Dae looked at Koda and her fear increased. “That’s the thing. I don’t. I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel bad, or sad, or regretful. I don’t feel anything for them or about them. I know there is always a chance that somebody is going to die by my hand in a fight. I don’t regret being the one who killed him. The only thing I regret is not killing his friend too.”
In a heartbeat Koda, grabbed Dae and hugged her tight. Dae was so silly sometimes. “Had you not been hurt, I would have killed them both.” Koda felt immense relief, both his and Dae’s.
Iya was shocked at Dae’s proclamation. Iya did not expect that to come out of Dae’s mouth. Here Iya was expecting Dae to tell her about being a hybrid wolf shifter and Dae surprised the heck out of her with that!
Iya felt so many emotions cascading inside her. Disbelief. She felt anger and sadness by what Dae had said so forthcoming that Iya knew it was the whole and absolute truth. The first time Dae gave Iya the whole story, that’s what she said?
Iya expected Dae to feel some type of regret that a life was lost, that Dae took a life. Iya didn’t expect to hear Dae spouting off that she wished she would have killed them both. She expected that from the other wolves, heck, that’s all Raj talked about until Iya told him to knock it off. How could Dae be as bloodthirsty as two full wolves when she was only half? “You don’t care at all Dae?”
Koda let Dae down back to her seat so she could face Iya. Iya didn’t understand. She would have to if she wanted to fit in their world. It was the way it was and that wouldn’t ever change.
“No. Not about them. I care that I probably left my DNA all over them and that I lost my good knives.” Dae sighed before she continued, “You don’t know… you just don’t know how bad people can be. Some people aren’t worth feeling bad for. “
Koda growled as Iya stood wearing incredulity the way most people wore underwear. “You cannot be serious.” Her roomy had to have some feelings, had to feel something about killing somebody. Iya could not accept otherwise. Dae was not a blood thirsty wolf. She was Iya’s best friend.
Dae took a deep breath and stood. “I know you can’t understand this Iya, but when it comes down to some evil guy and me I won’t ever feel bad for doing what needs to be done. It’s my nature.”
“I can’t take this, you didn’t even know about your nature until today. Or did you?” Iya accused pointing a finger at Dae.
Dae looked at Iya with a straight face Dae said, “I’ve been this way for a long time. I won’t apologize for it.”
“I can’t even talk to you.” Iya said as she hightailed it out of the condo, Raj following close behind her. Dae went to go after her but Koda grabbed her waist before she took a step. “Let her go, she needs some time. Raj won’t leave her alone.”
Dae looked up at Koda. “You sure you don’t want to run while you have still have the chance? You’re just ok with me having no conscience?”
Koda growled. Was his mate insane? “Not feeling guilt over what happened doesn’t mean you have no conscience. It just means you have priorities.”
“Really? Because I thought that meant I was a fucking psychopath.”
Koda growled at the use of his mate’s favorite four letter words. Could Dae go a day without using them? “Not even close. Would you kill someone who didn’t do anything to yourself or others? Some random stranger for no reason?”
“No, but if this random stranger smelled like those two… yes. I would probably kill them.” And it was the truth. Koda was so happy Dae didn’t skirt around the answer. It was the whole truth, not just a piece of it she thought he needed to know.
Dae couldn’t believe how Koda was taking this. She just admitted she would gladly kill again. “So, you’re ok with this? You know I’m probably a wanted criminal by now besides being criminally insane.”
Koda laughed. “You’re not insane and you’re only wanted by me.”
“I left a body in an alley with my blood all over the place.”
“There’s no body or blood to find.”
“What do you mean ‘no body or blood to find’?”
“I mean it’s been taken care of.”
Dae looked up at Koda’s face. “Do I even want to know?”
“Later. I’m still hungry.”
Dae was too. Dae felt saddened that Iya couldn’t accept the part of Dae that would do anything to survive. Would Iya ever accept all the parts of Dae that she hid from the world?
A week ago, Dae would have said there was a strong possibility. A week ago, Dae would have never thought that Koda would accept that part of her without any hesitation.
She would have sworn there was no way he would take her by the hand back to the table and let her lean on his shoulder as they sat side by side eating in his empty condo.
But that was exactly what he did.
Twenty-five
Iya knew she was being hypocritical. She kept all her gifts a secret from Dae. Hadn’t spoke nary a word about them. Held her secrets so close to herself Iya could barely imagine exposing them to anybody. Her parents told her not to tell anyone. So, no matter how much she wanted to tell Dae, she didn’t.
Iya felt guilty, how could she be mad at Dae for who she was? Did killing that guy make Dae a sociopath who killed indiscriminately? Did it make her a soulless murderer like them?
No.
The ones who killed her parents, the them that haunted her memories since she was 12 years old, had they felt the same way? Had they not cared? Not cared that they stole away the only two people in the world who loved her for her, who knew her for who she was? No they didn’t care at all.
Iya didn’t know the meaning of the word hate until her parents were taken away. Her parents murderers were the only ones she found herself able to hate. And hate she did, to the very depths of her being. They were the only ones who she would gladly kill should she ever be given the chance.
Not the only two people. What about Dae? Your sister Dae. Dae who did not kill your parents.
Why was she lumping Dae in with those murderers? They weren’t one and the same.
But wasn’t Dae like them? Didn’t her admission translate into just that?
No, Dae was not like them. Not like them at all. Dae did not stalk those men, those Cursed wolves, they stalked her. She was innocent. Like Iya’s parents were. They were going to hurt Dae for God knew what reasons. The ones who hurt her parents, they had no reasons…
Dae did not come after your parents.
God, she knew that. Those murderers were not Dae. Dae was not like them. Dae was family. Iya loved Dae, couldn’t think of not having Dae in her life. It was evident the second they met; Dae was supposed to be in Iya’s life as much as Iya was supposed to be in Dae’s life.
Dae may be meaner than a rattlesnake and as devious as Satan himself most of the time but Dae knew how to live. Dae’s light was as bright as any star in the nights sky; the color a deep radiant red that sparked and shined. That was why most people gravitated towards her much to her dismay.
No matter what happened, every single day, Dae found ways to amuse herself. She didn’t shy away from being happy; she embraced it. She was free and she lived everyday that way. She did what she did and it was what it was. She didn’t care who liked it, as long as she liked it.
That freedom of spirit was what so many wanted for themselves but could rarely achieve. It was the heart that Dae never showed on her sleeve that attracted most to her. They wanted to know that heart, to feel her freedom if only for a time. Of course she never allowed anyone but Iya in. But it meant more to Iya than Dae would ever know.
Blanket acceptance. Who could say they had that?
It goes both ways hypocrite.
What Dae admitted was shocking, but not condemning. Iya knew Dae did what she felt needed to be done. Iya even understood it. Her father used to explain things to her that way when she was a girl, he used to tell her that one day she would have to do things that she wouldn’t like but were necessary.
Before her parents were taken away, Iya always thought her father was talking about eating cabbage and peas. She knew better now. She’d like to think she grew up since then, but her behavior today proved otherwise.
If Dae didn’t know about herself, Iya could have made things worse for Koda with explaining it all to Dae. It was a strong possibility that Dae might retreat away from everybody, thinking no one will love her for being who she was.
Iya felt stupid and she disliked feeling that way.
Raj had followed her to her apartment. Iya went back home; where things weren’t so complicated. Iya wished she could go back to before all this happened. She wanted to go back to having her most of the time insane antisocial roommate who didn’t have crazed Cursed wolf people stalking her.
Back to before she became a hypocritical judging bitch.
Raj grabbed her waist as she stepped toward her apartment door and hugged her. Iya was going to fight him; she was going to yell at him and beat him senseless.
“Shhhh its ok. It’s ok.” Raj tried to sooth Iya. Her emotions were everywhere. Once she started crying he couldn’t help himself.
“I’m ok. I just want to go to sleep in my own bed.” Iya stepped out of his warm arms and unlocked the door. Raj didn’t scent that any other person or shifter had been inside, so it was more or less safe for Iya to take a nap there.
Raj planted himself sitting against the wall on the floor.
“What are you doing?”Iya questioned him.
“Sitting.”
Iya sucked her teeth, a bad habit she had picked up from Dae. “I know that. I meant what are you doing sitting there? The sofa is right next to you.”
“No offence, but the floor is way more comfortable.” Raj tried to hide his smirk.
“Have it your way.” Iya walked towards her room as she heard him mumble “If I had my way you’d be naked already.” Iya paused and looked back at a grinning Raj.
“Didn’t they ever tell you that good things are worth the wait?”
“Yeah. Every Christmas but I still ended up finding all my presents a week before.”
Iya laughed. “This is one present you ain’t getting before the 25th.”
Raj pouted and Iya couldn’t resist. “However you can be my man pillow if you promise to keep your paws off me.”
Raj’s face lit up as he followed Iya into her bedroom. She didn’t say anything about his hands.
Dae sat on the bed Iya slept in at Koda’s condo. Dae hadn’t slept in the huge bed at all. Dae wondered if that was because she knew all along that she would end up in Koda’s bed. It seemed Dae had been fighting something all along that didn’t need to be fought. Huh.
It had been six hours since Iya left with Raj and Dae was starting to think that Iya wasn’t coming back. Had she really just lost her family so quickly?
One second she was alone and the next Koda placed her on his lap for a hug. She never even saw him coming. She was …grateful.
“She’ll come back. You’ll see.” Koda spoke into her neck. Dae really did love feeling his scruff against her skin. She loved it even more when his voice rumbled so low it sounded like a growl. He was rocking her like she was a child. Compared to him, she guessed she was child sized. It was comforting.
“Ok. I will leave the room this time. I promise.” Dae had been in the room for hours since Iya left. And Koda had been trying to get her out of it for hours. He pulled back to look at Dae; he felt her sadness and her worry. He hoped Iya would get over this. Koda knew that Dae’s version of full disclosure was blunt, to the point and incredibly honest. He didn’t think it was possible but he it seemed he loved her even more for giving him that. Koda placed her on the bed, taking her hand to tug her along. Sitting in the bedroom wasn’t going to make Dae feel better. He had to get her out of the bedroom.
Gods, he never thought he would ever be thinking that.
“Five more minutes.” Dae bargained with Koda. She felt that he was worried about her. Koda mock glared Dae into the first smile she had in hours.
“Five more minutes, or I will eat all of Pappy’s lasagnas when they come.”
Dae laughed as Koda retreated.
Dae was about to get up as she noticed folded paper slipped underneath the pillow. It was notebook paper written in some super impressive script that was not hers or Iya’s. Intertwined with it was questions… in Iya’s handwriting.
On any other day, she would not have read it. Any other day, she would have left it alone; Dae didn’t snoop on Iya. Dae loved Iya but if there was anything she wanted Dae to know, she would tell Dae or not tell her.
But these papers had Dae’s name all over it. Literally.
Dae snatched it up, unfolded the sheets and began reading the strange question and answer letter…
Sometime time later, when Dae regained her sight back and her ears stopped ringing, her brain kicked into gear.
It wasn’t true. It wasn’t true at all. It was all a joke. A weird non-funny joke. One of those weird mind tricking jokes that trick you into believing it made an odd kind of sense. It had to be.
There was no way possible that anything in that question and answer letter was true. People were not wolves and wolves were not people. Wolf people were an oxymoron. Dae had to be a moron to even entertain the idea.
This was the real world, and here in the real world, there were no warring wolf people Tribe’s or wolf people leaders. That was bat-shit crazy. Dae was not a wolf ‘shifter’. Dae was a person. A mean person but still a human being. Right? With two legs…
“Two legs or four baby cakes doesn’t matter to us…”
The one who got away said that to her. Dae didn’t understand then but they were fucking sick evil bastards. Evil never made sense; it just was. Whether you liked or not. And they were truly evil, no they were –Cursed. The words Dae read started to repeat in her head over and over again.
Hybrid. Wolf shifter. Vicious. Feral. Cursed. Tribe. Mate.
That last word pricked Dae like a knife in the gut. Wolves have mates. In the wild they have mate’s. Wolves only breed with their mate’s. Shifters, if there were really people who could turn into animals – and Dae was pretty sure she was reading some odd outline to a sci-fi novel Iya and Raj were writing together–, were sterile. The paper said real wolves were not sterile but shifter wolves were sterile unless they have a mate.
What did that mean to her?
Open your eyes… look in the mirror. What are you? What do you see?
A woman, not a hybrid wolf shifter, not a mate, Dae saw a woman. A woman who was never like everybody else.
Now you know why.
The pain in Dae’s chest was killing her and her stupid eyes felt like they wanted to retreat back into her head because they burned so much.
Dae remembered the running exotic cats from the night she escaped Koda at the Roadhouse. Dae thought it was her imagination. There had been lions, jaguars and jackals. Then there was the black wolf with the white paw next to Koda with the crazy teeth… Then, out of nowhere, Raj appeared naked. If Dae remembered correctly Koda was naked.
Oh Gods, it hadn’t been hallucinations due to blood loss.
If this was true –Gods please don’t let this all be true– then Koda knew. Koda the wolf shifter Tribe something or other. He knew from the beginning, from when he had helped her that first night –no, he knew from when he watched her. From when he followed her.
He lied without lying to her all along.
He –Gods no… He knew she was supposed to be his one and only chance to breed? To breed what? A litter or babies? Oh Gods, what if it was a litter of babies or a mixed liter of pups and babies?
Dae felt nauseated. Koda knew everything this whole time and didn’t say anything. He knew when she was almost grabbed on campus. He knew her foul smelling stalkers were… Cursed? Some damn evil Cursed wolf people?
Cursed wolves; he knew she was wanted by Cursed wolves. He only pretended they were humans like he pr
etended to be human. Dae never felt like she belong with humans but she was starting to feel like she belonged with him.
Because they were mates. That was why. It was biological.
Dae didn’t like anybody. That was why her body was so confused since she met him… and he used it against her. He didn’t tell her the truth because he was trapping her like the animal he believed her to be.
Don’t spook the animals with any loud noises and fast movements or they’ll attack.
That was why she never fit in, why she didn’t belong with the humans…
She was an animal. Vicious. Feral.
Dae felt like she couldn’t breathe and every part of her skin itched like never before. He knew the whole time. And Iya knew too.
“I can’t take this, you didn’t even know about your nature until today. Or did you?’”
Iya had accused her of knowing hours before. The conversation’s she had been having with Koda took on whole new meanings.
“Or maybe you’re confused on just how many wolves there are in this tale.”
Yeah, you think?
“Different doesn’t mean bad.”
“It doesn’t always mean good either.”
Those were her words. She said it herself.
She had wondered how he knew she had the ‘nose’. All wolf shifters apparently have the ‘nose’.
She dreamt of last Thursday after she cried herself to sleep in his arms. Of his strange questions… Dae had to clench her jaw tight to keep from screaming.
Gods how stupid was she? He lie without lying so easily, it had smelled like the truth every time.
Practice makes perfect.
She was leaking again. She deserved this, all of this pain. No one did anything for nothing. All there ever was, all there ever would be was the game. Everybody wanted something from you. To him, she was just a breed mare. The one to give him his offspring, whatever they may be.
She had been a fool. So easily had she been played into giving up the one thing she couldn’t afford to give and he probably didn’t even want: her heart. He had it, all one million pieces of it.
Lost & Found (A Lost Ones Novel Book 1) Page 31