Falling for Him

by Amy Stephens

  Yes, I was beginning to worry about it because we’d not really talked about what would happen to us.

  Just what were we anyways? A couple? Friends? Just friends that had shared some heated moments of passion? Was there even a chance for more? What would my parents think if he and I did pursue something once his time was done here? Would the age be a factor? We seemed to have overcome that early on and I had found Jaime to be more enjoyable than guys my own age. But outside of this controlled environment would our age difference be viewed differently? And what about Jaime’s incarceration? Would he be able to keep it hidden so he could function normally in society again? Or would he be seen as a threat to anyone who discovered this about him?

  There were too many questions that I didn’t want to think about. Too many what ifs. But whether I thought about them now or later on, there were answers both of us needed to consider if, in fact, there was a chance for something more.

  Jaime’s graduation was being held on a Tuesday evening and his family was expected to arrive in town the day before. His mom, along with his grandmother and oldest brother and sister, were the only family members making the trip. They’d leave the following morning after the ceremony and head back home to Miami. It wasn’t much time to spend together, to celebrate such a momentous occasion, but they all knew he’d be coming home for good just days later.

  And just five days before Christmas, Jaime would be released from prison. It was a long, overdue moment for him, one that he’d longed for since he was taken away ten years ago. He’d still be expected to report in to a “half-way house” type program once he got home, but he’d be free. I wanted to be happy for him but somehow it only saddened me to think about it. What about us?

  Thanksgiving break was the longest ten days ever. My mom cooked a small feast for us and while I had many things I should have been thankful for, I found myself questioning why things happened the way that they did.

  Rather than spend the day with my family, after we ate, I retreated up to my bedroom. I was an emotional wreck on the inside but I somehow managed to keep it hidden from everyone. A single tear rolled down my cheek and I pulled the covers up closer to my neck. I stared off into space not knowing what I was going to do. It couldn’t end, it couldn’t be over. Time just needed to slow down.

  I slid open the drawer to my nightstand and pulled out the framed photo of Jaime. I’d done just like he’d asked me to. I’d placed my favorite picture of him, the one of him in his dress clothes and not the half-naked one like I had wanted, in a simple wooden frame. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving it out on the nightstand to have my mom and sister question me about it, especially given the circumstances, but it was still beside me at night.

  I propped it up against my pillow and stared at it. It hadn’t mattered how many times I had looked at it prior, I could never get enough of looking at this gorgeous man.

  I must have fallen asleep because I woke up well after midnight with the light still on. Rubbing my eyes, I looked over to spot where I had propped up the picture only to see it had now fallen face down on my bed. I couldn’t bring myself to look at it. It was much too painful, so I slid it back into my drawer. Maybe tomorrow I could. Then again, maybe not. Maybe it was time I started to distance myself but I don’t even think that would help ease the pain.

  I pulled the pillow over my head and didn’t even bother to change into my pajamas.

  The second Monday night in December, I sat beside Jaime and waited patiently for Professor Jordon to pass out the final examination for our class. In the beginning I’d dreaded this class more than any of the others yet I’d found it to be the most interesting. Could it be the reason I’d ended up liking it so much was because of Jaime? I didn’t really know but I’m sure he was a big part of the reason.

  I took my time answering all of the questions. Some were multiple choice, some were short answers. The final question was a short essay discussing several topics on one of the religions we’d studied that had been the most appealing to me. I carefully formed my sentences hoping I’d ace the exam. It was extremely difficult to focus with Jaime sitting so close beside me but I knew I had to keep all thoughts of him blocked from my mind until I was finished. I needed a good score to maintain my A average.

  All of a sudden Jaime stood up, already finished with his exam.

  No, he couldn’t be done before me. He needed to sit back down and wait for me to finish mine. My concentration was now completely broken from the test and I doubted I’d be able to regain my focus again now that I knew he’d be leaving.

  He pushed his chair underneath the table and handed over his paper to the professor. I felt the tip of my pencil break from the pressure I didn’t even realize I was exerting on it. I looked down and saw the crumbled pieces of lead and wood on the page I was currently on. When I bent down to pull another one from my purse, I watched him look my way before he closed the door behind him.

  I panicked.

  We hadn’t discussed where we would meet if one of us should finish before the other. I don’t know why but I had just assumed we’d finish at the same time. I just knew I had to see him before he boarded the bus to head back for the night. He wouldn’t leave without seeing me first. No, he couldn’t.

  I scribbled down the last couple of sentences, not bothering to reread what I had written. I hoped I didn’t regret it later on. I just needed to find him before it was too late.

  I scooped up my things and literally ran out the door. I looked down at my watch and saw there was still ten minutes left before the bus showed up.

  I quickly made my way down the hallway stopping by the break room to look for him. Unfortunately, he wasn’t there waiting for me.

  By the time I made it to the front door, I could feel the evil stare coming from the guard at the entrance. Time was ticking and I needed to find him. The guard could just kiss my ass.

  Once outside, I stopped and looked both ways before I finally spotted him at the end of the sidewalk. He was standing just at the edge of the parking lot smoking a cigarette. This area was off limits for inmates even though Jaime was still in clear view should someone check for him.

  I was shocked to see him with a cigarette in his hand and wondered why I hadn’t seen him with one before. Many of the other inmates regularly stood outside smoking but Jaime had never been one to join them. I’d never smelled smoke on him either.

  I walked up to him and hoped he didn’t see the look of frustration on my face. I was relieved to find him but angry that he’d left without so much as waiting for me. His puff of smoke encircled us, and for a moment, I couldn’t think of anything to say.

  “Hey there.”

  That’s all he could say? Hey there?

  “I was worried I wouldn’t see you before you had to go.”

  “Well you found me.”

  I couldn’t tell what kind of remark that was supposed to be. Was he trying to blow me off or had he been hoping to board the bus before I could make it outside? I didn’t like his tone at all.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Is something wrong?” I asked. Surely he wasn’t mad at me. Not now.

  He blew out another puff of smoke and shook his head sideways. “No, I’m fine.”

  “What’s with this?” I pointed out the cigarette he was finishing up with. I tried to laugh and make it a bit of a joke but the expression on his face never changed. He dropped the butt to the ground and used his shoe to mash it into the concrete. At the same time, the bus rounded the corner heading for the stop at the front of the building. My chest tightened because this was it. This was my last time to see him before graduation and I couldn’t believe this was how we’d say goodbye.

  “Just something to calm my nerves. That’s all.” He told me without meeting my eyes.

  “Please tell me this isn’t it.” I could feel the tears already welling up.

  “Sunday at two. Our spot.”

  It
was all he said before he turned and walked away to board the bus. I stood and watched as he climbed the steps and made his way down the aisle. He didn’t look my way. I was hurt but I understood. It was hard for him and he didn’t want our time together to end either. This was just his way of dealing with the pain.

  Yes, his graduation was coming up in a few days but I knew that time would be for his family. Ten years of time that couldn’t be made up in one night. I wouldn’t miss it for anything in the world even if I did have to stand off to the side in the shadows. I knew if I had any time with him that night it would only be for a few moments.

  Chapter Fifteen

  On Sunday morning I took a long, relaxing bubble bath. Today was the day. I was so relieved that he’d asked me to meet up one more time. I took extra care in shaving my legs and making sure certain areas were neat and tidy. I’d taken to shaving myself completely bare down below several years ago and couldn’t stand to be the slightest bit prickly. It may take extra time but it was so worth it.

  When I was finally finished, I toweled off and lathered my body down with one of my favorite scented lotions. I was blessed with gracefully long legs and for that, I could thank my father. I rarely saw him anymore and I wondered if it was because I’d focused so much of my time on Jaime over the last couple of months or had my father just lost interest in his daughters. But being part of my life even just for a little bit was still more than what Jaime had grown up with and I made a promise to myself to call my dad later on tonight. Maybe we could meet up for dinner next weekend.

  I stopped to look at my naked reflection in the floor length mirror that hung on the back of the bathroom door. Staring back at me was now a young woman and not just a pretty little teenage girl. I almost didn’t recognize myself anymore.

  As I ran my hands over my legs making sure I hadn’t missed a spot while shaving, I asked myself what man would resist these. Jaime had made himself clear nothing was going to happen between the two of us that hadn’t already happened. The library wasn’t the place for such, no way at all. I did respect him for this but there was a tiny part of me that wished I could get him to change his mind. I needed something to reassure me that he still wanted to see me later on. I needed to know there would be something in the future for us. I began to wonder if there was some way I could entice him to take our relationship to the next level.

  And while taking the next step didn’t mean it would really secure anything, I just somehow felt that it would help me get past these next few days. There had to be a next time, it just had to be. I’d die if he didn’t come back for me. Today couldn’t be it.

  I had a difficult time picking out the right outfit to wear. Part of me wanted to wear something pretty but at the same time I also wanted to look sexy and irresistible. I wanted to put him in a predicament where he couldn’t say no.

  I zipped up my new ankle booties and checked out the way my ass looked in the mirror wearing my skinny jeans. Whoever had designed these jeans was brilliant. Now, to find the perfect top. Could I pull off something that showed lots of cleavage, something that didn’t require wearing a bra? Would that even be smart right now knowing I could become an emotional wreck in just the blink of an eye? I wanted to turn him on to the point that he couldn’t resist me, but I didn’t want to risk it all blowing up in my face either if he stuck to his promise. He may have taken the shyness out of me when we’d first started talking, but I didn’t want him thinking I’d lost my self-worth. I still needed to be respectful of myself and not degrading.

  I finally settled on a black sequined tank top with a built in bra and layered it with a matching button up tapered blouse. If I left the outer top completely unbuttoned he’d have no excuse not to notice that I wasn’t wearing a bra. The built in bra pressed my boobs together adding the appearance of more cleavage than I naturally would have. But on the other hand, if I kept it buttoned to just below my boobs, the way the shirt was cut and tapered to fit would also accentuate my chest. So the way I looked at it, he had no excuse not to notice.

  Using my curling iron, I added a couple of ringlet twists to the back of my hair and secured a few of the flowing tendrils with several bobby pins. It was sexy looking, I admit, and I hoped he’d feel the need to run his fingers through my locks.

  I secured the clasp of my favorite necklace and sprayed a fine mist of perfume that matched the same scent as the lotion I had used earlier. With one last look at myself in the mirror, I believed I was ready. Inside, I was a basket case and I hoped this nervousness would subside once I made my way back into his arms again.

  Mom and Beth had just left to go grocery shopping so I quickly gathered up my purse and keys and headed out to my car. Leaving while they were out of the house prevented having to answer a whole bunch of questions about where was I going dressed like this, or about who I was going to meet. So far I’d been able to keep everything about Jaime a secret from my family and that’s the way I wanted it to be. At least for now anyway. When there was more to tell I’d share everything about him with them, but until then, he would remain my little secret.

  I backed out of the driveway with one destination in mind. The military library.

  The December afternoon was dreary and the threat of rain lingered in the sky. The sun hadn’t bothered to come out at all and I just hoped the gloominess that loomed in the sky didn’t have an impact on how the afternoon would turn out. I remained hopeful for us.

  I entered in through the back way of the library and when I reached out to press the elevator button for the second floor, I noticed my hands were all sweaty. I wiped them over the top part of my jeans just in case Jaime reached out to touch my hand.

  I walked back to our familiar spot but he wasn’t here. I stepped over to the window and looked out. The sky had darkened even more now and I could see lightning strikes off in the distance. Any moment now it would be pouring down rain.

  Walking back, I glanced at my watch to check the time. It was ten after two already and I prayed he hadn’t changed his mind about coming. He wouldn’t would he? Not today, the last day we’d have together. No, no, no.

  I took a seat down on the couch and folded one leg underneath me while the other leg dangled free, barely touching the floor. Another five minutes passed and I swapped legs, now tucking the other one underneath my body. I couldn’t sit still. Suddenly, there was a loud clap of thunder and I could hear the rain as it pelted against the windows. I jumped, not liking the way the weather had changed so quickly. The lights began to flicker on and off and when the next rumble of thunder sounded, the entire library went dark.

  I sat still, afraid to move. I hated being here all by myself with the power out. From behind me I heard a noise and before I could pull out my phone to turn on the flashlight to see what it was, Jaime leaned down and kissed the side of my neck. He was good. He was so damn good. And what perfect timing too.

  I turned my head hoping to find his lips in the dark. With the help of his hands, he guided my face to his and we shared a kiss that literally took my breath away. A few of the lights came back on and we quickly pulled away from each other.

  “Looks like the generator had a slight delay, huh?” He chuckled.

  Even though hardly a quarter of the lights were now back on, it was still dim and I preferred this over the intense brightness that the room usually had.

  “Perfect timing.” I quickly added.

  “You look nice today.” He said, noticing my outfit.

  “Thank you.” I wish I could have offered him some kind of compliment but the drab gray jumpsuit did nothing for his appearance. If I were him, I’d never wear the color gray again.

  “I hope you didn’t have to wait long.” He told me.

  I shook my head. “Not really. I knew you’d be here eventually.” I didn’t really know this, but it was relieving knowing he hadn’t stood me up like I had feared. I don’t think my heart could have taken it if that had been the case.

  “This weather is crazy,
isn’t it?”

  I got the impression he was making small talk just to avoid the subject that we’d both been dreading. His release and our goodbye.

  Don’t get me wrong, I was enjoying our conversation, but at some point we had to talk about what would become of us. Next week, next month, and even next year. We had to get it out in the open. I needed to know how long it would be before I’d hear from him again after next week. He had to give me an answer. Suddenly, all of my emotions overcame me and I couldn’t stop the tears that had begun to form in my eyes.

  “Baby, what’s wrong?” The compassionate sound of his voice helped me to regain my composure.

  “I’m okay.” I struggled, not wanting him to see me this way. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t get upset, but look at me. I was falling apart.

  “You’re worried about us aren’t you?”

  And there it was. Finally, he’d mentioned the future.

  At first, I could only nod my head.

  “Aren’t you?”

  Truth be known, I was more than worried. I was terrified. I was afraid I was going to lose him forever and that these past few months would end up being one of those stories that I’d share with my own daughter one day when she was suffering with her first broken heart. I’d tell her all about Jaime and how he’d ….. I just couldn’t think about it. He wasn’t going to hurt me.

  I admit Jaime did look saddened but he did a much better job of controlling his emotions than me. Men seemed to be lucky like that. And I was sure that with everything he’d gone through over the years, he’d been able to harden his heart. But I needed him to look inside his heart and find me and not let me go.

  “Come here.” He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me. He didn’t even seem worried about someone walking up on us. Not anymore. “Don’t get upset, please.”