I didn’t need that kind of help. What in the world made her do a dumb thing like that?
Those evil cameras caught her every move, her every curve, and they were sure to get a close-up shot of me and Yvonne cheek to cheek.
The reporter was in her glory. “Miss, are you aware of the embezzlement that’s being investigated at this bank?”
Yvonne looked surprised by her question. “No, but I can say that Minister Joshua here is an upstanding citizen, always lending a hand to everyone at the church.”
Yvonne made me sound guilty before I’d even been officially accused of anything. She was always interfering in other people’s business, just like her busybody aunt, Sister Winifred.
Man, with her newly bleached hair, painted face, and spandex jumpsuit, I just knew I was doomed in the media. I was also doomed with my wife. What in the world would she say when she saw me on the six o’clock news with Yvonne Johnson?
The reporter continued. “Well, it appears that crime is running wild in this community.
First a string of robberies, and now embezzlement. We’ll keep you posted on the outcome ...”
I stopped listening as I walked to the parking lot.
My reputation was ruined. There was no way I’d be able to get any followers for my future church with that photo spread that would certainly follow me.
I tried to call Alex immediately. There was no answer. I was in such a jam. All I could do was bury my face in my hands and pray for divine intervention and mercy.
My phone rang, and I grabbed it, hoping it was Alex.
“Hello,” I said.
“Joshua.”
I recognized the voice right away.
Mother cleared her throat before she spoke again. “Why in heaven’s name have you decided to disgrace your entire family by appearing on television with that strumpet of a woman?”
That was the beginning of the end of life as I knew it.
Chapter Forty-one
Alex
Imagine my surprise when I turned on the news and caught a glimpse of the man I married, the father of Lilah and my unborn child, fired, possibly accused of embezzlement, and on the arm of that Jezebel of a woman. That was it for me. Joshua had left me several voice messages when I was in the shower, but by the time I called him back he didn’t answer. His messages all said the same thing; that he was innocent, that Simon had let him go, and that he would probably be on the news because some nosy reporters just happened to be outside the bank while the police were there. Police? Probably on the news? I was in shock. The phone was ringing off the hook. My dad, Taylor, Aunt Dorothy, and Marisol were all calling back-to-back. I couldn’t believe that one local news segment would attract this much attention. When would it all end? I didn’t feel like talking to any of them. I didn’t want to answer questions or hear their brilliant speculations. I just wanted silence, the kind that came with peace. Unfortunately, I didn’t know when that kind of silence would come.
The next day, after seeing the latest headline of the local newspaper—and believe me, it was ugly—I didn’t know if I was coming or going. I did know that I had to meet my dad in an hour. I had covered for Joshua long enough. It had already been three-and-a-half weeks since he’d left and no reconciliation was in sight. I had to let my dad know that Joshua had taken Lilah to his mother’s house and had left me and my unborn child to fend for ourselves. Sure, he had left money for incidentals, but that wasn’t enough to soothe my wounded soul. I was broken and crying out to God for answers. I tried to reach Joshua on his cell, but he wouldn’t answer. I left him messages, but he wouldn’t return my calls. Okay, so we were playing phone tag.
Eventually, I snapped out of it and decided not to keep sulking. That didn’t mean that I didn’t think about my husband, that I didn’t miss his touch, his kiss, everything about him, even the things I thought I wouldn’t miss. Sometimes I’d take a suit out of his closet and hold it close to me if it still had his scent on it. Then I would pray for him, asking God to strengthen him during this trial.
Between the media and my own mind, I had my fill of Joshua Benning. Still I waited for him to come by, but he did not. I waited for him to call, but he did not. I waited and watched the news, wondering if he would be officially accused, then arrested, indicted, and imprisoned. Then I realized I was letting my imagination run away with me. All I knew was that money had been stolen and that he had been fired.
Why wouldn’t he come to see me? I was so angry with him I didn’t know what I’d say if he did call now. I wanted to strangle him for allowing Yvonne to hop in front of the camera. Had he invited her to the bank? Had he called her down there for help? Or was she just passing by? I was so confused. It wasn’t that I was jealous of Yvonne anymore. Call it confidence or insanity, but I didn’t doubt that Joshua had nothing to do with her. I wasn’t going to make a fool out of myself because I had definitely gone down that road before. Yet, at the same time, with Joshua being a public figure, I knew it didn’t look good for him. In the church arena, reputation was everything.
I wondered why he hadn’t turned to me for help. Didn’t he know I was hurting for him?
It was so frustrating, playing these cat-and-mouse games. Why had he pushed me out of his life, and then virtually disappeared, at least from me? Then I began to rebel against my own heart. If Joshua wouldn’t come to me, then I’d go on without him. I decided that I would make it on my own. I always had before.
And indeed I had. I had been single for over thirty years. I had roomed with my sister, paid my own rent and bills, and managed my own relationships. What made him think he owned me and could control every part of me?
Seger stopped by unannounced again. Hadn’t I told him to stay away while I work things out? I see that he was not one to take no for an answer.
“Hi, Seger.” I involuntarily let out a big breath.
“How are you, Sister Alex?”
“I’m sure you’ve seen the news so ...”
“Yes, and I’m sorry.” He shook his head. “It’s very unfortunate.”
“He didn’t do it, of course, but it looks like he did, so that’s bad enough, I guess.”
“Yeah, it looks bad. How have you two been holding up under the pressure?”
I almost wondered if he already knew we had been separated. “Well, we’ve been separated for almost a month now.”
“I see.” Seger sat down on the couch. “I know you asked me to give you some space, but I only came by to ask about Kiano.”
“I don’t know. We were believing for a miracle, but now that we’re separated and this scandal—”
“What has one thing got to do with the other? Kiano’s village is being destroyed. Those children need parents—now.”
That was the Seger I knew, the peaceful, world-changing missionary and activist, bringing the Word, aid, and revolution to the masses.
“I know, but it’s really complicated, and I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”
“I just don’t think it’s appropriate to disclose all of this personal information to you.”
“You’re right. I might use it to my best interest,” he laughed.
I smiled. “Yeah, something like that, I guess.”
Suddenly Seger looked very serious. There was no smile in his eyes, only sadness. “I’m still willing to fund the adoption if you decide you want help.”
“That’s very generous,” I said.
“It’s the least I can do.” Seger stood over me and pushed my chin up with his index finger. “I care about Kiano’s well-being and yours.”
“I know you do.”
He looked into my eyes. “You’re in my heart, Alex.” “Well, I’m getting a little tired, and I need to rest.” I took a step back. I needed time to think. I couldn’t just let my emotions dictate my actions. Even though I loved Kiano, even though I was afraid for his safety, I had to be calm. I had to pray.
“I’m sorry. I
didn’t mean to overstay my welcome.” He turned his back to me and walked toward the door.
I shook my head. “No, it’s nothing like that.”
“Take care of yourself now.” Seger quickly let himself out.
Now that he was gone, I began to give serious consideration to accepting his offer. I started to think that if by some extreme chance Joshua and I found our way back to each other, he would thank me for it later. I’d accept Seger’s offer to help with Kiano’s adoption costs. After all, what did Joshua’s opinion matter when we were clearly separated, with little hope of reconciling? And besides, Joshua’s whole ministry was on the line. Would he really have time to focus on being mad with me about Seger? Not when he and Yvonne were on the front cover of the local newspaper with the headline reading, “BISHOP’S SON FIRED DURING BANK INVESTIGATION.”
On the social networks, people were asking, “Did Prominent Bishop Benning’s Son Flee with More than the Offering Plate?” The gossip that spun from that one report was terrible, and my phone kept ringing. But the worst part was that I couldn’t even talk to Joshua. I had left several messages for him, and he still hadn’t returned my calls. That’s when I really got mad and gave up on trying to please him. I was tired of trying to make things work while all the time he did his own thing. I was tired of feeling like an outsider in my own relationship. I was tired of being alone, doing everything alone. If I needed to call Seger for help, I would.
Chapter Forty-two
Joshua
I sat in that lonely hotel room, tired of hearing my name being mentioned in the media and online. I had been called in for questioning by bank authorities and by the police, but I hadn’t even been formally charged. Regardless, I felt like I was trapped. I had picked up the phone to call Alex many times, but I had hung up each time. I didn’t know what to say to her over the phone. What could I possibly say to her when I had failed in every area and our anniversary was next week. I was ashamed, and I was distraught. That kind of conversation needed to be done face-to-face. So I pulled on a pair of jeans, an old sweatshirt, and headed out the door. I hopped into my Lincoln Navigator, drove frantically through the overcrowded Manhattan streets and over the Brooklyn Bridge to see Alex.
When I reached our apartment building, I hurried to the parking garage downstairs. Just as I was about to pull into my parking space, I recognized Seger’s car. I stopped in the middle of the lot and put my vehicle in park. Not again, and not in my space. Didn’t this guy ever give up? No, why should he?I rubbed the temples of my head as an instant migraine came on. I started thinking that soon I’d be totally out of the picture once the police arrested me, and then he could have Alex all to himself. Within seconds, I realized that I was getting carried away and tried to push the negative thoughts from my mind. “No weapon formed against me shall prosper,” I said. I leaned against the steering wheel, buried my head in my hands, and before I knew it, I was crying like a baby. What happened to my life? What happened to my vision? Everything was all wrong. When I heard another car coming, I wiped my face with my sleeve, put the car in drive, and drove away.
I went straight to Pastor Martin’s office and begged him to see me. I didn’t know where else to turn. I needed help. When I walked into his office, he motioned for me to sit down, and I did. The room smelled like lemon pepper wings, and I knew that was his favorite.
Pastor Martin sat down behind his desk. “Well, Joshua, I had hoped you would’ve come to me sooner.”
“I couldn’t, sir. I was ashamed and confused that everyone had seen that stupid news report.” I dropped my head.
Pastor Martin leaned forward in his chair. “Right. You mean the one with you carrying your things out of the bank?”
“Yes, that awful one.”
“Did you steal the money, Joshua?”
“No, sir.” I shook my head vehemently.
Pastor Martin coughed hard as if he were choking, and I wondered if he had either a bad cold or asthma. “Then you don’t have anything to be ashamed of. Don’t worry about people talking. People will talk.”
“I saw some of the numbers weren’t looking right, but I let someone talk me out of what I saw. I trusted someone I shouldn’t have.”
“We’re all human, and we all make mistakes. It sounds like yours was just a case of bad judgment.” Pastor Martin covered his mouth with a handkerchief.
“Very bad judgment,” I whimpered.
“What about Sister Yvonne? That situation looks pretty bad too.”
“She just came to the bank at the wrong time and threw herself in front of the camera.”
“I see. Well, you didn’t steal anything, and you didn’t have anything to do with Sister Yvonne, so ...”
“But it looks like I did. ‘Avoid the appearance of evil,’ remember?”
“Oh, I remember the scripture, but you didn’t do those things intentionally.” Suddenly, Pastor Martinjumped out of his seat and came toward me.
“People don’t know that,” I said.
He stood beside me and put his big hand on my shoulder. “Why does it matter to you what people know or don’t know, son?”
“Pastor, how can I ever build a church when the people don’t trust me?”
The man of God sat on the edge of his desk in front of me. “I’d say let God handle the people. When that time comes, He will send those He wants to be in your congregation, and there is nothing anyone or anything can do to stop it.”
“I feel like such a failure. I’ve left my wife, and now she has moved on with someone else.”
“Whoa, wait a minute. Where did that come from?”
“Alex and I have been separated for a little over three weeks now.”
“I wondered why I hadn’t seen you all in church.”
“I’ve been staying at a hotel, going back and forth to my parents’ house to see Lilah and ...”
“Okay, I knew things were bad from our last conversation but not that bad.” Pastor Martin scratched his head as if he were deep in thought.
“We weren’t getting along. Always arguing over money and the adoption, and this guy.”
“What guy?”
“A friend of my wife’s. He’s a missionary she met when she went to Kenya last year. I think he’s in love with my wife.”
“That’s a very bold statement. Could you be mistaken?”
“I don’t think so, but she doesn’t see it. Or maybe she does, and she’s falling in love with him too. I don’t know, Pastor.”
“Do you really believe that your wife is in love with another man?”
“To tell you the truth, I don’t know what to think. I just know I’m stressed out all the time, and this thing with Seger isn’t helping.”
“Have you tried talking to her about it?” Pastor Martin went back around to his desk and flipped through the pages of the Bible.
“Many times.”
He stopped to think for a minute. “Maybe she just doesn’t realize how much it’s tearing you apart.”
“No, she wouldn’t, because she’s too busy with her ministry and Seger, and what she wants,” I said.
The pastor folded his hands in front of his face. “What do you want, Joshua?”
“I want my life back.”
“And what exactly does that mean?”
“That means, I want my wife and child, my dreams of being a pastor. I want all of that back.” I did. I wanted it all.
“If what you want is truly God’s will, you shall have it all back. Get your life inperspective. Your wife didn’t leave you. You left her. Wrong move.” Pastor Martin jumped out of his chair again and went back to sitting in his spot on the front of his desk. He was just like that during service. Always moving. Never predictable.
“I know that now, but I just don’t know how to fix it. With these legal problems and being out of work, the bills are piling up, and I’ve got to get an attorney, and—”
“Stop.” Pastor Martin put up his hand. “Hear God’s voice. You know the wa
y home. In your spirit you know what to do. Stop fighting and listen. Just listen.”
Immediately, I felt convicted. I had been so busy trying to handle things on my own that I had forgotten to trust God. “Thanks, Pastor,” I said.
He immediately grabbed me by the shoulders and began to pray a short but powerful prayer.
“Now I want you to go home and pray for yourself. I’ll continue to pray for you.”
I went back to the hotel I was staying in, talked to Lilah on the phone at my parents’ house, and then went into prayer. Since I was fasting, I didn’t need food. I just drank water and got full from God’s Word. I didn’t speak to anyone, including the people from the church who claimed they wanted to help me. I buried myself in my Bible and listened to tapes of every sermon from Pastor Martin or my dad. I meditated on every piece of God’s Word that I could get my hands on until I became everything I needed to be. I needed to be strong. I needed to be wise. I needed to be honest with everyone, including myself.
The next time I saw Pastor Martin he was more abrupt with me. It had been a week since I had seen him last, and he didn’t leave his seat when I entered the room. He also didn’t change the tone of his voice.
“Brother Joshua, we’re not going to waste any more time during this session.”
“What do you mean, Pastor?”
“The last time you were here, I told you to go and pray. Did you do that, son?”
“Yes, sir. I did.”
“All right, then, what have you learned?”
“I learned that I’ve got to listen to God first, no matter what.”
“And?”
He was pulling it out of me. “And I can’t always be in control of every situation, even when I want to be.”
“What else, son?”
“I can’t do it alone.”
“What can’t you do alone?”
“I can’t solve these problems alone.” I felt like I was on the edge of a breakthrough.
Count It All Joy Page 21