What Love Has Lost

by McCalester, Mindy

  Suddenly, I hear giggling. It sounds like children. My feet start to move forward, getting closer to the sound. As the sound grows louder, I come to a halt. I see three beautiful children, chasing each other. They dress so neat and proper. There are two boys and one girl. Whom do these children belong? Where are their parents? They must've been worried sick! "Mommy," a little girl with her curly brown hair and emerald eyes exclaims, while running towards me. Am I her mother? Who is her father? "Mommy, guess what? Daddy promised us to take us to the movies, tonight!" she continues.

  These are my... children?

  A small smile forms across my face. "Sweetie, I'm glad to hear."

  Then, the little boy comes running towards the little girl, while he carries a toad. The little girl shrieks! "Ugh, Nathan, get that gross creature away from me!" she says in disgust.

  "Awe, stop being pansy, Evie," The little boy admits, and then looks at me with pleading eyes. "Mommy, can we keep Toby?"

  Evie looks at Nate in disgust. "Gross, you want to keep a mutant as a pet?"

  "Mutants are awesome as pets!" the other little boy chimes.

  "I wish I had a sister, instead of two imbeciles as brothers!" Evie admits. Evie sounds as if she's an intelligent girl. She must've gotten the intelligence from me. I wonder where they got their appearance.

  "It's too bad that Mommy doesn't want to make another baby." A familiar voice interrupts, disrupting our conversation. I turn around and stare at the man who I fell in love - Nathan. Unexpectedly, he sweeps me closer to him and gently places a kiss on my lips. I hear the kids make those disgusted noises. I chuckle, lowly.

  I miss him. Even though it feels as if we have been far apart for too long, I still miss him. Biting on my lower lip, my eyes flicker to his emerald eyes. Oh, his gorgeous green eyes, which I absolutely miss. I miss those small circles, forming around his iris. We stare at each other in silence for a couple of minutes. I inhale his scent - vanilla in a mix with peppermint.

  "Daddy," someone interrupts. We both turn our heads apart from each other. It's the other boy although I don't know his name. "Are we going to the movies, tonight? I want to watch the chipmunks!" he forms a bright smile.

  Nathan pulls his hands away from me and kneels to an eye-level to the little boy. "Noah, I promise you that we will watch them, and then we can go out for ice cream... together." He promises. Noah cheers and gives Nathan a hug. I can't help but let out a wide grin across my face. Nathan is a good father, or so to speak.

  This fantasy seems as if it's a dream. If it is, then I don't want this to end at all.

  Honestly, I cannot see Nathan as a father, but seeing him being so loveable to our children. I think he's the greatest father I have ever seen. He idolizes these children, our children. I watch them run around the fields, playing and enjoying their time together. Nathan and I sit on the bench, watching them.

  I inhale. "This seems wrong." I say as I close my eyes. I can feel Nathan scoot closer to my body, holding my hand. As my eyes slowly began to open, I stare at him. He looks confused. He looks as if I don't want this at all.

  "What do you mean, Inn? Don't you want this? You told me that you want this life. You and I are married, and we have three beautiful children. What more do you want?" Nathan asks as he presses his lips together.

  My eyes wander off from his eyes to his hands. "This isn't real. All of this isn't real."

  "What are you saying? You're not making any sense!" Nathan worries, and then caresses my face. My eyes wander to his emerald eyes. "I love you, forever and always, Inna. You're my wife. You're everything in my life. You and the kids are my life, now. Nothing is going to tear us apart."

  "I know," I whisper, holding onto his hand. "But you and I aren't married. We don't have children. None of this is real because the last time I remember is that you and I were in a hospital!" I exclaim, feeling as my heart is aching. I watch Nathan sit there, confused and worried. I want this life, but this life is not mine.

  Nathan isn't sitting before me. It can be an illusion or something! Suddenly, I feel a sharp pain inside my chest. I quickly clench onto my chest, wondering what in the world is happening. Nathan slowly gets up and walks towards me. "Inna, what's wrong?"

  "I don't know," I stammer. Thoughts are racing inside my head. "I can feel something going through me." I try to explain, but the pain inside me has gotten worse. I feel as if I am going to faint, or worse, die. I cannot die, not in front of Nathan and the children.

  "Inna," Nathan repeats, still holding onto me. My vision quickly starts to become fuzzy. I don't know what's going on. I need to find out what is happening to me! "Inna!" his chants grow louder. This is the last time I'm ever going to hear his voice before I completely black out.

  ♠♣♥♦

  Again, death can be scary. It can separate the people and things we love.

  Hearing my heart beating slowly, my eyes slowly open as my vision becomes clearer. The first thing I see from my perspective is the white ceiling. Then, I motion my head to the left as I see a respirator, watching the meter going in a steady pace. Quickly, my mind comes to a realization that I am in the hospital.

  Thankfully, I'm alive. Quickly, I sit up but I then go back to lying onto the soft pillow because I feel a sharp pain going against my Latissimus dorsi, also known as my side muscle. I take a good look at myself as I see the IVs, which are injected in me. Slowly, I take the IVs out of my skin, grunting.

  "Oh my god, Grady, Inna's awake." A familiar voice speaks, waking up Grady.

  Is Rhiannon and Grady in this hospital? What are they doing here? Aren't they supposed to be in a wedding? Oh my god, I almost forgot about their wedding! Nathan and I shouldn't have left the dinner rehearsal. Hence, we shouldn't be here! Where's Nathan? Is he still alive?

  "Hey, how are you?" Rhiannon asks in a low whisper.

  "It hurts like hell." I simplify. Grady comes behind from Rhiannon and gives me a stuffed Teddy bear. I chuckle. "Aw, you didn't have to get me a bear, Grady."

  "Well, bears are your favorite animal, so I thought I should buy you one." He grins.

  "How come you don't buy me stuffed animals?" Rhiannon interrupts.

  "Because you don't need anything to prove my love for you. You're marrying me, anyways."

  Rhiannon giggles and gently kisses Grady. "Aw, and that is why I love you," she coos.

  The both of them are in front of me, being all lovey-dovey, when I am in massive pain! "Uh, guys, I hate to burst your love bubble, but have you heard from Nathan?" I ask, and then they avert their heads to me.

  "Uh, we haven't heard from him." Rhiannon bites her lower lip. Is she lying?

  "Grady, have you heard from Nathan?"

  Grady doesn't make eye contact. He keeps avoiding the question with his mumbles and stutters.

  "Grady," I practically yell.

  "He's in serious damage, Inn. He's in the ER, right now." Grady admits. Rhiannon just slaps him against his shoulder. I look at Rhiannon, being confused because she slapped Grady. Then, my attention focuses on Grady as I ask him further questions. His response, "He might not make it, Inn." He whispers.

  "I need to see him." I command.

  "Inna, he's seriously injured. The doctors told me that he has lost a ton amount of blood..." Grady trails. I take all of the IVs out of my bloodstreams and quickly, leave the bed. My legs feel numb, but I grab a hold onto something, before falling.

  "Inna, you don't know what you're doing!" Rhiannon interjects.

  I come to a halt and spin around. "Yes, I do. I'm getting Nathan out of here, and we're going to your wedding. Go, and get prepared for your wedding. You guys are getting married today, and we are going to be there. I promise."

  They don't say anymore, but they stare at me, being dumbfound. Slowly turning around and exiting out my hospital room, I try to find Nathan. He cannot die. He has to be here, with me. He promises me everything. Death cannot take that away from us.

  I've lost him before, I'm not ready to lose
him again. I want him. I love him, with all my heart. I want to raise a family with him. I want to grow a future with him. He promises me with all these things and I expect them to happen. I cannot let death break our relationship! I don't want it to break our promise.

  Sure, I can look back to our memories, but the memories are just... memories. I want to spend every waking moment with him. If he dies, I want to see him, one last time.

  ♠♣♥♦

  Shit, where the hell is his hospital room?

  I hear the doctors and nurses, speaking through the intercom. I hope one of the nurses does not catch me as they take me back to my hospital bedroom. I search for Nathan as I read the clipboards, which is clipped outside the door. Then, I see a clipboard that says Nathan Hampton. He's in the recovery room.

  Maybe he'll be able to survive. Maybe all of our wishes and hopes can come true! Please, God, let him survive. I pray.

  Rushing towards his room, a doctor blocks between Nathan and me. "Aren't you supposed to be in your bed, young lady?" the doctor asks. I stare at him, wondering if he's joking or not. By the look of his eyes, he seems as if he is very serious.

  "I want to check on Nathan." I say, hoarsely.

  "Visiting hours are not allowed for patients. I think you should go back to your bed, before you get seriously injured." The doctor advises.

  I roll my eyes. "I'm fine, Doctor. I want to see my boyfriend."

  "Oh, this is your boyfriend?" he smiles and laughs half-heartedly. What the fuck is his problem?

  Suddenly, he stops laughing and starts showing his serious side. "Still, there are no visiting hours." He commands. I simply nod, while looking down. Turning around, I limp towards my room, but I plan for him to leave as I quickly rush into his room.

  Watching from one of those mirrors, I wait for the doctor to leave my sight. I slowly walk backwards and slowly and cautiously walk towards Nathan's room. Entering into the room, I quickly shut and lock the door. I inhale, deeply, as my eyes are completely shut.

  Gulping, I turn around and see Nathan lying down in the hospital bed. He is seriously injured.

  I glance at the information, which is onto the clipboard. I look at his information, as I already know, such as his name, weight, height, age, etc. My eyes quickly scan to the bottom of the page. It says that he has lost so much blood, and he broke most of his bones. One of the bones in his ribcage is cracked. He also has permanent brain damage. He's paralyzed, too.

  I drop the clipboard onto the floor. Suddenly, I feel like crying.

  I quickly sank onto the floor, uncontrollably sobbing. I cannot be able to accept the fact that Nathan is actually dying in front of me. He's suffering through the most unthinkable type of pain and I really want it to be me, instead of him.

  Quivering, I crawl towards his body. I don't care who tries to barge through that door. I want to speak to Nathan, one last time. I want to see him, one last time. I don't want him to die. I want him to be with me, forever. Sobbing, I grab his hand. I place his hand against my lip, kissing it.

  I begin to breathe, uncontrollably. I don't know what to say. I can't think of what to say. I don't want to see him, knowing that he won't be with me. I have so much to say to him. I want him to know how I truly feel towards him. I want him to know that I will eternally love him. "Nathan," I breathe.

  "Nathan, I'm hoping you can hear me, because there are things that I want you to know." I inhale, while closing my eyes before proceeding any further. "I want you to know that I love you. I loved you, and I love you, now and forever." I pause, trying to fight my tears.

  "Please, if you can hear me..." I trail. Tears are falling out of my eyes. Rapidly blinking, I try to force those tears to vanish. However, I falter. "I don't want you to die." I whisper.

  Honestly, I don't want him to die. I don't want him to die, now. I won't allow it, but I'm not God. "Nathan, I want you to know that I agree to all of your offers. The things you've mentioned last night; I want you to know that I will be there for you, no matter what. I want to spend the rest of my life with you." I quiver. My hands start to shake. I'm not sure if Nathan can feel it.

  I can just hear the monitor beeping. Still, I know that he's alive. "I want to spend a life with you. I want to marry you. I want to raise children with you. I don't care how many we have. We can have ten kids, if you want!" I chuckle by the thought of raising ten kids. Shaking my head, I start to realize that I'm talking to an unconscious body.

  "Remember the time that we've spent a summer together? I was that sixteen-year-old girl and you were turning seventeen that year. I love the way you place your hands in your pockets, when walking towards me. I love how you interrupt me with a simple kiss." I trail, reflecting back to those memories. "I love how you say 'I love you' to me." My voice becomes hoarse.

  No sudden movement comes between Nathan and me. "We should be at the wedding, today."

  I watch the monitor beep in a steady pace. His heart rate is still good. My knees hurt like hell but I don't care. I want to stay beside him. I want to be there for him. Suddenly, I hear a knock on the door. "Hello, is anyone in there?" one of the doctors ask.

  Oh shit, not now!

  "Nathan, I want to know that I will always love you. You're my only one, Nathan Hampton." I whisper, hoping that he will always know that I have him, placed inside my heart. "You are the only one who can make my heart go fast and slow at the same time. You're everything to me."

  The knocks become more rapid. "Is there anybody in there? Open the door, now!" commands one of the doctors. "We are going to report the police, if nobody is answering."

  "No," I call. Shit, what the fuck did I do?

  Suddenly, I hear feet pacing towards the door.

  "Please, open the door." Another voice commands, as they continue knocking. One voice in my head tells me to open the door as the other tells me to stay put. I want to stay beside Nathan through thick and thin. I won't let anything come across between us.

  "Ma'am, you need to open this door or else I call the cops!" the same doctor yells.

  "Go ahead," I insist. "Call the FEDs and try to repel me from my boyfriend."

  Was I insane? I could be. Was I insane because I am seeing someone die? Yes, I'm insane because I am seeing someone, dying in front of me. Was I insane enough to see someone die because I'm hopelessly devoted to a man who I might not be able to see again? I am fucking positive that I am insane because I'm in love.

  ♠♣♥♦

  A couple of minutes, the police show up. Sure, the door is still locked, but I refuse to open it. Nathan is still barely alive and I want to keep it that way. I'd rather see him barely alive, compared to dead. He's in a coma, so I just hope he can make it. If he doesn't remember anything, then I will guide him to let his memory come back.

  I want Nathan to be right beside me. I want to notify that everything will be all right, because he's beside me. He's the only person I want. I found love, again. I don't want it to be taken, away from me again.

  "Open the door!" one of them yells.

  Sobbing, I stare at Nathan one last time. I gently wrap my arms around his body, one last time.

  "Since you're not opening this door, we're barging in," one of the cops announces.

  Ignoring them, I lay against his fragile corpse. I continue to hear his heartbeat. The beating steadies as it goes fast and slow at the same time. I continue to hear the same beating for a couple of seconds, reminiscing the moment.

  "I love you." I whisper, letting a stream of tears fall. As my eyes are closed, I hear banging from a distance. They seriously want to take me away from him. I can be arrested for doing such a stupid thing, but I seriously don't want to leave him without properly saying goodbye.

  The last hit finally opens the door as the cops run towards me and removes me from Nathan. I squirm and yell, trying to release from them. However, my fighting is very pitiful, compared to these built men. The doctors run towards the corpse as the monitor beeps faster. No, he cannot die!
<
br />   "No," I scream, while crying and fidgeting. "No, let me go! Let me go!" I command, but I somehow fail because I somehow realize that Nathan is already dead.

  ♠♣♥♦

  The next couple of days, I'm released from the hospital. No, the cops and the doctors decide not to arrest me because I haven't done anything illegal. They decide to give me a warning. If I ever do a stupid thing like that, they promise to house arrest me. I promise them that this will be the last time.

  Anyways, I receive text messages from Rhiannon and Grady. They say that they got married on the day Nathan has passed away, and now, they are on their honeymoon to California. I guess they want to see the lovely beaches in California, since Rhiannon's family has another house in San Diego.

  Her family also knows the famous male model, Cameron Bailey. Wow, I never seem to notice that male modeling can be so important to the world. Who wants to see males strip in front of people? Well, that's a stupid question.

  Leaving the hospital, I start scanning through my phone. Absentmindedly, I accidentally run into a stranger. Dropping my phone and seeing someone spill hot liquid on me, I start cursing and stare at the black stain, which is on my clothes. "Shit," I murmur against my breath.

  "I am so sorry." The young man apologizes.

  Suddenly, I make eye contact at the stranger. I stare from his smile into his blue eyes.

  Shaking my head, I quickly divert my attention from my thoughts to him. "It's okay. I've had worse days in my life." I admit.

  He chuckles and then hands me a napkin. "What's your name?" he asks.

  "Inna," I simply introduce.

  He chuckles and extends his hand towards me, while introducing himself. "Alex."

  "It's a pleasure to meet you, Alex." I grin, trying to be sympathetic and nice.

  He chuckles, again. "Say, do you want to grab coffee, sometime? And this time, I promise it will not be spilt on you." He swears, while letting out a sly chuckle.