by Ella Parks
Her eyes were wide as she said.” I don’t have to think about it anymore. I want the ring and I thank you until the day I die.”
So, the next day our Molly very quietly became a married woman, I did as I promised her I would do and never revealed her secret, even when the secret was difficult to keep.
Three weeks later she delivered a strong healthy baby boy. He came into the world on a clear morning just a few seconds short of four o’ clock. Doc delivered the baby and I assisted but the delivery was easy, and I spent more time holding her hand than helping Doc. As she pulled him to her breast, she touched her face to his cloud of black hair and said. “I will call him Jimmy.” I knew by the impression on her face that was the baby’s Daddy’s name, and I wondered what this man named Jimmy would say if he knew he had a strong and beautiful boy.
10
Against all of our pleas for Molly to rest longer, within two weeks she was back in the kitchen cooking our meals. We all wanted her to take all the time she needed to rest while hating to admit how bad we missed her cooking. I had been trying to keep up with the meals while attempting to keep up with everything else I was trying to do, but my meals could not come close to hers. She was wearing the small gold band on her left hand, and no one mentioned it, but she held her head higher now and I noticed her shoulders were straight once again.
We all found our routine again, the only change being we each looked out for little Jimmy, all of us reaching for him whenever we were near him. Belinda seemed to feel he was her own private doll to watch over. She would spend hours beside his crib, talking and cooing to him.
Mark and Markus were building a strong patient base, with patients coming from surrounding towns to see them. Doc saw his patients and still did house calls weekly. I was taking care of the payroll for all the employees plus the paperwork for the hospital and the clinic and found I didn’t have the time to go with him as I once did. The payroll seemed to take the most time, requiring me to go into town to the bank once a week as most of the workers wanted cash weekly instead of a check. It made me start to wonder about keeping more cash in the safe I had installed in the house. When I had ordered it, I had thought it might be useful for some of the hospital supplies. Billy had always driven me into town because I had never learned to drive. I loved the time with him, but I knew sometimes he suspended his work to drive me. He had taken on the supervision of the farm land surrounding the hospital along with trying to keep his farm going. We hired workers to help with the planting and harvest while members of the families helped preserve the food, using the hospital kitchen, either by canning or drying. It was a good system, providing them with a job and food for the hospital. We tried to keep the hospital as self -sufficient as possible. Many times, I regretted my decision to tear down the barn, but we decided to rebuild a larger barn farther away from the house. When it was finished our plan was to have cattle again and build a smokehouse to cure out the meat.
On the ride into town I asked Billy his thoughts about keeping more money at the house.
“I think that is a wonderful idea. You amaze me Lucy! You do so much for so many.”
“It’s just everyone wants cash and it is so hard for you to stop work each week to take me to the bank.”
“You know I don’t mind it. In fact, I enjoy your company.” He said with a smile.
“I enjoy your company too, but we can enjoy each other’s company in different ways.”
“I see,” he said, smiling even broader. “What do you have in mind?”
“Whatever you are thinking, then I am thinking the same way.” I said as I leaned across the seat and gently kissed his ear, breathing softly on his neck.
“I like the way you think sweet baby.” He said as he took one hand off the steering wheel and wrapped it around my pulling me close to him.
Mr. Evers at the bank was not happy with my decision when I told him I wanted to withdraw most of the money in the account.
“Lucy, we don’t have that much cash on hand here at the bank. I will need more notice to get it here.”
“How much notice do you need?”
“Maybe I can get it by next week, but it may take longer than that.”
“Alright, let me withdraw all I can get, and I will come in next week to get the rest.”
“I think that is a bad idea Lucy. You don’t need to have that much cash at your house. Why anything could happen.”
I thought about how Barry had kept money stashed for years while realizing the safe at home was likely safer than the one at the bank. I didn’t tell him that but simply said, “I’ll be in next week to get the remainder of the funds.”
“Lucy, I still think that is a big mistake.”
“I’ll see you next week.” I said as he counted what money he had available to me with a strained expression on his face.
He had the rest of the money the following week, looking even more stressed as he counted it out to me.
I did not share his fears about keeping the money at home and as time passed I would be forever thankful I had followed my instincts.
11
The paperwork still took too much of my time. I discovered I did not like setting for hours doing that type of work. The office seemed to close in on me as I realized I much preferred working with the patients. We decided to hire someone to take over for me. She was the second one we interviewed. Her name was Jenny Nash, she had chestnut hair, carefully pinned back, green eyes surrounded by lashes darker than her hair was. She was slender and graceful, with milk white skin that had not known the sun. It was the type of skin all the ladies wanted. It was only the men and the children that let their skin brown. The women would wear long sleeves and hats to protect against the farmers tan, but somehow even with all the clothing the sun managed to seep through. I watched her green eyes widen as Doc asked her a few questions. It was easy to see she liked what she saw. He didn’t seem to notice her interest. Her answers were all appropriate, and after a few minutes he looked at me seeking my approval without saying anything. I answered him the same way. He hired her and like most of the employees she was ready to start work soon. She was in the office early the next morning, doing with ease all the paperwork I disliked so much. From the beginning it was clear to me she was drawn to Doc. I watched as she did little things for him, like keeping a hot cup of coffee for him and sometimes bringing him a piece of pie or cake. Doc never seemed to notice. He was always polite and courteous toward her but never noticed the way her hand would linger on his sleeve as she handed him his coffee, still she kept prodding forward, never faltering as she did special things for him. I don’t think he would have ever noticed her except she was a part of all his days. She would even come in to work on weekends, claiming one excuse after another. One afternoon he had walked out to look at the progress on the new barn when a sudden rain blew in. He came into the office wet to the skin smiling at the condition his clothes were in. She moved into action the minute she saw him, taking a small blanket she kept in the office and moving swiftly toward him wrapping it around his shoulders.
“You are soaked to the skin. Let me dry you off and I will get you a hot cup of coffee. Set down here.” She was pulling him toward a chair as she spoke.
He looked somewhat startled, but he did as she asked him, moving to the chair she provided for him. She went about her work of drying him, pulling the blanket away from his shoulders and drying his hair. She showed great dedication in trying to dry his hair, her hands lingering on his silver strands. I couldn’t see his eyes, but I watched her hands slide down gently across his face.
“I have to go check on something in the kitchen.” I said. No one answered me. I realized Jenny had finally gotten Doc’s full attention.
Doc was different after that. His face seemed to have a new light in it and his step was lighter. I invited her to stay after work one day to eat with us, she accepted, and it became a usual
thing for her to set beside him. Then he would see her home, sometimes not making it back home himself. I was setting on the porch one afternoon rocking little Jimmy. Belinda was in her small rocker beside me rocking and singing to her baby doll when Doc came to set beside us. I could tell by his face he had a purpose.
“Hi, sweet princess.” He said to Belinda as he reached down kissing her on top of her head.
“Hi,” she answered, breaking her singing just long enough to utter one word before she softly resumed her song. He left her to her song as he pulled a chair close to me.
“Lucy, you know Jenny and I have been spending some time together.”
“Yes, I know.”
“What do you think about it?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well you know me better than anyone. Do you like her? What do you think about her, about us?”
“Well Doc, you know I like Jenny.”
“That’s not what I am asking. How do you feel about the two of us….together?”
I knew what he needed from me, but I also realized he would have to understand and accept what his need was. He hoped I would have some words to ease his mind, and I might, but one thing Doc had taught me was each day brings new changes, and the last few weeks had changed Doc. The changes had fused new life in him, but he had worn his grief so long, it had become a part of him. Now he was in love with two women, one of them dead, one of them very much alive. He waited for me to help him walk away from the love he had lost. I knew he could never really close that door, but there was no reason to live in the past for the rest of his life. I believed Jenny loved him deeply and he felt the same way about her, but clearly his struggle to let go of the past was very real.
“How do you feel about the two of you being together?”
“I think I am in love with her.” His voice dropped low and hesitant.
“You think you are in love with her? Don’t you know whether or not you love her?”
“Yes, I do, but I am not sure it will be enough for her. I think she deserves better.”
“Deserves better? In what way would any woman deserve better than you Doc?”
“I still love Ana. I will never stop loving her. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. You know after several years of soul ripping pain I seemed to heal a little, at least enough so I didn’t break down each day, but there was always the hole she left. I felt empty. I missed telling her about my day and asking about hers. I missed her laughter and her smile. I missed her knowledge of people, and all the things she would say to me. I missed hearing her thoughts if I ever considered doing anything different. It is hard to explain but when I moved my office, I wondered what she would have said about it. I look at the hospital you built wishing she could have seen it. I wish she could have known you, as I watched you all those years, I always felt she would have known how to help you. I was never complete without her, and I grew to accept that I would never feel that way again.”
“Have you told Jenny all this?”
“Yes, I felt she had a right to know. I told her the first time I took her home. It was all I could talk about, the words spilling out of me as I cried. I was surprised she ever let me walk her home again.”
“What did she say?”
“She said it was only right for me to feel that way. She lost her husband two years ago, but it affected her different than it did me. She said being happy and loving him was so good she wanted to find love again. She said we could work it out, nothing else, just we could work it out. She is a good woman, she is kind and honest, but I feel guilty about both of them. I feel guilty for loving her while I am still in love with my Ana and feel guilty for loving still loving Ana while I love Jenny.” His voice was heavy with grief.
“Doc, if you had died leaving Ana alone, would you have wanted her to always be alone, or would you hope she would find someone to cherish and be good to her?”
“I knew you were going to ask me that. I have asked myself the same thing over and over these last few weeks. It is hard for me to even think about Ana being with another man. We were so connected to each other, but no, I wouldn’t want her to always be alone. I would have wanted her to find someone good and kind to be there for her, to hold her and protect her. I think it is easier to say it out loud to you, when I do, I realize it is the truth. I would not have wanted her to be alone.”
He rubbed the moisture from those kind and beautiful eyes before he went on.
“I worry too that in loving Ana the way I do I won’t be able to be what Jenny needs. She deserves someone to totally commit to her. What if I can’t do that? What if I fail her too?”
“Why did you say too, do you feel as if you failed Ana?”
“Yes, I do. I always felt it may have been different if I had been with her instead of working, maybe she would not have caught the fever, or maybe I could have done something different, anything different. I loved them so much; and felt so helpless watching them die.”
Belinda had seen our tears and went first to Doc, hugging him and stretching out her arm to touch me, holding the both of us trying to comfort although she didn’t understand the reason we were crying.
Doc wiped his eyes again as he held her against his chest. She took her free hand, patting him.
“Don’t cry Doc, don’t cry Mama.”
“It’s alright sweetie. Doc was just telling a sad story that made us cry, but there is nothing wrong. Go in the house and ask Molly if you can have a sugar cookie.”
She looked at us both hesitate as if trying to make sure we were alright.
“We are alright hon, now go inside to get a cookie.”
She kissed both of us before she went into the house.
“She has the heart of a healer.” Doc said as he watched her close the screen door behind her.
“Yes, she is a special child, very special.”
“I shouldn’t have started this conversation with her out here. I didn’t think it out very well. I just saw you out here and I needed to talk to you.”
“Doc, she has seen tears before, she will be fine. Now let’s talk about what you just said. You know you did everything you possibly could for your wife and daughter. How many times have you explained to me that we can’t control some of the awful things that happen in life? I feel your sorrow and realize your pain, but you have no reason to feel guilty. You need to let go of any guilt. Ana wouldn’t want you feeling that way.”
“She was such a wonderful woman! Something about Jenny reminds me of her.”
“Do they look alike?” I asked.
“No, it is not their appearance. It is the kindness of their souls; their caring natures.”
“So; you are saying Jenny has the same qualities you valued in Ana?”
“Yes, she does.”
“And you love her.”
“Yes, I do love her.”
“I guess you know what you need to do then. It looks like you have been given a second chance at happiness, and it seems to me as if you would be foolish not to take it.”
“Do you really think so?”
“I really do. You don’t need permission to be happy but since you have asked, then yes I really do think so.”
“Have I told you today what you mean to me, my Lucy girl?”
“You haven’t, not today, but I always know how you feel. It is in our hearts and I always know.”
12
Jenny
I stood quietly beside the window, peeking out while keeping my body out of sight as I watched him walk toward the porch where she was setting. I had known for days what he was going to do. I knew even before he made the decision to talk to her. I had seen his inner struggle; and watched his dear face strain with the choice he was making. He walked slow, favoring his back that seemed to hurt him all the time as he walked toward the woman he lov
ed so very much. He was committed to her, as she was to him. Their attachment went to their souls, and I was scared of what she might tell him. Oh, I liked her; I liked her a lot, I felt she liked me. She had opened her home for me, welcoming me to eat with them each night, me setting beside Doc as all her family came together. She had also been kind to me at work. She was a kind woman with soft eyes and a kind heart, but her insides were steel. She was steel layered in velvet. The velvet is the first thing anyone sees, but there is so much more to her. I watch him as he steps up on the porch, and I try to tell myself it will be alright. She is a fair woman. I do believe that, but what if she truly feels it is not the best for him? If she feels that way, I know she will tell him, she is too honest not to. I am scared, butterflies floating from my stomach up to my throat, my hands are shaking as I watch them talking. How I love him! I think I did from the first time I saw him. I remember that gentle face, with his easy even shy smile. I was used to men pursuing me, I was used to saying no to most of them. I found I had no interest in any of them choosing not to waste my time as well as theirs, that is until I saw Doc. There was something about him that appealed to me. He is a handsome man, but it was more than his looks that drew me. His eyes are filled with the character of his soul and I was drawn to him in a way I had never felt before. He didn’t seem to notice me, making me tell myself over and over to let it go, he wasn’t interested in me. I told myself he didn’t want me, but other men did and someday I would find the right one for me.