Twilight of the Star Vampires (Set of Books 1-3):A Parody of the Twilight Saga, Star Wars and Star Trek

by Paula Sunsong

  Edward had been one of the first to arrive, and he had set up the coffee. After getting coffee, everyone sat in a circle.

  “Hello, everyone,” said William the facilitator.

  “Hello,” the rest of the circle chorused.

  “How is everyone today? Feeling cravings? Any crisis or backsliding?”

  The biker raised his hand.

  “Vlad, do you want to talk about it?”

  “Hi, I’m Vlad and I’m an addict.”

  “Hi, Vlad,” chorused the circle goers.

  “Man, I was doing well. I’d gone for 30 days without, you know. But K.D. Lang has it right, it’s a ‘Constant Craving’. I was fighting the craving. I went into a bar. This dude started picking a fight with me. He was a real jerk, harassing the bartender—she’s Julie with the big blue eyes. She’s real nice. He told me to step outside, where we could settle this, mano a mano, so I had to do it. He tried to punch me in the mouth, so I, you know.”

  The rest of the circle leaned in closer.

  “So I bit him! There was blood everywhere--how could I resist?”

  There was a collective sigh at the description of blood.

  “What vintage?” asked the dark haired woman.

  “French, in his 20s.”

  “Ooo, la, la,” said the woman. Others chuckled.

  “Yes, that was a good year for blood,” said Ian, a thin, pale man who smacked his lips.

  The dark haired woman raised her hand.

  “Natasha, do you want to share your story with us?” said William.

  “Hi, I’m Natasha, and I’m an addict.’

  “Hi, Natasha,” chorused the group.

  “I did resist for several weeks. I was detoxing at a spa. They do great facials with cucumbers and yogurt.” Natasha’s pale, flawless skin looked like it needed nothing to improve it. Natasha cocked her head to one side. “At midnight I went to one of the outdoor mineral baths. I was so relaxed, leaning back, looking at the stars. Then HE joined me. He was a model, turned actor. He was suntanned with six pack abs. His arms were so lean and muscled, it made his veins pop out. They were really visible, running along his arms. Yum!”

  “Oh, yeah, that’s a hard one to resist,” said Vlad.

  “He leaned in to kiss me, and I kissed him back, with my teeth.”

  Hearing Natasha’s story, several people smiled, displaying fangs.

  Edward raised his hand.

  “Yes, Edward, do you want to share?” said William, the facilitator.

  “Hi, I’m Edward, and I’m a vampire.”

  “Hi, Edward,” said the group. Natasha batted her eyelashes at him.

  “I’ve been a vegetarian vampire for 80 years, with no backsliding.”

  There was a round of applause.

  “I met a woman,” said Edward a smile playing across his face as he half closed his eyes in remembrance. “She’s beautiful, and intelligent. She speaks her mind. She saved me from ruthless vampire hunters lead by Van Helsing.”

  Several people in the circle gasped.

  “Not Van Helsing of the un-undead?” said William.

  “The very same.”

  “What happened?” said Natasha.

  “We escaped the dreaded Van Helsing, and went to my castle, but were later separated by the Vulcanturi.”

  “Oh, them.” Natasha frowned.

  “Somebody needs to rip their arms off, and slap them upside the head with them,” said biker Vlad, cracking his knuckles.

  “That’s already been tried,” said William. “Are you going back to find her?”

  “I’m afraid of putting her in danger from the Vulcanturi.”

  “There must be a way for two lovers to reunite,” said Natasha.

  “I’ll find a way, some how,” said Edward. “I will be with her, again. We had children together—twins. I got a distress signal from my daughter on my charmed ring, but a Vulcanturi stole the ring to go after her. I need help finding her before the Vulcanturi kidnap her.”

  “We’ll help you!” said Vlad.

  “Absolutely,” said Natasha.

  “We’re here for you,” said William. “Let’s close the Vampire Anonymous meeting, then meet at the spaceport to plan our strategy to find your daughter. Please, everyone stand and say the serenity prayer.”

  The circle of vampires stood and held hands. They chanted together.

  “Universe, grant me the serenity to not bite somebody’s head off, even if they deserve it, except to protect ourselves and others from harm, and the wisdom to know the difference.” The circle of vampires smiled at each other, and swung their hands together like two little girls running through a park. “Keep coming back, it works!”

  “Thanks for attending Vampires Anonymous,” said William folding up chairs and placing them against the wall.

  The circle broke up. Natasha, Vlad and Edward exited together. Natasha smiled at Vlad, and he offered her a ride. She climbed onto the hover motorcycle. Vlad threw a leg over his bike and looked at Edward.

  “See you at the spaceport!” said Vlad. Natasha winked, and they roared off into the darkness on the bike.

  Chapter 36 Trench war

  The Amazon Falcon landed on the Rebel base’s dock. The Rebel leaders were overjoyed when Lela delivered the schematic plans of the Dearth Star to them.

  “Soon the Dearth Star will be nothing but dust,” said the Rebel fleet commander.

  After examining the plans, the rebels concluded the Dearth Star had two weaknesses. One weakness was a garbage chute at the end of a long trench guarded by canons. To destroy the Dearth Star in this way would take precise flying and shooting. It would mean many spacecraft crashes and explosions. The Dearth Star had another weakness: its unprotected engines. One simple shot would cause them to implode, leaving the Dearth Star harmlessly drifting in space. The rebels choose the flashier plan with many explosions.

  “We will destroy the Dearth Star by flying down the narrow guarded trench and shooting at a small garbage chute,” said the Rebel fleet commander. “Prepare to leave.”

  Luck, proudly dressed in his Rebel pilot orange jumpsuit, stood next to his assigned ship. Princess Lela hugged him.

  “Come back in one piece,” said Lela affectionately rubbing Luck’s head with her knuckles.

  “Hey, knock off the kid stuff. I’m a rebel pilot now,” said Luck putting on his helmet to protect himself from Lela. He boarded his ship and Lela returned to the control center.

  “The Dearth Star has hyperwarped into our solar system,” said a Rebel tech when Lela entered the control center. The Dearth Star had pursued Princess Lela and the crew of the Amazon Falcon through space and was nearing the Rebel base. “Only a few minutes remain before the base will be in range of the Dearth Star’s canon.”

  “Rebel fleet,” said Lela over the radio. “The Dearth Star is approaching. Prepare for takeoff.”

  Standing in the corner of the control center, Spocko watched the rebels and wished he had been able to persuade Lela to abandon them. At least he had persuaded her to not fly a starfighter in the upcoming battle.

  A fleet of Rebel spaceships rose into the sky and careened towards the Dearth Star. Dark Cater, snug as a bug in a rug, sat in the pilot seat of his starfighter and waited for the Rebel ships to arrive.

  “This will be like shooting ducks in a barrel,” snickered Cater.

  “Red Leader, here. Are all Units ready?” said the Rebel fleet commander.

  “Red one standing by,” said a Rebel pilot.

  “Red two standing by,” said a second Rebel pilot.

  “Red three standing by.”

  “Tie-dye, standing by,” said a mellow voice. A colorful space van covered with paintings of flowers and peace signs flew into formation with the rebel fleet. “Permission to join the fight, requested.”

  “We’ll take everyone we can get,” said the Rebel fleet commander.

  “Space hippies, I hate space hippies. Black Goth wear is so much more fashionable,”
said Dark Cater smoothing out his black ensemble, with his black gloved hand.

  The rebel fleet closed in on the Dearth Star. Canons on the Dearth Star’s surface opened fire.

  “Canon fire at 90 degrees,” said the Rebel commander. “Stay low!”

  Luck crouched down while sitting on his pilot seat.

  “I’m going in. Cover me, Red Two,” said Red one pilot. His ship dove down into the trench.

  Dark Cater giggled and began firing at Red one. He clipped a wing, and the rebel ship somersaulted into space.

  “Peace out, Empire dude,” said the hippie pilot over the radio.

  “Go choke on your love beads,” growled Cater. He punched the mute button and continued to fire at rebel ships. Each rebel starfighter tried to fly the trench and found its way stopped by Cater, or by the canons on the surface of the Dearth Star. Finally only the hippie van spaceship and Luck’s ship remained.

  “We’ve got to destroy the Dearth Star,” said the Rebel Commander. “The rebel base will be in its canon sights in just two minutes.”

  “I’ll do it,” said the hippie pilot. “Noooo problem. Don’t’ worry. Be happy.” The hippie van flew into the trench.

  “I am NOT going to lose to a hippie van,” said Cater, targeting the center of a big peace sign on the side of the van. He pulled on the trigger and the hippie van spun out of the trench.

  “Tie-dye, are you hit?” said the Rebel commander.

  “No, my dreadlocks just got caught in the steering wheel,” said the hippie pilot. “It’ll be a few minutes before I untangle them. I knew I should have used conditioner to make them silky and smooth.”

  “Uh, copy that,” said the Rebel Commander. “It’s up to you, Luck. You’re our last hope.”

  “Righto,” said Luck. He nosed his starfighter into the trench. His ship sped along, as canon fire rained down.

  Carter targeted Luck’s ship. “This one is strong in the farce. It’s a shame to waste him,” said Cater as he slowly squeezed the trigger. The blast exploded inches from Luck’s left wing. Luck’s teeth chattered with fear, as his ship veered off course.

  “That was close!” said the Rebel Commander. “Keep going Luck, you’ve almost got it.”

  “I can’t do it. The wing is damaged and the ship’s not flying straight!” said Luck struggling with the joystick to hold his ship level.

  “Luck, use the farce,” said a voice in Luck’s head.

  “Huh,” said Luck looking around, taking his eyes off the controls. Luck’s spaceship drifted even further off course and scraped the side of the trench with a squeal. “Whoops!” He corrected the spaceship’s path.

  “Luck, be careful!”

  “Who is that? Quit distracting me.”

  “Who do you think it is? The Avon lady? It’s your Jetti Master, Obegone.”

  “Obegone, I can hear you, but I can’t see you.”

  “I can transmit my voice over many miles, across the void.”

  “How can you do that?”

  “It’s called radio.”

  “But I thought you were dead. I saw you disappear when Cater attacked you.”

  “I fell off the walkway. I had a concussion and didn’t wake up for a couple days. You must destroy the Dearth Star. You can do this. Use the farce, Luck. Trust your feelings.”

  “Oh, I’m glad you brought that up, my therapist says that I should explore my feelings. In fact, she said I’m still angry at my father for…”

  “No, not those feelings, the other ones.”

  “I feel like going home.”

  “Try again.”

  “I feel like getting a pizza.”

  “Give attention to your feelings to direct your ship,” said Obegone.

  “Okay.” Luck let go of the controls.

  “Pay attention to your driving!”

  “You said to pay attention to my feelings.”

  “Never mind your feelings. Watch your driving. Use the farce to aim your laser gun.”

  “Yes, Master Obegone.” Luck furrowed up his brow and concentrated. He shot off his laser cannon at the weak spot in the Dearth Star. It missed.

  “Try again,” said Obegone.

  Luck shot again and missed. Dark Cater’s ship closed in on Luck’s ship. In a few seconds Cater would have Luck in his sights. Cater’s fingers tightened on the trigger and bam! Love beads flew into Dark Cater’s windshield and targeting radar.

  “I told you to peace out, man,” said the hippie pilot. “I got my dreads untangled. Now let the Rebel dude destroy your death machine.” The hippie pilot shot more love beads out his canon, and jammed up Cater’s targeting radar device.

  “Arrrgghhh. Not hippies. I hate space hippies,” cried Cater punching his targeting buttons to no avail.

  “Dark Cater is distracted," said Obegone. "Keep trying to hit the Dearth Star's weak spot. Luck, aim higher."

  Luck aimed higher and missed.

  “Aim lower.”

  “Yes, Master Obegone,” said Luck, aiming again.

  Ten tries later, the laser bolt accidentally bounced off a turret and went in. The blast slid down the garbage chute, into the heart of the Dearth Star.

  The Dearth Star imploded in on itself. Its not death dealing rays turned on the Dearth Star. The rays that turn human-made structures into natural structures bombarded the Imperial spacestation. Metal walls turned into rock walls. Walkways turned into dirt paths. Water pipes turned into streams. A waterfall tumbled down the interior and was flanked by redwood trees.

  The Imperial General looked down as the battle computer turned into a tree stump and a rabbit hopped onto it. The rabbit calmly groomed its floppy ears.

  “How horrible! It can’t be true!” The general looked down at his own uniform, which was turning into a leaf skirt.

  After blowing up the Dearth Star. Luck called Obegone on the radio. “I did it! I did it! What do I do now?”

  “You must continue your training,” said Obegone.

  “Great, you’ll continue to teach me?”

  “Been there. Done that. I’ll send you to Jetti Master Yodama. He’ll know what to do with you.”

  Obegone gave Luck directions to Yodama’s swamp planet.

  “Are you just trying to get rid of me?” said Luck.

  “What? No! Never!” said Obegone. “Yodama likes swamps. He calls them the gourmet ghetto because he likes the taste of frog’s legs. Have a good journey, Luck. I’m off to find Brun. Brun doesn’t know I’m alive yet. I’m going to give her the surprise of her life!”

  Luck radioed Lela. He said he had to go to a secret Jetti rendezvous, which sounded better than saying he was going to a swamp planet. Then he piloted towards the swamp planet and the mysterious Yodama.

  Dark Cater flew his starfighter away from the doomed Dearth Star. Some of the fallout still reached him, and his helmet was growing bonsai sized trees.

  “Impressive use of the farce,” said Cater to himself as he plucked the bonsai trees off his helmet. “I must turn Luck Stywalker to the Dark Side. With our powers combined together, nothing can stop us.” Dark Cater laughed evilly as he thought of all the things he could do with the ultimate power he and Luck would wield.

  Book 3 Chapter 37 The Cave of Destiny

  Luck tried using his farce powers to land on the swamp planet, like he had used his powers to destroy the Dearth Star. The starfighter crashed into the swamp and slide 100 yards, causing a green mud wave in the shallow water. It came to a stop and his jet fighter sunk into the muck almost to the cockpit.

  “Damn!” said Luck climbing out of the cockpit. He sat on the roof of the starfighter and looked at the depressing conglomeration of moss, vines and water logged trees. He wrinkled his nose at the fetid smell of rotting plants.

  Finally, hunger and boredom drove him to jump from his ship to a nearby tree root. Luck was on a small patch of land. Across a wide expanse of water stretched the shore. Luck looked up at the tree next to him. A vine dangled down. Luck smiled and th
ought of the Tarzan movies he’d watched.

  “Ahhh-ahhh-ahhhh!” yelled Luck as he swung across the water on the vine. The vine snapped midway, and dumped Luck into the water, splashing a short green creature holding a frog. The creature had come to see what had crashed.

  Dripping, Luck stood up and saw the little green creature that fit Obegone’s description of Yodama.

  “Yodama! My new Master! I’m glad I could find you!” said Luck holding out a slime covered hand to Yodama. Yodama kept hold of his frog and stared at Luck. “This swamp is huge and my starfighter is stuck,” continued Luck “I don’t know if I can get it out. Obegone sent me to train with you.”

  Yodama did not shake Luck’s hand, as even a frog eating creature has its hygiene. “I am Yodama. So Obegone has sent you to me?” Luck nodded. Yodama looked Luck up and down. “I may or may not teach you. You must let go of fear to be a Jetti.”

  “I can be a Jetti,” said Luck. “I’m not afraid.”

  “No, but I am,” said Yodama.

  “I’ll work hard,” said Luck.

  “Very well, I will train you, as a favor to Obegone. Come.” Yodama looked at Luck’s wet clothing. “First you will change into Jetti robes. I have them back at my home.”

  Yodama led Luck along the shoreline to a four foot high hut made of tree branches and leaves. He handed Luck a burlap blanket to use as a robe.

  “Frog leg?” said Yodama offering a plate to Luck.

  “Do you have Spaghetti Os instead?” said Luck “I’ll just eat them cold from the can.”

  “I have never heard of this O shaped food,” said Yodama. “Have some cold eel.”

  “Eel?”

  “Like swamp snake.”

  Luck gulped.

  Yodama started training Luck by having him run through the swamp with Yodama on his back.

  “Beware of the dark side,” said Yodama. “Once you start down the dark side, forever it will dominate your path.”

  “Is the dark side stronger?”

  “In your case, probably.”

  “Am I carrying you around on my back to strengthen me?”

  “No, I don’t feel like walking.”