A Widow Redefined

by Kim Cano

  With that said, I pushed the book aside and grabbed my purse. I spun on my heel and stomped out of the room. Sabrina didn’t say another word. I heard her collapse into a stuffed leather chair and start sobbing again.

  As I left the house, I slammed the front door, rattling the windows before driving off into the night.

  Chapter 17

  When I got home and walked in the door, I felt safety and comfort return. This is my family. People I know and can trust. I’d never been happier to see them. At the same time, I didn’t know what to say about what just happened.

  Maybe it was nearing time for me to tell the whole truth, too.

  “Honey, are you okay? You seem upset?” my mom asked.

  “That’s an understatement,” I said, then stormed past her and into the kitchen.

  I was starving, and as I rummaged through the leftovers, Tyler approached me. “How was your night with your friend?” he asked, looking innocent and adorable.

  His face was like that of an angel. I didn’t know how to respond.

  “We had a fight,” I said, simplifying the truth. “And we’re not friends anymore.”

  Tyler stared back at me, surprised. In his short life he’d never experienced his mom in a fight with anyone. I doubted he’d ever seen me this angry before, either.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, trying to comfort me. “Do you want to come with us? Grandma and I were going to watch the rest of the movie?”

  Watching television was the last thing I wanted to do. What I wanted was to punch something—anything—repeatedly. But how could I say no?

  “Sure honey,” I replied. “Let me heat up some food and I’ll be right in.”

  He walked out of the room and sat on the sofa. Maybe to a kid it’s that easy. If you’re not having fun, go do something else. If only adult life were that simple.

  I found my mom’s famous spaghetti and meatballs in a plastic container. I nuked some and began attacking the noodles with my fork like a savage. The more I ate, the more relaxed I became.

  Mom and Tyler were kind enough to pause whatever they were watching until I had finished. When I came in the family room, they filled me in on the story before pressing play. For Tyler’s sake, I feigned interest. But I couldn’t pay attention to the film. All I kept thinking about was Sabrina, and how angry and disappointed she had made me.

  When the movie ended, I kissed Tyler goodnight. Mom looked my way to see if I wanted to talk.

  I put my arms up and stretched. “Goodnight Mom. I’m exhausted.”

  She had a concerned look on her face. “Goodnight,” was all she said back.

  Once I got into my room and changed into pajamas, I realized I couldn’t sleep. I decided to go wash my face and brush my teeth. When I finished with that, I found I was still wide awake, so I got back up and flossed, then did an exfoliating facial treatment followed by a deep moisturizer.

  I still wasn’t tired. I hated to run the water so late, but I figured a hot bath with aromatherapy salts might help. Once the tub was filled, I lowered the lights and sank in. Then I reached for the pumice stone and proceeded to scrub the heels of my feet, removing all the dry, flaked skin, and some healthy layers while I was at it. I shaved my legs. Then, after I finished all those tasks, I moisturized and dressed again in my pajamas.

  And still I couldn’t sleep.

  With nothing left to wash, I decided to head into the family room and read my novel. That lasted for about five minutes. I gave up when I found myself reading the same paragraph over and over. I cast the book aside and exhaled loudly. Across the room I noticed the yoga blocks lying near the DVD. I went over and picked up the case and read the cover for the first time. PM Yoga, it said. The older woman shown was named Patricia Walden. She was older than me. She had a kind face. I liked her. And I liked exercising with her.

  She could be my friend, I thought.

  I turned on the TV and muted the volume. I’d done this routine so many times I didn’t need to hear her voice. After twenty-five minutes I began to feel relaxed. I could always count on virtual pal, Patricia.

  The next morning I slept in late again. This was becoming a familiar trend. Tyler woke me up with the news that breakfast was ready. After eating, he asked me a favor. “Hey Mom. Can I go with Sam and his older brother to watch a parkour event?”

  “Sure,” I replied. “I can take you. No problem.”

  Mom asked to join us, and after we dropped him off, she offered to take me out to lunch.

  The hostess put us in a booth, far away from a group of screaming kids who were having a birthday party.

  Mom and I sat down. After ordering our food, and without her prompting, I decided to tell her everything about Sabrina. The whole story.

  I told her about the daffodils and the multiple visits to the cemetery to try and find her. I laughed a nervous laugh when I talked about how I’d played private detective that day, and how it had paid off since I was able to finally confront her. I told her about our unusual friendship, and what had occurred on our visits. I told her about meeting Dr. Friedman at the party, and even fessed up about being introduced to Sabrina’s friend, Miguel. Then I told her about the fight, and how everything had ended.

  “That brings us to now,” I said, taking a sip of my Coke.

  A moment later, the server arrived with our food. Mom was sitting across from me with visible shock on her face. It was a lot to take in all at once.

  I let her absorb what I’d said while I took a bite of my salad.

  “I’m not sure what to say,” she finally said. “That’s an incredible story. I’m surprised you were able to keep it from me for so long. And maybe a little sad, too.”

  “You know Mom, I didn’t want to keep it from you. But it was complicated, and I didn’t know how it would turn out. Also, I didn’t want your opinion of Justin to change.”

  We made eye contact and she nodded. She understood what I meant, but we weren’t going to go there. In all our years together we never did.

  “Later on I figured it didn’t matter how Sabrina and I had met. We had become friends. Life had brought me something nice. But now, now that I’ve discovered the truth, I had to share it with you.”

  Mom took a bite of her sandwich. She was my real best friend. Always had been.

  “You know,” she began, once she’d finished chewing, “Justin was a wonderful man. He truly was. But for a person to become so obsessed like that… it’s just not healthy, you know.”

  I nodded and took another bite of my salad.

  “I’m really sorry this happened to you,” she continued. “But I’m glad you told me. I could tell how upset you were last night. But boy, never in a million years would I have guessed the reason.”

  I cracked a smile. I was glad she wasn’t angry with me.

  Mom grabbed a menu. “I’m stuffed,” she said. “But I think there may be room to split dessert. They have key lime pie. Do you want some?”

  “Sure.”

  The waitress came and took our order. Soon we both dug our forks into the delicious green concoction and the conversation led to other things like my mom’s book club and what was going on with her lady friend. It was a nice change of pace.

  Before we knew it, it was time to pick up Tyler. Mom paid the bill. I thanked her for treating me, and we left for Sam’s house.

  On the way there, Mom said, “It’s too bad about that Miguel fellow. He didn’t do anything wrong.”

  I was wondering when she’d get around to mentioning him.

  “I know he didn’t,” I said. “It doesn’t matter, though. I had no plans to call him anyway.”

  She didn’t press the issue further. It was just like her to bring it up, though. She couldn’t help herself. I reached over and turned on the radio, and we drove the rest of the way listening to the oldies channel.

  When we got to Sam’s, I didn’t see the minivan. Tyler and the others weren’t back yet. Mom and I reclined in our seats and closed our eyes.
I was in a food coma. Mom must’ve been too, because she quickly fell asleep.

  I didn’t hear the Caravan pull in, but I woke up when Tyler knocked on the driver’s side window. Right away, I noticed scrapes grazed his left elbow.

  I opened the car door. “What happened?”

  “Ah, not much. Just some road rash from a move that went wrong.”

  That’s exactly how Justin spoke when he’d fall off his skateboard back in the day.

  Tyler climbed into the back seat. “Well, when we get home I’ll clean it and put a bandage on it,” I said.

  He shrugged. He didn’t care either way. He was having a good time. No doubt the minor injuries only added to his “cool” status.

  •••••

  Saturday night I sat down with the budget. The gym membership was expiring, and after crunching a list of numbers, I discovered we could indeed afford a dog. It was time.

  I got up and walked down the hall to Tyler’s room, then knocked.

  “Come in,” he said.

  He was on the floor, organizing his art supplies.

  “It’s time,” I stated.

  “Time for what?” he asked, looking confused.

  “Time to get a dog.”

  Tyler shot to his feet. “Awesome! Can we go tomorrow?”

  “I don’t see why not.”

  “I’m going to tell Grandma,” he said, then pushed past me.

  The rest of the evening the three of us searched the Petfinder website. We were so excited sitting there, browsing for pooches. I let Tyler take the lead, picking his favorites, while I took notes. Mom sat on his other side, adding her opinion.

  Tyler was all over the board with breed choice. It wasn’t like he was fond of one over the other. He liked them all. The list I was creating, with the dog’s name and locations, was growing way too long.

  I stopped him. “Honey, here’s what we’ve got so far.” I showed him the notepad. “Maybe we should take another look and scratch a few off? Narrow the list a bit?”

  Tyler reviewed the choices. He was having a hard time eliminating any of them.

  Sensing we were getting nowhere, Mom said, “Maybe we should go there in person. Have a look at them and see what happens. Find out which one you like best. Or maybe which one likes you best!”

  “Good idea,” Tyler agreed.

  It was decided. Afterward, we each went our separate ways. I lay in my bed, thinking about our family, and how we were finally getting a pet. We would have had one years ago, but for Justin’s allergies. Then I thought of Sabrina. And I wondered how she’d fill her Sunday.

  She could go to hell. I punched my pillow to fluff it and reached over and turned off the light.

  •••••

  Sunday morning the house buzzed with energy. It felt like Christmas. We ate our breakfasts, then scurried around, washing dishes and showering. We climbed into the car and, after arriving at our destination, sprung from our seats like Jack in the Box toys.

  The shelter had big dogs, small dogs, even puppies. I walked the rows, staring at each prisoner. I soon realized if I looked too long at any one of them, it would feel like tiny arrows were piercing my heart. I loved them all, but I wanted Tyler to choose. This was for him.

  Tyler walked slowly, up and down the aisles several times, stopping once and a while to make baby talk with a few of the dogs. I was surprised he didn’t want one of the puppies, but I kept my mouth shut.

  “I like him,” Tyler said, pointing to a scruffy, caramel-colored terrier mix. “Can I see him out of the cage?”

  “Let me go and get someone to let him out,” I said.

  Mom had already found someone and they were on their way over. “Okay,” the man said. “This is Moose. Let me tell you a little about him.”

  The three of us stopped and gave him our undivided attention.

  “Moose was found in his family’s backyard after their house had gone into foreclosure.”

  Mom and I looked at each other. We both knew where this story was going.

  The man continued, “The neighbors heard him barking and didn’t know who he belonged to since the people had already moved away. They found him with empty food dishes, his hair matted and dirty, lying next to one of his toys.” The shelter attendant pointed at the dog toy. A well-worn braided green and white rope.

  “So we picked him up and had him checked out. He’s in good health. He was just hungry and in need of a bath. Now he’s ready for his forever home.”

  I looked at Moose. His eyes were a warm, chocolate brown. His hair was caramel in some spots, beige in others. Despite all he’d been through, he seemed upbeat, panting and wagging his tail.

  “I’d like to play with him,” Tyler told the man.

  The attendant leaned over and opened the cage. Moose bounded out, full of energy. He jumped up and began licking Tyler’s face.

  Tyler laughed, then reached in and grabbed his rope toy and threw it. The dog ran down the slippery tile floor to catch it. When he returned, he wanted to play tug of war.

  Tyler petted the top of his scruffy head. “I think he likes me.”

  “He definitely does,” Mom agreed.

  “Is he the one you want?” I asked.

  Tyler and the terrier with a sorrowful past stared at each other, like they were Zen masters. Then, the funniest thing happened. Moose seemed to smile.

  “Yes,” Tyler replied.

  With that decided, Mom and I got up to sign the paperwork. Tyler continued to throw the rope for Moose, and the dog chased after it each time. Of course, we weren’t prepared with pet supplies, so we loaded Moose into the car with us and went back home. Then I left to run to the store and get the items the shelter attendant said we’d need.

  When I got back, Tyler and my mom were in the yard playing with the dog. It was one of those moments I wanted to remember, so I stopped to watch before joining them. The sun shone partially through the trees, illuminating them as they ran in and out of bright patches of light. Moose’s bark combined with their laughter and I stood there absorbing it all. I wished Justin could’ve seen it.

  I opened the door to join them and noticed the air had grown a little colder. Autumn was coming. I was grateful. It was my favorite season.

  I stepped into the commotion. Moose ran from Tyler to my mom to me, and back to Tyler again. His energy was endless. It was hard to believe someone had left him behind. I decided to stop thinking of it though and enjoy the fact that he was with us now, forever.

  The rest of the evening we did everything we could to make our new family member comfortable. We set up his food and water area. We attached his nametag to his collar, and left his leash lying by the front door. His bed was placed on the floor next to Tyler’s. The air was filled with the word Moose, over and over again.

  The three of us came up with a plan for his bathroom needs. Mom would let him out in the morning, and during the day. She’d be in charge of picking up and cleaning out back. Tyler would walk Moose after school, giving him exercise and fresh air. It would be their special time. Then I’d walk him once more after dinner, for his evening bathroom break.

  With the fine details figured out, everyone kicked back on the sofa. We stared at Moose. He lay resting on the floor in the center of the room, sleeping. He was worn out.

  “I love him,” Tyler said, wearing a smile that lit up his whole face.

  “Me too, honey.” I looked over at Mom to see what she had to add, but she’d fallen asleep.

  “Do you think he misses the other people? The family that left him behind?” he asked.

  “I’m sure he does. But… they’re gone now, and he has us. We’re going to take good care of him.”

  “Yeah,” Tyler agreed.

  The night lingered and we sat and watched Moose sleep. It was like we were hooked on some new reality show. Everything he did fascinated us. We couldn’t get enough. It was hard to believe we’d finally done it.

  Monday morning, my mind wandered to Sabr
ina and how pissed off she’d made me, but then Moose came into my room and poked his head under the blankets.

  “Hey boy,” I said. “Come here.”

  I rubbed the top of his head and he jumped up onto the bed. Then he rolled over on his back and exposed his tummy for rubs.

  “You’re so sweet,” I said in a cooing tone. “Yes you are.”

  Moose lay there peacefully, enjoying the attention. I could play with him all day long and not get bored. I had no desire to leave for work. But, I had to make money to support the family, and he was now a part of ours, so I forced myself to get up, shower and leave. Mom and Tyler assured me they’d keep him plenty busy.

  I told Barb and Fatima right away. They were excited for us about the new addition. Then I explained how he came to be at the shelter.

  “That’s criminal!” Barb said.

  “It should be,” I said.

  “Do you have a picture of him?” Fatima asked.

  I didn’t. But his picture was still up at the Petfinder site. I clicked to it.

  “There he is,” I said, with the pride of a parent whose child has just won an award.

  “He’s handsome,” Barb commented.

  Fatima agreed.

  •••••

  Monday night couldn’t come quickly enough. When I got home, I found Tyler in his room, creating a pencil sketch of Moose.

  “Hey honey. How’s our boy?”

  Tyler sat up. “Oh, he’s good. I walked him right after school and I picked up his poop with the bag—gross!” he exclaimed, while making a sickened face.

  “Well, you know that’s part of it.” The second I said the words, I realized I’d have my chance to experience the same thing after dinner.

  Throughout our meal, I noticed something different in our house. There was a feeling of fullness. It was like we had found something we didn’t know we’d been missing. And now that we had it, things were just right. There was balance.

  Tyler offered to do the dishes with Mom so I could walk Moose. I changed into gym shoes, and attached the leash to Moose’s collar.

  “Don’t forget this,” Tyler said, while handing me a plastic bag.