When Mercy Ends

by Ella Parks

  “I don’t know. This is a serious thing here. We will have to see, but right now I have a few more questions. She is dead, and killed her baby to be with you, so there will be more questions.”

  “Sheriff, I swear to you I didn’t know anything about the shooting. I didn’t even know she planned to do all this. I haven’t done anything lots of men have done. I am not the only one coming here at night.”

  “I know that, and I will be talking to them too.”

  “If you are though with me sheriff I will be at the house.” I said not trusting myself to keep listening to Sam’s selfish excuses. I kept thinking of the small defenseless baby that never had a chance.

  “Yes, you can go Lucy. I think we know what happened now. I’ll stop by there if I have any more questions for you.” I noticed his manner was kinder to me than it had been the last time we talked.

  My tears had turned to sobs before I got into the house, racking my body while I shook with grief.

  When the sheriff was satisfied with all his questions, he went to her family notifying them of her death. I don’t know if he mentioned there was also another small body or if in their grief, they forgot to claim it, but they didn’t take the baby girl. I believe Doc mentioned it to the sheriff, and he said we could bury it. I was glad because I did not want to put the innocent baby beside the woman that seemed to hate it so much, she had cruelly ripped the life from her.

  31

  Howard built her a small box, sanding it down, making it as pretty as he could, and he cut a cross, simple but beautiful, and I knew I would never see it without feeling grief for the child I had held close to me for a few minutes.

  We decided to bury her under a beautiful sprawling oak that stood away from the hospital. It was cold and there were no flowers to bring to the grave, but we stood there each of us silent as the words were said. Molly pushed Mark’s wheelchair over the rough ground, standing beside him silent but reaching to touch him often. Markus stood on the other side with his head bowed down. Jenny kept her hands across her swollen stomach as if to cradle the baby growing there. Belinda, Ruby and Faye held little Jimmy’s hands, neither of them understanding. Billy held my hands while Doc said the words over the tiny box while we stood in the cold saying goodbye way too soon, before the tiny grave was covered by the cold dirt.

  I couldn’t stop crying for the child I would have loved. I would not have cared if she belonged to my boys or to someone else, she would have been loved, my only consolation was knowing the baby girl was with God, wrapped in angel arms, never knowing pain.

  We didn’t attend Megan’s funeral, it would have been too hard. Much too hard to think of the waste and the hatred. She had everything. She was beautiful, and smart. She could have enjoyed a wonderful life. She could have been loved by someone that would have cherished her and her body. I would not and could not judge her beyond the pain she inflected on our family, but I know she had so much going in her favor, she just never seemed to realize it. I thought of how she wanted to chase fun. I wondered what her fun would have been, and I realized I would never have the answer to that because the two of us was so different. Fun to me was watching my family, loving them with all my heart, laughing with them, watching the light in their eyes. I did not understand but I felt pity that her days and her life seemed to be filled with a darkness I could not fathom. Rest seemed to be denied to me and I found myself walking back toward the lone grave.

  “I loved you little girl. I loved you before I saw you, and I loved you more as I held you while you were still. I loved you because I knew I could not trust your Mother to protect you. From the time I heard about you I knew that the way I felt for you would break my heart. I knew it from the soul of me, but I could not stop the love. All I could feel was the need to protect you and I would have died trying to do that. I will never forget you. Forgive me little one, forgive that I could not do more to save you. Rest with God little angel. God will do for you what I could not do.”

  I whispered as I stood there, suddenly the cold wind seemed to still for a little while, and out of nowhere a tiny blue bird landed on her grave, setting still watching me. It was too cold for a bird like that, but it sat there, eyes still on me. I watched it, feeling a sense of calm wash over me.

  “You sent this bird to me, didn’t you?” I said, not thinking of who I was talking to, but I reached forward, needing contact for some reason. It let me touch it as I leaned forward. It stood still as I wrapped my hands around it, pulling it toward me. It never tried to get away and I thought maybe it was freezing, but it did not seem to be in distress. It didn’t even feel cold. I thought I should take it to the house with me, but the sound of “no” echoed in my head. I opened my hand, still it sat there looking at me. It seemed to be looking at me, trying to see inside me, judging if I was ready to let it fly away or not. It turned it head toward the cross, then looked back at me, then lowered its head to my hand, almost like a caress. Then it flew away, wings high and proud, lifting it high and higher, higher than a normal bird would fly, it seemed to go straight into the sky. I watched it until I could not see the beautiful bird anymore.

  “Thank you.” I whispered tearing wetting my face as I watched the sky, not seeing the bird anymore.

  I started walking back to the house, toward my life, my loves, my reason for living. I saw Billy coming toward me. I started walking faster, he did too. He opened his arms, waiting, reaching for me. We came together, my face wet with tears. I noticed his was too as he pulled me close to him.

  “I saw a beautiful bird on her grave. It let me hold it, looking at me until it finally flew away. It seemed to go straight to heaven. I think it was a sign. A sign of love.”

  “I think it was too my love, now let’s go home, baby you have done all you can do. You always have done all you could do, now it’s time to go home.”

  “Yes, you are right. It’s time to go home,” I said as he put his arms around my shoulders leading me home.