Twilight of the Star Vampires (Set of Books 1-3):A Parody of the Twilight Saga, Star Wars and Star Trek

by Paula Sunsong

  “How do you think the Trade guild Viceroy will deal with the decree to end the blockade?”

  “These guild types are cowards, negotiations with be short.”

  “Get the hell out of my office!” said the Viceroy after Quitegone had summarized their demands. Maybe he should have left off the demand that all Viceroys dress as drag queens in the future. It struck too close to home, as the Viceroys’ gown and headdress were hardly masculine.

  “Let’s speak to the Queen of Nabiscko,” said Quitegone after they left the Viceroy’s office, “and see if we can make sense of the blockade negotiations on the planet, while helping ourselves to aged cookies in plastic packages.”

  “Yum,” said Obegone, as Jetti rations were getting boring. The Jetti boarded their ship and blasted off towards Nabiscko.

  Edward’s ship shuddered as a tractor beam grabbed it.

  “Damn! They found me so quickly this time,” said Edward flipping switches on the pilot’s controls. His communications system was being hailed by the enemy ship. Spocko’s face appeared.

  “Spocko,” spat out Edward. “What a surprise. I would think after all this time, you would tire of chasing me.”

  “Do not resist the tractor’s force, or it may damage your ship’s life support systems,” said Spocko. “We want you unharmed.”

  “Eat me,” said Edward. Centuries of being chased by Spocko and the Vulcanturi had worn his patience thin. He put all the ship’s energy into the engines, as Spocko would expect, but then he secretly activated the plasma torpedoes. The torpedoes were not standard issue for a ship as small as Edward’s ship. They were a special addition he had added for circumstances just like this one.

  “I would not eat another vampire,” said Spocko is his cool, logical voice.

  “Then eat this.” Edward targeted the power generator on Spocko’s ship. He punched the fire button, and watched the torpedo explode on the side of Spocko’s ship. It would cripple his ship, although only temporarily. Knowing the ingenuity of Spocko, he would have backup systems in place. Soon, the Vulcanturi would be pursuing Edward again.

  Edward piloted his starship towards the Nabiscko system. There, in the chaos of the Trade Federation’s war, perhaps he could lose Spocko for good.

  The Trade Federation’s view screen turned from black into waves like those from a pebble thrown into a lake. In the waves, a figure on a throne appeared. She was a woman dressed in red velvet and gold, her hair elaborately coiled, her face painted in white makeup with a red dab in the middle of her bottom lip.

  “It’s the Queen herself calling,” said the Trade Viceroy to his assistant. “She must be calling to surrender. At last we will win this blockade, and all of Nabiscko’s snack empire will be ours.” The Trade Viceroy addressed the view screen. “Queen Alldolla, we are honored by your call.”

  “You will not be so honored when you hear what I have to say,” said Queen Paddymay Alldolla. “Your blockade has ended. The senate has sent ambassadors to settle this dispute. I hear they are aboard your ship now.”

  “Ambassadors? What ambassadors?” said the Viceroy with a straight face. “I don’t know about any stinking ambassadors.”

  “You ignore the Senate’s ambassadors? Be careful, Viceroy, you go too far,” said Queen Alldolla.

  “We would not do anything illegal,” purred the Viceroy. “Come aboard our ship. We can talk this over.”

  “And become a hostage? I think not,” said the Queen. “I will stay here and protect my people.” She signed off, and the view screen waved back into darkness.

  “Call Lord Insidious,” said the Viceroy to his assistant. “Let him know two Jetti are trying to force a compromise.”

  A heavily cloaked figure appeared on the view screen. The Viceroy and his staff bowed to him.

  “Greetings, Lord Insidious, our plans…”

  “Why have you called me?” demanded Lord Insidious.

  “Two Jetti have come to my ship to force an end to the blockade,” said the Viceroy. “I kicked them out of my office.”

  “You let the Jetti go?” snarled Insidious. “Destroy them. Invade Nabiscko. We must control the snack trade routes, or else we will fail to control at all.”

  “Yes, Lord Insidious,” said the Viceroy. “But will people buy snacks from an invader?”

  “Capture the Queen, and force her to sign a treaty legitimizing the invasion.”

  “Yes, Lord Insidious. It shall be done!”

  Approaching the Nabiscko system, Edward was monitoring communication transmissions. His special equipment could detect and decode signals beyond the reach of most receivers. Having lived over 300 years, he had picked up a few tricks along the way. Edward caught the image of Queen Alldolla as she was speaking to the Trade Viceroy.

  “What a strong woman,” said Edward gazing at her steely, yet beautiful eyes. He was disappointed when her image faded, only to be replaced by the repulsive Lord Insidious. He listened with growing anger, as he heard their evil plans.

  “The Queen is in danger, I must help her.” Edward piloted his ship towards the capital city of Nabiscko. Even as his ship moved to land on Nabiscko, he could see the Viceroy’s battle ships moving towards the small, defenseless planet.

  Planet Nabiscko was a beautiful world of lakes, meadows, and majestic trees. The capital city was reminiscent of Renaissance Venice. On Nabiscko, Queen Alldolla met with her advisory council in the palace. Using the holographic communicator, they were talking with Senator Palpitate, the Nabiscko representative in the Republic’s Senate.

  “I had assurances the Jetti were sent to end the blockade,” said the hologram of Senator Palpitate. “The head Chancellor said…” The signal went fuzzy then disappeared entirely.

  “Queen Alldolla, communications are out,” said the Nabiscko general Panache. “It’s the work of the Trade Federation. We must attack them.”

  “We must continue to rely on negotiations,” said Queen Alldolla.

  “We can enlist the elves into the military and use them to attack the Trade Federation.”

  “I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war,” said the Queen.

  “Ah, come on,” said the general. “Please, just a little war.”

  “No.”

  “Just an itsy bitsy little war?”

  “No.”

  “Humph.”

  “Our strength lies in our commerce. Continue producing crackers and cookies,” said the Queen. “Are the elves still working?”

  “Yes, my queen. The giant trees still hold their bakeries.”

  “Good, Nabiscko will continue to be a snack leader. I will travel to the Republic’s Senate, and demand they remove the blockade.” Queen Paddy Alldolla rose up from her throne. “The Senate will not be able to deny me if I go in person. They would never dare. If the Senate does not end this trade blockade, they will never see another mint Milano cookie again.”

  “Yes, then the senate will see the gravity of this matter,” said General Panache.

  “This isn’t the spaceport,” said Obegone after Quitegone had landed their Jetti ship. “It’s a parking lot.”

  “I’m landing in a less obvious place, next to these big trees,” said Quitegone. “The spaceport is not far away, and the angry Trade Viceroy will have more difficulty locating our ship here.”

  “Our location may be less obvious to the Trade Viceroy, but it’s less obvious how to get to the palace,” said Obegone. “We don’t have maps of this city.”

  “We will ask a local person for directions.”

  Obegone glowered. “Jetti men don’t ask for directions.”

  “Calm yourself, my friend. I’ll do the asking.”

  Obegone grumbled but stopped arguing the point.

  On disembarking, they admired a tree that was 40 feet across.

  “These trees are huge, they even have doors and windows!” said Obegone. The Jetti marveled at the sight. “Do people live inside the trees?”

  “They wor
k within the trees,” said a creature stepping out from behind a bush where she had blended in with the plants. Obegone turned and saw a short, rounded woman with pointy ears. Her green and brown clothing matched the color of the surrounding bushes.

  “Why, you are…”

  “An Elf,” said the woman holding out her hand. “Jaja Dinks is my name.”

  “I’m Quitegone and this is Obegone,” said Quitegone shaking the Elf’s hand. “You work inside the tree?”

  “It’s a Keepler cookie plant. We elves make the cookies.” Jaja opened her green shoulder bag. There was a rattle of a plastic package, and Jaja held out a crumbly chocolate chip cookie to each Jetti. “Here have one.”

  Obegone sniffed suspiciously at the cookie, suspecting a Trade Federation trick. He looked at Quitegone.

  “Delicious,” said Quitegone taking a big bite. Seeing that Quitegone didn’t keel over dead, Obegone also took a bite of his cookie.

  “Nabiscko cookies are known throughout the galaxy. Sometimes we add magic herbs and spices to the cookies.”

  “Magic cookies?” said Obegone.

  “Elves know magic. Some elves are very powerful magicians. I’m in training to become a magician,” said Jaja smiling. “Do you want some milk with that? We have fresh milk in the tree’s kitchen.”

  “Milk and cookies are a perfect combination,” said Quitegone. “You have farms nearby?”

  “We milk the local animals. We have fresh skunk milk.”

  “Then again, we’re short on time. We’d better pass on the skunk milk,” said Quitegone brushing cookie crumbs from his mouth. “We must speak to the Queen. How do we get to the palace?”

  “Queen Alldolla has left the palace. Her royal limousine passed by me on its way to the spaceport. I’ll show you the way.”

  Jaja led them down a path running parallel to the road. “I collect magic herbs in the woods near here.”

  “Master, should we trust this creature?” whispered Obegone moving closer to Quitegone. “Yodama said there are evil creatures with pointy ears we should avoid.”

  “Yodama was speaking of the Vulcanturi--the Vampire Vullcans,” said Quitegone. “The Vulcanturi and the evil Jetti known as the Dark Rip are the biggest threats to the Jetti council.”

  “I have heard rumors of the Rip, but not detailed accounts,” said Obegone.

  “It is not something the Jetti like to talk about. The Jetti Order has existed for over 1500 years. We had a thousand years of peace, but 500 years ago, one Jetti was not satisfied with his lot.”

  “Sounds familiar,” murmured Obegone, scratching at his itchy Jetti robe.

  “This Jetti was dissatisfied with more than the Jetti fashion sense, or lack thereof, as you would put it. He wanted power for power’s sake, not to use it for good. Power was like a drug to him, and he wanted more and more of it. He was never satisfied.”

  “Sounds like some of our cookie customers. They can eat the whole package and open another one,” said Jaja, who had moved closer to listen to Quitegone’s story. As an herbalist, she liked folklore. Quitegone’s story reminded her of herbal lore and magical tales.

  “The evil Jetti’s name was Dark Banne. Banne thought the dark side of the farce was more powerful than the light side. He was thrown out by the Jetti council, and vowed revenge. Banne founded his own order called the Dark Rip.”

  “Why are they called the Dark Rip?”

  “Some say it is because the Dark Rips can rip apart the energies of the farce. Others say it is because they can rip Jetti apart.” Quitegone looked at Obegone’s creased forehead. “Don’t worry, Vulcanturi and Rips are far from here.”

  “Let us hope so, Master. Will the Jetti never have peace again?”

  “There is a Jetti prophecy that speaks of the chosen one. The farce will create him; he will have no father. He will come and balance the universal forces of good and evil, bringing harmony to all.”

  Edward landed his ship in the spaceport of the capital city. He had beaten the slower moving Trade Federation battle cruisers, but there was not much time before they would come for the Queen. With super vampire speed, he ran from his ship towards the palace. He didn’t get far before spotting a group, clothed in rich attire. In the middle was the beautiful Queen.

  Queen Alldolla and her entourage had arrived at the spaceport, to board her royal ship. A shadow passed over them, and Queen Alldolla looked up. A massive Trade battleship dropped down from above, blotting out the sun.

  “We must hurry, the invasion has begun,” said the Nabiscko General. “The Queen must escape to her ship.”

  The huge Trade Federation battleship landed with the force of an earthquake. The shock wave sent the Queen and her advisors struggling to stay on their feet. Queen Alldolla grabbed onto a lamppost to steady herself.

  A large ramp descended from the Trade Federation battleship. Strange vehicles rolled down the ramp, armed with battering rams, nets and stun cannons. Following the vehicles, battle droids shaped like gerbil balls rolled out of the Trade battleship. One of the Trade Federation tanks targeted the Queen’s group, and moved towards them.

  “There’s the Queen, get her,” snapped the Trade Federation tank commander.

  “Run, your highness,” said the Nabiscko General Panache seeing the tank veering towards them.

  Queen Alldolla tried to pick up her heavy velvet skirts and run. The tank sped up and gave chase. In moments it was almost upon the Queen’s entourage. The general and advisors scattered. The Queen tripped on her skirt.

  The tank bore down on her. It was only a few feet away.

  “Stop! You could hit the Nabiscko Queen. We are ordered to capture, not kill,” said the tank commander to the driver.

  “Sorry commander,” said the driver. “We can’t stop quickly.”

  “Get back!” yelled Edward. Just before the tank would have hit the Queen, Edward leaped in front of her. Shoving his arm out, he stopped the vehicle with one hand, crumpling in the tank’s side.

  Alldolla gasped, staring in disbelief at Edward, and at the damage he had done to the metal side of the tank.

  “You must be immensely strong,” she said. “Who are you?”

  He held out his hand. “I’m Edward Cullet.”

  She put her hand in his. “I’m Queen Paddymay Alldolla.”

  His eyes met hers and held the gaze. “Quick, you must come with me to be safe,” said Edward pulling the Queen Alldolla in the direction of his spaceship.

  “He’s trying to kidnap the Queen,” cried General Panache, who popped out from behind the dumpster where he’d been hiding.

  “We’ll save her,” said Quitegone walking into the area from a side street. Obegone and Jaja were beside him.

  “Who are you?” said the General.

  “I am Quitegone, and this is my apprentice, Obegone. The Jetti council sent us to negotiate an end to the blockade.”

  “Your negotiations failed,” said the General dryly.

  Inside the Trade Federation tank, the soldiers had recovered from the impact with Edward, and were trying to turn the stun cannons in the Queen’s direction.

  “We have to get out of here,” said Edward tugging on Queen Alldolla’s hand. He was strong enough to pull her to his ship easily, but did not want to force her. “I have a ship. We can use it to escape."

  “Let her go,” said Obegone pulling out his light sword. “Or face the consequences.”

  “I just dented a tank. What do you think you can do to stop me?” Edward laughed mirthlessly.

  “Try me.”

  “Careful, Obegone, anyone that strong must be a Rip,” said Quitegone.

  “What is a Rip?” Queen Alldolla pulled her hand from Edward’s hand. Edward felt disappointed as her warm hand left his.

  “A Rip is an evil Jetti. They get their power from the dark side of the farce.”

  “He saved me, he can’t be evil,” said Queen Alldolla, looking at Edward.

  Edward shook his head. “I’m not a Rip
.”

  “Then what are you?” said Quitegone.

  Edward frowned. Explaining he was a vampire would not further his cause.

  “Look out!” said Obegone.

  Battle droids shaped like gerbil balls rolled up. They opened up and began blasting with stun guns. One hit the general, and flattened him. Quitegone began expertly blocking the stun bolts with his light sword. Edward moved to protect Alldolla, but a droid came between him and the queen. He punched it before it could shoot him, while Alldolla grabbed the unconscious general and dragged him to safety behind the dumpster.

  “Come with me,” said Obegone slinging the general over his shoulder, and nodding to the Queen. Queen Alldolla looked back at Edward.

  “What about Edward? The droids will hurt him,” said Alldolla.

  “He can handle himself,” said Obegone dryly.

  Edward turned towards Alldolla. With his enhanced vampire hearing, Edward had heard her speak.

  “Don't worry about me. Go, get to safety.” Edward yelled to Alldolla. “I’ll finish off the droids.”

  Obegone and Alldolla ran towards the Jetti ship, and away from Edward. Quitegone turned and ran after them, leaving Edward to tackle the remaining battle droids alone.

  Edward leapt into the air and landed on one droid, smashing it to pieces. He ripped the arm off another droid. By the time he was done destroying the droids, Queen Alldolla was almost out of sight. A stun cannon blast exploded into the pavement next to him. The battle vehicle was operational again, and it was targeting him.

  I’ll draw the battle vehicle away from the Queen, thought Edward. He ran in the opposite direction from Queen Alldolla. The Jetti will get her to safety. I hope we meet again, oh beautiful Queen.

  The Trade battle vehicle rolled after him, firing off occasional rounds, which Edward easily dodged. When he thought the Queen was safely away, he put on a burst of vampire speed, which left the battle vehicle far behind. Edward ran back to his own ship, with images of Alldolla’s eyes haunting him as he went.

  Queen Alldolla and the Jetti hurried up the ramp to Quitegone’s ship.