child, but that was before everything else went wrong.”

  “So there have been a lot of broken promises?” Pastor Martin shook his head.

  I knew deep inside that this was probably the biggest issue with my wife. I promised her.

  I promised her. She kept saying that over and over again. Didn’t she know that sometimes things change? If she had been in the room she’d say that I should’ve kept my promise to her no matter what. Sure, my intentions were good, but it was other unavoidable circumstances that were messing up the promise. Not me. It wasn’t my fault. Still, I felt like it was.

  “Not intentionally, but yes, there has been a lot of stress on the financial end.”

  “Mmm, that’s been a big problem these days with the recession and all.”

  “But what do I do, Pastor?”

  “Well, Brother Joshua, may I suggest that you pray and consider your priorities. What is the most important thing first and foremost? Then go down the list as far as what needs to be done now and what may have to be postponed or cancelled altogether.”

  I thought about the obvious and knew Alex wasn’t going to like it at all. “Right.”

  “I know you’ve made these plans in your mind, but what is God’s will? What does God want you to do? A righteous man’s steps are ordered by the Lord.” Pastor Martin pulled his beard. “I don’t think you need me to tell you that.”

  “No, you’re right. I’ve got to pray for guidance concerning this matter. I’ve got to seek God’s face because right now, sir, I’m a little lost.”

  “At least you’re enough of a man to admit that you feel that way. Remember, son, you might feel lost, but His sheep hear His voice.”

  Chapter Thirty-five

  Alex

  By September I was in my seventh month of pregnancy. Our one-year wedding anniversary was fast approaching, and Joshua’s dad seemed to be getting worse. His mom had already hired a temporary replacement for her husband, an interim pastor, a middle-aged minister from one of their sister churches, Minister Ezekiel. Yet, Mother Benning began sending little reminder notes about her proposal to Joshua weekly. She would remind him that he was her o
nly son, that stepping up to pastor their church was his responsibility, that she and his sickly father were depending on him. Some of the notes were pushed under the door of our apartment, some were left at his office, some came by mail, and others came by e-mail. They all said the same thing. “Your father is very ill. What would Jesus do?”

  The woman was absolutely relentless, and I could tell that she was wearing Joshua’s resistance down. He looked weary. Sometimes he would stop by Kingdom House Church to assist his mother with whatever she needed, yet she still wasn’t satisfied. She wanted more. It was as if she wanted his soul.

  I wanted to assure him that everything would be all right, that his mother would forgive him, and that his father would recover, but I wasn’t sure I was the right one to be giving guarantees. I knew a miracle was possible, but I didn’t know if it was God’s will.

  In fact, whenever we visited his dad, he appeared to be getting weaker. Sometimes the chemo left him nauseated and incoherent.

  One afternoon I went to the hospital by myself while Joshua was working. Pastor Benning seemed more alert than usual. He sat up high in the bed, with his back propped against numerous pillows, and his eyes were bright. Some of his color had returned to his pale skin, and his voice quivered less than it usually had.

  “Joshua caught a good one when he married you, Sister Alex,” Pastor Benning said.

  “Thanks, Pastor Benning. Too bad your wife doesn’t think so.”

  “My wife can be difficult sometimes. Don’t worry about her. She’ll come around eventually.” He smiled, and I could easily see that his kind demeanor was in his son.

  “I hope you’re right.”

  “My wife is a very stubborn woman, but she’s not stupid. Sooner or later, she’ll realize that you’re good for Josh.”

  “Please help Joshua to understand. He puts his mother on such a pedestal. She’s only human, you know.” Got that right. I had to really bite my tongue on that one.

  “You know, you and Joshua have got to really understand each other.”

  “Yes, sir,” I said.

  “And you’ve got to sacrifice one for the other.” He grunted in pain for a minute. “I know you all think you can put it over on us older folk, but the truth of the matter is that you can’t. Sometimes you have to be willing to give up something for your true love.”

  “Oh, I do love Joshua. Don’t worry,” I said.

  “Ah, I’ve got you this time,” Pastor Benning chuckled. “He’s not the true love I’m talking about.”

  What haven’t I given up for the Lord? I wondered. That question kept running through my mind for the rest of the day. Is there a sacrifice I’ve been unwilling to make? I mean, I did my daily Bible reading. I decided to put the thought away until another time. I already had so much rattling through my brain.

  On Sunday, I was feeling so badly that I couldn’t even go to church. I stayed bent under the covers, sweating and trying to keep myself from throwing up everywhere. Joshua and Lilah went without me. Joshua was dressed in his three-piece suit, complete with Stacy Adams shoes.

  Lilah wore her lilac and white striped satin dress with matching ribbons and black patent leather shoes. Joshua kissed me on the lips. Lilah hugged me. I hugged her back, hard, hoping she would respond to my maternal nature.

  I tried to bond with her every opportunity I could, and we had made some progress, just not as much as I had hoped. Yes, I tried time and time again. Each day there was just a string of monotonous mommy duties and disappointments, with none of the mommy rewards.

  “Good night, sweetheart,” I’d say, holding her so tightly, smelling the fresh lemon scented detergent I used on her clothes and breathing in the sweet lavender-scented lotion I used on her skin. I wanted her to feel my love. I wanted her to feel a part of me.

  Still she’d say, “Good night, Daddy. Good night, Sister Alex.”

  Sometimes, when reprimanded, she’d say “Mother Alex,” but it just wasn’t the same.

  “Give it time,” Joshua said as we settled into our own plush bed at night.

  When Mother Benning came to pick up Lilah, she only aggravated the situation. “Come on, baby, come and kiss your big mommy,” she’d say.

  It would annoy me, but there was nothing I could do about it, except to pray. I was the only one in the family who felt like an outsider. I really hoped this baby I was carrying would change things. I thought that maybe then I’d truly be Mommy.

  In any case, I didn’t make it any easier when I almost lost Lilah at the mall. We were walking through the various stores, looking at both baby and household items. I held her hand tightly as we sped through each floor of the building. We even stopped to have chili cheese dogs and orange soda in the food court. Afterward, I had heartburn but kept on moving until I came upon a new baby store. It was nothing like I had seen in the mall before. They had very old-fashioned styles like lace dresses for girls and knickers for boys hanging in the window.

  Since that suited my taste, I went in. That’s when everything went wrong.

  Somewhere between the racks of baby clothes, stacks of blankets, and the cash register, I lost sight of Lilah. Of course, I didn’t realize it at the time. She had been twirling around the clothing carousels and having big fun at my expense the whole time. It was only at the cash register when I reached down into my purse for my wallet that I noticed she wasn’t standing beside me. In fact, as I looked around and behind me, she was nowhere to be found. That’s when panic set in. I jumped out of the line, yelling Lilah’s name. There was no answer, but there were many solemn looks as people began to realize that my child was missing. I searched the small store with no success.

  “Lord, please help me,” I prayed. Then I left the store looking around, bumping into people, and apologizing along the way. I almost knocked over an older gentleman with a cane.

  Frantically, I searched the entire area in front of the store until I was out of breath. I didn’t know where she could’ve been, but the growing pit on the inside of my stomach didn’t make things any better. Just as I was about to notify security and call the police, I spotted her in a crowd across the way. She was peeking in at a puppy in a pet shop window.

  “Lilah,” I cried out.

  “Come and see.” She grinned her biggest grin, which let me know that she didn’t even realize she was lost.

  I ran over and grabbed her up into my arms.

  “Isn’t he cute?” Lilah said, pointing to the cocker spaniel.

  Personally, I never cared for pets, but he was cute. And I was relieved.

  “Don’t you ever scare me like that again, do you hear me, little girl?” I gently shook her, and then pulled her into my chest. Tears filled my eyes as I imagined the worst that could’ve happened. Thank you, Lord, for your divine protection.

  Later on that evening after Lilah had gone to bed, I told Joshua what happened.

  He gasped. “How could you have been so careless?”

  “Excuse me. I told you it was an accident.”

  “Yes, but a dangerous one.”

  “You act like I told you that I left her on purpose. I just turned my head for one second while I made my purchase.”

  “I don’t care. There was nothing you could have purchased in that store that could possibly be as important as my child’s life.”

  “Of course not. No one said it was. I just said that’s what I was there for. I was shopping, and it happened. She must’ve wandered away when I dropped her hand to take out my wallet.”

  Joshua sounded so stern. “Obviously.”

  “Why are you being so mean? I said I was sorry and that it was an accident.”

  “We can’t afford accidents like that, not ones that could cost my child her life.”

  “Oh, so now she’s your child. I thought she was our child,” I said.

  “Well, after today, can you blame me? It was a very irresponsible move, losing a four-year-old in the mall.”

  “What are you saying? I’ve taken care
of Lilah every single day for the past how many months, without any issues, and the one day that I make a mistake, you won’t let it go?”

  “Let it go? I can’t just let it go.” Joshua talked with his hands. “That’s my daughter we’re talking about.”

  “There you go again with your daughter. She’s our daughter. In the morning when I’m making her breakfast, she’s our daughter. All day long when I’m doing what I do, she’s our daughter. When I’m bathing her, dressing her, or tucking her in at night, she’s always our daughter. So why in the world, Joshua, would she suddenly become your daughter?”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that,” he said in a low voice, reaching out for me.

  “Yeah, right.” I pulled away from his reach.

  “You know she’s our daughter,” Joshua said.

  “Uh-huh.” Now I was offended.

  “Come on, now. You just scared me, that’s all.”

  “Right.” I sat with my arms folded tightly.

  Joshua sat on the couch next to me. “Come on. I’m sorry; I know it wasn’t your fault.”

  “Are you sure?” I was ready to go off on a brother, even though that was more of my sister’s style than mine. “Because I can explain again and hold my own.”

  “No, I just love you and Lilah so much. I don’t want anything to happen to either of you.”

  Joshua held me tightly against his chest. I didn’t move, wondering what his tune would have been if Lilah hadn’t been found.

  Chapter Thirty-six

  Alex

  The Push It Fitness Center had always been an awesome gym, but ever since Taylor and Keith had purchased it, it was becoming even better. Besides state-of-the-art equipment, the center was now filled with African artistry. There was a glass showcase of shells, pottery, and figurines. Then there were the big prints on the walls, none of them original, but breathtaking just the same. Fresh paint covered most of the walls. The renovations were almost done.