Not Like I'm Jealous or Anything: The Jealousy Book (Ruby Oliver)
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Matthea Harvey
We needed water & frozen water for the party. I chose you to two-step
with but the downstairs chandelier stayed still, its prisms prim.
Consider this: if sunfish & ducks compete for the same bit
of bread, at any moment their mouths might meet. That’s how my mother
explained the Other, told me to hedge my bets, furl wish-scrolls into
the topiary. Still I had questions about Life & the Afterlife. You
looked in through the screen door. I sat next to my ex.
ALL JEALOUSY, ALL THE TIME: Extras
JEALOUSY VS.ENVY: IMPRESS YOUR ENGLISH TEACHER
Jealous: 1.Resentful and envious, as of someone’s success, advantages, etc. 2. Proceeding from suspicious fears or envious resentment. 3. Inclined to suspicions of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love.
Envy: 1. A feeling of resentful discontent, begrudging admiration, or covetousness with regard to another’s advantages, possessions, or attainments; desire for something possessed by another.
(Definitions from Random House Webster’s College Dictionary )
BEING WELL-READ MAKES SOME PEOPLE JEALOUS
An assortment of picture books, novels, nonfiction, and online essays about our favorite topic.
The Berenstain Bears and the Green-Eyed Monster, Stan and Jan Berenstain (Random House, 1995): Are bears afraid of monsters?
The English Roses, Madonna (Calloway, 2003):Mean Girls for the picture book set from the mother of two.
“Envy,” Kathryn Chetkovich (Granta 82: Life’s Like That: www.granta.com/extracts/2015) (2003): A refreshingly honest personal essay about one writer’s envy of her boyfriend, a more successful (and famous) writer.
Envy, Jason Epstein (Oxford University Press, 2003): The New York Public Library asked seven writers to tackle one each of the seven deadly sins (anger, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, pride, and sloth). Envy is nonfiction and might feel a bit too much like homework, but it’s an interesting overview of everything envy.
Gossip Girl, Cecily Von Ziegesar (Little, Brown, 2002-2006): You know you love this series.
“Our Mutual Friend: How to steal friends and influence people,” Lucinda Rosenfeld (New York Magazine: newyorkmetro.com/nymetro/shopping/ features/9748/) (2004): This is what happens when you introduce two people and they become friends, leaving you behind!
I’m Not Jealous: How to Beat the Mean Greens, Claudine Desmarteau (Universe, 2004): An adorable picture book originally published in France.
Jacob Have I Loved, Katherine Paterson (Harper Trophy, 1980): If you have siblings you’ll be able to relate to this classic novel. If you are an only child you will be glad.
Odd Girl Speaks Out: Girls Write about Bullies, Cliques, Popularity, and Jealousy, Rachel Simmons (Harvest Books, 2004): Letters, essays, and poems submitted by real girls.
Othello, William Shakespeare (c. 1604): This is the one where the character Iago calls jealousy a greeney’d monster. And he should know.
Spilling Open: The Art of Becoming Yourself, Sabrina Ward Harrison (Villard, 2000): This gorgeous book will inspire you to write and paint and let go of your insecurities.
MAKE YOUR OWN JEALOUSY MIX!
“Hey Jealousy” (Gin Blossoms, New Miserable Experience)
“Mr. Brightside” (The Killers, Hot Fuss)
“Jealous Guy” (John Lennon, Imagine)
“Why Can’t I Be You” (The Cure, Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me)
“Jealousy” (Natalie Merchant, Tigerlily)
“Circus Envy” (REM, Monster)
“We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful” (Morrissey, Your Arsenal)
“Jealousy” (Liz Phair, Whip-Smart)
“I’m Jealous” (Ike and Tina Turner, The Soul of Ike and Tina Turner)
“Jealousy” (Pet Shop Boys, Behavior)
“So Jealous” (Tegan and Sara, So Jealous)
“Bein’ Green” (Kermit the Frog, The Muppet Show: Music, Mayhem, And More! The 25th Anniversary Collection )
GREEN-EYED VIEWING
(A partial, PG-13 version. You’ve seen all the R ones already, anyway.)
Addams Family Values (1993)
Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld. Starring Anjelica Huston, Raul Julia, Christina Ricci, and Joan Cusack.
Wednesday (Ricci) and Pugsley try to kill their new brother, Pubert, which leads to the hiring of a new nanny (Cusack), which leads to trouble.
Amadeus (1984)
Directed by Milos Forman. Starring F. Murray Abraham and Tom Hulce.
Who knew classical music could be so competitive? The story of Mozart (Hulce), as told by his biggest rival (Abraham). Best Picture Academy Award Winner.
Envy (2004)
Directed by Barry Levinson. Starring Ben Stiller and Jack Black.
The explanation for this mediocre movie about a friendship torn apart by envy? It sat on a shelf, unreleased, until Mr. Black hit it big with School of Rock (2003). You’ll see why if you actually rent it.
Ever After (1998)
Directed by Andy Tennant. Starring Drew Barrymore, Anjelica Huston, and Dougray Scott.
One word: stepsisters. A live-action update of Cinderella. (As opposed to the 1950 Disney animated one.)
Love and Basketball (2000)
Directed by Gina Prince-Bythewood. Starring Sanaa Lathan, Omar Epps, Alfre Woodard, and Dennis Haysbert.
Set in the pre-WNBA basketball world of the 1980s, when the options for a girl with game were limited.
Mean Girls (2004)
Directed by Mark S. Waters. Starring Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, and Tina Fey.
“I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me . . . but I can’t help it that I’m so popular.”—Gretchen. If you must, also see Lindsay’s “song,”“First,” from her “album,” Speak.
My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997)
Directed by P. J. Hogan. Starring Julia Roberts, Dermot Mulroney, Cameron Diaz, and Rupert Everett.
What does Julia have to be jealous about? Rupert was the only option here.
“The One with All the Jealousy”: Friends, Episode 3.12 (Season Three, 1997)
Ross + Rachel = Jealousy.
Real Women Have Curves (2002)
Directed by Patricia Cardoso. Starring America Ferrara and Lupe Ontiveros.
Ana (Ferrara) must choose between her family’s expectations, fueled, in part, by her mother’s jealousy, and her dreams. Winner of the Audience Award at the 2002 Sundance Film Festival.
School Ties (1992)
Directed by Robert Mandel. Starring Brendan Fraser, Matt Damon, Chris O’Donnell, and Ben Affleck.
When David Green (Fraser) is recruited to play football his senior year at a Massachusetts prep school and takes Charlie Dillon’s (Damon) position on the team and his girlfriend, Dillon’s jealousy turns ugly.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)
Starring (voices) Adriana Caselotti, Harry Stock-well, Roy Atwell, and Lucille La Verne.
Who is the fairest of them all? Don’t answer that.
Toy Story (1995)
Directed by John Lasseter. Starring (voices) Tom Hanks and Tim Allen.
Personally, I prefer Mr. Potato Head (Don Rickles) to either Woody (Hanks) or Buzz Lightyear (Allen).
BUY GREEN!
Fragrance: Sephora.com says Envy (Gucci) is “a transparent floral fragrance” and Envy Me (Gucci) “was created for the woman who demands attention.” Hmm.
Tea: Envy (Tazo: www.tazo.com)
Described as “a floral, somewhat nutty blend of organic green teas from the misty mountains of Southwestern China.” “Nutty” seems to be the important word here.
IT’S NOT THAT EASY BEIN’ GRANNY SMITH APPLE: Crayola’s Twenty Shades of Green
(Hopefully, your jealousy green isn’t Shadow. Or Inch Worm . . . )
Asparagus
Caribbean Green
Electric Lime
Fern
Forest Green
Granny Smith Apple
Green
Green Yellow
Inch Worm
Jungle Green
Mountain Meadow
Olive Green
Pine Green
Screamin Green
Sea Green
Shadow
Shamrock
Spring Green
Tropical Rain Forest
Yellow Green
Capricorns (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) are known for being jealous.
ABOUT THE CONTRIBUTORS
SIOBHAN ADCOCK was born in the Chicago area and is the author of 30 Things Everyone Should Know How to Do Before Turning 30, a bossy instruction manual. She teaches creative writing and creative nonfiction in New York state.
What she’s most jealous of: “I am a jealous, mean, covetous person, so the sad truth is that I am envious of just about everybody: snowboarders, musicians, surfers, people with curly hair . . . But I suppose I’m most jealous of people who can drive stick shift. People who drive stick like to brag about how fun it is. It probably is really fun. Jerks.”
E. LOCKHART is the author of The Boyfriend List and its forthcoming sequel, The Boy Book—both of which feature Ruby Oliver and Tate Prep. She also wrote Fly on the Wall, and can be found at www.the boyfriendlist.com. She actually likes to bake.
What she’s most jealous of: “I envy talents I don’t have: facility with foreign languages, hand-eye coordination, beautiful singing voices, speed.”
ANNELI RUFUS is the author of several books, including Party of One: The Loner’s Manifesto. Thus she is largely reclusive, but she can be lured into conversation if the topic is sharks, ghosts, or the Wild West.
What she’s most jealous of: “Girls with beautiful hair, and everyone with beach houses.”
THATCHER HELDRING grew up in Seattle and went to the University of Washington. After college he sold his car and moved to New York, where he presently lives and writes. He is happily engaged and looks forward to being married sometime in the postponable future.
What he’s most jealous of: “People who speak more than one language and have never heard of Ashlee Simpson.”
NED VIZZINI is the author of Be More Chill (Hyperion/Miramax Books), chosen by Judy Blume as a Today show Book Club selection, and Teen Angst? Naaah...(Free Spirit), published when the author was nineteen. His work has received awards from New York Is Book Country, Book Sense, and the New York Public Library. Ned’s new book, It’s Kind of a Funny Story, is slated for publication by Hyperion/Miramax Books in spring 2006. Ned lives in Brooklyn, New York. You can find him at NedVizzini.com.
What he’s most jealous of: “I’m most jealous of women I see on television—or the men with these women. This is why I try and watch for a maximum of fifteen minutes at once, unless I have a friend to guide me.”
MARTY BECKERMAN is the sexy and delicate twenty-two-year-old author of the modern-day classics Death to All Cheerleaders (Infected Press, 2000), Generation S.L.U.T. (MTV Books, 2004), and the forthcoming Retard Nation (Simon & Schuster, 2006). A recent honors graduate of American University, Beckerman lives in Washington, D.C. His Web site is www.MartyBeckerman.com.
What he’s most jealous of:“My friend Ned Vizzini, for his endless charisma, luscious girlfriends, and freakin’ Enormous _____.”
JACLYN MORIARTY grew up in Sydney and studied law in England and the United States. She is the author of the internationally bestselling Feeling Sorry for Celia and The Year of Secret Assignments . Her first adult novel, I Have a Bed Made of Buttermilk Pancakes , was published by Anansi Press, Canada, in August 2005. She has worked as a media and entertainment lawyer in Sydney but now lives in Montreal, where she writes full-time.
What she’s most jealous of: “I’m jalous of people who can spell.”
DYAN SHELDON was born in Brooklyn but now lives in London. She is the author of several novels, including Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen.
What she’s most jealous of: “I don’t know about jealous, but I am rather envious of my friend Alison. Partly because Alison worked on The Sopranos. Partly because, having worked on The Sopranos, she got to know Steve van Zandt and has been invited back-stage at a gig to meet Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. But mainly because Alison lives with Roxie the pit bull, who is undeniably the greatest dog in Brooklyn, if not the whole world. I would love to call Roxie my dog.”
IRINA REYN was born in Moscow and arrived in the United States at the age of seven. The trials and tribulations of her immigrant experience have been chronicled in the anthology Becoming American: Personal Essays by First Generation Immigrant Women (Hyperion). Since then, Irina has been an editor of the online magazine Killing the Buddha, a (jealous) book reviewer, and a teacher of creative writing. She is working on her first novel, along with a collection of short stories.
What she’s most jealous of:“Believe it or not, I am most jealous of anyone going back to school in September. I wish I could be a student again, with my overstuffed book bag, late-night dorm chats and pizza deliveries to look forward to, but with no pressing need to decide what I will do with the rest of my life.”
REED TUCKER lives in a cold, dark room somewhere in New York City, where he sits around wishing he had Donald Trump’s money, President Bush’s power, and above all, Usher’s sweet, sweet dance moves.
What he’s most jealous of: “David Moore, a kid I knew in sixth grade whose family was fortunate enough to own a revolutionary technology called a laserdisc player he swore would change the world.”
SUSAN JUBY lives on Vancouver Island with her husband, James, and their dog, Frank. She enjoys horse-back riding, knitting, and pasta.
What she’s most jealous of: Susan is relieved to say that she is no longer a poster child for jealousy. She can still be a bit judgmental, but only when she hasn’t eaten.
KRISTINA BAUMAN is a high school senior in New Jersey. She dabbles in photography, writing, and other arts. Her father, CHRISTIAN BAUMAN , writes novels and other propaganda. Find out more at www.christian bauman.com.
What they’re most jealous of: After some thought and consideration of the world at large, Kristina finds very little to be jealous of. Christian admits a twinge of jealousy of those more thoughtful and considerate than he is.
MATTHEA HARVEY is the author of two books of poetry, Sad Little Breathing Machine (Graywolf, 2004) and Pity the Bathtub Its Forced Embrace of the Human Form (Alice James Books, 2000). She lives in Brooklyn.
What she’s most jealous of: “I am jealous of detectives and people who have more than one dachshund.”
ABOUT THE EDITOR
MARISSA WALSH lives in Queens but she’s sure the grass is greener in Brooklyn.
What she’s most jealous of: “Well, if you read the introduction, you know that I’m jealous of just about everything. But the first time I remember being jealous—insanely, sobbingly jealous—was after reading Charlotte’s Web. I desperately wanted to trade places with Fern, to be Fern. I didn’t want to live in the city—I wanted to live on a farm, and I wanted a cute, cuddly pig (remember that picture in the book of Fern cradling Wilbur in her arms like a little baby doll?) to call my own, and I wanted to go to the county fair and get stuck on the top of the Ferris wheel with a boy. My mother tried to console me, but she wasn’t about to buy me a pig—or send me to live on a farm—so there wasn’t much she could do, except try to make me realize what I did have, and why my life was just as good as Fern’s. Honestly, she wasn’t much help; I had to get over it on my own. And as I got older I realized that, like most things, pigs lose their charm when they grow up.”
More jealousy can be found at www.thejealousy book.com.
1 The school I go to. It’s full of the children of doctors and lawyers and people with big fancy houses on the water. I go there on scholarship.
2 You can find out what happened in a book called The Boyfriend List. But be warned: it’s full of hideous painful details that are not for the faint of heart.
3 The Whipper: April’s then boyfrien
d, Sky Whipple, Big Meathead on Campus.
4 My dad coughed it up when I told him it was for charity.
5 Funny, though: I never felt jealous of Cricket’s house, which could eat my house for an hors d’oeuvre. Or of Kim’s, which has a pool. Just Heidi’s, because it was chic and modern and somehow effortless—and because Jackson had kissed her in it.
6 Mine are size medium and require a bra because they are already completely destined for sagginess, but Heidi’s just stand up on their own like little chocolate kisses.
7 At her mother’s annual holiday party, April caught the Whipper in the broom closet not only kissing but squeezing the boobs of some freshman girl named Nikki whose mom worked in the same law firm as April’s dad.
8 What I really meant was, You think you know my boyfriend better than me? Ha. The stuff you know is so over. You don’t know him at all, anymore. And you probably never did.
9 At that point, I had no idea what it would feel like for my boyfriend to run off with another girl. But Heidi did—because Jackson had dumped her only a week before he started going out with me. And I would find out how it felt for myself, plenty soon enough.
10 What I was really thinking was: Jackson will know I baked these for him. It’s a romantic gesture. He’ll be surprised and touched that I remembered what he wished for—and then when he takes a bite, they’ll be so good he’ll think I’m wonderful by extension. (I am an idiot, I know. I know. I know.)
11 April was furious—until they started selling. Then she acted like it was her idea all along, and did some really good fast talking when the headmaster swung by in the afternoon to ask about some anatomically correct baked goods he’d been hearing about? April slid the sign into her back pocket as he was walking over, then convinced him that he’d been hearing about a bunch of reindeer-shaped gingerbreads.
Published by Delacorte Press
an imprint of Random House Children’s Books
a division of Random House, Inc.