A Widow Redefined

by Kim Cano

  In the evening I folded laundry, then delivered Tyler’s to his room. His Bora Bora painting was proudly displayed on the wall. I smiled. Josephine had helped him come a long way. When he walked in, he saw me admiring it.

  “Won’t be long,” he said. “I told Dad about it the other night. You know, when I talk to him.”

  A familiar pain gripped my heart. Not because Tyler was talking about him. I was used to that. But because Justin was the one who really wanted to go to the South Pacific. It was his big dream, and we all got caught up in it.

  “That’s good, honey. I know your dad would be so happy for us.”

  Tyler nodded. Then he took some socks out of my hand and began putting them away in his dresser.

  We filled the weekend shopping for summery clothes. No easy task since they weren’t in season. On Sunday, I told Mom and Tyler I needed some time to myself to get a present. Then I took a drive and stopped at Northbrook Court, where I’d met Sabrina. I found Red Door Spa and bought my mom a gift certificate. A full day of pampering. I knew she’d love coming here, rather than spending a day at home with products from under the sink.

  Before we knew it our passports came in. Our trip was booked and the date was approaching fast. I used some of the money from Sabrina to buy Josephine a little something for the holidays. I’d even gotten a tiny gift for Fatima, Barb, and Dave. It felt great to be able to treat them for a change.

  Two weeks before Christmas I received a confirmation email from Expedia, with my full itinerary update.

  Before logging off, I saw another email. The subject read: Feliz Navidad. I was hesitant to click on it, thinking it could be a computer virus, but part of me knew it was from Miguel. I almost sent it to the trash bin, but I knew that would have been rude. So I opened it instead.

  It was as I suspected, a holiday greeting from Miguel. “Amy, It’s Miguel. Just wanted to say Happy Holidays to you, and to say I hope you enjoyed your trip, wherever it is you may have gone. Work is slow this month, and my nephew is in town. He helped me create this YouTube video I think you might like. He says it may go viral, whatever that means. Maybe we can get together soon for coffee? Starbucks has the peppermint latte now.”

  I giggled. Who in their right mind ends an email pitching the coffee of the season? This man had a knack for disarming me, for making something scary seem downright okay. I knew it was his job to be convincing, but it never felt like I was being manipulated. He seemed genuine. He was genuine. It was me… I was the one who thought too much, the one who had a hard time letting go.

  I clicked on the attachment and it opened in a new window. Miguel was wearing a Santa hat while holding an acoustic guitar. His familiar sidekick, Gordito, wore antler ears and sat beside him.

  The strumming began and sure enough, it was “Feliz Navidad.” As Miguel sang and played, the cat meowed loudly in all the wrong places. They both looked so serious and professional and that made it even more hilarious. I could tell it was heavily rehearsed.

  Laughter would’ve been appropriate. I think that was the whole point, but I couldn’t giggle. Instead as I listened, I watched and wondered. How could a person be so unafraid? To set it all out there, not just for me, but for everyone to see?

  When the song ended, I closed the window and re-read the original email. I admired Miguel for his courage. That was a quality I never got a chance to develop. Or maybe I just never really tried.

  I clicked the reply button and typed a response. “Miguel, Nice to hear from you. What a video. It was really great. No kidding. I haven’t gone on vacation yet. I leave in one week. Regarding getting together for coffee, why don’t I give you a call when I come back. I still have your card, Amy.”

  After I hit send I wondered if I’d made a mistake. I wasn’t even sure I’d said the right things. I didn’t know how to talk to men or be charming. With Justin, all I ever had to be was myself. He loved me just how I was.

  I decided to stop stressing. I honestly didn’t care how things turned out. The man kept asking to see me, so I would meet him and have a cup of coffee. End of story.

  Wednesday night I accompanied Tyler to his art class. Josephine looked especially beautiful, and I thought maybe she’d done something different. Then I noticed what it was. Her hair was smooth and pin straight. I told her she looked nice.

  “I have a little something for you,” I said, while reaching into my purse. I handed her a wrapped gift.

  “Thank you. That’s so kind,” Josephine said. Then she added, “Hey. I heard the Universe delivered big time.”

  “Come again?” I asked.

  She realized I didn’t speak hippie and clarified. “Your trip to the South Pacific, I mean.”

  I smiled. I understood what she meant now. “Yes. We’re really excited. We can’t wait until next week.”

  I waved goodbye to Josephine and went to run an errand. On my way around town, I thought about Tyler. I loved him so much and was glad we were taking this trip together. Mom was right. It was a good idea.

  Later in the week, as I walked past Tyler’s room, I saw him organizing his summer clothing, planning what he’d wear on vacation, grouping items into piles. I didn’t interrupt him. I just shook my head in disbelief. Tyler wasn’t a normal kid. He was my kid. He was the best.

  That night I lay in bed, thinking of the possible coffee date with Miguel, wondering if I would really call. I wished it would happen later, down the road more. I still wasn’t ready to start dating.

  I thought about what Justin had confided in Sabrina before he died, that he hoped I would find someone else to share my life with… It seemed so strange to think of now. When I’d first heard it, I didn’t believe it was true. Then, the more I thought of it, I realized that sounded exactly like Justin. Even while he was leaving this world he was still thinking of me.

  Justin could never be replaced—ever. I felt frightened as I even considered it. The faint glow of the night light nearby was the only thing that calmed me, made me feel safe. It lit up my bonsai tree ever so slightly, throwing soft shadows across the room. I stared at my tree, admiring its quiet beauty and felt my muscles relax. No one would be able to replace Justin. Miguel wasn’t trying to. He was just doing what came natural to him… being himself. Wasn’t that what I said I liked about my relationship before? That I could just be me?

  I decided I wouldn’t worry about it anymore. I’d focus on my vacation. That was what Sabrina had wanted me to do.

  Chapter 22

  The days passed quickly, and before we knew it, Tyler and I were leaving for the South Pacific.

  On my last day at work, Fatima came to say goodbye to me. “I hate you right now,” she joked.

  I responded with a smile and a big hug. “I won’t think of you, here at your desk, while I’m bathing in the French Polynesian sun.”

  She play-punched me in the arm.

  “Ouch.” But we were both smiling.

  Then Barb came and said farewell. “Relax, and have a good time.”

  I grinned. “I assure you, I will.”

  Dave came out of his office and shut the door. He winked, then said, “Enjoy the trip. We’ll see you in a week.”

  I felt like a super-star right then. I’d had nothing but positive send offs all day. People seemed genuinely happy for me, and I made a mental note to socialize with them more when I got back.

  I punched out and stepped outside. It was raining. I didn’t care about cold, rainy, gray, though. We were leaving tonight. That was all that mattered.

  When I got home, I noticed a pizza box on the counter. Mom said she wanted to get us something to eat before dropping us off at the airport. I felt sad that she wasn’t coming along, but she had repeatedly assured me it was what she wanted. And Moose couldn’t ask for a better babysitter.

  We inhaled our food and guzzled our drinks. Tyler had created a checklist for us the night before, so he could make sure we had everything we needed. We gathered our luggage, then double-checked our passpo
rts, ID’s, and tickets. Everything was in order.

  Moose stood next to me, wagging his tail. “I’ll miss you. Be good for Grandma,” I said in a baby voice.

  Tyler leaned down to hug and kiss Moose, and then we climbed into the car. My mom insisted on driving to the airport. “Chauffer service,” she’d said.

  After arriving at O’Hare, we parked and Mom walked with us to the departure area. She leaned down to Tyler, “You have a good time,” she said, while giving him a big hug and a kiss.

  They said their goodbyes and then Mom approached me. We didn’t have to say a word. Then she hugged me, “Relax and enjoy,” she said.

  I hugged her back. “I will.”

  Mom walked back to her car and I looked down at Tyler. “You all set?”

  “Yes ma’am,” he said. He grabbed hold of the suitcase handle and started walking up the ramp.

  Tyler and I strode side by side, through the sliding glass doors, and it felt like a scene from a movie. This couldn’t be my life, I thought. But it was, and soon the ticket agent was there, showing us how to check in on the computer. Before we knew it, we were seated on the plane.

  Chapter 23

  I woke up to the sound of the captain saying we’d be landing in Papeete, Tahiti. Weather conditions? Eighty five degrees.

  Tyler and I looked at each other and grinned. We were giddy.

  We pushed our tray tables up and adjusted our seats, returning them to their upright position.

  An older lady had the window seat, but I didn’t mind. I’d heard this wasn’t the spectacular part. Landing in Bora Bora was what the hype was all about.

  “Almost there,” I said, rubbing the top of my son’s head.

  When we got off the plane we were greeted by the warm, humid smell of the tropics. I’d never been a fan of humidity, but on vacation it was different. It was something I looked forward to.

  I had overheard a couple fellow travelers saying they were connecting to Bora Bora, so we followed them to the next gate. This time, after boarding, Tyler got the window seat and I was right next to him. We’d lucked out. We were even on the left side of the plane, something I read was ideal to catch the best view.

  The flight was only forty-five minutes long. A blink compared to the many hours we’d already endured. We were tired, but found new wells of energy for this final leg of the trip.

  Within a short time, we were descending. And, as promised, the view blew our minds. I gasped as I caught the first glimpse. Tyler’s jaw dropped open.

  It was Heaven.

  Green jagged peaks stretched high into the sky, surrounded by electric blue turquoise water enclosed in a protective lagoon.

  “My God,” I whispered.

  “Yeah,” Tyler agreed.

  After landing, we were able to get off right away. We walked over to a welcome desk for our hotel. An American looking woman waited for us.

  “Welcome to Bora Bora,” she said in an Australian accent.

  She took our names and then we climbed aboard a boat that would transfer us to our hotel. As we stepped in, one of the staff members put leis around our necks. These weren’t the plastic leis you find in party supply stores. They were made of real flowers. Then they handed us bottled water and chilled damp white towels.

  Tyler looked over at me. “I could get used to this.”

  “Me, too.”

  We completed hotel checkin on the boat on the way to the resort. While I quickly went through the forms I was at the same time aware of the dazzling scenery all around me. Tyler stood at the front of the boat, taking it all in. In a few moments, I joined him.

  On the ride to our hotel, which was on the surrounding motu instead of the main island, we stared in awe at Mt. Otemanu. It was breathtaking.

  I lifted my sunglasses to take a look at Tyler. Sun bathed his fair skin and the ocean breeze tousled his blonde hair. There we were… in Bora Bora, on our way to the Four Seasons.

  The boat stopped and we were greeted by a new set of staff members who gave us a tour of the resort, then showed us to our room. Like magic, our bags had arrived before we did.

  Did I call it a room? It was an overwater villa with its own sundeck and plunge pool. I checked out the bathroom. It had a deep tub with sliding glass doors that opened to a view of the lagoon. Everything was perfect and unbelievable.

  I came onto the deck and found Tyler admiring his surroundings, completely in awe. I stood beside him, and we both were still.

  I’d never seen water so blue and clear. It was like a million turquoise gemstones had melted into a never-ending sea. It was one of the best moments of my life.

  “Are you hungry yet?” I asked Tyler, interrupting the silence.

  “No. I’m good. I’m too excited to eat. How about you?”

  “I can wait until later,” I replied. “It’s hot, though. What do you say we jump into our very own pool?”

  “Okay,” Tyler said, so enthusiastic he could hardly contain himself. “I’ll go put on my suit.”

  We both changed and found our way back to the deck at the same time. Instead of testing the water temperature with our feet, we jumped in, crazed with happiness, and began splashing each other back and forth.

  I behaved like a child, like him, and it was pure bliss.

  We swam for a bit, then I got out and climbed onto one of the cushy lounge chairs. I was so jet-lagged, I could’ve fallen asleep right there. But I didn’t want to close my eyes. I didn’t want to miss anything.

  Tyler couldn’t sit still and lay in the sun. He opened his luggage and got out his colored pencils and blank sketchpad. He said he wanted to begin drawing at once. He had the perfect view of Mt. Otemanu and wanted to capture it.

  Once I saw him seated and working, I reluctantly closed my eyes. Later, as I rolled onto my other side, I was groggy and disoriented. A distinctly familiar smell had wafted my way. Justin’s cologne.

  I inhaled again, this time deeper, and it woke me. I sat up and looked around, half expecting to see him.

  No one was there.

  I let out a heavy sigh. In my heart I knew he was with us.

  I squinted to get a better look at Tyler. He was drawing and looking very serious with his baseball cap on. He wouldn’t wear sunglasses because he said they’d alter his view.

  I got up off the chaise and yawned.

  “Hey T.,” I called out. “Getting hungry yet?”

  “Yeah. I’m starved,” he said.

  “Okay. I’m going to get changed first.”

  I dressed in a casual sundress, flip flops, and put my hair in a ponytail. Just for fun I added some pink lip gloss too.

  When I got back on the deck, Tyler had finished his first sketch.

  “It’s beautiful honey.”

  “Thanks Mom.”

  Tyler closed his pad and gathered his pencils. Then he went inside to change. Within five minutes he was ready.

  We walked the pier, with its overwater villas jutting out on both sides, and headed to the main restaurant. There was no bad table in the whole place, but I was convinced we got the best one.

  “I’m going to order seafood,” I announced.

  Tyler looked confused. “I thought you didn’t like it?”

  “I don’t usually, but I’m sure I will here. And,” I joked, “If I don’t love it I will order something else.”

  “Well excuse me Madame,” Tyler replied in a fake French accent.

  We both giggled, but not too loud. We were at a five star resort after all.

  The food arrived and we feasted. Everything tasted delicious. I ordered myself a tropical drink. Then the manager stopped by with a non-alcoholic tropical drink for Tyler. They knew how to take care of their guests.

  We were too full to eat dessert, so we decided we’d have some tomorrow night. Instead, we walked around the grounds.

  “Do you wanna walk on the beach?” Tyler asked.

  I smiled. “Sure. It could count as our family workout.”

  Ty
ler grinned back. Then we headed for the sand.

  The sun was beginning to set. And we both sat there, watching it. For the next hour we hardly spoke. We just stared in awe at a sky ablaze with slow-moving orange and purple streaks. The water color shifted from light to progressively darker shades of blue.

  “Wow,” Tyler whispered.

  “Yeah.” I was mesmerized by Mother Nature’s show.

  Afterward, we both got up and brushed the sand off our butts. Then we walked the pier back to our villa. Once we got back in, Tyler grabbed his pencils and sketchpad again. I’d never seen him so motivated.

  I decided to unpack our things and spend time putting away toiletries and hanging our clothes. When Tyler was finished drawing, he called me over to see his creation.

  “Another masterpiece, Gauguin,” I said and winked.

  Tyler puffed up with pride. I hadn’t used his nickname in a while.

  “Hey. Do you want to walk on the beach at night? I’ll bet it will be amazing,” I asked.

  “I think I will do it tomorrow,” he said. “I’m starting to get so tired. Plus, I want to watch TV.”

  I sighed. I wanted to do it tonight. Tyler picked up on it and said, “Mom. I’ll be right here in the room. Why don’t you go?”

  At first I wasn’t sure it was a good idea. Then I decided it would be safe. I made sure I heard him lock the door after I left with my own room key.

  I wouldn’t go far. Just from the pier to the beach. I strolled barefoot, on the powdery white moonlit sand. No one else was around.

  The air smelled fresh, filled with the scent of exotic flowers. It was warm outside, but a slight ocean breeze cooled me.

  I looked up. The night sky was pitch black, with a canopy of twinkling stars overhead.

  Just then, a thought crossed my mind. Sabrina… my odd, unusual friend… I miss you.

  As if in response, a shooting star whizzed past, then fizzled out, disappearing into the heavens.

  I smiled and heard Tyler’s voice in my head. “The Universe is speaking to you.”

  Indeed. It definitely was.

  The End