The Twelve Tools

by Natti Ronel

  It is desirable to recognize characteristic behavior and the social, conceptual, and emotional states that express the weak points, the qualities or tendencies that we can’t change. As long as we don’t admit our weak point, and especially when we try to deny it to ourselves, it continues to manipulate us as it pleases. Sincere admission and full acceptance of it as a weak point that we are powerless over, creates change.

  Admission and acceptance of a weak point show us what we can do to counteract it, and enable us to prevent the weak point from manipulating us at will, with the help of the tool of “Abstinence.” Practicing abstinence enables us to do something else with our tendencies, while abstaining from behavior that derives from our weak point. The Serenity Prayer helps us to identify and accept the weak points that exist in us, and, on the basis of acceptance, it’s possible to maintain abstinence and change present behavior. In a paradoxical way, the admission and acceptance of our powerlessness over personal weak points constitute a simple way to be gradually freed from powerlessness.

  Although what is recommended is serene acceptance of the fact that we have weak points, there is no suggestion that we accept serenely the behaviors that go with them, especially if they harm us or someone else. Accepting a quality doesn’t include the conduct that is expressed by it, on the contrary. Accepting a quality, in addition to admitting it exists, also accepts that it’s liable to lead to undesirable behavior, and therefore we have a responsibility to abstain from this behavior.

  It is possible to see in what has been said so far a kind of pessimistic perception. It seems that from our point of view almost nothing can be changed. It’s certainly true that human ability is limited and it’s very desirable that we accept this; otherwise, there is no prospect of relaxing. But -- and it’s a big but -- acceptance expresses an optimistic perception of change, and, in fact, there’s no shortage of things that can be changed.

  Courage to change

  Let’s take a break for a moment, a brief moment of silence, and again we look at ourselves and the way we behave. If possible, start from this very morning, from the moment we started the day. This time we ask ourselves -- when we behave, act, feel -- what could we change, but for whatever reason haven’t changed? We look for something fresh from today, and if nothing comes to mind, then something from yesterday or before. If we have found something, let’s look for some other similar thing, maybe from the same day, maybe from another day. We ask ourselves -- is there a common element shared by the things that we don’t change? And why, really, haven’t we changed them? Let’s remember the images that have popped up. … Thank you.

  The third part of the Serenity Prayer (“Courage to change the things” etc.) offers us a kind of behavioral formula -- change demands courage. After we have seen that there are many things which we try in vain to change, and we have no ease or respite, the Prayer comes along and tells us that we are apparently afraid to change what can be changed. Sometimes we feel we don’t have the urge, or the strength, or the patience. All these, in my view, come under the heading of “no courage.” It seems that we don’t have the courage to confront them. There are many things in the world that can be changed by us at a given time, but our ability is limited, and sometimes we don’t see the limitations and we try to force a change of the very thing that eludes our control.

  There is one thing which we are always -- yes, always -- capable of changing, in any situation and at any time, something which no force can prevent us from changing, by our nature as human beings. What we can always change is our response to a given situation; any response, internal or external, depending on the circumstances. Always, really always, we can change our response. Often, we can’t change anything about the circumstances, even when they are unpleasant and even painful, because our ability is limited. But the internal response is the nucleus in which we have full freedom of choice. Even if our mouths are gagged and our hands and feet tied, still our head and our heart are free to choose the response that is right for us. Even if the inclination of our hearts and our emotional habits or our personality traits (everyone can define these according to personal understanding), arouse in us a particular initial response, we can change it, and we can certainly change the behavior that goes with it, within the limited options that the situation dictates. If we remember the Gate of the Present which I described in “Just for Today” -- what comes from the future and might enter the gate is admittedly not liable to change, but it is within our power to change the trajectory of the gate, its aperture and its angle, and thus influence the flow of traffic through the gate.

  In a strange way, as the Serenity Prayer points out, we are more likely to try and change what can’t be changed, than to change our original response. Maybe we are a little skeptical as to whether changing our responses is possible, and so we prefer the whole world to change according to our marvelous plan for it. Sometimes a hesitant internal voice arises in us -- if we accept reality without changing it, what then? And worse, if we accept reality and change only our response, something very unpleasant could happen, we would lose control, and who knows where that would lead? Here lies sustained disbelief in our ability to contend with reality, and that’s why we want to change it and not ourselves. The familiar response offers us the illusion of control. Should we abandon this illusion and change our response to the reality which we are unable to control? It seems it isn’t that simple. So what? As long as the will to control remains, we keep on trying with the same mode, and achieve similar or worse results. This is the definition of insanity, sometimes attributed to Einstein (probably erroneously): “Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results”. This insanity has a purpose, which is to create the illusion of confidence and control. But it doesn’t succeed, and it also comes at a price.

  On the other hand, acceptance of reality, as was suggested by the previous section of the Serenity Prayer, constitutes the starting point of the process of changing what we can change. Acceptance, and perhaps also the relaxation that follows it, are already our new responses to reality. Acceptance points to the ability to change responses and helps us to find it in ourselves. Also, abstaining from something, according to the Abstinence Tool, is actually a change in our response, exposing an ability which may be new to us. But often, we don’t recognize what is the response that can be changed, what ability we have at our disposal, and what tendencies and restraints exist in us. Clearly, change requires courage, but something else is needed too, and this is addressed in the final section of the Serenity Prayer.

  The wisdom to know

  Let’s take another brief moment of silence. Let’s go deep into it, let everything go. … In the midst of the silence, we look at ourselves in moments of embarrassment and indecision, when we can’t decide what is the right or the wrong thing to do, what is desirable and what is undesirable, what is good and what is less so. We see ourselves trapped in vacillation, moving from one type of thinking to another, without the ability to commit to a decision. There is a kind of powerlessness in vacillation. Let’s also see situations where after vacillating we have finally decided something. Let’s examine the process of decision making, the intellectual and emotional considerations that lead us to decide. Now let’s go forward a little and remember how we felt after making the decision, and also look at the results that followed from it. … Thank you.

  The concluding section of the Serenity Prayer also proposes a simple formula -- wisdom is linked to the ability to know and to distinguish differences. When we don’t succeed in distinguishing, for example between what is right and what isn’t right or between the desirable and the undesirable, it’s as if we are lacking a certain wisdom.

  Information, especially knowledge from experience, improves our capacity for wisdom, which is expressed as a better ability to distinguish. It’s possible to see that when we lack peace of mind and when we are trying to enforce our control on something that is beyond our abil
ity to control or change, we don’t have the ability to distinguish, and it’s as if we’re lacking wisdom.

  In the Serenity Prayer, we address God and ask for the gift of wisdom. We turn to God in an active way, acting without expecting any free gifts. We work in the spirit of the Prayer and we are helped by all the tools -- those we have already described and those we shall describe in due course -- and we grow out of experience. Our knowledge grows accordingly, and with it the ability to recognize the world and ourselves with more accuracy and to distinguish between different situations and options. Through active use of the Prayer, and with the other tools of the change program, our wisdom grows.

  Wisdom is linked to the ability to know and to distinguish between a variety of things which have a similar essence: distinguishing between something that we consider positive and something that isn’t so positive, at least for us. Distinguishing is practical, without any reference to judgment or criticism, but out of realistic relaxation.

  A prominent form of distinction which we tend to overlook is the distinction between a person and that person’s behavior. An individual is different from his or her behavior as well as from the totality of one’s behaviors. There are many aspects to this distinction. First, we see in the person something bigger and more valuable than the behavior. The person behaves, but he or she is not the behavior. This is a tolerant view which accepts the person as every other person is accepted, even the one who has done horrific and terrible things. We accept the person, but not necessarily his or her actions, and so this distinction is important to us. It enables us to ease our relations with others. We can leave aside the judging of others, while continuing to disapprove and contend with certain kinds of behavior. The distinction between person and behavior opens the way to conciliation and the attainment of inter-personal peace. To the same degree, it’s right for us too: we are not our behavior. Thus, self-judgment and self-blame only weigh us down, without contributing anything to us; on the other hand, correct appraisal of behavior and recourse to abstinence can create something new in us.

  The distinction between person and behavior takes us back to the distinction between our behavior and our qualities. As we’ve already seen, it isn’t simple, and sometimes it’s impossible, to change a quality, but it is possible to change behavior and our response to reality or to a certain quality. We can understand that a certain person isn’t his or her quality, but much more than that, and perhaps the quality is something that can’t be changed by that person, but a person can change his or her behavior, and it’s worthwhile giving a chance to everyone, whoever they may be.

  The distinction that I’ve described sketches the person for us -- one has qualities, and one behaves. These concepts are distinct. The person, every person, should be accepted unconditionally. Almost always, the person who behaves, and only he or she, can change their behavior, although sometimes it’s possible to influence them to change it, especially when we change our response. The quality that binds a person to behavior can’t be changed at a given moment, but over time it changes gradually. This distinction creates order and enables us to foster a more equable relationship between them and us, and allows us to change what can be changed.

  There’s something else here. When we turn to God as we understand God, and this also applies to those who don’t understand and don’t believe, we are ready, if only for a very brief moment, to believe that a power greater than us is helping us to accept, to change and to know. The Serenity Prayer itself, as an active tool which defines for us what is generally worth accepting and what can be changed, is a kind of power greater than us. Adoption of the Serenity Prayer already improves our wisdom, when we let it guide our choices in the moment of indecision and in other moments of unease or other distressed states. This is wisdom which arises from a modest perception of ourselves as limited. In spite of our tendency to return to the familiar and the comfortable -- which I referred to before as “insanity” -- we allow the Serenity Prayer to lead us on a new route. Usually, change brings results, some unexpected, and some not what we wanted from the outset. But they strengthen us to carry on along the path. Wisdom is both a “gift of God,” and something exposed from within. This is not a contradiction, far from it, it is a fact of our nature -- which is human, bound and constrained and at the same time divine, free and unconstrained. The Serenity Prayer teaches us to begin distinguishing between these two possibilities and to choose between them more freely.

  Activating the Serenity Prayer

  We began our presentation of the Serenity Prayer on an absurd note, the notion that sometimes we “play God.” We delved into situations of disquiet, distress and other emotional and behavioral phenomena, while in the background the option remained of stepping back and enjoying the “bonus” of peace and serenity and subsequently, real freedom. We went on to the possibilities of change and courage, and arrived at the wisdom to distinguish, which can lead us in peak moments towards distinguishing between our familiar and limited nature, and towards the possibility of release from confinement, living for a moment the unlimited divine nature. This enchanted possibility is expressed and emphasized in the motto of the Graceway: to be the grace that we want to encounter. So far, so good -- but how, in practice, do we exercise and live the Serenity Prayer? How can we grow with it and with its help?

  The suggestion is to sit down by ourselves at the end of the day for a short self-analysis in which we examine things as we have examined them before:

  Have I played God today, trying to force myself on others and on the world, sure that I know better than anyone else what’s right and what isn’t?

  When did I feel uneasy or distressed today? What was there that I tried to change by force, even though I couldn’t? What do I need to accept tomorrow and in days to come?

  What could have been changed today that I didn’t change because I lacked the inclination, the strength, or the energy? How can I change this tomorrow?

  Where have I been indecisive today and failed to know what is right and what is less so? How can I exercise the wisdom of the divine nature tomorrow?

  When we take stock of ourselves every day, something starts to change. We start to internalize the direction suggested by the Serenity Prayer. We uncover the wisdom to distinguish.

  Furthermore, in the course of the day, it is worth stopping now and then and remembering the Serenity Prayer and these questions. Over time we can reach the point where, at a given moment, we will know what can be changed and what can’t be changed in a certain situation, and we can distinguish and choose between acceptance and change in the manner appropriate for us.

  Similarly, it is desirable now and then to examine ourselves in the world and in relation to others in a comprehensive way, allowing opportunities to be opened before us to create profound change out of awareness. To this we may add examination of our relations with other people and with ourselves: are we successful in distinguishing between people -- including ourselves -- and their behavior and qualities? Regular introspection contributes to improvement in distinguishing, which promotes vigorous change of what can be changed and acceptance of what can’t be changed, and this is the Prayer at work.

  An additional recommendation is that in moments of unease we repeat the Serenity Prayer. It may be repeated as a prayer time after time. Many people find repetition of it reassuring and comforting and it also allows release from various “hang-ups.” I remember a woman, a civil servant in one of the municipalities in the southern Israel, who described in a very graphic manner the pressure she was under in the work-place, where her performance was about to be put to the test under the spotlight of a public meeting, with the local mayor in attendance, and she couldn’t sleep the night before. Everything was ready, and she had done her best in advance, but her thoughts were running away with her, taking her everywhere except into sleep. As she was tossing restlessly in her bed, she remembered the Serenity Prayer and began to re
cite it. Once, and then again, and again… for a time just long enough to ease her into refreshing sleep. In her own words, the following day the Prayer “accompanied” her during the event, helping her to get through it in a calmer state of mind than was the norm for her.

  Here’s another interesting example of implementation of the Serenity Prayer in accordance with need. On a hot summer day, just before we switched on the air-conditioning in our house, our pet dog disappeared. After we had called his name repeatedly, he was located underneath the sofa, in what was apparently the coolest place in the room, where he lay placidly until we called him. We switched on the air-conditioning, the room cooled down, and the dog took up residence on a day-bed to the side, some distance from the cool air blowing from the air-conditioner. Again, he sprawled in a state of serene relaxation as before. Some time later, he stood up, shook himself, and went out to the small garden, chose a sunny spot and lay down to get warm, equally relaxed. In winter, the dog adopted the floor underneath the heater. When we moved the heater to a place which was more convenient for us, the dog moved with it, and made himself comfortable again. When the heater came back from repair, the dog was happy to greet it like a member of the family returning after a long absence, and lay down calmly in front of it, even before we’d switched it on. In relation to us and like other animals, the dog has limited ability to change the external situation, so usually he adapts himself to the prevailing circumstances, and finds serenity this way. When the circumstances change, he identifies and chooses what is best for him, and settles down again serenely in his chosen place. His choice is instinctive wisdom in action, always seeking to adapt to a changing reality and then finding serenity in the new dispensation. What about us? We’re so used to changing our surroundings and conditions that seem unfavorable to us, we sometimes forget that we have the ability to change ourselves and adapt our response in terms of the situation, especially when it can’t be changed. Human development has accustomed us to a high level of ability to change our environment, but the price is the loss of our ability to adapt ourselves. The secret of adaptation we can learn from our domestic pets, which implement the Serenity Prayer without knowing it.