The argument started quietly down at the gym and continued at home. Joshua didn’t make a scene because that wasn’t his style. He merely pulled me to the side and whispered his opinions about Seger’s intentions in my ear. Then we politely said good-bye to everyone and excused ourselves to our own private war.
Lilah had been spending the night with her grandmother so we were alone in the apartment.
“I don’t know where to start. I decided I was going to surprise you by coming home for lunch. When I saw that you weren’t home, I assumed you were down at the gym.”
“You were right, but you should’ve called,” I said.
“Oh? So I could warn you, right? Aren’t you supposed to be at home taking care of yourself—resting?”
“Yes.” I wasn’t looking forward to this interrogation.
“Then why were you down at the gym working?”
“I wasn’t really working, just supervising people who were working.”
“Oh, I see.” Joshua walked back and forth mumbling to himself.
“It’s hard to stay away. I’m bored at home, okay?”
“Okay, that brings me to my next point. Why was Seger down at the gym?”
“I told you that he just happened to be in the area, saw my car, which is so easy to spot, and decided to stop in.” I frowned up my face so much I could feel the wrinkles in my forehead forming. “He was just trying to help out.”
Joshua paced back and forth on the hardwood floors. “I’ll bet.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“I told you before that I don’t like the way he looks at you.”
I was so tired of this same scenario. “Oh no. Not that mess again.”
Joshua hit his fist on the back of the couch. “I know what it means when a man looks at a woman like he looks at you.”
“What does it mean, Joshua? I’m surprised you even know. You haven’t looked at me in months.”
“So is that what this is about? I’m not giving you enough attention so you go looking elsewhere?”
“Nobody’s looking for attention. I’m minding my own business. I didn’t ask Seger to get a job where I work, and I didn’t invite him down to the gym.” I threw up my hands. “He just came out on his own.”
“Right.” Joshua’s jaws tightened.
“Are you calling me a liar?”
Joshua threw his hands into the air as if he were giving up. “I don’t know what to call you anymore.”
“Oh, don’t go there, Joshua Douglas Benning.”
“I can’t call you my wife because you’re not acting like her, so—”
“I’m not acting like your wife? Why, Joshua? Because I’m not like Delilah? Because I can’t be her.”
“This is not about Delilah. This is about you and Seger.”
“Stop it.”
“No, I can’t stop it. Seger came down to the center because he wants you.”
“As a friend.”
Joshua clenched his teeth. “As more than a friend.”
“Here we go again,” I said.
“Yes, here we go again.”
I threw my hands in the air to indicate surrender. “Joshua, what do you want from me?”
“I don’t know, but I’m tired of this.” Joshua walked away from me.
“Tired of what?” I followed him into the bedroom.
“Tired of being last.”
“And what do you mean by that?”
Joshua’s six foot two inch frame towered over me as I looked into his brown eyes.
“You risk everything for Taylor, everything for the women’s ministry, and everything for Seger. There’s nothing left for me.”
“What do you mean there is nothing left for you? I’m just trying to—”
Joshua’s eyes were wild and fiery. “I know. I know—to help. But help us. We’re dying, Alex. We’re dying.”
“Joshua.” I called out to him, but he didn’t answer.
He had already turned his back on me and started toward the door. He reached into the hall closet, pulled his coat on, and left without a word.
I waited up for him until midnight when I started to get really tired, but he never made it home. Then I went to bed and tossed back and forth all night, aggravated and unable to pray.
He did call me the next morning and told me he was coming by to pick up a few things, that he’d be staying with Brother Jameson for a while until he could figure things out. Figure out what? That’s what I didn’t understand. He was supposed to be a man of God, an overcomer not a giver upper. Needless to say I was shocked and appalled. What about Lilah?
Would she continue to stay at her grandmother’s house or would Joshua pick her up to let her stay with him? Either way, this kind of instability was not a good life for a five-year-old girl.
I tried calling to talk to him, but he wouldn’t answer his phone. I left messages on his voice mail, but he wouldn’t return my calls either. Finally, he called to tell me to say that he would be fasting and praying over our situation. What situation? Okay, Now I knew he was tripping. It has been two whole days already, and I haven’t heard from him, and he won’t let me speak to Lilah.
I prayed to the Lord to help me to understand my husband and this marriage covenant.
“You said in your Word that I’d be the head and not the tail. Please help me with what seems like a losing battle. I know this is spiritual warfare, and I bind up every hindrance, every demonic influence, every wicked power and principality that would come against my marriage on earth as it is bound in heaven. I loose blessings of peace, love, and joy in my marriage on earth as it is loosed in heaven. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”
Then I took out the double chocolate fudge ice cream and waited for an answer.
Chapter Thirty-nine
Alex
It was a warm but rainy day. I spent the entire morning crying, eating, and waiting for the phone to ring. It was mid-September, and I was going on eight months pregnant. I didn’t want to get out of bed, shower, or do anything. All I wanted to do was inhale more ice cream and cookies, as if I hadn’t had enough already. I was sure I had already gained an extra ten pounds just that week. I didn’t dare get on a scale. In fact, if I wasn’t so depressed, I’d bake a blueberry pie or some muffins.
I used to think it was the conception issue that made me sad, but I know now that it was everything. Yes, I wanted to give my husband babies, lots of them. But I was afraid then, and I was still afraid, even now, that I wouldn’t be able to produce even one. What if a miscarriage suddenly took away what I had waited so long for? If I could fulfill that one little part of my destiny, I’d feel accomplished. I wanted to get rid of the depression and the fear. I wanted to get out of the bed and shout, but I couldn’t. I was temporarily paralyzed in my mind.
I never knew Christians could even struggle with depression. I thought it was all about joy, joy, and more joy. Yet the depression was like a cancer of the soul, eating away at me a little each day. I hardly wanted to get out of bed. Folks always told me that when I got born-again all my troubles would go away, and that I’d be all right. Then I learned that wasn’t necessarily so. My troubles weren’t going to roll away unless I rolled up on some Word and got it deep in my spirit. So deep that the Word of God would start talking to me about my situation. That’s what I needed, to be washed in the Word again and again until my heart and mind became like Jesus again. Then I knew the joy would come. How did I get to that place of depression? I didn’t know, but what I did know was that I had to get out and get my mind and heart right again.
I was busy thinking about what I was going to eat for dinner when I heard a knock on the door. For some reason I thought it was Joshua. I hoped he had misplaced his key. But it wasn’t Joshua. It was Seger.
“Hello, Sister Alex.”
“Hi.” I was sure my disappointment was evident, but I didn’t care. I felt too bad for politeness.
Seger tried to squeeze past me, but I blocked him. “I do
n’t think it’s a good idea for you to be here right now so ...” But didn’t he get the picture by now? Was he that bold or that stupid to show up at my house after the last incident at the gym? Maybe he was deliberately trying to cause conflict in my marriage.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to cause you trouble, but I just wanted to apologize for any trouble I’ve caused to you or your husband.”
“You could’ve called,” I said.
“I’ve never been much of a phone person. I like to see people face-to-face, even when my presence has caused so much turmoil. I—”
“It’s not your fault. You’ve been a really good friend,” I said.
“I try to be.”
I put my hand over my face because I was embarrassed. Joshua had made it very clear that he didn’t like Seger and that he didn’t want us to be friends. “Ever since we were in Kenya, you’ve been more than good to me. It’s just that I’ve got some things to work out with my husband.”
“Right, I understand that this is complicated—” Seger started.
I interrupted him, “And you being around all the time isn’t really helping the situation right now.”
“Fine. I’ll give you the space you need. I just had to say that I’m really sorry for the way that things have turned out.” He shook his head. “I never meant to come between you two.”
“I appreciate that,” I said, tapping my foot.
“But call me if anything changes or if you just need to talk.”
I hoped he would get the hint without me having to be blatantly rude. That was more Taylor’s style than mine. “I will if I need to.”
“I’ll always be here for you.” Seger raised his hand to touch my face, but I turned my head away from him.
“I know you will. You’re a good friend.” I closed the door partially. “Thanks.”
“Good night, Sister Alex.”
“Good night,” I said, closing the door.
I remembered what I heard at the women’s conference about priorities. I remembered what my father-in-law said about sacrifice. Even then, I still wondered if I was doing the right thing by giving Seger the cold shoulder.
Chapter Forty
Joshua
Three weeks had gone by already and Alex and I still weren’t seeing eye to eye. I’d only spoken to her twice, and every time I tried to talk some sense into her, she’d just shoot me down with that same old stuff. I decided to show her better than tell her. I was tired of these women trying to control me. First there was Delilah, then Mother, and now Alex. Since I couldn’t continue to impose on Brother Jameson and his family, I rented a room at an extended stay hotel uptown. I hoped this separation wouldn’t be for much longer because it was costing me every dime I had. Furthermore, I missed everything about my wife, everything except how she wouldn’t listen to me. I sighed as I made up my own bed, straightened my own tie, and poured my own tea. I had to work things out with her soon because this single life, for me, was getting played.
I was tired of going to bed alone, waking up alone, and eating alone. On Sundays and Wednesdays, I’d attend Kingdom House of Prayer Church with my parents, which they were excited about, but I refused to move in with them. Every day I’d go to work and try to forget my marriage was such a mess while Lilah stayed at my parents’ house. She whined about not seeing me every day and wanted to know when she could go home. I felt guilty about that too, but I didn’t have any answers for her. I didn’t have any answers for myself except that I needed God’s intervention soon.
I couldn’t get Seger off my mind, couldn’t stop thinking about his hands on my woman that day at the hospital, and then showing up at my home, not to mention the gym. I knew it was supposed to be innocent, but still, that man did something to me. I didn’t know what it was; maybe just the fact that he was close—too close—to my wife. Probably just that. It was like the brother had no respect.
I wasn’t jealous. I mean, I didn’t hate the brother. I just wanted him to stay away from my family, Kiano included. I didn’t want him to touch anything that was mine. I certainly wasn’t happy with him working with her at Missionary. With that Seger snake on the prowl, the missing money at the bank, and my father’s health slipping away, I didn’t know what to do. I was losing time fast. I prayed for God’s immediate intervention.
As soon as I arrived at work that morning, I saw two policemen leaving the bank. I wondered what was going on as I pulled into the parking lot. Minutes later, I was in the building and staring face-to-face with Simon.
“What’s going on around here?” I asked, walking past a few of my colleagues.
Simon didn’t answer but signaled me to come into his office. Then he closed the door behind him. He was sweating profusely. “One hundred and eighty thousand dollars was reported missing this morning.”
I froze in my footsteps. Every alarm on the inside of me went off, reminding me of the messed-up numbers, reminding me of the warning signs. “Missing?”
“Yes, I’m sorry, but the heat is coming down on me.” Simon couldn’t even look into my eyes.
“What happened?”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t talk about this anymore.” He turned his head away from me.
“You can’t talk to me?”
“Listen, the heat is coming down on the bank. Unfortunately, all the evidence in this case is pointing to you, so I have to let you go.”
“What? Pointing to me?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“Soon, the feds will be all over this place.” Simon shook his head.
I stood near him rubbing my temples. “But you know me.”
“I’m sorry, man.”
“You’re sorry? That’s all you can say?”
He shook his head. “Look, I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
“You don’t know? What are you saying? We’ve been working together for ten years.
You know I’ve dedicated myself to this bank. I would never steal from here.” I turned to pound my fist on the desk. “In fact, I helped build this company.”
“I don’t know, Josh.” He nervously ran his fingers through his thinning, gray hair. “Maybe that’s why you felt entitled to the money.”
I squinted my eyes as I began to process the nightmare that was taking place. “Are you crazy? Why would I risk my whole career and reputation?”
“You told me not that long ago that you’ve got a lot of debts and—”
“I told you that, hoping you’d give me the raise you’d been promising me.”
“That doesn’t change the situation.”
“What do my debts have to do with this situation?” I resisted the urge to grab him by the collar. “I’m not a thief. You know me.”
“I don’t know anything anymore.”
“What do you mean you don’t know anything anymore?” I listened but I was hesitant to react. It took everything in me not to pin that guy up against the wall. After all, he was fooling around with my whole life, and then some.
“All I know is that almost two hundred thousand dollars is gone and that the only one who had access to that account information is you,” he stuttered.
“And you.” I swallowed hard and walked toward the door. At this point, I was so upset I was holding back tears.
“Yes, and me, but why would I steal from my own bank?”
I opened the door. “That’s what I’m asking myself. I told you money was missing, and you told me not to worry about it, that you’d take care of it.”
“That was just a little money you told me about, Josh. A mere couple thousand, and I did straighten that out. Just a glitch in the computer programming, that’s all.” Simon swallowed hard. “But this, this is big.”
“It’s big, but I didn’t do it,” I said.
“I’m sorry, Josh. I know you’ve been strapped for cash with the new baby coming and everything—”
“That’s true, and I told you those things in confidence. Now you’re gonna use it against me.” I swung
into the air with my fist. “Man, I was such a fool.”
Simon loosened his tie and collar. “Joshua, this thing is bigger than both of us.”
“I can see that.” I looked him up and down with a blank stare.
“Everything will come out. Don’t worry.”
I put my hands over my head in disbelief. “Ha. You’re telling me not to worry?”
“I’ve still got your back, but I’m going to need you to leave now. Please.” He rushed over to the door and opened it.
I still couldn’t believe what was happening to me. First, I had lost my wife, and now I had lost my job. And the way things were looking, I could possibly lose my freedom.
I went to my office and began to pack. God, please help me.
Imagine a minister caught in the middle of a big banking scandal. It just looked bad, really bad. To make matters worse, as it turned out, there were already reporters outside covering a special interest story on crime in the urban community. They had informed us the day before that they would be interviewing the owners of the boutique next door since it had recently been robbed. Unfortunately, when they saw the police snooping around the bank, the reporters started an investigation of their own. As I was walking through the door with boxes of my personal belongings, they turned their news cameras on me. One of the reporters actually recognized me from a news story she had done on my father’s church last year. She put the camera right up in my face.
“Mr. Joshua Benning, son of the prominent Bishop Joshua Douglas Benning II, I see that you’re leaving this bank with a box of your belongings. Does that mean that you’ve been implicated in this embezzlement case?” the young reporter grinned.
My heart sank. “No, I have not been charged with anything. I am completely innocent.”
The reporter pushed the microphone in my face. “Really? Why, may I ask, are you the only one leaving then, sir?”
Some people who had been busily walking by stopped to listen, and a crowd began to form around us.
“I have no comment,” I said as I pushed past her camera.
Then as if things weren’t bad enough, a very sultry-looking, like she just fell out of the nightclub, Yvonne showed up out of nowhere and hugged me. “Joshua.”
Count It All Joy Page 20