by Jill Lynn
“I’m praying.” The answer snapped out a little snarly—ironic, considering the statement. Again, Luc dug for civility. “I’ve never done this before. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. What we’re supposed to do now.” He shrugged, offering an olive branch. “So I thought I’d ask someone who does.”
Disbelief and curiosity warred on her face. “Since when are you a praying man, Lucas Wilder?”
“Since I left...” You. “...Denver. Once I moved back to the ranch, I was...” A mess. “I started going to church with my family and it was like something clicked. I’d never really wanted a relationship with God when I was younger, but something changed. And so did I.” At least he hoped he had. Luc sure hadn’t handled things well with Cate back when they’d been together. He’d done a lot of putting himself first. Had he appreciated Cate back then? Doubtful.
His immaturity during their relationship—including the fact that they’d been pretending to be adults when they were anything but—smarted like a hoof to the shin.
“Ruby and I...we go to church, too. I became a Christian about a year ago.” A begrudging tilt claimed her lips. “It’s the reason you’re standing here right now. Otherwise, I’m not sure I would ever have softened.” She shrugged, one shoulder lifting the messy ponytail that had loosened to cascade down her back.
Seeing Cate so casual tonight—without the armor of her well-put-together clothes and wearing very little makeup—made Luc flash back to their younger days. She’d been beautiful back then, but now there was something about her... Maybe it was peacefulness. He wasn’t sure. But he liked this casual side of her. Cate looked ready to snuggle up on the couch with a blanket and watch a movie. And the traitor side of him thought he should be the one tucked in next to her. She had that effect on him, and he was still furious with her.
What would happen if he actually managed to forgive Cate? Maybe that was part of the reason he didn’t want to—because Luc refused to go anywhere near the possibility for that kind of anguish again.
The kind they’d caused each other.
In all of his aggravation at Cate over the past week, Luc had conveniently forgotten one thing...his fault in what had happened. What he’d been like back then. Even before their last fight, he’d often been quick to tussle with her over the smallest things. They’d been so young, their relationship on fast-forward.
Luc had thought he loved Cate then...but now he wondered if he’d ever truly understood the definition of the word.
Since Cate had reappeared in his life, he’d been so focused on the mistakes she’d made in keeping Ruby from him that he hadn’t even considered his selfish decisions.
“I was a jerk when we were younger, wasn’t I?”
Cate had the grace not to answer him, but Luc knew the truth.
No wonder she hadn’t told him about Ruby. If it had been him in her shoes, he wouldn’t have contacted himself, either.
* * *
Cate had been in too many hard, unforgiving chairs in doctors’ offices like the one currently holding her, but today something was different. Luc occupied the seat next to her.
Ruby climbed all over him, the heat from his lanky frame seeping into Cate’s personal space. Of course, he hadn’t lost his temper once dealing with all of Ruby’s pent-up energy while they waited. But then, he’d only been acting as a parent for six days. He’d fail soon enough, and then she’d feel guilty for entertaining this thought process at all.
Cate had read enough about Ruby’s condition to know that not every office did nurse consultations before the procedure, but she was thankful theirs did. The more information she had, the better.
“Do they normally run behind?” Luc asked.
“Not too bad. If you have somewhere you need to be, you can go.”
His eyes narrowed at her sugar-sweet offer. “Trying to get rid of me?”
Yes. “No.”
The grin commandeering his mouth said he knew exactly what she was thinking and doing. Attraction came unbidden, a surprising shimmy in her gut. Down, girl. Not your candy.
He leaned closer, and her body sent off warning flares. Jump ship advisories blared. “I already told you that I’m here for Ruby no matter what. That I want to be a part of her life. The question is whether you’re going to let me be.”
Since when had Luc turned into this wiser, calmer version of the barely adult man she’d once known?
In the living room the other night, before they’d talked to Ruby, he’d even prayed with her. They’d stood three feet apart and been separated by miles of unresolved issues, but the prayer had held more intimacy than she’d expected.
Luc had asked God to show them what to say and what not to say and to give Ruby an open mind.
The prayer had worked.
When they’d told Ruby that Luc was her dad, she’d asked a few questions that they’d done their best to answer, but for the most part, she’d been more focused on the future than the past. Though Cate imagined those tougher questions would come with time and age, and it would be her job to do the explaining.
Then Ruby had asked if she was going to see Luc again.
Cate had pondered the same question many times as she’d contemplated telling Luc about Ruby.
In answer, Luc had held Ruby’s hand in his oversize one. He’d told her he would always be in her life—that they were a part of each other—and nothing would separate them again. Ruby had listened intently. The next day she’d started referring to him as “my dad” instead of “my friend Luc.”
After Luc had gone back to the ranch that night, Ruby had been unable to sleep from her excitement. She’d told Cate all of the things she wanted to do now that she finally had her own dad. As if she’d gone into a store and picked one out from the shelf.
Camping. Fishing. Where had Ruby come up with those ideas? Probably from a kiddo at day care. Riding a horse again. Cate wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or irritated at Ruby’s immediate acceptance of Luc.
Of course, she should feel the first. But the second was just so within reach. All of a sudden, their lives were flipped upside down—like a bug on its back, legs wiggling to find traction in thin air. Ruby felt okay with that, obviously, but Cate didn’t. She wanted safety back. She wanted to be the only one at this visit instead of one half of a parenting duo.
Cate was definitely having a hard time letting Luc into their lives. And the worst part was, he knew it. He knew her too well. She’d made plenty of changes in the years since they’d dated, but there was still a little girl living inside her who struggled with rejection and trust.
Who couldn’t forget the lessons her parents had taught her.
She’d been ten when her parents divorced. Some couples fought for custody because one parent was unstable or unsafe. Because they believed a certain home was the better place for their children.
But hers had simply fought to fight. It hadn’t been about protecting her, but more that they didn’t want to give in to each other. She’d been collateral damage in their war.
A lost girl who knew intrinsically she wasn’t significant in the grand scheme of their relationship or divorce.
Cate didn’t want that for Ruby. It was part of why she hadn’t told Luc about her. Cate was afraid of losing her daughter. Fearful that Luc would fight for custody and then Cate would be just like her parents—focused on a battle instead of on Ruby.
She wanted Ruby to always feel important. Loved beyond a shadow of a doubt. To never experience the tumultuous pieces of childhood Cate had.
Not that Cate could tell Luc all of that. He would never understand why she’d kept Ruby from him. No answer would be good enough, and she had to be okay with that. Just like she had to figure out how to be more Ruby-like about him being in their lives.
The door to the room opened, and the nurse came in. Diane. They’d had her many times befo
re. She slid a wheeled stool up to Ruby while greeting them, and Cate introduced her to Luc.
“Ruby.” Diane held a teddy bear, one that had obviously been used numerous times as an example. “In two days Dr. Thom is going to fix a small hole in your heart, just like fixing Mr. Bear’s tear right here.” She motioned to the small gap in the brown fur. “You won’t feel it. You’re going to fall asleep like Sleeping Beauty, take a little nap, and when you wake up it will be all better.”
Ruby listened, enraptured by the idea of starring in her own fairy tale. “Okay, Dr. Thom fix it.” She went back to playing with the supplies from her activities bag—a small board she could draw on and then erase.
Over the years and appointments, Cate had told Ruby she had an extra-special heart that held lots of love and needed checkup appointments. She’d accepted that news just as easily as this. Of course, she was too young to truly understand the concept of surgery, but they did need to at least give her an idea of what was to come.
Dr. Thom’s whole staff was exceptional about knowing what to say and how to say it to make little minds understand.
Now, if only they had something to eliminate Cate’s apprehensions.
Cate let Ruby wear headphones and watch a movie on the iPad while Diane outlined the procedure for her and Luc. Diane talked through a few pages of information, including some visuals, then asked if they had any concerns.
“What will her recovery be like?” For some reason Luc’s question surprised Cate, but then, he had the right to be involved. He was here, wasn’t he? She should be thankful that he was committed to Ruby—that her daughter could depend on him—instead of being so panicked by what his presence meant.
Pull yourself together, Cate. Even if you can’t trust him, you can trust God. The mantra that had gotten her to the Wilder ranch in the first place eased a smidgen of uneasiness.
“With cardiac catheterization, the recovery is minimal,” Diane answered. “Nothing like open-heart surgery. Rest is needed while the incision site heals, but many children bounce back at a fast rate.”
“And will there be a lot of follow-up visits?”
Cate’s brow furrowed. What was Luc fishing for? Was he really this interested? Or was something on his mind?
“If things go as planned, we’ll do one about a month after and then we won’t need to see her for another year.”
“So, if she was living forty minutes outside Denver in a quiet place where she could recuperate—no germs being shared at day care—you don’t think that would be a problem? She wouldn’t be too far from medical care?” Luc’s questions came out in a rush, and Cate’s jaw lunged for her toes.
What was Luc doing? What was he thinking? Was he attempting to take Ruby from her?
Had she said those thoughts out loud earlier? Or had Luc plucked them from her mind? Eerie. It was as if she’d allowed the truth to surface for one moment, and Luc had immediately set about making her nightmares come true. Her throat closed off, and she couldn’t speak over the lump of outraged tears she refused to release.
“We’ll know more after the procedure, but I don’t think Dr. Thom would have any issues with that. Our patients come from all over the place. Not everyone lives in town.”
Cate resisted a hiss at her answer. At Luc’s audacity.
And one look at Ruby made it all a thousand times worse. Her headphones were looped around her neck, not on her ears. By the way her face perked with interest, she’d heard everything Luc had just asked. Ruby might not know exactly what Luc was saying, but she knew it involved her.
Who did Luc think he was, throwing out preposterous ideas in front of Ruby like he was...like he was her father and had a say in her life? Ruby couldn’t just be uprooted. She had a schedule. Day care. Friends. Luc might not see those things—or Cate—as important, but she did.
Ruby bounced with excitement. “What is it, Mommy? Are we going somewhere?”
Red flames had to be shooting out of the top of Cate’s head. Her face radiated with heat, now likely the shade of a scarlet crayon.
Cate sought with everything in her to manage a calm tone. “We’ll have to discuss it, sweets.” Gaze bouncing from Ruby, she raised a menacing eyebrow at Luc. “As a family.” Voice wobbling with barely suppressed anger, she focused on breathing as Diane wrapped up the visit and left.
At Cate’s direction, Ruby grabbed her small backpack of supplies from the corner of the room.
Gripping Luc’s arm, Cate lowered her voice. “What are you thinking? That I won’t care if Ruby comes to live with you? She has a life, Lucas. I realize I kept her from you, but trying to take her from me isn’t the answer.”
Stunned silence came from Luc. His mouth hung open, much like Cate’s had only minutes before.
“I got the big hostable door open!” Ruby stood with her back propping open the wide door, pride evident.
They exclaimed what a good job she did, then followed Ruby down the beige hallway, friction wedged between them like a third wheel.
Luc pulled her behind Ruby’s pace. Out of earshot. “I’m not...” His head shook as if he was clearing away cobwebs. “You think I’m trying to take her from you?”
What else was she supposed to think?
“I don’t want to separate the two of you. Even I know that’s out of the question, Cate. What kind of ogre do you think I am?”
Thankfully, he didn’t wait for her to answer.
“I’ve just been thinking that if you and Ruby would be willing to live at the ranch, even for just a few weeks or a month, it would allow me time to get to know her. We have guests six days out of the week during the summer. If you don’t, it will be really hard for me to get away and spend time with her. I’ll make it work, somehow, but...it was just a thought.” His voice lowered. Hardened. “And I am not such an idiot or jerk that I think she’d be coming alone. I do realize that she’s young and the two of you are a package. I wouldn’t do that to her.”
Now it was her turn to fumble for words. Luc caught up with Ruby, leaving Cate a few steps behind. Good. She needed the space to deal with...everything. Luc’s absurd suggestion. Her desire to scream no at his back. Or maybe throw something at those annoyingly broad shoulders filling out a cornflower blue short-sleeved button-down.
He was wrong, right? She didn’t have to truly consider what he was asking for, did she?
Not one part of her wanted to uproot their lives to live at the ranch, even for a short amount of time. But since Luc was acting so...so calm about all of it—even logical, if she wanted to give him credit for that, which she didn’t—Cate probably should try to be, too.
Or at least pretend to be. Right before she told him absolutely not.
Chapter Four
The smell of hospital antiseptic assaulted Luc’s nostrils. He hated the scent of anything bleached or overly sterilized. Growing up on a ranch with dirt under his fingernails and dust on his boots, he firmly believed that being covered in or even ingesting a little of God’s good earth wouldn’t harm a person.
Of course, the fact that he was in the hospital waiting for his daughter to get out of surgery could probably explain his current aversion.
Cate had been as quiet as a teapot just under boiling all morning. He kept wondering when she’d blow. Tears. An outburst. Any show of emotion. But so far, not one crack in her shell.
When they’d prepped Ruby for surgery, they’d given her something to make her groggy and almost fall asleep before doing the anesthesia. He and Cate had been allowed to walk her back to the catheterization area, and then the medical staff had taken Ruby from there.
Luc had thought Cate would crumble in that moment. And it had looked like she was about to. Her shoulders had slumped, eyes glazing over with pain and moisture. He’d been ready to catch her. To comfort her. No matter what had happened between them, he wouldn’t hold their history ag
ainst her at such an agonizing time.
But then Cate had stitched herself together like a desperate woman out on the trail. Bleeding and alone with no other choice.
Even though he’d been standing right next to her.
It had been like watching a storm roll over the mountains, dark and menacing, only to see it morph into white, harmless clouds that floated by without wreaking havoc.
Cate had stridden by him, shoulders back, stubborn chin thrust out. Down the hallway and into the waiting room she’d gone. She’d dropped into a chair and hadn’t moved yet. Not even to use the restroom.
Now she sat next to him with her eyes closed in the unforgiving chairs that boasted cushions but didn’t offer comfort. He knew she wasn’t sleeping. He’d guess she was coping about as well as one of the consistently used children’s books Emma had for Kids’ Club. Battered. Worn. With the pages barely holding together under the still-intact cover.
The ticking of the plain-Jane white clock with black hands in the corner marked the excruciatingly slow passage of time.
“You okay?” He finally ruptured the silence, questioning Cate.
“No, I’m not okay.” Her voice snapped, but then her chestnut eyes flashed open, filled with regret. “I’m sorry.” She toyed with the silver ring sporting a cross on her right hand, concentrating on it instead of him. “I’m just worried.”
It was the first chink in her armor that he’d witnessed. Capable Cate made raising Ruby on her own look easy. Like even single parenthood couldn’t deflate the wind in her cape.
“I am, too.” The dull ache in his gut had been there for days, reminding him of Ruby’s impending procedure.
Cate’s brow pinched. “Then why do you seem so calm?”
Funny. Didn’t she realize how composed she looked and acted? Something about knowing she wasn’t—that she’d confided even that small secret to him—twisted his insides.
“I’m not, really. But I’m choosing to believe she’s going to be okay. That’s what I’ve been praying nonstop for.” He wasn’t going to entertain any other options.