Against All Odds

by Alexia Vella Deguara

“Cassidy I'm not going to talk about this. Any questions you might have or any thing you want to know have to wait till June.”

  I closed my mouth. He kept drinking his tea in silence. I felt really bad. I sat down and kept looking at him. My heart was beating fast, my stomach ached, I felt really attracted to this guy. I really did, but now that I knew that he felt something for me too. I didn't know how to react. I was frightened.

  “Is that why you helped me so much?” I then asked.

  He put down his cup of tea.

  “I helped you because you needed support, and because I don't want you to ruin your future. What I feel has nothing to do with that, If you had been another student I would have done the same. OK?I'm ready we can go if you want.”

  I nodded. I really wanted to spend some time with him but I knew it was wrong. He took me home, it was still raining. I thanked him and went

  inside. I closed the door and leaned against it and cried. I couldn't understand myself anymore. I was so confused. I went to my room and switched on the radio. I didn't want to be in silence. I didn’t want to think. I lay on my bed and stared at the ceiling. Just at that moment the song Hero started playing on the radio. I felt my heart breaking, that was our song, mine and Tyler's. I closed my eyes and thought about when we had danced together, thought about his kisses, the way he held me in his arms. Oh Tyler. I missed him so much. It's been a month since I last saw him, the worst month in my life. I picked up the phone and dialed his number. I wanted to hear his voice, just his voice saying hello. He wouldn't know it was me, he only knew my mobile number. It rang about 3 times than I heard his voice saying hello. I didn't reply and it took me a great deal of effort not to start crying. I heard him saying hello another two times then I hung up. Would I ever be able to forget him?Since that day two months have passed, 3 months without Tyler and I still thought about him every day. I was always so sad and depressed. I felt alone. Lucy was always busy these days and had little time for me and Mr Bayne... Well I had begun to avoid him. Not that I really wanted to. I liked him a lot but it was better this way. I kept away from him. I knew I was hurting him, but I wasn't ready for another relationship. I was still in love with Tyler and knew I would always be. But I couldn't deny that I also missed David. I loved talking to him, spending break time with him. I had also changed the time of my swimming lesson so that I didn't meet him. I felt his gaze on me frequently when we were in class but he never said anything, then one day while I was leaving class he called me..

  “Cassidy can I have a word with you please?”

  “Yes Sir.. OK,” I said feeling my heart beating.

  Was he going to ask me why I was avoiding him?

  I sat down in front of him. I looked at his face, he took off his glasses making me shiver when I met his gaze.

  “We have a problem,” he then just said.

  “We do?”

  “Yes Cassidy. The last five assignments you handed me weren't good,” he said while he grabbed the assignments putting them in front of me. “What's happening Cassidy? Why are you so distracted these days. I know what you have been through but now 3 months have passed.“

  “I know but I can't help it. I'm sorry.”

  “Listen, I haven't graded these but I want you to re-do them. Also I prepared this for you,” he said giving me a booklet.

  “What is this?” I asked

  “It's a book full of exercises and assignments which I want you to do until the end of the year. There are some repetitions so that I'm sure you're understanding. If you have any problems or you don't understand something just ask me OK?”

  “OK,thanks a lot.”

  “You're welcome. You can go now.”

  I looked at him and for a second our eyes met. He was suffering. I knew that, he was so gentle with me and I had really treated him badly.

  “Mr Bayne.”

  “Yes.”

  “I'm sorry”

  “Sorry for what?”

  “For my behavior towards you during these past two months.”

  “You had your reasons to do that. It doesn't matter, don't worry. I understand.”

  He did? Why was he always so calm? If it had been Tyler he would have yelled at me but not Mr Bayne, he always tried to do the best thing. I left his classroom feeling awful. That night Lucy called me to go out but I wasn't in the mood for anything right now. I just wanted to stay alone. I thanked her and refused. Then I decided that I will spend Friday night studying. I took out the booklet Mr Bayne had given me and started doing some exercises.

  “Cas I'm leaving soon.” My mum said. “ How come you're staying in today?”

  “I don't feel like going out and I have a lot to study especially English,” I said.

  “Cas maybe you should find another teacher for the private lessons from where Mr Spencer left off.”

  “Mum I don't need private lessons and then there is Mr Bayne, my school teacher. He is helping me by giving me extra work and all, so I don't need.”

  “OK then. Do you think you'll be OK all

  alone tonight? You know I try to avoid night shifts but today I really have to go.”

  “Mum I'll be fine don't worry.“

  “OK sweetheart. I'm leaving. I left you some chicken to eat and there is a cheesecake in the fridge.”

  “OK mum Thanks.”

  She left and I continued to study, I did two exercises which seemed pretty easy and moved to the next. This one was really difficult and I couldn't understand anything. There were a lot of words I had never heard before. I skipped it and moved to the next, but it was difficult as well. I needed help. I switched on my laptop and decided to send an email to Mr Bayne. He would read it the following morning and maybe reply, I thought. I wrote the email and sent it. To my surprise there was a reply

  immediately. Saying "hello Cassidy,what is a girl like you doing at home on a Friday night?” I replied back and said I was studying English and that I wasn't understanding much. “He sent me a smiley face and said that it would be impossible for him to explain on the computer and that I had to wait till Monday as he wanted to explain in person.” Just at that moment something came into my mind, maybe we could meet. Maybe he could come here or I could go to his house. Maybe- No.. this wasn't a good idea. Why did it even cross my mind? I needed some company right now and I wished to see him. I really did. I was going to type it out, (if we could meet) when I looked at the screen and saw “ unless you want to come here and I explain now,” I couldn't believe he had asked me, my heart missed a beat, but all of a sudden I felt happy.

  “Yes, I'd love to,” I typed immediately.

  “OK then do you want me to come for you. I know you don't drive?”

  “No.. I'll walk,it's a nice evening and it's

  not dark yet so..”

  “As you wish.. see you soon”.

  I closed my laptop and got up. I took a shower hurriedly and dressed up. I felt excited and didn't even know why. I arranged my hair and applied some make up. Took the books and went out. It took me about 20 minutes to arrive. When I was in front of his apartment I felt my heart pounding fast and it took me 2 minutes to find the courage to knock. A few seconds later he opened the door and my heart missed a beat when our eyes met. He was so handsome. He wore a black t-shirt and denim jeans.

  “Hello Cassidy... please come in,” he said with a smile.

  “Hi.”I did.

  “Follow me,we'll stay in the study,” he said while he closed the door and began to walk to his left. His study was nice not so big but full of books and he had a very big desk.

  “This is were I spend the majority of my time. “ He said.

  “It's nice... oh and you have a lot of books. Do you like reading a lot?” I asked smiling.

  “Yeah I do. Although lately I don't find much time,with the gym and all .Do you still go to those lessons?” He asked then.

  “Yes sometimes but not during the week,” I said blushing, he knew I had stopped to go on weekdays to avoid him.<
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  All of a sudden there was silence. We looked at each other and I felt very tensed. I hugged the books to me. He was still looking at me whilst I looked at the floor embarrassed.

  “So.. do you want to start?” he asked.“I'll bring another chair so we can sit there.”

  “OK,” I managed to say.

  He brought a chair and put it next to his and I put my books on his desk. We sat down and I showed him which exercises I didn't understand. He heard all my queries and questions and then patiently he began to explain, giving me examples. I looked at him twice and each time I felt my stomach churning. His hands brushed mine a few times. I didn't know if by mistake or on purpose but this was having a lot of effect on me. I was feeling strange.

  “Cassidy, have you understood? Or do you want me to repeat again?”

  “What?” I said. I hadn't heard the last bit of the explanation. I got so distracted by that continual brushing.

  He smiled. “ Can you tell me what example I have given you?”

  “I-”

  “You weren't listening. Why? What are you thinking about?”

  “I'm sorry,It's just that I-” I felt my face burning.

  “You're blushing, why?”

  “It's nothing,ummm can I go to the toilet please?”

  “Sure, you know where it is.”

  I stood up and ran to the toilet. I closed the door and took a deep breath. I wasn't feeling well. I was trembling. Although I wanted to deny it even to myself I was attracted to Mr Bayne and although I was still in love with Tyler, I couldn't help to wonder how it would be to kiss him again. Was this the reason why I had avoided him so much lately? Because I felt guilty about the desire I began to feel for him. Maybe it was a mistake coming here. Being here alone with him. Well I could relax. He would never do anything, not until my graduation at least. I returned back to him and sat down ready to continue with the lesson. He was looking at me,with a strange expression,his eyes were so damned beautiful. I loved that dreamy look he always had.

  “Are you OK?” He asked me then.

  “Yes I am, we can continue if you want. I'll

  pay attention this time,” I said.

  “Why have you been avoiding me so much? Was it because of what I had told you?”

  I look at him. Wow, what was I going to say now?

  “Do you feel uncomfortable with me Cassidy?”

  “No. I'm sorry I gave you that impression. I- it's not that.”

  “Then what is it?”

  Saying this he put his hand on mine. I felt another shiver. I stood up like If I was bit by something. I couldn't stand it anymore. He looked at me stunned and then stood up as well.

  “Cassidy. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to touch you. I - Oh. “

  We looked at each other. I looked at his lips. Oh how I wished to be kissed by them. He was still looking at me when all of a sudden he came nearer and grabbed my face pulling me to him and kissed me. I put my hands into his hair and kissed him back with desperation. I didn't know what had gotten into me. I just wanted him to kiss me passionately. I just wanted to feel him against me,to feel his hands on me. He deepened the kiss leaving me breathless. Then he pulled back...

  “Cassidy..I..I'm-”

  “No you're not and neither I am,” I said gasping for breath.

  “You're not? But I thought-”

  “I am attracted to you, a lot. I feel good with you. I avoided you because I was confused, because I wasn't ready to forget Tyler.”

  “And now you are?”

  “No but I'm working on it and maybe you can help me with that,” I said weakly.

  “Do you mean what you're saying?”

  “Yes... but this time it has to be different. I will never stay after class with you. We won't kiss or anything at school. We won't gaze at each other and no one will have to know this,no one. Not even my friend Lucy. It has to be our secret. We will meet here when it's possible, not every day, just when it is possible or you want to wait till graduation?”

  “No I don't. I have waited long enough I think. OK,we'll do as you say, until you graduate.”

  CHAPTER 50

  Two months have passed. Our relationship began to develop slowly. As we had agreed we had been very careful and at school we never looked at each other twice. Then we would meet after school at his apartment. It was never easy especially now that I didn't have Lucy's help,but my mum never asked me anything, maybe because she had been seeing me so depressed in the past months, that she was happy that I had began to laugh and live again. And this thanks to David. He was becoming very important to me. I loved to stay in his arms while we cuddled and talked about a lot of things. I loved just to sit down and look at him while he played the piano. He had beautiful hands, beautiful hands which I wanted to feel on my body. I was beginning to crave for his touch. He never crossed the line. Our intimacy consisted in just passionate deep kisses and a few strokes on my back or thighs. I wanted more but he seemed reluctant for some reason. We were on his bed right now and he was caressing my hair while he told me things about his family and his childhood. I began to touch his chest and then my hand went to his buckle. I was going to loosen it when he caught my hand stopping me. I looked into his eyes.

  “David, why?”

  “Not Yet,” he said.

  "Why not?” I asked disappointed. “ Is it because you're my teacher?”

  “No” He simply said.

  “I'm 18,” I said trying to persuade him.

  “I know.”

  "Then why? Don't you want me? I asked sad.

  “Yes I do. I desire you and wish to make love to you more than anything in the world but you're not ready.”

  “What? Of course I am. I want you David. I want you to touch me.“ I said steadily.

  He moved a little away from me and looked at me straight in the eyes.

  “Have you forgotten Tyler?” He asked.

  I looked at him stunned. I wasn't expecting this question.

  “What? What has Tyler to do with us? Leave him out of our lives.”

  “You have to leave him out. You still think about him, I know that. And you still love him.”

  I grabbed his hand and looked at him.

  “Listen,it's not easy to forget. But I'm trying. This has nothing to do with us. I have feelings for you. And I desire to show you what I feel. I want to give you myself. That doesn't mean anything to you?” I said my voice broken. I felt tears in my eyes. Why was he refusing me like this?

  His gaze softened and he grabbed my face.

  “It does but Cassidy I don't want to suffer. I don't want to be your second best. I love you,” he said in a whisper.

  I looked at him astonished. It was the first time he had told me this.

  “I'm a person who doesn't show his feelings and maybe I'm too timid to say them out, but I do love you and I felt like this since last year. Each day I saw you in my class was a torture for me. I wanted you so much that I was desperate and refused to go out with other girls. I wanted none of them, just you, only you. I knew it was impossible ,a teacher with a student? And you never looked at me. You never searched my gaze. You didn't know that I even existed. I was only Mr Bayne, the boring History teacher. I stayed quiet all these months and I hoped that someday

  you will look at me with the eyes of love. I hoped to find the courage to ask you out after your graduation. I was so jealous to see you with Julian and I thought I was going to die when I began to notice how Tyler looked at you. I knew he was in love with you. I always knew there was something going on between you. But I kept loving you hoping my chance will come,” he stopped,he seemed so sad.

  “And it came,we're together now David,” I said hugging him. “I'm yours” I said trying to re-assure him.

  “No you're not, you and Tyler didn't talk. You didn't leave each other properly. Cassidy I don't want you to leave me if he ever comes back.”