What Love Has Lost

by McCalester, Mindy

  A smile crept upon my face. "Of course, I will."

  "Thanks, good night." She greeted.

  "Good night." I reciprocated. Watching her shut the door, I reached towards the lamp to turn off the lights to get ready for bed.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The Dinner Rehearsal

  Going back to Alabama, I had a good time with Nathan's family. Of course, I was relieved that I wouldn't see Hattie anymore. I wanted to get away from her. Actually, I wanted Nathan to stay away from her. Not that I was jealous or anything, but the girl crept everyone out. Okay, I was a tad jealous. Although, I was surprised that his parents didn't bother her company. Ugh, I bet elders were more pathetic than I thought they would be.

  Nathan hadn't talked to me, since the day we were near the train tracks. I wondered what was going through his mind. Why wouldn't he tell me that he still loved me? Well, I should ask the question myself. Why didn't I tell him that I still had feelings for him?

  Replaying every moment that we shared, I felt so idiotic. Why did I feel so pathetic? It seemed as if I wanted to repudiate the truth. I wanted to stay safe. I didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't want the same rejection that Nathan did. He pushed me away. I loved him so much.

  Sure, we had our arguments at times. Before, we didn't seem to argue about anything. Now, we argue as if we were married or something. It made me guilty.

  Hearing Rhiannon's screams, my thoughts diverted to her attention. "Oh my god, I don't even have the perfect dress for our dinner rehearsal!" Rhiannon exclaimed.

  "We went shopping a month ago!" I complained.

  Rhiannon's eyes blood shot towards me. "Do you think that Grady's mother and my parents would appreciate that their daughter and, soon to be, daughter-in-law, looked unsophisticated?"

  "Uh," I muttered. Rhiannon filled in for me.

  "Exactly," she clarified. "I think you need something new to wear as well."

  "What's wrong with the way I dress?" I questioned, looking down at myself. Rhiannon stood there, speculating me. She clicked her teeth together. "Aw, c'mon, I don't need something very fancy to wear for tonight. I'll find something appropriate for tonight; no worries." I smiled.

  Rhiannon rolled her eyes. "Inn, this isn't for me or Grady. It's for my family and his family. I also think that you and Nathan should talk together and compromise. You two are always arguing about the silliest things. I think you two are denying your feelings as of pushing each other further away..." she trailed.

  Sitting down next to me, she continued. "C'mon, Inn, I know you. You are a spirited person, with a bubbly sense of humor." She smiled, as I couldn't help but to smile with her as well. "I understand the feelings that you and Nate shared. You guys love to argue, but face it. Love between you and him, it's still there." She advised.

  The words floated around my brain. Then, silence broke in between us.

  She inhaled. "I'm going to get ready, first. Then, you and I will go shopping and get some girl time. Besides, today is my last day of being a bachelorette. I'll be the next Christopher in the family. Ah, Mrs. Rhiannon Christopher." She ringed.

  Maybe Rhiannon was right. Maybe I shouldn't run away from my feelings. Actually, I shouldn't run away from my feelings. The truth: I was in love. Staring at the coffee table, with no intention of what I wanted to do next, Grady walked pass by me.

  "Why are you so gloomy, Inna?" Grady asked as he started sitting down next to me.

  My eyes adverted to him. "Uh, I'm just thinking, that's all."

  "Are you nervous that you and Nathan are doing a speech for us tonight?" He asked.

  I was supposed to write a speech! Oh god, I totally forgot! I wasn't prepared.

  "About that; look, I'm going to be totally honest," I paused, staring into Grady's blue eyes. "I forgot about the speech." I whispered.

  Grady didn't scowl at me. Instead, he gave me a hug - a warm, inviting, friendly hug. He inhaled as he smelt the sweet scent of me. Not moving, our moment somehow has gotten awkward. "Um," I grumbled. "Thanks?"

  He chuckled as he released. "Don't worry, I'll ask Nathan to write it down for you."

  "As if, Nathan and I are on no speaking terms," I grumbled. "But I don't blame him."

  Grady's curious blue eyes bored into my own. "Seems like you two had a rough time over there."

  "No kidding," I sighed, ruffled my bangs. "It was pure hell, watching Nathan and this other girl, kissing and giggling and other things that I don't want to mention!"

  Grady laughed. "You're jealous." He stated.

  "I am not," I gently slapped him across his forearm. "You're so deluded. I'm not jealous, nor would I ever care about who Nathan flirts with. I don't mind that I see him, making out with some random chick, just not Hattie! She's a bitch! She's mean! Oh, one day, she told me to stay out of their way because she rightfully owns him! Can you believe that?" I scoffed.

  Grady scratched the back of his head. "Well, in one point's perspective, you're jealous. On another, you have the right to be jealous." He chuckled, again. My mouth gapped open as I slapped him across his arm, hard.

  "You're not supportive, you know that?" I growled.

  "Ahem," someone interrupted us from our conversation. Grady and I looked towards the stranger's direction. Nathan. "I see that Hattie seemed to be a bit of a trouble to you." He growled.

  I stood up, walking towards him. "Nate, I can explain."

  "No need," he interrupted, again. "Perhaps, you have the right not to be friends with one of my friends, but Hattie isn't the bad guy." He paused. Why was he sticking up for Hattie? Sure, I understood that it was his best friend, but she hated me!

  "Are you saying that I'm the bad guy, here?" I projected, trying to find a way to piss him off.

  Nathan croaked a deep chuckle. "No, you're not the bad guy. Hattie's not the bad guy. Nobody is at fault. I'm just saying..."

  I cut him off. "Then, what are you saying, Hampton?"

  "I'm saying... I'm sorry." He choked.

  "You're sorry?" I questioned, arching a dark eyebrow.

  He nodded, while looking down at his feet. Abruptly, Grady cleared his throat. We both motioned our heads towards Grady. He grinned. "Great, so you two made up!"

  "Uh, I guess?" I murmured.

  "Well, you two should get on with that speech! I can't wait to hear it for our special night!" Grady sang, while galloping away from our sight. Nathan and I scoffed. Was this a new chapter of ours? We fight; and then we make up? This was surreal. Life was surely weird at times.

  "So, we should probably..." Nathan continued, but I stopped him.

  "Uh, Rhiannon invited me to go shopping with her. Maybe we should write the speech, when I come back?" I asked. He shook his head, robustly. My mouth formed an 'O' shape, notifying that I understood what he was intending.

  "Well, I guess I should see you at the dinner rehearsal?" I asked, again.

  He nodded. "Yeah, I'll see you there. And I'll save you a seat."

  I smiled. In some form of our bonding, I was happy, for once. He actually made me smile. There was no argument. There was no right diverting from wrong. There was no war between us, just serenity. There was peace. There was negotiation. However, I enjoyed this moment. Now, I knew that many people expected to see two people, kissing in the end, but this wasn't one of those times.

  While waiting for Rhiannon to finish getting ready, she grabbed the car keys and said, "Ready?"

  ♠♣♥♦

  "You and Nathan finally getting along?" she questioned. We finished our shopping, so we decided to stop and eat. We discussed about the dinner rehearsal (well, I've tried, but Rhiannon tried to distract the concept). Actually, she wanted to focus the attention to me, since she insisted because she'll be receiving lots of focus for tonight.

  This was something that I truly missed. I missed girl time with Rhiannon. It's been a month since I've had something released.

  "Strangely, yes, but I like it." I smiled, reassuring her.

  "Are you ha
ppy?" she asked, while she twirled her straw. Gazing into her brown eyes, I stiffly nodded. "You sound unsure, Inn. What's the real truth?"

  "It's not that I'm not happy... It's just..." then she cut me off.

  "It's that you're in love with him, but you don't want to be the first one to tell him because he'll think that you're devastated or desperate, whichever is less painful." She filled in. I stared at her for a couple of minutes. No, I wasn't angered. I wasn't annoyed. I wasn't ignorant. I was shocked, really. I was astonished that she, out of all people, realized the truth.

  I stuttered. "Ever since the day he took us to that secluded area, I've always wondered what was bothering him. Ever since the day we went to that karaoke bar, he kissed me in front of the crowd. He kissed me in front of Hattie, when Hattie kissed Nathan, but that was a forceful kiss, and..." I looked up, watching Rhiannon getting all teary eyed.

  "Go to him!" it wasn't a choice - it was a commandment.

  "Are you crazy? I can't just leave you here." I strained. She just rolled her eyes.

  "Woman, I'm getting married and I know what love truly is. What love has lost between you and Nathan - it's there, honey. Trust me, you guys still have those same feelings; those same emotions; everything. Whatever happened that summer, it's real. You two are stubborn to realize." She clarified.

  Repeating those words that escaped Rhiannon's mouth, I realized that she could be right. What if Nathan still loved me, but I was too stubborn to accept it. Maybe I still had those same emotions towards him, but I was too ignorant to let them show. Now, I swallowed guilt and pride.

  "Rhiannon, I'll tell him," I paused. "I'll tell him tonight."

  ♠♣♥♦

  Tonight was the night of Rhiannon and Grady's dinner rehearsal. It was the day before the wedding. I couldn't believe it myself, but I was proud that they were getting married. All I wanted for the both of them was happiness. I wanted them to enjoy their company as they continued to share their lives, together. I wouldn't be surprised that they would start a family, soon.

  "Oh my god," Rhiannon squealed. "I just got a call from the caterer, and he said that he forgot to order the lobster! The dinner rehearsal is going to start in an hour, and they didn't even bother getting the fucking lobster!"

  "Calm down, honey." Grady soothed, grasping his hands onto her shoulders.

  "Why should I? Oh god, my parents are coming from their third home in China. Grady's mother will be there. Oh, this woman from my work will be there, which she's a total bitch. My boss might show up. Oh, I hope she shows up! I think all my cousins will be there. Grady's family will be there. Oh, the best man and the maid of honor will announce their speech!" she continued.

  "Rhiannon, chill," I stopped her from going any further. Honestly, I couldn't watch my best friend go all 'freak-out' mode. "Everything will be fine. You have everything in handled. I'll call another caterer to order the lobster. You just need to take care of yourself. It's your night."

  "Ahem," Grady clears his throat, forcefully.

  "Yeah, it's yours too, but not everything revolves around you!"

  "You're mean," Grady grumbled.

  Ignoring him, I paced towards my bedroom. I watched Nate, staring at his reflection while he was tying his tie. I leaned against the door pane. "How long have you been standing there?" he asked, not looking at me.

  "Not long," I grinned. I watched him finished as he started walking towards me. The same heat between us started burning brighter. I wanted to wither it away, but it was tempting to let those feelings dissipate. I wanted those feelings to linger, no matter how tough it was for me to refrain.

  Slowly, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him. "You should knock."

  "Hmm, but the door was open." I chuckled. My eyes wondered from my room to his eyes. His emerald eyes glowed. The colour was different. I haven't seen this side of him in years. It was comforting. However, Nathan was a million things: complicated, witty, egotistic, sweet, caring, and so much more. I wanted to see the real him, which was everything. Honestly, he completed me. I wasn't so sure, if that could happen again.

  Silence broke in between us. "We should finish writing the speech." I whispered.

  "Actually, I just finished it." Nathan smirked. My eyes widened.

  "You did, without me?" I questioned. "Oh god, let me see it!"

  "Relax," Nathan soothed. "You'll love it, trust me."

  How could I trust you? Well, he could be right. Everything would be fine.

  ♠♣♥♦

  Clink. Clink. Clink.

  The noise silenced the atmosphere, where everyone focused his or her attention to the person. The ballroom was elegant. It had lights surrounding the room. It had white, round tables, filling most of the floors. It had those wooden stairs, which separated the room. It complimented the room, too.

  Rhiannon looked so gorgeous with her champagne dress. She had her hair all up in tight curls. Some of the pieces of her hair were loose in the front, but she still looked a superstar. She deserved to make this night perfect.

  Her family was here. I saw Mr. and Mrs. Evers. They looked clean and ravishing as well. I saw Grady's mother, Stephanie. She looked gorgeous, even though she was in her late forties. It was sad that his father couldn't appear on the night of his big event. I saw some relatives, who attended as I never saw them before. I was pleased to see them tonight.

  Nathan stood up, in front of the crowd. I was there, sitting next to him.

  Before he started on his speech, he cleared his throat as he unfolded a piece of paper. Reading the black font, he proceeded. "Welcome, everyone. We invite you to celebrate the newlyweds. Actually, the future newlyweds." He inserted as everyone chuckled.

  "Love and happiness: it's what everyone wants in the world, but what they don't know is how love and happiness works. Love works in the mysterious ways. It sometimes frustrates you. It can make you feel important. It can make you feel secure. It can also drive you crazy." They all laughed as he winked at me.

  Where was he going with this?

  "Love is important to us. It expresses everything. It's part of emotion and life. It's powerful. We shouldn't mess with love. Love can hurt you as well." The room became more silent. He glanced at my direction. "Love cannot come without happiness. Happiness isn't forever, but if you have love, faith, and other things into it, then love will be there forever. Love is eternal. What I want to share with you, ladies and gentlemen, is that love and happiness - you should cherish it."

  The room became still. It became quiet as his words became meaningful. Suddenly, he wadded the paper and tossed it to the side. "I fell in love, with an amazing girl. Honestly, she was my first love. I knew that I made the worst mistake when I showed up at her doorstep." He whispered, not making eye contact to the audience. Slowly, he glanced up.

  "I was wrong. I thought that letting her go would solve everything, but I was angry. I wasn't angry at her. I was angry at myself. She didn't do any harm. It was my fault, and I should take the blame. She made life more meaningful. She was funny and smart. She was free and spirited. She was an amazing girl, with beautiful brown eyes."

  I watched the audience sat there with small smiles plastered across their faces.

  "Four years ago, I've met her at a football game. Yes, we were crazy kids, but we were crazy kids in love." He paused and looked at me. What the fuck?

  "Aw," the audience chimed.

  "I'm sorry for all the pain that I caused you. I'm sorry for everything that you've been through. I'm sorry that I messed everything up. However, I understand that you can never forgive me. I don't expect for you to forgive me." He whispered the last sentence.

  "Yes, love can be very mysterious. Love also can hurt you. You can lose a loved one: a soul mate or a relative. However, you shouldn't mess with love. You should cherish it, while you still have it. You don't want to lose it. I certainly lost my chance whenever I screwed everything up. I didn't lose my love towards Inna, but I've lost the love o
f being myself." He paused. Everything in the room fell silent. "To the bride and groom." He proposed, raising his glass.

  "To the bride and groom," the audience repeated.

  Suddenly, I watch Nathan exiting the room. Somehow, I followed him.

  My short legs tried catching up to him. It was too bad that he was six feet tall, and I was only five feet and five inches. "Nate," I called. He ignored me. Giving up with the fast pace, I took my shoes off and ran towards him. "Nate!" I repeated, but I called his name louder than the last time.

  He slowly turned around. "What do you want?" he asked, calmly.

  "Your speech... Why?"

  He shook his head. "I can't believe that the first thing that came out of your mouth was, 'Why?'."

  Crossing my arms across my chest, I've waited.

  "You know that I poured my heart into that speech."

  "And you had to remind me. Remind me of everything I've been through." I cried.

  He exhaled, being exasperated. "Forget about the pain that I gave you! None of those memories mattered because I still love you!"

  He... what?

  Chapter Sixteen

  Run Away With Me

  Is this my imagination? Does Nathan really say that he loves me? What shall I say? Numerous of questions shackles through my mind, but honestly, I'm not sure if I want to say those three words to him. Do I still love him? My heart starts to ache, wondering what I shall say next.

  "Inna," he asks. I stare at him, not responding. "Run away with me. We'll start a life together. I want you to be with me." He breathes, coming closer to me. Heat starts to increase as my eyes flicker to his. Our eyes burn into passion, but mine seems to be confused.

  "I want us to start a family. Marry me, Inna." He states.

  Is he dead serious?

  "I know that I'm asking for much, but I'm not making the same mistakes, not anymore. I don't care if your parents doesn't approve much of me. I still love you. I want to be with you. I want to grow old with you, see our children grow up as they start developing family of their own. I want us to raise grandchildren. I know that you and I discussed about sharing a life together, but I want to keep this promise." He presses his lips together. I stand there, waiting for him to proceed.