by Ella Parks
I wanted him to know how much I loved him. I thought we would be married. I thought he would take me with him when he left. I tried to keep those thoughts as he moved from me, turning away and getting up fast pulling his clothes up, leaving me feeling exposed in the night air. I reached for the clothes he had pulled from me and tossed away, hoping he would reach for me again, hoping he would say something to make the emptiness inside me fade. He sat down, farther away from me as I felt he needed to be as he pulled a pack of cigarettes from his shirt pocket, lighting it. I smelled the scent of sulfur from the match while I tried to read his expression in the flickering light. He was looking out into the darkness of the night, his eyes as cold as I felt inside. I was silent as I pulled my dress back on, my mouth dry and my face wet with hot tears. I was sore and aching down low, but that ache was not hurting as bad as the ache in my heart. I moved to him, putting my arms around his shoulders.
“Get back, let me smoke this cigarette.” His voice had changed now, it was sharp.
“I just wanted to hold you for a while.”
“I need a little space. I don’t want you under me all the time.”
I felt the tears welling up again, but I wiped them away, not wanting to make him mad at me, wanting to please him, wanting him to love me. I felt a deep loneliness inside me, but I wanted to give him what he needed. I thought maybe I had disappointed him. I worried I wasn’t pretty enough or good enough for him, so I stayed silent as he smoked. When he finished smoking, he stood up.
“I have to be up early for work in the morning. I have to get to bed. You go on home. I’ll see you sometime tomorrow.”
“Is everything alright?” Do you still love me?
“Yeah, yeah, now get on home. I will see you sometime tomorrow.”
Our nights set a pattern of me slipping away to meet him each night, while spending my days dreaming about how our lives would be together. I dreamed he would be kind, treating me better when we could be together all the time. He didn’t hold me much anymore or talk to me as he did for a while. He only pushed me back on the ground for a few minutes, while I told myself he was just concerned we would get caught.
I knew the work in fields next door was almost done and I was filled with happiness at the thought of leaving with him. One day I walked to the field and saw there was no one working there anymore, I watched all day as I worked for him to get word to me about when we were leaving. The day past as many others did without any word. I still couldn’t believe he was not coming back for me. The only way I could get through the days was by telling myself he had a good reason for leaving without telling me and he would soon be back for me. I told myself over and over he would come back for me while the sorrow grew heavy as a rock in my heart.
Then I started getting sick in the mornings and my stomach started swelling. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to find him, and I was too scared to even tell Mama, so I started wearing looser clothes, fear and despair closing in on me, heavier each passing day. Just as I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did. Ralph came home, quietly in the night with plans of his own. I had finally fallen into a fitful sleep when I felt his weight on the side of my bed. I tried to roll away, but the bed was pushed against the wall, I changed direction and tried to get away at the foot of the bed, his arm reached out and he caught me. His breath was strong with the scent of whiskey and his hands on were like vices holding me down. He pulled me backwards by my hair, slapping me hard across the face causing me to lose my balance and the blow made me dizzy. I cried out for Mama, I don’t know if she heard me or not, all I know is she didn’t come to help me. He hit me across the face several more times before he forced me on my back as he pulled at my gown. As he pushed me down, I felt more than saw that his pants were open. I tried to claw at him, at his face and even his eyes, it was useless, and I realized it as he forced my legs open. I was crying and begging him to stop. My nose was bleeding, but I couldn’t wipe the blood away because he had both my arms forced about my head, holding them with one of his hands while the other pulled my-under pants away. He was so close to me when he raised my gown up high enough to see my stomach. He stopped and started cursing me. He called me names that I had never heard before and he started slapping me again. I could hear the blows above all his screaming. Mama finally opened the door and asked him what he was doing. He didn’t answer her except to scream what a whore I was. He rolled away from me and I got up as he stood there pointing his finger at me screaming curses while Mama just stood in the doorway white faced and silent. I grabbed the clothes I had put close to the bed and ran past Mama out of the house and into the night. I walked all night when morning came, I saw this place in the distance. I remembered hearing that you were going to open a hospital but there was no one around and I fell asleep on the little porch around back and I have been here ever since.” She stopped talking then as if the words had emptied her. She took a deep breath and looked at me with brown doe eyes that were wide and wet and full of pain.
“You are safe now. I promise you that I will do everything I can to protect you.” Now my face was as wet as hers. I reached for her again and felt her slight body relax against mine as I held her. Doc must have heard everything she said because he opened the door with eyes as weepy as mine. He stood there for a while as I embraced her. As she pulled away from me, he said in a broken voice.
“Let’s see what we need to do to make you feel better.” His hands were as gentle as if he was tending a child as he reached out to examine her. I knew I would care for her as if she was my own and I insisted she stay with me for a few days. She made it clear she didn’t want charity and she would be thankful to just have the cover of the porch to sleep under, but I wouldn’t hear of it and she finally gave in. I knew that I could count on Billy to make her welcome even though our house was small with only two bedrooms.
It was in that moment that I decided I would approach Billy about us moving in to the house I had hated so much. I was afraid her stepfather would come looking for her and I did not want her to be alone, but I knew her pride would not let her stay with us for long in our small house. I was mentally thinking ahead to her working at the hospital, but I wanted to stay close to her and I knew the best way to do that was if I was near where she worked. As I watched her try to keep the tears away, I knew I would fight not only her stepfather but anyone else that tried to harm her.
She was quiet on the ride home while Belinda kept up a constant chatter and I noticed that Belinda sat close to her, maybe sensing Molly’s pain and trying in the way of children to reach out. Molly ate as if she was starved but she would stop and look at us as if she was embarrassed by her hunger. Billy or I would just push another bowl close to her and tell her to get seconds. She slept in Belinda’s room that night, but her demons pulled at her several times making her cry out in her sleep and waking Belinda. I heard her take a quilt and move to the setting room and I knew she planned to finish out the night on the couch. My heart broke for her pain and I whispered to Billy.”
I want to ask you something and I want to know your honest feelings.”
“I always tell you my honest feelings love.”
“I want to ask how you would feel about us moving into the house by the hospital.” I didn’t refer to it as the house where I had once lived or it being the house Barry had taken me to on that horrible day.
“I am fine with that my love. It really seems to make a lot of sense for us to move. You will be busy with the new doctor’s office and hospital and the boys will be there. You have missed them so much and now you can be closer to them and Belinda will enjoy seeing them.”
“But I am asking how you will feel about it, Billy. Will it be painful for you?”
“No, it is just a house and Lucy you have come into the woman you were always meant to be. You are skilled at helping others and you are a right arm to Doc, and you will be the same to Mark and Markus. It will be
easier for you to be close to everything. I won’t ever try to hold you back my love. I want you to follow whatever path you choose, and I will be there to support you. I am so very proud of you Lucy. I look at you and my heart is so full of love, it feels like it may explore with the force of it and I am so very thankful that you love me too.”
“Oh Billy, I love you so much!”
He cut my words off with his lips holding on to me as if I was something fragile as he spoke again.
“I think we should start moving in very soon. Molly needs something to keep her mind off what has happened, and she will need her own room.”
“When do you think we should try to move?” I asked.
“We will start tomorrow and maybe we will have most things settled in when the boys get home in a few days. I’ll get some of the workers to help us.’
“Alright we will move tomorrow then, and Billy I want to thank you for being the man you are. I love you so much.”
He pulled me toward him as we lay close to each other listening to the pain the dreams were causing Molly. I wondered if I should go to her, but Billy said to let her sleep, that even in her pain she needed her rest. I fell asleep listening to her thrashing around trying to escape the punishment that had been inflicted on her.
The next day we packed and moved, treating it as if it was just a normal everyday thing for us. I picked the lower bedrooms closer to the kitchen and I put Molly in a bedroom next to Belinda’s room. I only paused for a few minutes as I started putting our things in place before I moved forward thinking about what Billy said about it just being a house. We had the love now and it was time to let the past go and focus on now and our happiness. Molly was overwhelmed when she saw her room, telling me over and over how she didn’t need anything so nice and she would work hard to help pay for her room. I just smiled at her and went about what I was doing. Molly had not realized she was family now.
Doc had conducted interviews without me, and it seemed everyone he hired started their jobs as soon as they were hired. Soon the place seemed alive with people. I had called Doc that morning and told him what we were planning to do, and he said.” I think that is a fine idea Lucy. I think the move will be for the best.”
I approached him when he seemed to have a small break from talking to everyone.
“It seems like everyone is ready to start work.”
“Yes, they do seem eager. I think this town is hungry for the hospital to open and this will provide jobs to so many that are struggling.”
“We have not discussed this, but I was wondering if you might move your office here, so you will be close to us.”
“Lucy you don’t need me here. You will have Mark and Markus. You don’t need three doctors here.”
“Why do you think we won’t need three doctors here? Does it not make sense to you that all of you should be in one location?” That way if one of you is busy then another one can see the patient. Besides Doc I want you close to us. You can have any of the new offices you want, and you can move into the house. There is plenty of room and the way it was divided when we remodeled there is privacy and space for all of us.”
“Lucy you don’t need me moving in here with all of you. I might get in the way.”
“Doc you know you would never be in the way, if you are close you can spend more time working instead of doing all that driving. I always planned on you having an office here, maybe I should have mentioned it, but I took for granted that you knew. You told me that it made a lot of sense for me to be here, and it makes just as much sense for you to be here.”
“Sweet Lucy girl, I love you so much. Which one of the rooms should I move into?” He said with a smile.
“Anyone you like.” I said as I hugged him, smiling with pleasure to be surrounded by so much love.
7
I was sweeping the front porch when I saw the car coming up the long drive. I kept at my task because now the hospital was a hot spot of activity with someone coming and going all the time. Doc was busy putting what he called finishing touches on everything. He had already moved his meager belongings in, and Molly had chosen to take over the kitchen. I suspected she thought the kitchen would keep her away from prying eyes, and Belinda had taken to her and was spending a lot of time following her around.
The car pulled all the way to the porch and when I saw the driver, I knew who he was and what he wanted. My knees and hands started trembling, not from fear but from anger. He staggered as he got out of his car and approached the porch. I held the broom handle in a tight grip as he called out in a loud voice.
“I hear you have my daughter here and I have come to fetch her home. Her Mama wants her back home.”
“What is your name?” I asked him, already knowing the answer.
“Ralph,” he snarled. “I have come to fetch Molly, so send her out.”
“Ralph,” I said, drawing his name out and not bothering with adding a mister for politeness. “That is not going to happen, and I think we both know that.”
“What do you mean that is not going to happen? She is my daughter and I have come to take her home.”
“So, was she your daughter a few nights ago when you climbed into bed with her and tried to take her clothes off?” What was your relationship then, Ralph?” I asked pulling his name out low and long as someone would a say a slur, disgust for him filling my throat.
“You mind your own business and don’t get high and mighty with me. You don’t know who you are talking to.”
“Oh, I know who I am talking to Ralph.” Once again, my voice made his name sound dirty.
“Maybe you don’t know who you are talking to. Maybe you should think about that for a while. Look around here, look over toward the other buildings and you will see that I am not just a woman standing here on the porch alone, there is people all around I can call if I need help. I am not someone you can bully. I will stand here and tell you that you are a small evil person. I won’t even call you. a man, but I will tell you not to ever set foot here again and if you do, I will do everything in my power to destroy you.”
He seemed startled that someone had stood up to him and he took a couple of steps in my direction. I raised the broom handle and said, “Come on and we can see if you bruise as easy as Molly does.” He was a big man and could have hurt me easily before someone could get to us, but I had hatred burning in me, and I did have the broom.
I could tell by his eyes that like most bullies he was a coward, my eyes dared him to come toward me. He didn’t move forward.
“Her Mama wants her home. “
“She is staying with me for a while. Her Mama can come here and visit her, but you can’t come back, ever.”
He gave me another look as if trying to judge how far I would go before he started to turn back to the car, but I had a few more things to say.
“By the way I know there are other girls in the house, and I want to tell you that I will find a way to make sure you don’t hurt either of them. There is plenty of room in the jail and you need to remember that.”
He turned one final time before he started to the car and I called out to him as he got into the car.
“I will have someone keep a watch on your wife and the other children. I promise you that you will rot in jail if you hurt either of them.”
He started the car and left with the engine roaring as he went back down the long drive, and I turned to see Doc and Molly both watching me. Molly was standing just behind Doc as though she needed him to be between Ralph and her. Her eyes were wide with terror. I had not known they were standing there or how much they heard. I was still trembling, not from fear, it was the burning of injustice inside me and I realized that I would have gladly used the broom handle or anything else I could have gotten my hands on to beat the meanness from him and I said that to Doc. He just said,” Some meanness is so deep that it cannot be fixed, sometimes
we just have to pray God keeps us from people like that.” Sadly, I knew he was right.
“Doc I need you to get two of the strongest workers we have to go tomorrow and check on Molly’s Mother and the other children. Have them take a large basket filled with food and I’ll put a note in the basket letting her know to get word to me if she needs anything. Tell her I will be sending her a basket of food each week, and she can depend on receiving it as long as the children are safe. If Ralph is there, make sure he hears what you tell her, let her know that if the food is not enough to get word to me. Have them tell her that she can come to me if she needs anything. If Ralph stays calm, tell the men to just deliver the food and the message, but Ralph might be feeling a little clumsy and if acts up he could possibly trip a bit and get a few minor bruises, nothing major mind you. They will understand what I mean, won’t they Doc?”
“Yeah, I believe they will. You want them to leave him alone unless he acts up but if he acts up you want them to beat the shit out of him. Is that right?” “
“That is pretty close Doc, pretty close.”
“You know I have been thinking that we might need to have a couple of small houses built around the back of the hospital in case some of the workers need to live close to work.”
He knew I was thinking of some place to put Molly’s family in case they needed a safe place.
“Lucy my sweet, you know you can’t save everyone.”
“Maybe not Doc but maybe I can save a few.”