by Jill Lynn
“Luc.” Cate touched his arm, and the warmth stopped him in his tracks. “She’s asleep.” Cate motioned to Ruby’s face, which Luc couldn’t see because she was facing away from him. “Do you want to lay her in bed?”
He nodded. After depositing her on top of the bedspread, Luc covered her with an extra blanket. Ruby rolled over and snuggled in, her eyes remaining closed.
Only then did he allow himself a huge breath of relief. Amazing that she could still be so stinking lovable after a fit of those proportions. He grinned, head shaking, and walked back into the living room to find that Cate had taken over his pacing.
A mixture of exhaustion and frustration eased along his spine. Was she going to lose it on him? Technically, Ruby’s meltdown was his fault. He’d taken her on the campout. He was the one who hadn’t thought it would be a big deal.
The idea of slipping out of the cabin tempted him. He teetered with indecisiveness near the end of the couch, then walked around the coffee table and dropped to the cushions. If he was in trouble, he might as well get it over with.
“Guess I shouldn’t have taken her.”
Cate’s arms crossed in a protective barrier. “It’s not about that.”
Then what had her so agitated? Was it something with work? Or another part of her life?
“What did you do last night?” Knowing Cate, she’d been glued to her computer screen all evening.
“Emma and I shared a pizza and watched a movie.” She stopped at the back cabin window, staring out as if she’d caught a pair of squirrels dancing together.
“That’s good.” His little sister had the best heart. It always made him concerned that she’d get taken advantage of. She was missing the edges Mackenzie had. Ones that protected. He’d have to tell Emma thank you, though he knew she’d say she liked Cate and had hung out because she wanted to, not out of any sense of responsibility.
“So if it’s not about Ruby’s fit, and it’s not something bad that happened last night, what has you so hot and bothered?”
Her head jerked in his direction. “Me? Nothing.”
He attempted to cover his bark of laughter with a cough. She didn’t react. Didn’t say anything at all.
Luc pushed up from the couch and crossed over to her, stopping too close for comfort, hoping invading her space might snap her out of this daze. “I smell like a campfire.”
She still faced the window, arms in a protective self-hug. “You’re fine. You always smell a little like the outdoors.”
Huh. Interesting. Curiosity wrangled his tongue. “Is that a good thing?”
Just when he didn’t think he’d get an answer, she nodded. “It is. You wouldn’t be you without it.” That might be one of the nicer things she’d said to him.
Her eyes were glossy. Worn. Could she be sick?
“Did you sleep at all last night?”
“Off and on. Better than I expected to, actually.”
“She really didn’t cry like that at the campout, Cate. She was a little sad before bed. I offered to take her home and she wanted to stay. She did great, if that’s what you’re worried about—”
“It’s not!” Moisture escaped, cascading down her cheeks, forming a line like baby ducks following their mama.
What was he supposed to do? Leave? Stay? Was she mad at him?
She swiped the tears away quickly, but new ones kept appearing. “I’m not upset thinking that it didn’t go well. I’m upset thinking that it did.” Her wail was painful and oddly reminiscent of Ruby’s. What in the world did that mean? He didn’t have a clue, but he did hate seeing Cate like this. So he did the only thing he could think of. What he’d just done with their daughter.
He held her.
Just like Ruby, she stiffened. Not deterred, Luc tucked her against his chest and tightened his arms around her, communicating that he didn’t plan to let go anytime soon. After a second of hesitation, her hands fisted his shirt, not to push him away, but more like she was holding on. She sobbed into his T-shirt while he cradled her, all the while thinking that if Cate wasn’t losing half the moisture in her body in tears, this wouldn’t be the worst place in the world to be.
* * *
Catherine Malory had survived being pregnant on her own and raising their daughter for three—almost four—years by herself. But all it took was a month of Luc back in her life for her to break down in a heap and use him as her crash pad.
And the worst part was she didn’t want to tell him why.
Somewhere during her episode, Luc had started rubbing her back in a comforting circular motion. He felt good. All warm and strong. A tower the strongest gust of wind couldn’t budge.
Only he was the problem. So how could she explain that to him?
Her tears had stopped spilling a few minutes ago. At this point Cate was just prolonging being tucked against Luc’s chest. But who could blame her? It was nice in this little cocoon. Safe from the world and any troubles. From her feelings, which had bubbled up too fast for her to shove them down like she normally did.
After one deep breath—and secret inhalation of Luc’s somehow still addictive scent—Cate forced herself to peel away from him. Her body complained at the rush of cool that replaced Luc’s hold.
He grabbed the tissue box, offering it to her.
“Thanks.” She took one, attempting to make less of a mess out of what was sure to be a red, splotchy face. “Sorry about all of that. And the souvenir.” She pointed to his shirt, where she’d left a wet circle of tears behind like a drooling baby. Classy.
Luc glanced down, then shrugged. “It’s okay.” A grin played with his features. “If it wasn’t for the crying part, I would have been just fine with the rest of it.”
Heat inflamed her face at the implication of his words. Had he meant them? Would he take them back? She didn’t want him to.
She’d missed being someone’s person. Missed Luc and the way he’d always been such a support to her. Her biggest fan. But Cate couldn’t afford to feel that way about him again. He was already taking over too much of her life in the form of Ruby. She couldn’t let herself fall this time. Not when Ruby’s happiness was at stake.
When her parents had attempted getting back together after the divorce and it hadn’t worked, it had been even more painful than the first time for Cate. And she refused to do anything of the sort to Ruby.
“Do you want to talk about what’s wrong?”
“No.” Cate shook her head in double answer.
“Can you at least tell me what you meant when you said you were upset the campout went well?”
He’d heard that? How was she going to explain?
Cate wanted to send Luc home. To buy herself a few days to regroup and sort out the emotions that had tumbled so out of control today. But if she did, things would stay the same, and she’d live in constant fear of losing Ruby. She couldn’t continue functioning under the weight of this dread. It was killing her slowly.
She moved to the couch and sat. Luc followed, leaving a ruler length of space between them. How could he be too far away and too close all at the same time?
“I told you about my parents’ divorce when I was a little girl.”
Luc nodded.
“I shared pieces of it with you, but not all of it.” He remained silent, but his eyes were on her in a way that told her he was listening. “During the divorce, things got rough. They seemed to almost enjoy fighting each other. Neither wanted to give in. It didn’t matter what was at stake—they both put up a fight. Even when it came to me.”
Cate struggled to even out her breathing. She hated talking about this. “They couldn’t agree on custody. Both of them bad-mouthed each other to me, trying to sway me to their side. It was awful. Finally, the judge asked me where I wanted to go. Who I wanted to live with.” She plowed ahead, knowing if she quit talking she’d nev
er find the courage to finish. “I was ten years old and they made me choose between them.”
Luc blinked, a sheen of moisture evidence of his sympathy. “What did you do?” His voice was low, quiet and filled with pain that matched the stabbing in her chest.
“I picked both of them. How was I supposed to decide something like that? I went back and forth, and they shared custody. I didn’t know what else to do. I wanted to please everybody and didn’t realize until much later that I couldn’t.”
Luc covered the space between them, his jean-clad leg landing snug against her thigh as he snaked an arm out and tucked her into the nook of his shoulder. Despite her misgivings and the warning sirens blaring in her mind—products of all the why she shouldn’t be doing this reasons she’d just rehashed—Cate didn’t fight him. Just one more time she’d let it slide. Accept the comfort he offered. The future wouldn’t be filled with moments like this, so was it so wrong to enjoy it? To let herself believe she didn’t have to do life alone?
Besides, it would be easier to say this next part without looking at him.
“I don’t want to fight with you over Ruby.” She felt him tense and continued before she lost her nerve. “That’s why I didn’t tell you about her when I found out I was pregnant. Yes, it was our argument and the fact that you never contacted me again. But it was also my fear.”
Cate straightened and met the questions written on Luc’s face. “I didn’t want to lose her, and I was petrified that we’d end up fighting. That we’d do to her what my parents did to me—focusing on each other and not on her. And now that we’re here, and you two are bonding, I’m worried that when we leave to go back to Denver, you’ll file for custody and we’ll end up arguing over her. I will share her with you. I promise. We don’t have to go through the court system. I know we can figure it out.” Her voice dropped to a pleading whisper. “But please don’t try to rip her away from me, because then we will end up like my parents. And I don’t want to do that to Ruby. I don’t want her to feel like I did as a kid. I was a rope in my parents’ hands, constantly pulled in one direction and then the other. But I never felt loved. Noticed. If anything, their fighting made me feel completely alone.”
She sat on her hands to keep from answering the call of her fingernails, which were begging for her to indulge in old habits. “Seeing that the campout went well... I mean, yes, she had a meltdown after, but she does that after any late night. It wasn’t you. You handled her so well when you got back here. It’s like I’m not needed. And that frightens me.”
Could she leave one thought in her head instead of letting them all fall out at once? Luc was going to think she was nuts and then she really would lose Ruby.
Cate’s shoulders rose and fell as she tried to calm her racing nerves. She’d just dumped a lot on Luc. Some she hadn’t planned to say. What would he do with all of it?
Warm, soft empathy radiated from his handsome face, the scruff from last night a shadow against his cheeks and chin. “Cate, I’m sorry about your parents. They shouldn’t have done that to you.” He swallowed, Adam’s apple bobbing. “I can’t imagine you as such a young girl having to make a decision like that...” His head shook. “And Ruby needs you. Always. There’s no doubt about that. Even I need you to parent with me. I can’t do this alone. And we’re not going to do what your folks did. We’re not them. You’re nothing like your selfish parents. And I’d like to think that I’m not, either.”
“You’re not. That’s why I’m asking for this. I get that it’s a little unorthodox, but I just—”
“This is what you need to feel safe. To know that Ruby is protected and loved.”
She nodded.
“Of course I want Ruby in my life, but I wouldn’t fight with you at her expense. We’ll figure it out together. I would never try to take her from you.”
Relief trickled through her limbs, relaxing cranky, tense muscles. “Even after what I did to you? Why not?” She wanted to slap herself for the question and the panic it ignited in her, but at the same time, she needed to know. Needed to get all of this out now so that she could finally be free of this anxiety.
“Because that wouldn’t be good or healthy for her. I don’t ever want her to doubt how much we love her. Plus...I’ve forgiven you.”
“What? When?” Cate whispered, afraid she’d heard wrong. Afraid she’d heard right and she would be missing one of the strongest walls that stood between her and Luc. She wanted that barrier between them. To know that he’d never harbor feelings for her again. That he could never love her. Because if there was a chance he could again...how would she resist?
Cate couldn’t let her heart make another botched attempt at something that would break it forever.
“It was actually at the campout. I’ve been praying about it since I found out Ruby was mine, but last night that stronghold finally broke free. You not telling me about her is over and done, and I want to move forward.”
Surprise and disbelief registered at the same time. “But I don’t deserve your forgiveness.” Not after what she’d done.
The skin around Luc’s eyes crinkled. “That’s exactly what grace is all about.”
Cate had experienced mercy when she’d become a Christian and truly understood for the first time that God loved her, inside and out. The good and the bad. But never did she think that the human being who would show her that kind of forgiveness on earth would be Luc.
The idea of trusting him with Ruby and the impact he could have on all of their lives...it was still scary. But she was willing to take a step in that direction.
And that was a first for her.
Chapter Twelve
Luc was supposed to be working. Instead, he was fighting constant thoughts about Cate. Like, what was she doing right now? Was she thinking about him? And then there was his personal favorite: What would it be like to wrap her in his arms and steal a kiss?
Like he used to have permission to do. Used to being the key phrase Luc needed to pound through his thick skull.
Ever since their conversation last week when Cate had opened up to him about Ruby and her childhood—her reasons why she’d done what she’d done—he’d had a hard time concentrating on anything but her.
Cate telling him didn’t have anything to do with their relationship—it had been about protecting Ruby—but it was getting harder for Luc to only focus on their daughter. He’d begun to think of himself, Cate and Ruby as a family. And of the two of them as permanent fixtures at the ranch.
Not his most brilliant idea since none of those were viable options. In two short days they would head back to Denver. Luc kept reminding himself that was a good thing. He and Cate were better as parents and friends. A large chunk of him wanted more...okay, all of him. But he still wasn’t sure Cate fully trusted him—about what had happened between them in the past, or what could happen in the future.
And he wasn’t going down that road if she couldn’t. Because despite what she might think, he was trustworthy. And he wanted someone who knew that down to their bone marrow. Who harbored no doubts.
A knock sounded on Luc’s office door, and Gage poked his head inside. “Hey.”
“Hey, man.” Luc leaned forward and propped elbows on the desk. “I needed an excuse to quit for the day and here you are.”
“At your service.” Gage dropped a wedge of papers on the desk. “Brought you something.”
“What is it?”
“Info about petitioning for allocation of parental responsibilities. The woman I asked got back to me about a week ago, and I kept forgetting to drop these off for you. Sorry for the delay. Of course I’ll help if you decide to file yourself.”
Ice slithered through Luc’s veins. He’d shelved the conversation he’d had with Gage about custody, forgetting they’d even talked about it. At the time he’d been furious and still in shock.
It would no
t be a good thing for Cate to know about that initial exchange or these papers. Not after what she’d told him last week.
“I spaced that we’d even discussed this.” Luc pushed the papers a few inches in Gage’s direction as if they were a contagious disease, wanting to scrub his hands clean after touching them. Or use some of Cate’s always-ready hand sanitizer. Like she made Ruby do after handling pretty much...anything. “I’m actually not going to file for custody. Cate and I are going to work things out between us.”
Luc had gone over and over the same question in his mind since Cate had opened up to him: Could he trust Cate with his daughter? His gut said yes. And after prayer, that answer hadn’t changed.
Gage’s jaw slacked, and he rubbed a hand across it, confusion evident.
“I’m sorry your friend did all of that work and I’m not going to use it. I can pay for it. Hate to waste anyone’s time.”
Dropping to a seat on the futon, Gage leaned forward, resting elbows on his knees. “I’m not worried about that. It’s just...what changed your mind?”
“Cate.”
“Did she tell you not to file? Because I don’t think that’s a good idea. You don’t know what she’ll do when she leaves here with Ruby, and—”
“I do know.” Luc swallowed a rush of frustration. Gage was only trying to help. But sometimes the bitterness of what he’d been through with his ex-wife jaded his perception of the whole world. “We talked about it. We’re going to work everything out. There’s no need for paperwork or the court.”
“But how can you just trust her?”
“Because I’m choosing to.” And Luc wanted the same respect from her. He wished she would have trusted him when he’d denied seeing anyone else like she’d accused him of. Maybe they wouldn’t be in this predicament now if she had. If there was anything he understood, it was the need to be believed.
“Does that seem like a good idea?”
“It’s the one I’m sticking to.” Luc didn’t tell Gage about Cate’s childhood. That was hers. Personal. He imagined it had been hard for her to share it with him, and he was thankful she had. Ever since their talk, he’d been much more at peace, knowing she would make sure Ruby stayed in his life, too.