by Ella Parks
“Alright, consider it done.” He said as he walked back toward the hospital and Molly followed him, I noticed she was crying again. I made my way back inside the house on trembling legs that seemed as if they would fail me and I closed the door with fumbling hands that I could not still. I made my way to the first chair I found as the tears flooded my face and I gave myself up to the pain of remembering. Seeing Ralph demanding Molly had triggered the memories of my fear of Barry. I left my tears untended as I tucked my hands on each shoulder and rocked myself back and forth thinking of Molly’s story of how Ralph came for her that night and I remembered the way Barry first took me. I could still taste the fear and the horror of that time. I remembered his strength and the power he had over me. I thought of how power should not give someone control over another person’s life. That is when the thought started creeping in my mind, crawling slow but taking shape all the same. I started wondering if I had done the same thing just now on the porch with Ralph, not on the same level but had I overstepped myself by the threats I had made. True my intentions had been good; but could I have found a better way to help Molly’s family. I admitted to myself how my hatred for Ralph had built from her first telling of the story and how it had mixed with my sorrow turning it even blacker than it was. I needed to talk to Doc, and I got up quickly running outside to find him. He was alone in the front office of the hospital and I knew when I opened the door, he saw the misery on my face. He didn’t ask what was wrong, but just said. “It’s alright Lucy,” as he reached for me.
His shoulders welcomed me while his arms held me close as I sobbed. He held me until my body stopped shaking with sobs and he gently pulled away from me as he handed me his handkerchief to wipe my tears.
“It’s alright now,” he said again over and over to me in a low tender voice. My shaking was not getting any better, but he steadied me as he pulled a chair up for me. His hands strong but gentle as he patted my arms and then took both my trembling hands in his, holding them together and pulling them close to his chest. I noticed now that he was crying too, not like my mournful sobs, but silent steady tears flooding his dear face.
“Oh Doc, “was all I could say as I reached to pull him close to me again. The depth of my love for this man filled me, as it did each time I looked at him, and I pulled my hands that he was still holding up to my face and kissed his fingers over and over.
“I love you Doc. How you comfort me. You always have.” I whispered to him.
“I love you too sweet Lucy.”
“I think I was wrong Doc. Have the men already gone to take to food to Molly’s family?”
“Yes, they left a few minutes ago.”
“I shouldn’t have said for them to do anything to him.”
“Well you didn’t exactly tell them that.”
“I came close, you know what I meant. I should not have done that.”
“It just brought all your pain back, but it will be alright now Lucy. I didn’t tell them to do anything even if he started trouble. They are two strong men and I just told them to take the food and tell her you would be sending a basket once a week and for her to send word if she needed anything else. I told them to be watchful of him and to look for any signs of trouble. I mentioned to them to look for scared eyes and bruising. I am a doctor Lucy and I took an oath to do no harm. I can’t send word to harm anyone, but I know those men would not run from a fight if he started it. You don’t have to worry about it anymore. We will take care of Molly and her family the best we can, but you have to realize that if her Mother chooses to let him stay with her, there is nothing we can do about it. There is nothing we can do to protect her sisters unless her Mother chooses to accept our help. It is hard to accept but sadly it is the truth. It’s strange that some Mothers will fight to the death to protect their young and some will allow terrible things to happen to their children while they turn a blind eye to all of it. Maybe Molly’s Mother fear of her children going hungry is what brought all this about or maybe it is something else, but we will soon find what the answer is to that. After enough time passes that she knows she can depend on the food, we will see how she sees to her girls. Lucy there is something else you need to think about, you have turned into somewhat of a hero to this town. You have been going out with me treating patients and your kindness has touched them and they talk about your kindness. Barry was feared but you built this hospital and it seems you are loved by the town people even more than he was feared. I am just saying that I don’t believe that Ralph will find much public support and that alone in a town this small can drive someone to rethink their actions.”
My emotions had settled down by the time Billy got home that afternoon, but I could tell by the way he watched me that he knew I was upset about something. We could always read each other, but he waited until we were in bed to question me. I put my head on his strong shoulder and confessed the depth of my hatred for Ralph and what I had asked Doc to do. He pulled me closer and only moved me away slightly to wipe the tears from my face. My shoulders quivered with pain of thinking about the suffering of both Molly and me.
His voice was soft as he whispered over and over.
“It’s alright now Lucy. You are safe, and we are together. It is alright now my love.”
“We have to take care of Molly. She does not have anyone else.”
“Yes, my love. We will take good care of her too.”
I fell asleep while he held me close and stroked my hair.
8
I had most of the house ready by the day the boys were supposed to arrive, and I waited eagerly walking to the windows and looking out, not being able to control my excitement. Billy and Doc had taken off work that day, Mama and Papa had come over to welcome them home. Belinda was beside herself, she had left Molly to watch for them on the porch. It seemed like ages until I saw the car coming up the drive and as they got close enough to know it was them. I flew out like a flash to meet my boys. As the car doors opened, I flew into the arms of the first one out of the car and in a few seconds, I felt my other son joining our hug. I was crying as I held on as tight as I could, but it was tears of joy, we all laughed as we all started talking at the same time. Belinda was at our knees begging for her hug, so arms dropped down to her as everyone gathered round them hugging and questioning them about their trip. As I stood back looking at them, I realized they were not boys anymore, but had come home to me as men. They were still mirror images of each other with Mama’s black hair and deep blue eyes, but now their shoulders were broad and wide. Very few people could ever tell them apart, but Doc and I had always been able to, even without looking at the mole on Mark’s right ear lobe. There was something in the way they carried themselves that I saw in a different way and they could never fool me like they could Barry, even though they were identical there was a slight difference to them. After some of the greetings settled down Mark said, “Mama you look like a girl again. You have a glow to you that I have never seen in you before.” He looked toward Billy and said, “We are both so happy that you two are together. Happiness looks good on you Mama.”
They hugged Billy and then turned to Doc, pulling him close in a long embrace. I don’t know why I looked toward Papa, but I caught a shadow of pain sliding across his face as he watched his grandsons hugging the man that had always been there for them and had spent more time with them in a month than Papa had all their lives. I pulled my eyes away not wanting him to notice me watching his face. I had forgiven my Papa and Mama for what they did to me and Mama and I had found peace together, but Papa had never seemed the same. We didn’t have the level of comfort together as Mama and I had. It was as if he didn’t want us to get close again and I had noticed that there seemed to be a distance between him and Mama too. I remembered how easy they seemed to be with each other when I was young, now all the affection seemed to be replaced with politeness. I often wondered if seeing me pulled away that afternoon had killed something in th
eir marriage in the same way it had killed something in me. As I got older, I realized that Mama didn’t have much of a say in the decision. Papa’s word was the law and she may have had more to say than some wives because of the way he loved her, but his choice was the final word for everyone. I raised my eyes to his face again and noticed he was looking in another direction and I couldn’t see his eyes. I couldn’t stop myself from wondering once again if he could not have made some other choice. He kept his farm and still lived there but his crops never seemed to prosper, and his family had drifted away as if hiding from a dirty secret. We still gathered sometimes to eat or to celebrate birthdays and holidays, but it was never the easy comfort we used to have. The only time we had been together that I didn’t notice it was at Billy and my wedding and I was so blinded by joy that I didn’t notice anything except happiness. The boys finally made their way to Mama and Papa and gave her a gentle hug and Mark started to reach his hand to Papa to shake it before he seemed to think better of it and hugged him. Markus followed him, but the emotion was lacking. The talking and excitement of having them home covered the moment as we all made our way into the house.
I had not called to tell them that Billy and I were moving in to the house and they seemed surprised when we got inside.
“We didn’t know you had moved back in Mama,”
“We didn’t plan on moving but there is so much going on here that it was easier than going back and forth all the time. I had it remodeled to make it easy for several of us to have our own area with a private entrance. We are in the front rooms, but we can change if you two would prefer them. There is still space in the back section and all of the upstairs.”
“No Mama we don’t want you and Billy to change rooms. I guess I was a little surprised at you being back.”
“It surprised me too at first, but it seemed the best thing to do at the time, maybe since we are all sharing the same house, we will get to spend more time together.”
“That sounds great!’ They both said almost at the same time.
I called Belinda and asked her to go find Molly. I wanted to introduce her to the boys and Belinda came back holding Molly by the hand. The two of them had quickly formed a bond together.
“Molly I want to introduce you to my boys this one is Mark.” I said pulling Mark forward and, “This one is Markus.” I said reaching for the other one.
“This is Molly and she is living in the rooms next to Belinda.”
She shyly said “Hello, pleased to meet you,” before she dropped her eyes away from them.
“Hi Molly, it is so nice to meet you.” They said, not asking anything about whom she was or why she was living with us. They had always been polite, and I knew they would save all their questions until later. It wasn’t long before Molly quietly disappeared back in the kitchen.
Doc couldn’t wait to show them around the new offices and hospital rooms as they followed him smiling at Doc’s pride in everything. We were in a sea of gasps and pleasure as Doc conducted the tour and I couldn’t tell what was giving them the most pleasure, seeing the new hospital and equipment or watching Doc show it off to them. Everyone stayed to eat, and Molly had out done herself on the food, but I watched as she disappeared again and again into the kitchen, using one excuse after another to stay away from the table.
9
The house I once hated was alive now with the sounds of home as we all settled into a comfortable and easy of sharing the house together. We all tried to come together for the evening meal, setting around the big table holding hands as one of the men thanked God for our food. We took turns telling how our day had been and I studied each of them as they spoke, treasuring each of them and silently thanking God over and over for blessing me as he had. After the meal was finished, we all carried our dishes to the kitchen and each of us made several trips to clear the table. Molly had finished before all of us and had already started washing the dishes.
“Here Molly let me do that tonight.” I said.
“Oh no, ma’am you do so much for me just letting me stay here and I am determined to earn my keep.”
“Molly there is no keep for you to earn. I keep telling you that you are a part of our family and you work so hard. Seems you take on more and more each day. The meal was wonderful, as all your meals are, but you set down and let me take care of the dishes.”
“Oh no ma’am please let me do them. I like staying busy.” She said as she reached for more dishes. Once again, I read the grief, heavy in her eyes and on her face. Her swollen body seemed to slump forward as if she could use her shoulders to cover her protruding stomach. I gently pulled her red chapped hands from the water that was hotter than it needed to be to clean the dishes.
“Molly, aren’t we doing you right here? Is there anything we can do that will make you realize how welcome you are and how much we care for you? You don’t have to do all this work. I would so much rather you wouldn’t but each time I mention it you tell me the same thing about how you want to stay busy. Tell me Molly how we can help to get all that pain out of your eyes.”
She lowered her head and I saw her shoulders heave with sobs. I pulled her toward me, whispering words that could not heal her, but wanting her to know she was not alone. Her voice trembled with the sobs as she stated talking, fast, so fast that for a few seconds I couldn’t understand what she was saying. I didn’t tell her I couldn’t understand. I just held on. I finally led her to a chair and held a clean dish cloth to her face to catch the tears.
“I have to give this baby up.” She whispered.
“What do you mean? Why do you say you have to give the baby up? Do you want to give the baby up?”
“No, oh Lord no I don’t want to give it up. I know I shouldn’t want to keep it. I will never be able to give it a decent life. Why I wouldn’t even be able to eat myself if it wasn’t for you.”
I opened my mouth to tell her once again that she shouldn’t be thinking that way, but I closed it again, realizing she had more to say.
“I didn’t want it and I cried every day begging God to let me wake up one morning and the baby be gone. Not dead, just gone as if it never happened. I prayed that for so long and I fought against caring if it kicked or moved around. After I ran away from home I doubled up on my praying. I was hungry myself and I begged to God over and over to free me from the baby growing inside me. Oh Lord how I prayed. Then I came here and there is food and I have a safe place to sleep and everyone is so kind to me. Sometime in these last few nights when I have not had to worry about falling asleep, I have started looking forward to feeling the life moving around in me. I started wondering what it will look like and what kind of life it will have. Somehow in all that I began to love this child. This child that will come into the world all innocent and helpless and I can’t take care of it. I will have to give it away to someone else and I know now that I will grieve for this baby the rest of my life.”
“You don’t have to give your baby away, not unless that is what you want to do. You and the baby can stay here. You can stay where you are and keep your baby. The both of you will be loved.”
Her eyes got wide as she looked deep into my eyes and said. “Why would you keep letting me stay here? I know you don’t want to turn me out now but why would you keep letting me stay after the baby is born?”
“Why wouldn’t I want you to stay?” I asked her. Her look was intense as if she was trying to look into the soul of me.
“Do you know my story?” I asked her.
“I have heard some talk. I guess I know some of your story.”
“I was young, very young, and so very scared. The pain was constant, and I lived with it for years. How I needed a friend and Doc was there for me. He saved me more times than I could even tell you. I lived with sorrow each day with no one but my boys and Doc, but you don’t have to do that. You are not alone anymore, so lean on us, let us love you. Let us help you a
nd look out for you and your baby. Stay here where it is safe, love us back if you can and learn happiness once again.”
She broke in sobs again as she said. “Oh, Lucy that is so kind of you and I know you and your family will look out for me, but even with all your help this baby will still be born with a mark that he will never overcome. I am not married, and you know how the people are. Most are good people trying to do right. They are church going people, but they will not accept this child of mine. He will have a dark mark on him always because of what I have done. This child will never have a place in this town. The two of us will always be looked down on. You know it is true Lucy. You know it’s true.’
I realized she was right, but I wasn’t ready to just accept that.
“You are calling your baby a boy, but you know it might be a girl.” I said hoping to turn her thoughts in a direction of kinder things, hoping I could bring some joy into her eyes instead of the reality about the thoughts of others. I could tell she had given many hours of worry as to how her baby would be accepted and sadly, I knew she was right. She was right about the general good of the people, but the talk would go for years and follow her child casting shadows for years.
“No, it is a boy, I know it is and somehow I know it will look like his Daddy. I keep hoping he will come back for us. I hope he will change his mind about leaving me. Sometimes I day dream about him walking through the door to gather me in his arms and tell me it was all a mistake and we will all be together forever. I know it is a dream that will never happen but sometimes that dream keeps me sane.”
Her words touched my heart and melted me as I turned her tearstained face to mine.
“Molly I am going to ask Billy to go into town tomorrow to buy a wedding ring. It is your choice, but no one knows if your baby’s Daddy married you or not. Oh, they might suspect he didn’t, but the two of you are the only ones that know for sure. As far as they know he might just be working hard to earn enough money to send for the two of you. Who is going to say that isn’t true? He is not here to question your story. You can even change his name. You can make him be whatever you need him to be to protect your baby. If you want to keep your baby, I will help you make a way to do it. If you believe you have to give the baby up, then I will take it and raise it as my own and you can stay here and watch it grow or you can move on if you feel you need to, but it will be here, protected and loved. It’s your choice Molly and I won’t even try to influence you one way or the other. Think about it, Molly and when you decide what you want to do. I will do everything I can to help you.”