by Ella Parks
I would almost have myself talked into letting it go until I saw him again the next day when I would fall back where I started, adoring him. I would watch the way his silver hair fell on his forehead, the kindness in his eyes. I touched him more than I should, finding excuses to touch his arm or hands, wanting to lean in even more to him. Sometimes it seemed I couldn’t bear to take my eyes off him. I went to sleep thinking about him and woke up with him still on my mind. I told myself it was not meant to be, or it would have already happened, but my heart could not catch on to that theory. Although he was the most handsome man I had seen, it went beyond that, it was the substance in him that pulled me. He seemed to be untouchable, unattainable but I wanted him more than any man I had ever seen.
When I finally got his attention, he seemed to feel guilty for noticing me. The first time he walked me home he talked the entire time about how much he had loved his wife and how he grieved for her. He didn’t stop until we got to my door where he stood silent waiting until I opened the door. I took advantage of his silence to stand on tiptoes and kiss him gently on his mouth. I could tell he was taken aback at my boldness. I could see the surprise in his eyes mingled with a slight wonder. Without giving him time to say anything I opened the door giving him another look before going inside fast.
“I’ll see you in the morning,” was all I said not waiting to hear his answer before closing the door.
He walked me home each day after that, still talking about his deep love for his dead wife. Each afternoon I reached for his lips kissing him the same way. It took a couple of weeks before he answered my kiss, pulling me close to him, hungry, as hungry as I was.
I remember leaning in to him, pushing myself close to him before we went into the house where I led him unashamed into my bedroom. I tried to memorize the feel of his skin beneath my fingers. I couldn’t get close enough to him, I couldn’t touch him enough, everything about him felt right to me, way more than right and I knew I would be his forever if he would have me. I had no choice in loving him, the feeling was so deep it had invaded my soul and I would never stop loving him. It was more than physical, when he put his hands on me, it soothed me, making me feel as if I was finally home without me realizing I had felt lost.
“It’s been so long since I have been with a woman.” He whispered as he fumbled removing his clothes. I didn’t answer, letting my lips close over his instead. He trembled when he pressed against me, or maybe it was me trembling, I don’t know, but I felt the tremors as we clung tight together, meshed, tears escaping my eyes with wonder at the way I felt holding him, but it was even later when I felt the full extent of happiness as I lay my head in the hollow of his shoulder, running my hands across his chest, feeling the silk grey hair curling around my fingers and listening to the rhythm of his heart beating. I had to bite my lips to keep from telling him over and over how much I loved him. I had loved before or I thought I had but nothing had prepared me for the force of my feeling for him. I wanted to melt into him merging together, never being apart again.
I started walking to the big house to eat the evening meal with the family I so wanted to be a part of now, because of what the family meant to him. Everyone was kind to me, accepting me setting beside Doc seemingly including me as it became a normal pattern for me to be there. We would eat sharing stories of our day, when we finished the men would continue to set at the table while all the women cleared the table and washed the dishes. Then came the best part of the day, Doc would walk me home, staying the night with me. I never considered there would be some that would want to stand in judgement of me. I never considered that at all.
He touched me gently with love, he looked at me with love in his eyes, but he still talked endless about his lost love. I knew he loved me, but he felt guilty for doing so, as if he was betraying her. I watched his inner struggle with a decision that had been made years ago when she died. He had loved her, he still loved her, but she was gone. He was still trying to honor the commitment that life had taken from him.
He spoke of how he failed her and how helpless he felt. He talked of his grief, struggling with his words, while tears flowed down the face that I loved so much. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life coming in second to a woman that was long dead, but I hoped one day he would feel the same strength of love for me. I held him as he spoke of all her ways and the daughter he had lost as well praying my love for him would pull him back from the dark side of their deaths.
He had carried the pain for so long, I told myself the talking would ease him, emptying him of the pain making room for me and my love for him.
I was against him one night holding him, wanting to say so much, but holding my words when he raised his face close to mine. It was dim in the bedroom and I couldn’t see his eyes, but I felt them penetrating and searching. I held my breath, scared of what he might say when he whispered.
“I have failed you too.”
“What do you mean? How can you say that?”
“You deserve better than me…You deserve the best! You are such a good woman…so good. I have failed you too.”
I pulled him toward me, covering his lips with mine, cutting his words off as I held him, scared of him leaving my bed, knowing I wanted him anyway I could have him.
I knew then his struggle was too hard for him. I knew he would go to her, and he would do what she advised. He loved her that much. When he wasn’t talking about his dead wife, he was talking about her, about how she had been a wisp of a girl, scared, bruised mistreated, how she had survived so much pain while still thinking of others. I believed him and knew he spoke the truth; but watching her it was hard for me to picture her that way. She stood straight, carrying herself proud, not above others but strong, to me she seemed to be the perfect woman and I am so scared of what she might say to the man I love so very much.
As I stand there waiting, I started to wonder what I will do if she tells him she doesn’t think I will be good for him. I know I will stay until all hope is exhausted. I love him that much, but what then, how will I ever be able to leave him?
I see him walking back toward the hospital. His head is down. I can’t read his face. I watch him until he is close before I look for something to do so I will look busy if he comes back into the office. My heart is beating in my ears, while I struggle to keep my weak knees from collapsing under me. I hear him and pretend to look up as he opens the door. He walks toward me, reaching for my trembling hands.
“Jenny, I haven’t been fair to you. You know I love you, you know I love my wife too, but it is time for me to move on. If you can except me always loving her too, then I will promise you I will do everything in my power to make you happy. I promise you my love, my commitment. I will honor you and love you all the days of our lives. I will hold you to me and try to never fail you. As I listened to Lucy, I realized that I never want to be without you, not even for a day. Will you marry me my love?”
My tears turned into sobs as I buried my head in his shoulders.
“Yes, yes, my love,” was all I could say, all I needed to say.
13
Doc and Jenny were married two days later. They wouldn’t let us do anything special for them even though Molly cooked a small feast for all of us. Billy and I picked some flowers to brighten the back yard, leaving a small bunch for Jenny to hold, and for Belinda to carry in a small basket; which she eagerly spread on the floor where she thought they would be walking. Jenny looked radiant while Doc beamed as they stood close together, hands joined. Mark, Markus Molly, Belinda, Billy and I were the only ones present to witness the promise except the preacher. As they stood there, side by side repeating their promise to love each other forever, Billy and I joined hands also while I cried, tears of such joy to be surrounded by all the love. We had all come so far away from the pain. They moved into one of the small houses in the back of the clinic and I rejoiced in the addition to our family.
Our li
ves were good, my dreams come true, as I rejoiced to be surrounded by those I loved. We were all up early in the morning, each of us going about our work but as the day and we ate our evening meal we all seemed to gravitate to the front porch where we would all set together discussing our day. The breeze cooled us bringing the sweet smell of honeysuckle to us as we talked.
“How is the cotton crop doing?” Doc asked Billy.
“Not too good. I am glad I rotated the crops this year. The boll weevils are not as bad as I feared they would be. They have hit Sam Jenkins farm hard. He told me it had wiped out almost all of his crop, said he had more bolls on the ground than he had left on the stalks. We burned the field last fall after we picked the cotton and I think that may have helped some. I tried to talk him into burning his fields too, but he didn’t think it was help any, maybe it didn’t but his cotton was hit hard again. I didn’t plant as much this time though. I put in more corn and peanuts.”
“How many do you have working for you now?”
“Maybe twenty, sometimes more for the plowing and the harvest. Sometimes they don’t stay long, and some have been with me for years.”
“Is there enough to do to keep twenty men working?”
“Yes, more than enough work. This time of the year it keeps the men and most of their families busy with gathering. Come fall we clean out the barns and chicken houses for the manure to spread on the ground to rot before planting in the spring. Then there is keeping the land clean with cutting and burning brush. It’s always something Doc.”
“I knew I never wanted to farm, now listening to you it brings back all the reasons I didn’t want to.” Doc said with a smile.
“It’s all I have ever known Doc, but I have to admit it is harder trying to keep up my farm and this one too.”
“I don’t know what we would do without all the food you raise here. I can’t even begin to think of what it would cost to provide meals here at the hospital if we had to buy it.”
“That was Lucy’s idea and it has worked out. She keeps asking me if I shouldn’t rent out some of the land and slow down some.”
“She is a smart lady, maybe you should listen.” Doc said as he chuckled looking at me, then Jenny, smiling as she reached close to him patting his hands.
“Maybe next spring I will, but for now I can still handle it, besides asking me to slow down is like the kettle calling the pot black. She works from sunup to sundown.”
“You two do remember I am still setting here.”
“I remember baby.” Billy said, smiling as he winked at me, still melting me after all this time.
“I think it is getting to be Belinda’s bedtime.” I said.
“I think it is too. Come to me my beautiful princess, let’s get you settled and ready for bed.” He said as he swept her in his arms to carry her in. She didn’t beg for more time but wrapped her sweet arms around his neck as he carried her inside. Doc stood up too, following them inside, saying. “I didn’t get my goodnight kiss from my princess. I’ll be right back.”
Molly, Jenny and I were gathering the glasses together to carry back to the kitchen, but Jenny stopped as soon as Doc went inside. She took hold of both Molly and my arms, pulling us toward her, face glowing.
“I shouldn’t be telling you this before I tell Doc, but I am going to anyway. I think I am pregnant. I am not one hundred per cent sure, but I think I am. My time of the month is late, and I have been sick in the mornings, sometimes sick all day, and I can’t seem to get enough sleep. Every time I set down, I fall asleep in my chair!”
“Jenny that is wonderful news, just wonderful!” Molly and I exclaimed almost at the same time.
“Why haven’t you told Doc?”
“I wanted to make sure before I said anything to him, but I believe I am. I just know it. I can feel in my heart that I am. Lucy what do you think Doc will say? Do you think he will be happy about it?”
“Of course, he will be happy. How could you think he wouldn’t be happy?”
“Because of Joy, the little girl he lost. It took him so long to move forward, I am concerned he might not want another child, that he might say he is too old to try to raise another one. I love him so much, and I am so happy about us having a baby. I just hope he will be too.”
“Awe Jenny, Doc has changed since the two of you got together. He will always love his first wife and baby, but they are gone, and you are his life now. He will be so happy, you wait and see, but you are right, he may say he is too old, but he says that all the time.”
“Too old for what?” Doc said as he came back outside.
“Just what am I too old for?” He said smiling as he walked toward us taking her hand.
“Here you go telling everyone else before you tell me. I caught you though. Didn’t you think I already knew? I love you, I sleep with you, I hear you being sick in the mornings. You do remember I am a doctor, don’t you? I am happy, couldn’t be happier, even though, yes, I guess I am too old, but I am ready to try anyway. You have made my life rich again, you have made me so very happy and I love you so much, now let’s go home little Mama, so I can start spoiling you rotten.” He told her as he pulled her closer while Molly and beamed with joy.
“I am sorry, I just wanted to tell them too. I guess I should have waited until I told you.” She said but he broke in saying.
“I am teasing you love. I am thankful we are all as close as we are. It is a blessing for all of us to be together, one big family, besides I already knew.”
“Night all.” He said smiling, holding her hand as they walked home.
“I am so happy for them.” Molly said.
“Me too, they are so good together. Rest good tonight Molly.”
“You too.” She seemed to have a wistful look as she closes the screen door.
Billy had already got Belinda in bed and was coming out of the bathroom while I stood there beaming eager to tell him the news.
“Jenny is pregnant!” I said running to him. He pulled me close as he said.
“I know.”
“How do you know? She just told us.”
“Doc told me last week.” He said with a grin.
“Last week, why didn’t you tell me?”
“He didn’t say she was for sure. He just said he was keeping a close eye on her. I helped him move some of her heavier flower pots, he didn’t want her to lift anything. He was strutting like a tiger, proud as could be. You women can’t pull anything on us.”
“Really now are you really sure of that?” I teased. “Did he say anything about him being too old for a new baby?”
“He did mention his age, but not in the way you are thinking.”
It took me a moment to follow what he was implying as I watched his smile spread even bigger.
“Billy! You men are awful, you all should be ashamed of yourselves.”
“Ashamed no, I don’t think so. I don’t think you want me any other way. Now do you?” He whispered as he began kissing my neck, small kisses that left me breathless, clinging to him.
“No, I wouldn’t change you, I wouldn’t dare mess with perfection. I need to take my bath, but I will hurry.” I told him as I reluctantly stepped back from him. He got the last word as he gently patted my bottom.
“Please do hurry. I will be waiting.”
I did hurry, using the scented soap he said he loved smelling on me. I was stepping from the tub when he opened the door, standing there looking at me.
“You are so very beautiful1” He whispered.
“No Billy I am not beautiful, look at this stomach I am getting. Do you remember when you could almost put your hands around my waist? Look now I can pinch the fat, and I am getting some grey in my hair, here at the temples.”
He stepped toward me, pulling the towel away, reaching for my hair first.
“How I love your hair. I
love pulling it toward me, twisting it in my hands. I love the color, and I love the few strands of silver in it. It is even more beautiful than it used to be, and I didn’t think that was even possible. I love the way it smells. I could get lost in that scent forever more. If I could figure out a way to bottle the way you smell to sell it, we would be rich forever.”
“The soap.” I started to say, but he cut my words off.
“No, it is not the soap. I like the way the soap smells, but your scent is what I like. Did you know I wake up sometimes and reach out putting my face close to you inhaling the way you smell? And this little thing you call fat, this tiny tummy grew babies. I love every inch of it. I love every inch of you. You are perfect, but you wouldn’t have to be, and you don’t have to be. You are the woman I love, and I love you with all my heart. You are so far beyond perfect. I still look at you with wonder that you love me too, but what I am trying to say is I will always love you even if you were not perfect. I am rambling, but here you are close to me naked. That makes me tongue tied after all this time, makes me ramble.”
“Keep rambling my love. I like it.” I told him as he picked me up carrying me to our bed.
14
It wasn’t long before fate brought another woman into our lives, one that would pull and pit one brother against each other like a snake in our Eden.
Mark and Markus decided they needed to hire an extra nurse to keep up with the work load. She was late for the interview, but she offered no apology when she walked in. She seemed breathless as she stopped in front of one of the desks, smiling at both my boys.
“Hi, my name is Megan. Megan Johnson.”
I watched as their faces changed from business to something else as they smiled back at her. Her presence seemed to take over the small office. She was tall, maybe even as tall as they were, and she held herself up, shoulders back, proud of her height.