All or Nothing (All Series Book 1)

by Ann, Natalie

  Last night when she felt his body shaking and he was mumbling Trent’s name, she gently tried to wake him. She’d never seen him like that, so out of control. And so hard to wake up. That alone alarmed her. He must have been completely lost in whatever he was dreaming about. Obviously it wasn’t a good memory, because not only would his body not stop shaking, but his hands were also ice cold.

  She wished he would have talked to her, but she really couldn’t blame him. If she were in his shoes and had a bad dream about her past, she wouldn’t want to talk about it either. Mainly, that was what kept her mouth shut. Quid pro quo, and she wasn’t ready to share any parts of her past at the moment.

  Looking at the remnants of her teddy on the floor—torn to shreds—she stood up naked and pulled open a drawer, grabbed one of his T-shirts and threw it over her head. Adequately dressed for the moment, she set off in search of him.

  Walking down the stairs to the main level, she heard music playing and figured her best bet was to follow it. Veering toward the kitchen increased the noise, but not enough for him to be there. Then she saw an open door that must lead to the basement, and she followed the sound down the stairs.

  Shock was a mild word for his basement. She had thought his house was nice, all newly remodeled—well, he did say his brothers had remodeled it, and she had seen some of their work before. But the basement was the quintessential man cave.

  She absolutely didn’t expect that from him. The room was massive, filled with large comfortable furniture, a bar in the corner, and a huge flat screen TV on the wall. She squinted her eyes… were those video game consoles in the cabinet?

  Shaking her head, she followed the music down the length of the room to another open doorway where she got her second shock.

  There was Ben, wearing only athletic shorts, hung low on his hips, running on a treadmill at a controlled—rather fast—pace. Sweat covered his upper body, and she had a sudden urge to go up and run her hands over every inch of him.

  Even though she had seen his body in all of its glory, she had never seen it in motion like this. She had all she could do not to fan her overheated hormones at the moment.

  Pulling her eyes away from his chest, she looked at his face and saw the big grin he was sending her way. Caught. Oh well, there were worse things than to be caught ogling a hot man in front of you, especially if it’s the man you are currently sleeping with.

  Leaning a shoulder on the wall, she crossed one ankle over the other, then crossed her arms in front of her chest, the shirt rising up more on her thighs. “Looks like you’ve been at it for a while?”

  “About forty-five minutes. Cute shirt,” he said, nodding.

  Forty-five minutes. He wasn’t even out of breath. She would bet he could carry on a conversation with her right now the same as if he were sitting at the kitchen table. “Someone ruined the clothes that I was supposed to sleep in last night.”

  “Want me to hunt him down and rough him over for you?” he asked, his eyes sparkling.

  “Nah, I can handle my own. I know how to get even,” she said mischievously, and added a glare for good measure. Which only produced a laugh from him.

  She was glad to see he was smiling. She actually was unsure how to proceed this morning, after she had woken him up last night. He seemed to want to pretend it didn’t happen and she was more than willing to go along with it. Less messy that way all around. “How much longer are you going to be?”

  “Just another fifteen minutes or so. Do you need to leave already?”

  “No, I’ve got plenty of time. I just thought I would make breakfast for us and we could have a relaxing morning before you brought me home to get ready for work.”

  “Good,” he said, genuinely.

  “Well, I’ll let you finish up. I think I’ll go take a quick shower first, then start on breakfast. By the time you’re done and then showered it should be ready.”

  He nodded. She pushed off the wall and turned to walk away. Before she could step away from the doorframe he called her name. She stopped and turned. “Yes?”

  “Thanks.”

  She smiled at him, knowing what he was thanking her for. It didn’t need to be said. Maybe she wished he had talked about it after all, because now Kaitlin’s remarks about helping Ben heal were making more sense.

  Exist

  On Sunday afternoon Ben walked down the hallway of the Pediatric Unit. Presley didn’t disappoint when she turned her head, jaw slack and asked what he was doing there. “It doesn’t always have to be about you, you know?” he said, a playful glint forming around his eyes, while he lifted the corner of his mouth.

  She grunted, then walked closer, out of earshot of the nurses’ station. “Very true. But seriously, I didn’t know you were coming by.” She lowered her voice after looking around to make sure there was no one close by. “You never said anything when you dropped me off at home earlier.”

  “I didn’t know until about an hour ago.”

  “Know what?” she asked, confused.

  “Just something I need to do. Is Sarah in her room?”

  “Yes,” Presley answered. “But her parents are in there with her.”

  “Even better,” he said, then walked away, leaving her standing there gaping at him. She was too easy, he thought to himself, but he really did have another agenda.

  Knocking on the doorframe to Sarah’s room, he noticed her parents sitting together quietly watching the TV with the volume turned down low, Sarah lying in bed looking both upset and slightly weary. Her eyes were red and swollen, obviously having spent some time crying, and her parents’ eyes didn’t look much better.

  “Ben,” Sarah said, pulling herself up higher on the bed. “What are you doing here?”

  “That seems to be the question of the day,” he said with a tentative smile, then walked further into the room, noting the perplexed looks coming from her parents.

  “Mom, Dad, this is Ben. He works in the security unit here.”

  There was no reason to correct her. No one needed to know he was the director. It wasn’t important. Nor did it have anything to do with why he was there. “Do you have a minute?”

  “Ah, sure.” She looked at her parents nervously as the color started to rise up her neck.

  Ben nodded, ignored her embarrassment, and pulled his laptop out of the shoulder bag he had been carrying. He opened it up, waited for the connection and then said, “Are you there, Petty Officer Johnson?”

  “Yes, sir,” could be heard loud and clear, followed by the stunned gasps from Sarah and her parents.

  Turning the laptop around, he placed it on the table in front of Sarah, where her parents had just rushed over to see their son’s smiling face on the screen. “You have ten minutes. Make them count,” Ben said, then exited the room.

  Shutting the door behind him, he came face-to-face with Presley, tears in her eyes. “How did you manage that?”

  “I’ve got connections.” She didn’t need to know he called in a few favors. Last week after talking to Sarah, he had gone home and done some research. His family was clueless to the consulting work he still did for the Navy, and he was just as happy to keep it that way. One perk was, he still had a high security clearance, allowing him to access information on Petty Officer Johnson fairly quickly.

  It hadn’t taken long for him to find where Ethan Johnson was stationed and call in the favor. Thankfully, the commanding officer was a friend of Ben’s and was more than willing to allow the simple phone call. But ten minutes was the limit.

  So Ben had arranged everything, sat back, kept the secret to himself and was just waiting for the final okay on the time of the call. Which had only been confirmed an hour earlier.

  “That’s exactly what Sarah needs right now. She’s really scared,” Presley said, knuckling a tear from her eye. “How did you know about her brother?”

  “Part of our conversation a few days ago on Thanksgiving. I noticed the picture of her brother. It hadn’t been there befo
re.”

  “No, her parents brought the picture over last week. They hoped it would give her strength. Things are pretty touch and go right now.” She sniffled a little, then looked at the ceiling trying to compose herself. “The doctors aren’t sure if these next treatments are going to work.”

  Ben reached for Presley’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I know. She told me. I hoped this would help, even if it was only mentally. She needs to be as strong as possible right now.”

  “Yeah, she does.”

  Ben didn’t know how Presley did it. How she could watch these kids—kids that were so sick and might not make it—day in and day out. He had seen enough death in his life, but not children. Never children. “Their time is almost up. I could only secure ten minutes on the channel I needed to go through, so I can’t push past it even a second.”

  He opened the door, walked in and tried not to show how much it affected him to see Sarah crying on the bed, along with her parents. But he heard Ethan loud and clear, his voice touched with emotion that he was struggling to fight through. Trying to be brave for Sarah. “Sarah, think strong. You can do this. I’m counting on you to be at the airport to greet me in a few months, so stay strong for me.”

  Ben watched Sarah nod, then walked over and told them to say their goodbyes. A moment later he turned the laptop around, saw the tears in Petty Officer Johnson’s eyes, and him fighting to pull it together. “Stay safe,” Ben ordered.

  Ethan’s voice boomed through the computer. “Hoorah, Commander Harper.”

  ***

  “So, you do exist.” Presley told Ben the following Thursday after she stepped out of the parking garage elevator and saw him standing in the doorway to the security office. He most likely had seen her driving through a few minutes ago.

  “What?” he asked, confusion evident on his face.

  She tried not to chuckle at his one raised eyebrow. Leaning around his shoulder, she peered inside the office and saw one of his officers sitting in front of the monitors, a knowing grin on his face. “Nothing,” she mumbled.

  He turned around, saw the officer continuing to smile at them, and pulled her aside out of hearing distance. “What about me existing?”

  “I thought I dreamed you up last night,” she said, running a hand over his shoulder and down his arm. “There was no trace of you around when I woke up.” She didn’t want to tell him how much it bothered her that when she finally woke up, not only was his side of the bed cold, but there wasn’t any indication of him in her house at all.

  He had come over the night before, her day off, and she had cooked him a nice meal. It seemed to be a routine for them—Wednesday night dinners. But instead of leaving a few hours later, he spent the night and had brought a change of clothes with him for the next day.

  When she saw it was eight in the morning, she knew he had to be gone, but she had expected he would have woken her up, or at least left a note. Something. Instead, the only sign he’d been in her apartment at all was a damp towel hanging in the bathroom from his shower. And try as she might, it really bothered her that she never heard him make a sound the entire time he was getting ready.

  “I’m disappointed. I thought for sure last night was pretty memorable. At least it was for me,” he added. “I can come over tonight after your shift and give you a reminder.”

  She laughed. As much as she wanted to say yes, that was too dangerous. Not two nights in a row, not yet. Instead she pointed out reasonably, “I won’t even be home until around midnight.”

  “So. I’ll probably still be up. Or better yet, why don’t you come to my house after your shift?”

  She tilted her head to the side, trying to think of a response. He obviously noticed her unease. “Or we can wait until your day off on Saturday if you want?” he offered.

  She appreciated he took the pressure off. Because he was being so thoughtful, she almost took him up on the offer. “Why don’t we wait until Saturday? By the time I get to your house tonight and get settled, I would be lucky to get a few hours of sleep before I’d need to get up and leave when you did.”

  “Why would you need to get up when I did?”

  “You have to go to work.”

  “So? You can stay at the house and leave when you’re ready. Just lock up on your way out.”

  Whoa, dangerous territory here. Moving a bit too fast for her.

  “Presley,” he said, sensing her mood change. “It’s not a big deal. No pressure. I told you, in my family we all run in and out of each other’s houses. It’s the norm. Think about it. You don’t even have to answer me right now. I’ll still be up when you get out of work. Go wherever your car takes you,” he said softly.

  She nodded. It would give her time to decide, but she was pretty sure her car would be taking her home after her shift. She wasn’t sure she was ready for two nights in a row, or being in his house alone. “I need to go punch in.” Since he had been so agreeable just now, she leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek, not even caring that his officer could see them.

  Walking to the Pediatric Ward she started to think—what was she so afraid of?

  She was used to being on her own, and had been for so long. She didn’t know how to rely on someone else, how to be with someone else, or even how to have someone around so much. That was the hard part when it came down to it, having someone around her so much.

  She liked her privacy and her time alone. And she was pretty sure he did too. No use getting in each other’s face more than necessary. Right now they had a good routine, one that was working well for both of them.

  He was getting to her, though. Little things he did. He knew she was uneasy around guns. Ever since that first night they were together, he had made a point to remove his gun before they undressed—she never knew where he put it but was pretty sure it was in her house.

  The first time she was in his house, she had looked around for more guns, positive he had more than a few, but she never saw them, or any signs of them. She wasn’t snooping by any means, but she figured there might be a gun case around or something, except she never saw anything.

  Again, obviously he was being considerate of her unease. And she was really thankful he hadn’t pushed her on the subject. There was no way she was ready to go into any details of her past, let alone her reason for fearing guns.

  Aside from the guns, it was everything else he did. Bringing her lunches, little text messages now and again. He even sent her flowers one day. By now, everyone in her ward knew she and Ben were dating. Kind of hard to keep it a secret at this point, and there wasn’t really a reason to.

  He always kept her on her toes, never doing the same thing twice. Like today, asking her to come over after her shift. She never knew what was going on in his head and he always kept her guessing.

  But if she had to pinpoint one thing that softened her toward him, it had to be the day he set the call up for Sarah with her brother. In that one moment, she got a glimpse of what it might be like to be in an actual relationship with someone. A normal relationship. To want to spend time with someone, want to be around them, and want to actually give up some of her space and privacy. And maybe, just a little bit, give up some of her independence.

  That was what was scaring her the most.

  Hard to Share

  In the end, she drove home after her shift despite the fact she really wanted to go to his house. At one point, she started to turn her car in that direction, but then chickened out and went home instead.

  The minute she walked in the door she wished she hadn’t though. Realization dawned. She wanted to spend the night with him and almost turned around, walked back out the door and drove across town to his place. Instead, she made a cup of tea, brought it back to her bedroom, and sipped it in bed while she looked through an old photo album from her childhood.

  Turning page after page, reminiscing over fond memories—which were so long ago and diminishing rapidly—fighting back the emotions and thinking of Ben. She n
eeded to make some serious decisions soon because things were moving fast with Ben, and she had to decide if she was ready to take the step toward him.

  He hadn’t said anything different, hadn’t acted any different, or even put pressure on their relationship. But she knew enough about him by now—and his family. His family was close, closer knit than anything she had ever witnessed. He was slowly pulling her into his life. She wanted to be part of that life—wished to be part of it more than anything she had wished for in her adult life.

  Those fears that had lingered in her mind for years had to be pushed back first though. Fears of being left alone again if things didn’t work out. It was too early to even know right now. For as much as she knew about him, there was still plenty that she didn’t. Surprisingly, she wanted to. She wanted to know what made him tick, what made him move, and what made him into the man he was today.

  He hadn’t talked about Trent at all since that one night a week ago when he had a nightmare. But one other night he was mumbling in his sleep, whispered sounds, urgent sounds, and she swore she heard Trent’s name.

  There was definitely something going on there. He was good at hiding whatever it was. Nevertheless, she saw. She had a feeling Kaitlin did too, and that was what Kaitlin had meant weeks ago when she said she hoped Presley helped Ben heal.

  Presley was good at keeping secrets. She had plenty of them herself, which was why she sensed that Ben did also.

  Besides the situation with Trent, whatever that might be, Presley had a feeling there were more secrets that Ben had. Secrets about his past in the service that no one knew about and would never know.

  So until she could get a grasp on them, or how he was handling them, she was going to stay one step back regardless. She didn’t need to take on someone else’s past, not when hers was enough to overwhelm her as it was.