Ruined

by Hanna, Rachel

  "You think it would be okay to date my own step brother? It wouldn't be gross?"

  "If you don't date him, I will break in here and molest him myself!" she says laughing.

  "Shhh...." I try to calm her down, but finally have to relocate our conversation outside.

  "So, where did he move here from?"

  "Atlanta."

  "College?"

  "No. Prison." Emmy drops her glass and it shatters on the sun porch floor.

  "Sorry... I'll clean this up..." she says.

  "It's okay..." I start picking up glass.

  "Prison? He didn't kill someone did he?"

  "Three people. When he was seventeen. It was accidental. He was drinking and driving."

  "Oh, wow. How terrible. But he seems so nice..."

  "Emmy, he is nice. People make mistakes. Sometimes big, life ending mistakes. He deserves a second chance." Suddenly, I'm all too aware that I don't hold myself to the same standard. I don't plan to give myself a second chance.

  "Still, those three people didn't get a second chance," she says, and it pisses me off a bit.

  "No, they didn't. And that's terrible. But they can't be brought back to life. He did the time he was required to do, but should he serve a life sentence even on the outside? Does he deserve to live a horrible life now? What purpose would that serve? Doesn't it do the victims a disservice if a fourth life is lost in all of this?"

  "I guess so..." she says softly. "Sorry if I made you mad, Willow."

  "I'm not mad," I lie. "But I think everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. He's a good person, and I don't think you could ever punish him as much as he punishes himself every day in his own mind and heart."

  "Can we talk about something else?" she asks with a slight smile.

  "Of course."

  "You and Reed Miller. You are a hottie magnet!" she said grinning.

  "Nothing going on there."

  "Liar, liar pants on fire!"

  "Well, nothing is going to happen."

  "And why is that?"

  "Because we're friends, and that is all it ever needs to be."

  Chapter 13

  We finish chatting and Emmy continues her run down the beach as I wave from the porch. When I walk back into the house, I go upstairs to change out of my swimsuit. I hear Kellan talking, and then I realize he's talking to himself. Or someone who isn't there.

  I peek around the corner into his room. He has Facebook on the computer screen, and I see a young man's photo. Jake is the only part of it that I can see, and then I realize that it's the friend he injured in the crash.

  He's mumbling so I cannot hear what he's saying, but it appears he is talking to Jake. Why not call him? Or message him on Facebook? And then my stomach growls.

  Kellan swiftly turns around and has anger in his eyes. He looks like he's been crying.

  "Were you eavesdropping?" he says standing up.

  "No, of course not. I heard you talking and just peeked in..."

  "Well, maybe you shouldn't just peek into people's rooms!" he says standing up and pointing at me.

  "Kellan, the door was open..."

  He takes a deep breath and sits on the edge of his bed. I stand there without talking or moving until he speaks.

  "He almost died. I remember his scream right before we hit. His scream woke me up, but it was too late. I couldn't stop, Willow. There were lights and then this loud sound of metal crunching and crashing. And then the horn. I don't know why, but the horn wouldn't stop blaring, and my head hurt. I hit the windshield and cut my forehead, but Jake was gone. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt. We were both so drunk, Willow. I didn't see them. I swear..." He leans over and runs his fingers through his hair and a moan escapes his lips. "I can't get the image out of my mind. It just replays over and over. The prison psychiatrist calls it PTSD. I don't sleep well. I still see those babies. And their mother..."

  I don't know what to say, so I just walk across the room and sit down next to him. He's a big beast of a man, but right now he seems so small. How alone he must feel. I know the feeling.

  "Have you talked to Jake since then?" I ask him quietly.

  "How could I? What could I say? I destroyed his life too. Five lives ended that night."

  "No, Kel. You're still here. Jake is still here. Your life is different, but it doesn't have to be over." I put my hand on his knee, and he takes it in both of his.

  "You know, you're the first human contact I've had in five years. My father didn't even hug me when he picked me up. He looks at me with anger in his eyes. We were so close before this happened."

  "He'll come around. Bruce is a decent man. He just doesn't know how to reconcile all of this. Before you came home, he even asked me to give you chance so I know he will too."

  "Will you come with me?" he asks looking over at me.

  "Where?"

  "To see Jake. I think I have to start healing this, or I'll never be able to move on." I realize that he's right. I never took the time to heal from my own past, and that's why I can't move on either. The only difference between Kellan and me is that his sin is out there for all the world to see. He can't hide from what he did, but I was allowed to. For a long time, I thought that was a good thing. I thought I could start over, leave it behind. But that idea has backfired on me. Instead of leaving it behind, my past clings to me like quicksand. The harder I try to climb out and away from it, the tighter it grasps me and pulls me back down. Maybe it's like a bandaid. Maybe I should have just pulled it off a long time ago and dealt with the repercussions.

  "I would be honored," I finally say. He puts his arm around me and I lay my head on his big shoulder. It amazes me how close I feel to a person I barely know. We share a past in a strange way, and yet he knows nothing about me.

  "No time like the present, I guess," he says. My eyes widen.

  "You mean right now?"

  "Before I chicken out. Yes. Right now."

  "But doesn't he live in Georgia?"

  "No. His parents split up while I was in prison, and he moved with his father about an hour from here. My father told me that much."

  "Okay. Let's go then. You drive?" he asks. I look like a deer caught in the headlights. "What?"

  "I don't have a license." He looks shocked.

  "Why not?"

  "Just never got around to it, I guess," I lie, but he isn't buying it.

  "Willow, let me help you crawl out from under your own demons," he says softly.

  "I'm too far gone, Kellan. This is your second chance, not mine."

  "You're not too far gone," he says. "If you'd just grab onto me, I would help you swim to shore." I smile gratefully and bump his shoulder.

  "Not ready for that, Kel. Don't know if I ever will be. But thanks."

  Knowing that he doesn't have a license yet either, and that he can't get one for a few months due to his probation, we opt to take another mode of transportation.

  A few minutes later we're in the cab on the way to see Jake, and I don't know why I agreed to this. Kellan seems to make me want to do things I wouldn't normally do. I feel like I've grown years in the last few days, and the feeling is starting to come back into my soul.

  "What was prison like?" I ask out of the blue and Kellan laughs. I'm thankful that he laughs because I thought it might piss him off.

  "Like a five start hotel," he says with a smile.

  "Very funny."

  "Prison is a lot of things. The food sucks. The people suck, except for a couple of them that became friends."

  "You had friends there?"

  "You either make friends or you die, Willow. Someone has to have your back at all times."

  "But you're a big guy..."

  "Big doesn't always matter in prison."

  "What did you do all day?"

  "Not much. Later in my sentence, I was able to do some classes so I would be better prepared for my release. I obviously worked out a lot. But mostly I sat and thought about my life. I had a lot of time to think
about my mistakes and what I wanted to do differently once I got out. It was hard because I was nothing like a lot of the guys there. I didn't grow up without a father or do drugs or murder someone on purpose. I never fit in there, but I had to pretend I did to survive."

  "And Bruce didn't come see you?"

  "Very seldom, and when he did he was distant and angry. The relationship we used to have drifted away over time. I'm just a responsibility to him now, but not a son." He says it in a matter of fact tone, but I know it bothers him a lot. "Prison was lonely, boring and a very dark part of my life. I'd love to wipe my mind clean of the memories I have from it, but that's not going to happen."

  "You saw... bad things... there?" I don't know why I'm prying like this.

  "All the time. My first cell mate was stabbed to death while we were in the yard one day. Apparently, he was from a rival gang of this one guy named Hawk. One minute he was talking to me lifting weights, the next he was dead on the ground."

  "Oh my God, Kellan. I'm so sorry."

  "Don't be. It's a different world in there, Willow. It's like a movie in my mind. It feels unreal, ya know? My cell mate, Mikey, was in prison for killing a woman during a robbery. Some would say he deserved what he got." He shrugs his shoulders, but I know it has to bother him.

  My cell phone rings and I look down to see that it's Reed. Why is he calling me today?

  "Hello?"

  "Willow. Thank God I found you," he says. He sounds frantic.

  "Reed, what's wrong?"

  "It's my brother, Evan."

  "Is he okay?"

  "No. Listen, there's no easy way to say this, but he tried to commit suicide last night. I have to go be with him. Find him the help he needs...."

  "Of course! Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Reed..." I want to hug him, hold him, help him get through this. Why do I have these conflicting feelings for him? Ugh.

  "I need you to run the station."

  "Me? But I don't know how to..."

  "Willow, you know plenty. Give yourself credit. You're amazing." The softness of his voice makes my stomach tumble into a flurry of butterflies. "I trust you." And that does it. He trusts me. Wow.

  "That means a lot to me, Reed," I whisper. "I'm going to be gone all day, but I will be at the station bright and early tomorrow. Okay?"

  "Thanks."

  "And, Reed? Please keep me posted."

  "I will," he says, and I think I hear his voice break before he hangs up.

  I click my cell phone off and stare at my lap for a minute.

  "Everything okay?"

  "Not really. Reed's brother attempted suicide last night. He's heading to Atlanta to get him some help. I have to run the station while he's gone."

  "Wow. Sorry to hear that. He seems like a nice guy."

  "Reed? Yes, he is." I feel my face flushing, and thoughts of our kiss come rushing back.

  "Is something going on between you two?" he asks.

  "No. Well, something did happen the night I met you on the beach, but things went bad quickly."

  "You had sex?" he whispers so our driver can't hear.

  "No! I already told you that we kissed."

  "Relax, I was just asking. I wasn't sure if the kiss went further," he says with a chuckle.

  "I'm not a slut, Kellan."

  "I know that."

  "We kissed, and then I ran away."

  "You normally kiss and run?"

  "I don't normally kiss anyone period."

  "And why is that? Your deep, dark secret?" he says in a low growl.

  "It's not funny."

  "No, it's definitely not. You know what's even less funny? A beautiful woman who has walled herself off because of some past mistake. It can't be as bad as my mistake Willow, and you're not in a real prison. You can break free. Take the shackles off and live your life. It's like you think you don't deserve to live a good life."

  "I don't."

  He doesn't say anything else, and instead he puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me closer. I lay my head down again and try to figure out what I want. To be alone? Reed? Or what if what I want is sitting right next to me? How is that even possible?

  We ride in silence until we approach a long driveway about an hour inland. I can feel Kellan tensing up, and he takes in a deep breath. His jaw clenches, and I wonder what's going through his mind.

  "I'll wait here," I offer.

  "No. I need you there," he says as he pulls my hand. Why does he need me so badly? He doesn't really know me. But if I can help someone else, I will.

  "Okay." He instructs the cab driver to wait and lets him know that he'll pay him for his time. Makes me wonder if Bruce gave him money or he swiped it.

  He continues holding my hand until we reach the front door and then drops it to ring the bell. He looks straight ahead as if he's facing down a enemy. Finally, the door clicks open and a man is standing there. His face finally registers who Kellan is and his eyes open wide.

  "Kellan?" he whispers as if the air has been vacuumed out of his lungs.

  "Bill," Kellan says softly. Bill walks forward, and for a moment I think he might punch or strangle Kellan, but instead he embraces him tightly. Kellan's arms hang by his side for a moment before he grabs the man tightly.

  I stand there quietly until they finally separate, and Kellan introduces me.

  "Come in. Come in," Bill says, his voice shaking as he allows us inside. "When did you get home?"

  "Just a couple of weeks ago."

  "Why didn't you come sooner? Or write us?"

  "Bill, I just couldn't face you. Or Jake." We sit on the sofa, and Kellan inches as close to me as he can as if he needs something stable to connect to. I allow him that.

  "We love you, Kellan. You were like my own son, and Jake was like your brother. He was hurt when you never got in touch."

  "In all fairness, did either of you come to see Kellan in prison?" I ask pointedly. Kellan shoots me an angry look. "Sorry."

  "No, it's a good question, but only Kellan can answer it." I look at him, and he bites his lips.

  "I blocked their contact, Willow. I couldn't handle it. Emotion in prison will get you killed, and I couldn't risk it. I'm sorry, Bill. To you and Jake." Kellan looks around as if he's looking for his friend.

  "Jake isn't here," Bill says. "He's competing today."

  Kellan and I look at each other. "Competing?" we both say simultaneously.

  "Jake competes in races with other paraplegics. He's top in his division, in fact. I'm very proud of him."

  "So am I," Kellan says with a smile. "I couldn't get him to run for anything in high school." Bill and Kellan laugh.

  "No, he was pretty damn lazy in high school, Kellan," Bill says with a hearty chuckle. His white beard and red cheeks momentarily make me think of Santa Claus.

  "Who's lazy?" a female voice asks from the kitchen. A young woman, about Kellan's age, comes out. She's beautiful with dark black hair and brown eyes. I feel an immediate pang of jealousy. I wish I was so exotic and sexy.

  "Your fiance," Bill says as he stands up. "Kel, this is Jake's fiancee, Bria." Kellan's mouth drops open.

  "Fiancee?" he says as he shakes her hand.

  "As of six months ago. We're getting married at Christmas," she says with a smile. I reach up and shake her hand, telling her my name and secretly wishing I had an ounce of her sex appeal.

  "Wow. Looks like Jake has done well for himself," Kellan says. Again, jealousy rears its ugly head and I wonder why. If that's what Kellan finds attractive, I could never measure up to that. Wait. What? I'm not trying to attract Kellan. Am I?

  There's something about the way that Kellen interacts with Bill. It seems to be more of a father and son relationship than he has with Bruce, and that makes me a bit sad. He's such a tough guy on the outside, but I can see that he's a totally different person around Bill and probably Jake too. I wonder how Jake will react to him when he sees him.

  Bill explains that Jake will be back within the hour and that he
's been competing all morning. He gives some background on what Jake has been doing for the last few years, and his girlfriend talks a lot about how they got together. Apparently, Bria worked in the office where Jake got physical therapy after the accident. They became friends, and it progressed over the years until they fell in love. They all seem so normal and welcoming of the man who was driving the car that changed Jake's life forever.