Over the past few months, Cody had alluded to having overcome a bad temperament. Julian found that just as difficult to believe now as he had when Cody first broached the subject. “Why were you so angry?”
“I was pissed off at my mom, at the husbands she forced into my life. Some of them were real jerks. They treated me like shit and thought they had a right to push me around.”
The idea of anyone laying a hand on Cody made Julian’s stomach wrench. He felt the need to find these men and use the political influence he possessed to make their lives miserable.
“But mostly I was mad at myself.”
“What did you have to be mad at?”
“I allowed myself to be sucked into each new relationship my mother had.” He averted his eyes, clearly embarrassed by the admission. “I always hoped the next one would be the father I’d always wanted, the father who would claim me, unlike the man who left my mother and me the day I was born.”
Julian already knew about Edward Foster, Cody’s biological father. They had discussed him one night a couple of months ago. Cody had been the result of his mother’s affair with a married man, and when that affair bore fruit, Edward took off.
Cody shook off the ghost of his father he had unintentionally summoned. “I was a pissed-off kid. If I had a problem with someone, I used my fists to solve it. All that changed when I met Phillip. He didn’t let things upset him. Everything just rolled off his back as if it wasn’t a big deal, and he taught me how to do that, how to focus my rage into something creative.”
“Thus the writing.”
He nodded. “He inspired me to change, to be a better man, and before I knew it, I had fallen in love with him.” Cody’s face grew dark.
“Did he not feel the same way?”
“He did.” He paused for a second. “Well, he said he did. You see, the one thing I forgot to mention was that Phillip was straight.”
Oh boy. That rarely ended well. “So you fell in love with a straight boy?”
“Yeah. But the thing was that even though Phillip had never been attracted to another man before, he was attracted to me.”
“I assume you had sex.”
Cody perked up. “Oh yeah. A whole hell of a lot of sex.”
The smile that tracked across Cody’s expression upset Julian. It made him feel territorial, as if he suddenly needed to claim Cody as his for all to see. Julian didn’t understand the emotion. He’d never felt like that about anyone in his life. He found it both unsettling and wonderful. “So you were an experiment, then?”
“Yeah. I guess I was.”
Although Julian could take a guess at what had happened, he didn’t want to interject. This was Cody’s story, and Cody had to be the one who finally uttered the details that Julian believed a precious few knew.
“After we graduated, Phillip decided we should drive across country, take in the sights, and use them in our novels. The problem was my mother had just gone through another divorce, and she was falling apart. She needed me to be by her side, and even though I didn’t want to, I went home. For a week. For one fucking week.”
Julian pressed his outer thigh against Cody’s, allowing him to feel the warmth and comfort he was ready to provide as Cody wrapped up his tale of heartbreak. “What did Phillip do in that week?”
“He went home to tell his family about our plans and wait for me.”
Julian rested his head on Cody’s shoulder. They were almost there.
“A week later I drove four hours to where he lived, my car packed and ready to go, only to learn he’d gotten married to his high school sweetheart.”
Julian laced his fingers with Cody’s as the anger of his youth flashed like blue fire in his eyes.
“Can you fucking believe that? He married her after one week, and when I showed up, all he could say was that he was sorry. That he never stopped loving her. That he had never really lov—”
When Cody’s voice broke, Julian couldn’t take it anymore. He sat up and hooked Cody’s chiseled chin with his thumb and index finger, forcing his devastated and angry gaze upon him. “He was a fool.”
Cody shook his head. “I was the fool. I was the one who fell in love. I was the one who allowed a man to destroy me just the way my mother had let all her husbands devastate her. I knew better than that!”
Although Julian couldn’t relate, since he’d never been in love, he suddenly understood Cody better than ever. His carefree approach to life, the way he hopped in and out of bed with different men, had been a reaction to giving his heart to Phillip and having it trampled.
Cody rested his forehead against Julian’s. “After what I learned about your past tonight, I figured you deserved to know about mine. I saw your vulnerability, and that’s why I felt like I had to tell you. You deserved that piece of the puzzle so you could make your own informed decision.”
Julian had difficulty swallowing, and his chest tightened. A burning desire to shelter Cody, to protect him from his pain, overwhelmed Julian. It was extremely unfamiliar to him. No one had ever opened up to him like this before. He had friends he’d known for years, and they still didn’t know much about each other’s lives beyond what they learned over drinks and dinner.
He didn’t know anyone on this planet like he knew Cody Hayes. It was a gift he’d never take for granted, and if Cody let him, he would return it.
Chapter Twelve
THE entire drive back to the house, Cody prepared himself for the very first fight of his married life. The tension gathered in his neck and back, his pulse jackhammered in his ears, and his left eye twitched. When he finally let it out, it wasn’t going to be pretty, and Julian wouldn’t know what hit him.
Cody had tried to move his simmering pot of anger to the backburner. He’d told himself he was overreacting. He had to give Julian the time and space he needed to finally open up, to take the first tentative steps toward the intimacy Cody realized he craved from this marriage, whether it was based on romantic love or not.
After all, Julian had been extremely sweet and thoughtful throughout his tale of woe. His touch gave Cody comfort, and his words had been kind and reassuring, but it had been too perfect, too pat, as if he were playing a part instead of truly experiencing the emotion. That came across clearly when Julian hadn’t finally spilled his guts about Blane, hadn’t laid the truth about their relationship at Cody’s feet the way Cody had done with Phillip.
Instead Julian droned on about a honeymoon in Europe. He chattered about how they would spend a few days in Paris and then London. He entertained the notion of a Scandinavian or Mediterranean cruise. He wanted to take Cody to Westminster, to the Louvre, to the Roman Coliseum. Cody had always wanted to see those places, but what he wanted most was for Julian to stop talking about taking a trip and finally discuss something that was real.
“What’s the matter?” Julian asked as he pulled into the driveway.
Cody responded by getting out of the car and slamming the door. He stormed through the front door and paused in the living room. Everywhere his gaze fell, he noted how he and Julian had slowly woven their lives together. His photos of his mother adorned the mantel and were seated next to picture frames of Julian’s parents and siblings. His tennis shoes sprawled on Julian’s carpet, a laundry basket containing their dirty clothes sat on the couch waiting to be washed, and his books leaned next to Julian’s on the bookshelves.
They had successfully melded their possessions, but beyond the intense sexual attraction that roiled between them, they hadn’t moved past where they had been when they first met.
After dinner, he’d figured that was where they were headed. Boy had he been wrong.
“Cody.” Julian sprinted inside the house. His words came out in low, barely audible rasps. “Are you okay?”
Cody shook his head when he turned around. His voice came out hard. “No.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I can’t do this.” He hadn’t expected those words to leave his lips, but
as soon as they did, he stood taller.
Julian’s narrowed eyes communicated his confusion. “Can’t do what?”
“This.” Cody gestured between them. “Whatever this is.”
Julian took a tentative step closer, clearly realizing eggshells now carpeted the floor between them. “I don’t understand.”
“I thought we were finally going to be real with each other tonight, to peek past the curtains we kept up regarding our pasts, but I can see that’s never going to happen.”
“What are you talking about? You just shared about your past with Phillip. You said you saw a different side of me tonight with my mom.” He stopped. Only a few feet separated them. To Cody, it felt more like miles. “What exactly are you looking for?”
“I’m looking for you to finally tell me about Blane.”
Julian cocked his head to one side. “Blane? This is about Blane?” Why did he have to sound so incredulous, as if the mere notion was trivial?
“Yes, Blane.” Cody spanned the distance that separated them and glared down at Julian. “I figured since I shared about Phillip, you’d finally break your silence about the man you almost married.”
Julian still resembled a deer caught in headlights. “Blane?”
If he asked that question one more time, Cody wouldn’t be responsible for what happened next. “Did you almost marry someone else I don’t know about?”
Julian’s dark eyes suddenly resembled scorched earth. “So since I didn’t do what you wanted me to, you’re ready to what? Leave?”
“Maybe.” Cody folded his arms across his chest. “I’ve been trying these last few months—”
“Bullshit!” Julian threw his hands up in the air and started pacing. Evidently Cody wasn’t the only one with a temper. “You checked out on me shortly after you moved in, and we both know it.”
Cody started. Julian had noticed?
“I’ve been the one putting in more effort since day one. I’m the one who convinced you to give us a chance. I’m the one who’s been trying to get you to see this relationship could work, to get you to let down your guard the way you did in Vegas, but something happened to you after we left Austin. You shut yourself off. You became distant, and I’ve been doing my best to hack away at the walls you erected. I didn’t ask why. I didn’t goad you into a fight. I gave you the space you so clearly needed so you could see what we could build in your own time. I wanted to show you that I was willing to jump through whatever hoops I needed to in order to make you feel safe.”
Cody couldn’t argue that point. He had backed up. Since he’d moved in, Julian had made Cody feel things that terrified him, that made him—that weren’t good for him to entertain. He was being careful, smart, but it was difficult to wear his usual armor because no matter how quickly he put it on, Julian’s smile or his touch made whatever protective covering he attempted to fasten slip away.
“I just don’t—”
“You don’t… want to give this a real chance? If that’s the case, then let me know now.”
Cody’s fists fell to his sides. He couldn’t stand the look of anger and utter disappointment that crashed across Julian’s features, especially now that he realized the truth. “I don’t trust you.”
Julian shook his head before he puffed out his chest. “How can you trust me when you trust yourself even less?”
Red flashed across his vision. Julian was pushing all the wrong buttons now. “How can I trust you when what we’ve shared up until this point hasn’t been real?”
Julian grabbed his own hair and pulled. “Are you kidding me? You just met my mom and sister, for Christ’s sake.”
“Yes. That’s been the first real thing between us since we played Truth or Dare. Since then you’ve been so preoccupied with being the ideal husband that you’ve never let me see the flaws in your character. But tonight I caught glimpses of them, and I couldn’t believe it. When I saw how you stood up to your sister, how eager you were to embrace them despite the pain you carried, I saw Julian Canales for the first time, and I thought by sharing who I really was, that we could continue being real. Instead, you went right back to being perfect, saying the right thing, doing the right thing, and focusing on a honeymoon instead of letting me see the you that you keep hidden from the rest of the world. That’s why I can’t do this anymore, Julian. That’s why it’s time for me to go home.”
CODY’S words slammed into Julian’s gut.
He’d vowed to convince Cody they were a good fit. Had he focused too much on how perfect they were for each other? Quite possibly. But it wasn’t because he wasn’t being real. It was just the opposite. He’d focused on how ideal they were for each other for the simple fact that it was the truth.
He felt it ever since Vegas. Otherwise he never would have proposed to Cody on a dare. He never would have put so much on the line for someone he hardly even knew if he hadn’t believed the end result would be worth it.
To have Cody question that, to hear him say he didn’t trust Julian, well, that was more than he could take.
Would anything he did or said ever be good enough for Cody? For the first time, Julian seriously doubted that. For whatever reason, Cody was too scared to let go and believe they could make this work. It made Julian feel like a failure, and that was one thing he didn’t cope well with at all.
His rational side, the one that saw the world in terms of losses and gains, recommended he let Cody go. This battle now seemed as fruitless as his mother’s constant hope that his father might change.
“If you’re not going to say something, let me know.” Cody stood in the middle of the living room. “I’ve got packing to do.”
Julian fixed his gaze on Cody and let him have it. “Oh, I’ve got something to say.” He stormed over to Cody’s side, letting the waves of anger roll off his body in palpable waves of heat. “You want me to be real? Well, here it is. I’ve never been angrier with someone than I am right now at you. For some reason you want to see all the bad, to inspect every single part of my personality or life that could potentially make me untenable for you. That’s why you wanted to meet my family. You didn’t want to find out who I truly was. You did it because you wanted to see if they were too screwed-up for you to want to spend the rest of your life dealing with them. You wanted to see if they had scarred me in ways that might negatively affect you. You want to talk about Blane, who, by the way, has absolutely zero impact on my life or decisions, to see if I might have too much baggage that would upset your apple cart. But here’s the truth. Those things just don’t matter to me. Your past with your mother or Phillip has no bearing on my decision regarding you. They are completely incidental because all of those things, the good and the bad, all created you, the man I married on a whim, the man who I knew after one evening was probably the one person on this planet who would ever be perfect for me.”
Cody’s lips parted, as if an argument had formed on them, but whatever logic he clung to refused to take shape.
Julian gripped Cody’s biceps, not in anger but in desperation. Why couldn’t Cody see this as clearly as he did? “I know you’re terrified of being hurt again the way Phillip hurt you, the way all your stepfathers hurt you, the way your real father hurt you, but take a good hard look at what’s happening here. I’m not the one threatening to leave. I’ve been the one trying to get you to stay.”
Cody shook his head as if the words were too foreign for him to understand. If Julian allowed that to continue, he might never be able to get him back. He balled his fist into Cody’s shirt and yanked him forward and down, crushing his lips against Cody’s, using his tongue and the intense kiss to keep him anchored and prevent him from drifting away.
Cody tensed at first, resting his hands on Julian’s chest and trying to use his stronger body to shove Julian back and away. Julian refused to let that happen. He poured all of his confidence in their marriage into the kiss, focusing that power through his lips until Cody’s fingers clutched at his shirt before clawing at
his skin.
“You really believe that strongly in us?” Cody asked when he found the strength to tear his lips from Julian’s.
“From the moment I said ‘I do.’”
Cody wrapped his big, strong arms around him, pressing their bodies together while simultaneously pouncing upon his lips. He grappled at Julian’s flesh, massaging a scorching path down his back to his ass. When Cody took Julian’s muscled flesh in his palms, the groan that escaped his throat told Julian their PG-13 relationship had finally come to an end.
This was what Julian had been waiting for. This was the man who had taken him on their wedding night, had thrown caution to the wind and claimed Julian as his. This was the blood-burning, skin-scorching demand that had consumed the both of them in a raging fire they had been unable to douse with one drink, one evening, or one kiss. This was the man he had married.
Julian broke the kiss. He wrapped his arms around Cody’s neck, tracing his tongue along Cody’s red, swollen lips. “Truth or dare? And I want you to pick truth.”
Cody rested the full weight of his body against Julian and laughed. “Really?”
He clucked like a chicken in response.
“I regret teaching you that game.”
Julian lightly knocked his forehead into Cody’s chest. “Answer the question.”
“Truth.”
He locked on to Cody’s shot pupils. “Do you really want this?”
“I really, really do.”
Julian couldn’t stop the smile that grew wide across his face. “Then prove it.”
“Is that a dare?”
“For that, never a dare. Only a request.”
Cody delivered his answer with one deep, long, soul-shattering kiss.
A LOW, throaty groan escaped Cody’s throat as Julian kissed a scorching trail up and down Cody’s neck. Julian lapped at his flesh, teasing the sensitive skin under his ear before gently taking his lobe between his teeth.
Cody couldn’t believe this was finally happening. His body had longed for Julian for months. It craved his touch, his kisses, his scent, but Julian had been right. He’d been too afraid because they were perfect for each other. He’d realized that after the first night, which was why he had been disappointed when Julian’s initial response to their sudden marriage had been to get a divorce.
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